I swapped my 14yr olds bedroom and he's not dealing with it

[Syndarella]

Hi, i have a 14yr old son, only child, whilst he was away for the weekend i moved him into a bigger bedroom in the house, and made his old bedroom the study/ toyroom, he was not happy about it, wanted his old room back, i bribed him by getting him a tv for his room still wasn't happy then we painted the other room and built him a shelf for his trophies and he wanted to put his surfboard rack in there, i thought all was good and it was for a little while, fast forward his Dad has had an accident and is in the hospital for a while and he's dealing ok when he wants to but now hes asking to go back in his old room again, he tells me his old room is part of him and was where he belonged and now i make him feel like i dont accept him for who he is, and im not understanding him, i feel like he is upset about his dad and wants to be in that room because everything was ok when he was in there but he tells me its not he has just been pretending to be ok in his new room the whole time, i dont know what to do about it, i dont want to change his room back because alot of work and money has gone into changing everything and he was ok for months in there but im sick of fighting with him about it all the time HELP

I do get about the work and money, but happiness is more important, I think.

Sorry OP, moving a 14 year old as a ‘surprise’ was off the mark.

Their space is so important to them as they develop autonomy abd are going through the teen years. You treated him like a toddler, even if you didn’t mean to.

I think you need to apologise to him and tell him of course he can move back. Stop trying to decide what his feelings mean…’ it’s not the room, he’s worried about his Dad’ etc, and LISTEN to him.
Mehta does it matter to you what room he sleeps in?

It seems that you're more upset that he's not appreciating the amount of work and money you've put in to it. Possibly thought he'd be delighted which is fair enough.

Just move him back ? I really don't see why you haven't already ? He's had long enough to adjust. You just get a bigger study now. Get him to help you move back this weekend ?

Obviously a fourteen year old does not get to decide what space he occupies in your house, but I think moving him without even discussing it was a step too far. I would let him move back to his old room, since it seems to be important to him and you have the space.

Your surprise was well intended.

Can see why you wouldn’t let him move back though.

If you need a study can’t it go in the bigger room?

Agree with everyone else. Move him back. And if you lost some money as a result, well, that's what happens when you are so careless of the feelings of a 14 year old. The smaller room might be cosier for him, make him feel safe etc. If he was happy, I can't work out why you wanted to move him in the first place.

I had my desk switched at work without my knowledge while I was on annual leave one time. That was bad enough and I was a fully grown adult.

Teenage bedrooms are sacred! Give the poor boy his room back.

Talk to him, explain it was meant to be a nice surprise and admit you got it wrong. Own the mistake and apologise - it will be a fantastic learning point for modelling mature adult behaviour. Then let him move back!

You made a mistake. After everything children and teens have been dealing with, taking away his space, where he felt in control and comfortable, without consulting or telling him must have shaken him. Now this has happened it's absolutely understandable that he wants his space back. Give it back. It's more important than the money.

I'd move him back, you didn't involve him in this decision. At that age, his bedroom is his safe place, it's he 'space' and you've effectively turfed him out. Think about it along the lines of you coming home to find out that someone has sold your house and moved you into a new one without consulting you.

Use the bigger room as your office. Better for you.

You didn't do anything wrong. Plenty of kids would have liked the suprise - some pp's are being very melodramatic using phrases such as 'erased his life' 🤣🤣.
I'd move him back and not give it anymore thought.

This isn’t a “teen” issue
This is a basic “human” issue. As evident in this thread…. The majority are saying that we, as fully fledged adults, wouldn’t be happy with it

Either way - the OP won’t return. We’ve not told her what she wanted to hear. That this is an ungrateful teen and she shouldn’t move him back

@LessTime

You didn't do anything wrong. Plenty of kids would have liked the suprise - some pp's are being very melodramatic using phrases such as 'erased his life' 🤣🤣. I'd move him back and not give it anymore thought.

I can’t think of any 14 year old boy that would have liked him mum going through all this stuff to move it in to another room. Without mentioning to him. When he never appears to have expressed any unhappiness with the bedroom or desire to move

I remember being moved into a different bedroom when I was 12. I hated it. It was bigger, but didn't feel as nice as my old room.

Id build him back his bedroom as it was and turn the new room into a cool games room where he can have space to hang out with friends, keep his tv and surfboard etc but still have his bedroom as his bedroom with his special personal stuff. Definitely bedrooms are sacred and needs his own space and comfort.

I can see you tried to do a nice thing but unfortunately he didn’t like it.
I’d let him move back. It’s not worth the angst and it can be done soon enough. But talk with him about it, involve him in the moving back, ask him what he wants where, get him to do it with you.

You meant well but you need to let him move back.

My DD is the same age and her room is her safe space, her sanctuary, she’d be devastated if she came home and we’d moved her into another room.

You said he only uses his room to sleep, so why does he need more space? Were you hoping to get him to spend more time in there instead of in the lounge with you?

It was your mistake so what is it about the money? Move him back - he didn't ask for redecoration so its not going to cost anything to move back surely?

@RevolvingPivot

Are there any learning disability issues? Sen autism / anxiety?

Of course, because imagine a NT person for pissed off at something

People seem to be missing what seems to be a MH/anxiety issue. Sure, his mum should have checked first, but if he is attaching a return to the room as a return to a “safer” time, perhaps dealing with his anxiety is a better way forward.

Some people feel more secure in a smaller cosier room. For some people, their bedroom is their safe haven. I understand why he's upset (even though as a kid I would have been fine about this sort of thing).

A friend of mine has a three bedroom house and sleeps in the smallest bedroom in a single bed!

If you can't see how wrong you are I feel sorry for the 14yo! What a betrayal

People seem to be missing what seems to be a MH/anxiety issue. Sure, his mum should have checked first, but if he is attaching a return to the room as a return to a “safer” time, perhaps dealing with his anxiety is a better way forward.
You can be as neurotypical, mentally stable and non-anxious as they come and still be thrown by being exiled from your room. I’m an adult and I’d hate it. It doesn’t have to be an anxiety issue. OP just needs to undo this.

Move him back, and have yourself a lovely hobby room!

Isn’t the answer obvious? Just move him back into his old room. Why bother asking MN?