NCT group

[Hopitihop]

Hi All,

Firstly I don't know if "parenting" is the right group to post this and maybe also I am making too much fuss over it and out of nothing really.

So my NCT what's app group is made from other mums that we all had our babies some weeks apart, almost 2 years ago. Some of them have not spoken to us since the birth of their kids while others all they do is to send texts about how awesome/genius/clever their little ones are.

I am really sick of it anymore as my little one is not meeting all milestones like others do and I am fed up about reading texts like little John said "I want to go the park" and little Mary said "mummy please give me my pink coat not the blue one" and little George knows how to count to 5 and is potty trained.

Congratulations to all of them but why, honestly why, they sending these texts in our group? And honestly, all these kids are just so perfect and their mummies don't worry about anything? Because rarely they share their worries and if they do it's something really unimportant like: my DS is not drinking his milk before bed, what to do? Come on girls!

From one hand it's useful because I can compare my DS and raise any concerns I have to the HV/GP as I know where he should be. On the other hand it's all so fake... We never meet in person and we just post useless texts about achievements.

Am I the only one that feels like that or is it normal in such competitive groups? Are all NCT groups like that?

Who the hell wants to see pictures of other peoples toddlers?! We had none of this mine are teens now. My mum WhatsApp group is a right laugh. If anyone started posting pictures of their teen and boasting we would think they had totally lost it.

We dont mention kids if it’s funny or to keep track of them - one sneaked out to an illicit party at another teens house unknowing the mums were friends and busted them both!

I just left my nct group! Was suffering pnd and it just horrified me!

[quote Hopitihop]@Chakraleaf If only you knew how much I want to leave it, haha!

However, I don't have the power to do it because it's a great reference to what other toddlers at his age are achieving. It's a fantastic, although annoying way, to know if she is on track and if I need to seek help from professionals.

Trust me, it's a real battle in me!

Are all these groups the same? If yes, it's very frustrating as eventually there will be another group in the future with the same behaviour from mummies. Today is about speech, physical skills etc. and in 5 years time it will be about ballet, football, english and maths!

We can't be antisocial because of how the society is... :(

Unless it's not always this case.

Help please![/quote]
Does your child have childcare? If so, ask the professions who look after her if they think she’s meeting her milestones; or ask the HV. Being part of this group is causing you anxiety, and what little info you do get from the others is not enough of a reason to put yourself through this.
There are many ways to find out what a child, on average, should be achieving. What’s app isn’t one of these.

Leave the group. Or at least mute it. But if, as you say, it's 'damaging your self-esteem', then for gods sake get out.

From one hand it's useful because I can compare my DS and raise any concerns I have to the HV/GP as I know where he should be.

If this is the only reason you're staying in, it's definitely not worth it. How many people are in the group? It can't be more than 10? It's not representative of where your child should be at this point. If you have concerns, speak to your health visitor.

It's a shame your group worked out this way, but two years down the line you've given it a shot and it's not working for you.

@MsTSwift

Who the hell wants to see pictures of other peoples toddlers?! We had none of this mine are teens now. My mum WhatsApp group is a right laugh. If anyone started posting pictures of their teen and boasting we would think they had totally lost it.

We dont mention kids if it’s funny or to keep track of them - one sneaked out to an illicit party at another teens house unknowing the mums were friends and busted them both!

But this is an NCT group, they’re not ‘friends’ as such, the relevant common denominator is that they all had babies at the same time. So of course that will be the main topic of conversation.

Your ‘mum’ WhatsApp group is irrelevant

@MsTSwift also if your kids are teens then WhatsApp wasn’t in use when they were babies, so again, rather irrelevant.

@Hopitihop

Think that some information they share may make other members of the group feel bad and worried about their little ones if they are not there yet in terms of achievements.

It’s common sense and emotional intelligence, isn’t it?

Not really. I mean this kindly as like I said, I used to get the messages through to show off that their little one was doing something DD wasn’t doing.

I remember one member of the group posting to say their 18 month old had been ‘asking to read a particular favourite book every night’ I said ‘he can ask for the book?! That’s incredible’ and she replied ‘…no, but he picks it up’. Take it all with a pinch of salt.

There will always be kids out there more intelligent or able than your own. The key is to relax and be happy with their progress in yourself. You can’t really expect everyone else not to share good news or cute updates in case it upsets you.

Even so no one is interested in pictures of your kid except the other parent and possibly grandparents. Any parent that doesn’t realise that by about 3 months must be pretty dim.

I love seeing the odd photo of my friends and relative’s kids. We don’t all have to be competitively disinterested. I care about them and therefore I take an interest in their life, and that includes their children. A bombardment is annoying, yes.

“However, they should first think and then post”

I think you are making them way too responsible for your own emotions and reactions. It’s up to you to manage that or leave the group if you can’t.

“they should also share any worries they have, shouldn't they?”

No. No one is under any obligation to share private concerns or fears with their NCT WhatsApp group.

I totally understand that you feel in a different place from them and their messages could seem smug/annoying from your perspective and it’s frustrating to not have the connection you wanted with the others in your NCT group. But it’s on you to leave if you’re not happy - find another mum group more on your wave length!

Remember people will share what their kid is good at and not what their kid isn't good at.

Do you meet with this people in real life? Is there anyone you click with and can maybe get to know better?

I also find it useful knowing mums with children the same age but honest ones. Children have different skills, one of my friend's daughter was 9 days older than my son. She talked a lot sooner than my son but was slower with potty training. Both children were completely within the normal range of development.

@KiwiDramaQueen The way I see it, and I appreciate there is no right or wrong, is that if someone tells me my kid can’t walk I won’t send to that person a video of my kid running. This is what I mean by emotional intelligence, to empathise and to step into the other person’s shoes.

This is me though. I appreciate that we are not all the same.

Of course I am free to leave the group and they are free to post all the amazing stuff that their kids are doing and not share any of their worries.

I wouldn’t just feel well with myself to behave like that. And maybe I exaggerate a bit and things are not that bad, but this is just how I am.

@MsTSwift

Even so no one is interested in pictures of your kid except the other parent and possibly grandparents. Any parent that doesn’t realise that by about 3 months must be pretty dim.

Speak for yourself. We regularly share pictures of our children in our NCT group and love doing so. It is so good to see them all grow up and develop their own personalities and times when we cant meet often, pics are a brilliant substitute. I hate being bombarded like a PP but luckily the majority pick their favourites

Mine isn’t like this.

We all had babies going into lockdown 1 and fucking hell we needed each other via WhatsApp in the middle of the night when we had no midwives or health visitors or family around and tiny newborns that weren’t allowed to meet.

I think we’re probably trauma bonded tbf.

@LividLaVidaLoca yes for this first weeks our group was helpful too. But then it changed when each little one developed at their own time and there were the ones that had done everything ahead of all and the ones that were the latest.

Is your group still the same as it was in the beginning? Can it be that someone’s kid is behind in one area and you are still all posting achievements without acknowledging that?

@morechocolateneededtoday I would agree with @MsTSwift.

As an exception I add my siblings kids and my bestest friend kids.

By “interesting in pics” I mean to really care for this kids and find their photos interesting.

Not to just see an interesting photo like I read a magazine out of boredom and I spot something interesting for which I don’t really care.

God that's annoying! Mine isn't like that at all, we've all got new babies between 5-8 weeks and it's all very honest about how hard it is

We had our NCT Reunion last week and I've messaged three of the mum's and none of them have replied to me. They've seen my message but ignored it. I have anxiety that maybe I've said something wrong or maybe I'm just an outsider because I'm the only one with twins 😔 I feel quite down about it. It has been tough as they all live in the same area and go to baby sensory classes etc. But my babies are too young for that at the moment (I delivered last out of the group). Am I being silly for letting this get to me? 😑

@SB91 congratulations for your twins! All NCT groups have babies so close together. I bet yours are not more than 1 month younger than the others, right? How old are they and you just had your reunion and babies already started baby sensory? It sounds like all very fresh to me and you gave birth just a couple of months ago. Give it time and don't worry. Also, did you text them privately or in the group? Maybe if you try the group you would find other mummies more engaged in the group and then you can text these mummies privately?

Whatever happens don't have anxiety about it. Enjoy your time with your little ones! In the end they have the best company, each other, which other babies don't have the privilege to have :)

@Hopitihop thank you so much for replying! Yes our twins are 8 weeks and the other babies are around 12 weeks ish. I chose an earlier NCT course because our twins were likely to be premature. I haven't started any baby classes yet but the others have done loads, I'm just taking my time as I had quite a difficult birth (was in hospital for a while after and still recovering). You're absolutely right, it is still quite fresh. I've been messaging ad hoc in the group and had some replies but when I messaged three of the mum's directly (one was for job opportunities as she mentioned she'd like to work for my company), the other was a recommendation of a toy I have for our girls that we had talked about at the reunion, the other was me thanking them for a recommendation they gave me. It feels a bit strange that all three haven't reolied. I understand Mum life is mega busy so we all put our phones down and forget at times. I really appreciate your reassurance, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment as I've had so many hurdles to overcome with the twins.

Gosh I think we got lucky with our NCT group. We mainly compare notes on how rough we are finding it, in solidarity with one another. Our babies are 13-14 months. There are very few posts about milestones… mainly just asking for advice. Occasionally people will post pics or videos but boastful posts are very rare.

We all get on well and meet up regularly. Only one girl left the group for reasons of which we’re unsure. The most reassuring thing has been realising that all parents have their struggles. My DS is the worst sleeper of the group, which upset me at first when I compared him with the other babies, but over time the others have had their own issues with feeding, behaviour, health, allergies etc… no one has had it plain sailing.

I think I’d leave a group that was ultra competitive and made me feel anxious or insecure.

@SB91 2 months old or 3 months old is too young for baby sensory, especially in covid days!!! These classes at that young age benefit only mummies as they go out a bit, not babies... Babies all they need is a warm environment, hugs and milk at his age. You have plenty of time ahead to do whatever activities you like. I found the best the swimming classes but again before 6 months old the earliest no activities are beneficial for the babies in my mind... As for the NCT mummies wait and see. I doubt that having twins 1 month after them has to do with their behaviour, it makes no sense. All stop blaming yourself that you have said something wrong... It's still so early days, just get some rest, enjoy being at home with your little ones and take every day as it comes. Don't overthink about these things! And if you need anything let me know :)

@RosieLee2019 lucky you! In my group we have a few "perfect" babies that from day 1 they slept great, ate great, walked first, spoke first etc. and their mummies never shared a worry. Oh and all of them happened to be bottle fed. I just can't stand these mummies...

Leave the group. If you're not meeting up in person it's ok to just move on.

Don't let it put you off NCT organised events or other parenting groups. This particular one just isn't your tribe.

My NCT group has lost a few members and a few of us still talk and meet up regularly.

For my second I made friends with some other local mums at baby groups and we still chat lots too.

Most of our chats are what toddler tantrum we put up with today lol.

@Hopitihop you're a star, thank you. I really needed to hear your advice today! I've been thinking way too much over the past couple of days. I'm so glad you said that about baby sensory too, I've already had Mum guilt as I see the Mum's messaging about the different classes they are going to, some doing four or five a week (how they afford it I don't know!). I've only just got the confidence to go out of the house on my own with the twins, that was a big challenge initially!

I noticed some mum's are quieter than others. It has been refreshing on the rare occasion when a Mum says they are having a tough day with their baby, normally it's all 'perfectsville' which is why I can really relate to your post. Thank you again for putting me at ease xx

@SB91 "Perfectsville" that's the right word!!! Thank you :-D

No, don't worry a bit, I was the same, I didn't go out the first months unless for HV, GP visits. Also, my DD couldn't take any dummy and she was crying forever in the car seat... it was horrendous as I couldn't go anywhere. I remember I joined a music class once a week when my DD was around 4-5 months old and she couldn't even sit well back then to actually see what was happening. It was pointless... and looking back, it only helped me to tick the box of a "good", "active" mum that does things and goes out.

Be prepared for "advanced", "perfect" babies in your group that have no issues at all but please don't believe these mummies... I think that all struggle, some are open about it and some only share good/fake stuff like what they would share at Instagram etc.