NCT group

[Hopitihop]

Hi All,

Firstly I don't know if "parenting" is the right group to post this and maybe also I am making too much fuss over it and out of nothing really.

So my NCT what's app group is made from other mums that we all had our babies some weeks apart, almost 2 years ago. Some of them have not spoken to us since the birth of their kids while others all they do is to send texts about how awesome/genius/clever their little ones are.

I am really sick of it anymore as my little one is not meeting all milestones like others do and I am fed up about reading texts like little John said "I want to go the park" and little Mary said "mummy please give me my pink coat not the blue one" and little George knows how to count to 5 and is potty trained.

Congratulations to all of them but why, honestly why, they sending these texts in our group? And honestly, all these kids are just so perfect and their mummies don't worry about anything? Because rarely they share their worries and if they do it's something really unimportant like: my DS is not drinking his milk before bed, what to do? Come on girls!

From one hand it's useful because I can compare my DS and raise any concerns I have to the HV/GP as I know where he should be. On the other hand it's all so fake... We never meet in person and we just post useless texts about achievements.

Am I the only one that feels like that or is it normal in such competitive groups? Are all NCT groups like that?

Not quite to the same extent as yours but I'm in a group of mums met through playgroup and the mums end lots of videos of their super advanced kids while my son (aged 2.5) can only say single words.

I used to watch the videos and send 'oh how wonderful' type messages but I had to stop as I found it triggering.

That should have said 'send'

I completely empathise with what you say.

I have to stop too as it is very triggering indeed!

I don't know why they do it. Maybe they don't have high emotional intelligence and they don't know about modesty?

Even if you are very proud about your kid why would you shout about it? I am sure we all are proud about our kids but I personally don't have the need to go in a group (of pretty much strangers) and say "Aww my DS managed to eat by himself with a fork today"! There is no point...

I thought the group was meant to be a place of support, to share worries and to discuss concerns. Not a place of showing off that noone worries about anything!

And the other thing I really don't get is that all other mummies say "Ohh my little boy is growing up so fast... is not a baby anymore (and then a sad face emoticon)"
What?!?!?!
Who would ever want to have a baby forever and who is not happy about their baby growing up to a happy toddler? Every day that passes and I see my little one growing, achieving something new, I am so happy beyond words! I am not "sad" seeing him grow! I don't get it... And I don't miss the baby sleepless nights, the runny milky boobs, the messy hair and the lack of time even to shower(!), who does? I really can't get it!

Just leave the group this is what I did.

@Chakraleaf If only you knew how much I want to leave it, haha!

However, I don't have the power to do it because it's a great reference to what other toddlers at his age are achieving. It's a fantastic, although annoying way, to know if she is on track and if I need to seek help from professionals.

Trust me, it's a real battle in me!

Are all these groups the same? If yes, it's very frustrating as eventually there will be another group in the future with the same behaviour from mummies. Today is about speech, physical skills etc. and in 5 years time it will be about ballet, football, english and maths!

We can't be antisocial because of how the society is... :(

Unless it's not always this case.

Help please!

I totally agree with everything you say. I also found it really draining when one particular woman kept saying oh my son is talking so well now but I don't want him to talk cos he won't be my baby anymore - knowing full well how behind my son is. I found it very insensitive.

Another lady posted a 3 minute (!) video of her son doing a puzzle. Apparently little genius as the puzzle was intended for a three year old. Needless to say I only watched the first five seconds.

I won't leave the group though as some of the ladies are genuinely wonderful supportive friends. I have actually made a splinter group of these supportive people so I can mainly ignore the other group. Is this an option for you?

Buy yourself a copy of Mary Sheridan’s birth to 5 developmental guide and then leave the group. Sharing your sadness at time passing is not wrong but if the group is only making you feel bad then it’s time to take control and leave.

@HeyDuggeesFavouriteSquirrel I can't stand these mummies anymore, hence my frustration. It's all fake and I think it comes from the fact that they need constant reassurance that their kids are the best ones and very wise! It would be fine to send these texts/videos/photos to the grandparents or an uncle etc. but to us?! Why?

Yes, maybe a splinter group would help but I can't openly say to the other two mummies that appear to be less vocal about their kids that I am fed up of the 3 proud mummies and let's make a lobby... Also, the "normal" mummies still respond to these unpleasant texts, so maybe they don't have the same concerns as I have with my LO or they don't care.

I also have discussed with the group openly about the areas I think my DS is behind and they said ok give him time, each one is unique blah blah blah... and they continue sending info about their kids... which it's really not respectful to the worried mum!

I was never ever thinking of being in an NCT group will be that much damaging in my self-esteem and the perception I have for my little one's development... it's insane!

I think some are like this, yes. Parenting seems to bring out a weirdly competitive side in people. I'd just leave; you can get proper info about developmental stages elsewhere and IME people tell a lot of fibs about what their children are doing. It doesn't sound like you're getting anything else from it.

We lucked out with our antenatal group, just the NHS one, and I've made three amazing friends who I see regularly and who I would choose to be friends with without kids in the picture too. Our WhatsApp group has been a lifeline for support without judgement. So it can work, but I think it requires a good dollop of luck.

There was never a conscious decision to make a group cutting out the more annoying mums (lol). The rest of us just started hanging out more and a new group naturally formed. Needless to say it's a 'secret' group.

I think these competitive groups are a sign of the times and social media. My sister has a ten year old and these groups weren't a thing when he was a toddler. She finds it so weird that people send videos that are usually (as you say) sent to grandparents etc. They will actually appreciate a three minute video of their grandchild doing a puzzle.

I'd say do what's right for you, I totally understand being unable to leave the group but create some distance, mute and don't check as often. Definitely don't watch the videos.

This is a big part of why I didnt join NCT.

I didnt want to go something so personal as parenthood with women I dont know and may/may not get on with.

It seems like your group hasn't got much balance which is a shame. Ours tends to have some proud achievement posts but also ones asking for advice etc. No overt bragging though. It's been just over two years and we've dropped off messaging a bit which is a shame actually, although there's two other mums that I'm pretty close with now and message/meet separately.

Some are, some aren’t. I left mine because despite 5 of the others being wonderful, one woman who kept on banging on about how her daughter slept 14 hours straight every night except on nights when she wanted to take her out partying until 2am was driving me insane and I wanted nothing more to do with her. We all knew the only reason the kid slept that long was she was Ferberised from birth, slept on a different floor from her parents and mummy refused to have a monitor.

My NCT group is great - all really normal, down to earth mum's, no bragging, just mostly solidarity on the crap bits of parenting and slagging off our husbands 😉

I don't get why you're staying in a group that makes you feel like crap though. If you want to check milestones, use the internet or a book. Or see how they're doing compared to friends you do see.

It's not a good way to check if your LO is on track. It's annoying, selective and censored. And a very small sample which obviously includes show offs.

My DS was saying single words when his friend (six months younger) was using full sentences. That shocked me in itself but not so much as when the parents concluded that it was because they talked to him a lot!! I decided then never to compare.

This group sucks. It's either bringing out the bragging in them or the insecurity in you.

Your DS is what he is and will make you proud beyond measure in his own sweet time. When he throws out a sentence, it will be amazing. That some other child did it sooner is of no significance.

I think that achievements should only be shared with people who will share the joy.

Unfortunately it is luck of the draw. Our group is all down to earth Mums who share the challenges and joys of parenting. When we are extremely proud, we are open about it so it is not a not-so-subtle brag and certainly not intended to bring out another's insecurities.

All of us fully understand how we all have different challenges in our parenting journey and one of the group is likely struggling with something another is proud of. We do our best to help each other with the hard parts and I genuinely see their children like my own nieces and nephews.

Unfortunately there are groups of Mums who will act as though they are superior, I am not sure what they gain from it as being first to talk/walk/potty train does not mean they will go on to achieve the most. Our eldest are all in school and I can assure you, most of us do not recall who spoke in sentences first or potty trained earliest. I am sure the one who was first to talk is not the one who reads the best today...and equally sure the one who reads best today will not necessarily be the highest achiever in academics. On a separate note, I also don't see any point in sharing a precious moment with someone who does not meet and barely knows my child

Just leave the group. It can be 50:50 - some mums who bond through the real realities of the struggle of being a new parent and are honest and transparent about the highs and lows. And others who are performance parents and want the world to see how "special" their little one is. Remember you don't truly know these people, a lot of what they're saying could be embellishments of the truth so I wouldn't compare yourself against them like for like.

Some people are more likely to share the good rather than the bad and it sounds like these are the type of people you have encountered. Behind closed doors they could be crying everyday, but you'd never know so just take it with a pinch of salt.

Milestones come at a range of ages so ask yourself if you're concerned genuinely or just because you're comparing against xyz.

If you're actually concerned contact a health professional, if not just enjoy while they're still small!

I think this is a problem of the WhatsApp group and the individuals in it. And partly reflection of the issues with social media. People share the great bits but not the shit bits.

You do not need this group of people you detest to help guide you through parenthood. Real life encounters (which I know have been impossible during lockdown and difficult even now) will give you more of a real life understanding of what parenting looks like. If there is a mummies and babies group near you, join that. You should also get your guidance of what children should be doing at various ages from reading and speaking to your health visitor / GP.

In the longer term, yes, there will be kids who do ballet, music, football, Chinese, piano and art outside of school and it is useful to have people to share lifts with and people to ask questions / share information with but there will also be kids who don’t do anything outside of school. You are likely to fall in the middle.. don’t get hung up on what other people show you.. it’s not real and it is not good for our mental health.

I totally get it OP. I met fabulous mums through a local baby group on my eldest and I'm still friends with some of them but on my other two children I had to just disengage from the various groups as I couldn't be listening about their little genius babies anymore. My DS has autism so was obviously not meeting the same milestones once he got to around two. The complete lack of empathy really pissed me off. I think some idiots actually think it's there amazing parenting skills that prevent their children from having any additional needs. My youngest DD has no development issues but I think I'm just passed listening to the total bullshit that these people come out with so I left the group I was on.

I get why you’re upset OP, but it’s also sort of your issue - I’m sure they don’t mean to make you feel bad, they’re just in a PFB bubble & love sharing their kids progress. My baby was one of the slower ones in the group, I didn’t fight it, I was just honest & said ‘How lovely! DD isn’t doing that yet - but she is XYZ’. If you’re honest and open, you’ll encourage the others to be as well.

You are all so right and thank you so much for the responses and understanding. I wish I was in an honest group with you all :-D

I am quite honest with them and say the truth. For example when once a mum said some months ago that her baby had a conversation with her I replied back that this is a fantastic achievement and my DS just started saying yes and no which makes things so much easier!

And when I reply like that they should get it and stop... they should get that someone in the group is behind in speech, the other can not walk yet etc. and they should just stop sharing all the unnecessary achievements.

Or if they do, then they should also share any worries they have, shouldn't they?

There are particularly 3 mums in our group (that also talk the most) who never ever share a worry. And if they do, it's something like "my kid is going occasionally at the potty but I am worried as my mum is asking all the time why the baby is not going more often?" ... when no other baby in the group has started potty training yet! (Just an example). Then, the other two mums never had a challenge, everything is great and their kids are awesome!

Anyway, you all got the point and thank you for making me feeling that I am not that crazy and such behaviour exists and it's not only in my head.

Get out of the group! No I wouldn't say it's typical to be honest; they sound intensely annoying and as you say quite low in emotional intelligence. There are plenty of places you can find out what sort of stuff your kid "should" be doing by certain ages- the NHS for example- likely to be more reliable and possibly more reassuring than these tedious people!

Just to clarify that I am sure all of these mums are just proud of their kids and happy about what they are doing and they don't have any bad intention at all when they share achievements.

However, they should first think and then post!

@Hopitihop

Just to clarify that I am sure all of these mums are just proud of their kids and happy about what they are doing and they don't have any bad intention at all when they share achievements.

However, they should first think and then post!

Think what?

Think that some information they share may make other members of the group feel bad and worried about their little ones if they are not there yet in terms of achievements.

It’s common sense and emotional intelligence, isn’t it?