I swapped my 14yr olds bedroom and he's not dealing with it

[Syndarella]

Hi, i have a 14yr old son, only child, whilst he was away for the weekend i moved him into a bigger bedroom in the house, and made his old bedroom the study/ toyroom, he was not happy about it, wanted his old room back, i bribed him by getting him a tv for his room still wasn't happy then we painted the other room and built him a shelf for his trophies and he wanted to put his surfboard rack in there, i thought all was good and it was for a little while, fast forward his Dad has had an accident and is in the hospital for a while and he's dealing ok when he wants to but now hes asking to go back in his old room again, he tells me his old room is part of him and was where he belonged and now i make him feel like i dont accept him for who he is, and im not understanding him, i feel like he is upset about his dad and wants to be in that room because everything was ok when he was in there but he tells me its not he has just been pretending to be ok in his new room the whole time, i dont know what to do about it, i dont want to change his room back because alot of work and money has gone into changing everything and he was ok for months in there but im sick of fighting with him about it all the time HELP

You shouldn’t have moved him to a different room with no agreement. Move back if that’s what he wants.

I had a brainwave to move 14 yo DS into the much bigger spare room and convert his room into an office. I was sure he’d be delighted. He said no thanks he likes his current room. We bought him new furniture (that he chose) last year and it’s just how he likes it. Even the suggestion of a bigger bed didn’t sway him to the new room. So he’s staying put.

I’d just move your son back. Clearly he doesn’t feel right in the new room. You meant well it just wasn’t what he wanted.

I think what you did was really wrong actually. You should have discussed it. You literally just sprang it on him? Really not fair to a teenager imo.

dd2 is 14.
She hated the colour of her room. She also had a bed that needed replacing.

But she didn't want me to change it, and when I suggested it several times eg while she was on a sleepover I would move stuff/swap bed etc she refused.

In the end, during school holidays, we did it one step at a time. Eg took us 2 weeks to move the stuff out from under her cabin bed. I could have done it in one afternoon.
It has taken us over a year to finish it. I had to paint it in sections at her pace.
Now she loves it.

I know she is extreme, but I don't think the principal is that different.

You have a choice really

1. move him back.
2. sit down, acknowledge that your surprise backfired. Talk about what he liked about is old room, and what he didn't like. Then do pros and cons for new room. Talk about what you can do to make his new room 'home' Work together to make this change work.

Oh and a key part for my dd was that SHE needed to pack up the things moving and SHE needed to unpakc them in the new place.

I could only pack/move stuff with her permission.
When she finally gave me the go ahead to finish it, and free rein to move anything I needed to to do that, it was because she trusted me to understand how precious the things were

You tried to do a nice thing, but it turns out it was a mistake and you shouldn't have done it as a surprise.

Chalk it up to experience and move your DS back.

You should bear the cost of the mistake, not him.

It's a shame he doesn't prefer the larger room, but feeling like he has some control over his life is more important.

You can be as neurotypical, mentally stable and non-anxious as they come and still be thrown by being exiled from your room. I’m an adult and I’d hate it. It doesn’t have to be an anxiety issue. OP just needs to undo this.

Sure you can, although “exiled” is a bit hyperbolic. But they worked through it and it was settled. Only now there has been a crisis, is he going back to it. Just undoing it is ignoring that and not giving him appropriate coping strategies which he will need to equip him as an adult.

@BoredZelda He’s 14, he wasn’t happy about it immediately, had to be bribed to accept it, and now his dad has had an accident. It’s perfectly OK for the OP to move him back into his room to help him cope – it doesn’t mean he’s going to become a Boo Radley shut-in for the rest of his life. He’s a kid who wants his safe place – that’s a perfectly OK coping mechanism and a family crisis (the accident) doesn’t have to be a learning experience to get him through life: “tough shit, kid, bad things happen and when they do, no you CAN’T have a place to retreat to!”

If anything, treating it as an opportunity to toughen up could be far more damaging than denying him the opportunity to build other coping mechanisms. He’s tried to handle the surprise new room; it doesn’t work for him.

You've messed up here. Don't assume a 14 year old is emotionall redundant.
It's quite sad reading his reasons for why he prefers his smaller room.
You should have consulted him.

@elelel Excuse me you know nothing about me. No need for the eye roll.

I'm Autistic and have OCD myself.

I just thought with him having toys maybe there were other issues which would make his reaction more understandable

[quote RevolvingPivot]@elelel Excuse me you know nothing about me. No need for the eye roll.

I'm Autistic and have OCD myself. [/quote]

I never claimed to know anything about you?

I'm also autistic, but I don't really understand the relevance.

We don't need to be offering up potential SEN every time someone isn't happy about something. Is a relatively normal reaction to be unhappy about losing control of your own space.

Well look at it this way he didn't ask you tk spend the only, he didn't ask you to move his room, so it's your fault you spent a lot of money not his. Don't know why you didn't just move the room back when he asked you to. What a weird thread. The TV and the shelf for his trophies can go back to the other room with him.