NCT group

[Hopitihop]

Hi All,

Firstly I don't know if "parenting" is the right group to post this and maybe also I am making too much fuss over it and out of nothing really.

So my NCT what's app group is made from other mums that we all had our babies some weeks apart, almost 2 years ago. Some of them have not spoken to us since the birth of their kids while others all they do is to send texts about how awesome/genius/clever their little ones are.

I am really sick of it anymore as my little one is not meeting all milestones like others do and I am fed up about reading texts like little John said "I want to go the park" and little Mary said "mummy please give me my pink coat not the blue one" and little George knows how to count to 5 and is potty trained.

Congratulations to all of them but why, honestly why, they sending these texts in our group? And honestly, all these kids are just so perfect and their mummies don't worry about anything? Because rarely they share their worries and if they do it's something really unimportant like: my DS is not drinking his milk before bed, what to do? Come on girls!

From one hand it's useful because I can compare my DS and raise any concerns I have to the HV/GP as I know where he should be. On the other hand it's all so fake... We never meet in person and we just post useless texts about achievements.

Am I the only one that feels like that or is it normal in such competitive groups? Are all NCT groups like that?

Actually @Hopitihop you mentioned about FF-ing mums etc… I think our NCT group ended up being very odd in that all 7 of us breastfed, and we all continue to breast feed now except 1. So we’ve all been through a very similar journey in that sense and perhaps that’s one of the reasons we bonded??

@RosieLee2019 maybe you are right... these particulars mums that had FF babies (and I have nothing against formula, C-section and all these weird and unreasonable taboos) had babies who slept 4 hours straight from birth. But of course they would sleep that much and of course they could not share the same struggles as cracked nipples, leaking boobs and always awake/hungry babies. When a newborn gets such large milk quantities in such small time, they are not hungry 24/7 and hence sleep longer...

So, yes, I think that contributed as well... but it was also the personality of those mums to only share good stuff and achievements.

I am now expecting DC2 and I am thinking of these difficult first months... If only I could give birth to a happy toddler and not a newborn :-D

Just You wait until they get to school!
“What page of the reading book is yours on?”
“Mine is on page 5.”
“Mine is on page 10.”
“Mine has finished the book!”
“Mine wrote the book.”

Meanwhile mine was dyslexic and was still just looking at the pictures.

Years later they have all grown up and a lot of the competitive type Mum haven’t got much to brag about now.

My child overcame his problems and did well at uni and has a very well paid, responsible and most of all rewarding job-despite not keeping up in the reading book stakes !😂

Try not to worry about it. I wish I had not let it bother me all those years ago. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

@MadameHomais Thank you!!! Your words mean the world to me today...

My little one is the latest one to speak in our group, she just says a few words and the other ones sing songs, make little conversations etc. ... If I only had your hindsight!!! Good to know and congratulations to your son for his achievement, he sounds like a smart cookie and he smashed it! :-)

One of my friends from before I had kids now has a child with profound physical disabilities and one on the autistic spectrum and one who is neither.
I have three children who have neither neurological differences nor physical disabilities.
She has made it clear on her Facebook posts that she doesn’t think people with an “average” child should bother posting about their child’s milestones like walking or talking or potty training or what ever as they all do it in the end. She believes it is only noteworthy if it is by a child who has struggled to hit the milestone/ wasn’t expected to hit milestone.
Tbh I now find it very hard to talk to her about the kids as the conversation is very one sided. I feel I can’t talk about what my kids have done, or what ever (minor inconsequential, in her view) struggles they are facing as she doesn’t think it’s as important as what her kids are going through.
I get she’s having a very different child raising experience to me, but I’m scared if I every talk about my kids mundane average stuff she’ll be offended and upset or just plain uninterested.
She regularly wants to talk and tell me about what her kids have done, the struggle she has getting the care she needs for them, what they’re doing in school etc- and I’m happy to be there for her so she can offload and rant and be proud of her kids- but I can’t have the same conversation with her about what my kids are up to. I do this with other friends now as she doesn’t want to hear it.
People with kids that are meeting milestones are allowed to be proud of their kids too!
If some one is excited their kid has said a full sentence or fed them self with a spoon does that spoil your excitement that your child nodded or smiled or clapped? Maybe it does- but should it?
Yes, they should be sympathetic to your situation, but they should be allowed to celebrate their kids too. They’re not sending the videos to you personally, it’s a group forum. If you post a video of your kid do they celebrate it for you too?
When my first baby died I couldn’t bare to around babies or new mums as I was insanely jealous they had got what I wanted and grieving what I didn’t have….so I didn’t interact with them. I found people who knew what I was going through. Have you any friends or contacts who have experience with the issues you are facing with your child? You might find them more supportive.
If it all feels to much I would recommend muting the group and relying on books, childcare professional and medically trained people for advise on your kid’s development.
I get it’s hard for you, but I don’t think they are being intentionally mean or insensitive. In a one to one setting it might be a bit much if you’ve made it clear you don’t want to hear it, but in a group there is always going to be a range of abilities, parenting approaches and development.

@Paperyfish Firstly I am so sorry for your loss...

Secondly, I completely agree with what you say. I understand that a mum wants to share what her DC has achieved and this is absolutely fine.

What I don't like is that these particular mums only share achievements and they never ever mention a worry.

Are their kids that much perfect to the point that they have nothing to worry, nothing that irritates them or challenges them?

It can't be "Perfectsville" as another mum above said...

When someone wants to share an achievement with a bunch of strangers/almost friends, then they should also share opposite stuff.

Otherwise, it just gets too much...

@Paperyfish Sorry I forgot to answer your question. No, we don't have any friends or contacts or even family around. We come from another country and we live in the UK and our DC is raised as bilingual... which is maybe the issue with her speech delay.

I also feel that I am excluded a bit from the group because I am not British originally and I can't get all jokes etc. but that's another issue.

I am have in contact with the HV/GP about my DC which is reassuring.

However, other this annoying group I have no-one else with kids that I know in the UK.... It's pretty bad.

It’s possible they are worried about offending you with the more negative posts as they realise how lucky they are. For example: my daughter is a fussy eater and I would love her to eat something other than her list of safe foods.But she’s healthy and not very underweight. My friends son is now receiving all nutrition through a peg tube direct to his stomach. She’d love to cook up her 10000th plate of pesto pasta. Would their complaints really make you feel better?

How about on here? Is there anyone else posting about speech delay? I met other baby loss mums on a different parenting forum which really helped.

I couldn't find a forum about speech delays apparently... I thought parenting was the right one but maybe I am wrong.

Also, the behaviour of the other mummies is part of their parenting style I guess which is what I find annoying.

Do they have that much high emotional intelligent to the point that they don't share worries in order not to offend me? But on the contrary they share achievements which is not offending? I can't believe it... but everyone thinks differently.

It's ok and my DC is not in a "special needs" category that needs special treatment etc. It's only that the style of these mums is far from the way I would behave. For example, one of the mums kept her 8 month old baby on the New Years Eve awake just because it was New Years Eve... I put mine to bed at 7pm. Another mum in the difficult covid days used to go out and meet with friends etc. with her baby as soon as the measures were lifted and like covid is not around. A few other mums were posting their holiday together online like we (the rest mummies) don't exist.

I am not like these mum...

I'm so glad I gave NCT the swerve. Sounds like middle-class insecurities writ large.

“For example, one of the mums kept her 8 month old baby on the New Years Eve awake just because it was New Years Eve... I put mine to bed at 7pm.” And “ Another mum in the difficult covid days used to go out and meet with friends etc. with her baby as soon as the measures were lifted”

It sounds to me like you are really quite critical of these women’s parenting choice too, which are just as valid as yours and presumably work for them.

Not agreeing with their parenting is neither here nor there and does not really back up your claim of lack of emotional intelligence.

It’s ok for you not to particularly like them or agree with what they’re doing and just leave the group!

I had a quick look on the special educational needs section on here and there were people posting about speech delays in young children- there might be something helpful in there!

Hopefully now the restrictions have lifted a bit you might feel able to go out and meet some other parents in real life at playgroups or soft play or the playground or something? Sometimes you might just get on better with other parents more aligned to your parenting values? It is so hard feeling isolated with small ones- I hope you find your some like minded friends soon!

Feel free to message me, my son has a speech delay and it can be very lonely as he is leagues behind my friends kids (though as I mentioned in another message I've found a very supportive group who don't make me feel bad).

He only started saying mummy last week and he's 2.5 - I don't think the others in the group understand how heartbreaking it was to never hear that word.

I have found lots of brilliant forums on Facebook specifically about speech delays so maybe have a search there.

@Paperyfish I will have a look on the MN section you mentioned, thank you.

Yes, hopefully I will meet other parents in real life that we will be at the same wavelength and will share same worries and values.

I am sure all these mummies in my group don't do anything intentional, it's just that this group has not bonded like I was hoping... but it is what it is and life goes on.