I swapped my 14yr olds bedroom and he's not dealing with it

[Syndarella]

Hi, i have a 14yr old son, only child, whilst he was away for the weekend i moved him into a bigger bedroom in the house, and made his old bedroom the study/ toyroom, he was not happy about it, wanted his old room back, i bribed him by getting him a tv for his room still wasn't happy then we painted the other room and built him a shelf for his trophies and he wanted to put his surfboard rack in there, i thought all was good and it was for a little while, fast forward his Dad has had an accident and is in the hospital for a while and he's dealing ok when he wants to but now hes asking to go back in his old room again, he tells me his old room is part of him and was where he belonged and now i make him feel like i dont accept him for who he is, and im not understanding him, i feel like he is upset about his dad and wants to be in that room because everything was ok when he was in there but he tells me its not he has just been pretending to be ok in his new room the whole time, i dont know what to do about it, i dont want to change his room back because alot of work and money has gone into changing everything and he was ok for months in there but im sick of fighting with him about it all the time HELP

My sons prefer a small room, like their student accommodation, because they find it easier to maintain tidiness and focus. A big room gets cluttered and messy, and is far harder to tidy up.

God, swap it back. I don't know why you'd fight with him about something so trivial.

He never asked to switch rooms was happy and content in his smaller room why switch at all? Switch him back at 14 he is old enough to decide what bedroom he wants.

Why on earth would you do that when he was away, with no prior discussion?!

I simply cannot understand why you wouldn't discuss this with him first. I'm sure you had good intentions, but does nobody speak to one another in your house? It's a massive upheaval in his life, not to mention a real invasion of his privacy.

There's something about certain rooms - the light, the view, the amount of privacy, the general 'feel' - which some people like and some people don't like.

If you think about when you were viewing your house, a lot of people don't necessarily go for the biggest house but the one that feels right and that they think they will be most at home in.

Maybe your son feels like this about his old room?

It sounds like you did it without his knowledge or agreement? That’s a horrible thing to do. When he objected you tried to override his feelings with “bribery”.

Now you don’t want to change it back as “a lot of work and money has gone into changing everything”

Work and money he didn’t ask for or want invested in a new room. Done as you wanted it.

I agree with him, it sounds like you don’t accept or understand him. I’d also say you don’t respect his feelings or wishes.

I didnt do it maliciously it was as a suprise i genuinely thought he would like it, he only sleeps in there he isnt in there all the time, hes generally in the living room, with us, yes he deserves privacy but he doesnt hang out in there doesnt close the door, i pack his washing away etc, it was his toyroom i swapped them as he was getting older and he didnt need a whole room for toys. Thankyou for your opinions

@SparklingLime the money spent was done with him and his input, the stuff i moved was his furniture from the old room into the new room

Please respect your kid on this.
You have exerted major change on him and you didn't even consult him on it (which I think was a HUGE mistake).
You just re-enforced that he doesn't matter, and that is is your house and he is merely a temporary lodger with no worthy opinion.
Your son is clearly struggling and luckily for you he is articulating this to you, not suffering in silence and doing something crazy.
It seems trivial to you, but you are now aware of what your son is thinking. So what are you going to do about this as his parent?????
I think you need to apologize for making the switch without consulting him, give him your rationale why you did this and give him space to respond, and if he is still finding it hard to deal with, I think you need to make the switch back. This will help your son realise that he is a priority to you (which he should be!)

Our youngest was always much happier in a smaller room. Felt more secure. Please let him move back.

[quote Syndarella]@SparklingLime the money spent was done with him and his input, the stuff i moved was his furniture from the old room into the new room[/quote]
But it was after you had moved his bedroom without even telling him? It wasn’t really for him was it? It was bribery to get him to accept the new room you had allocated to him.

@Syndarella

I didnt do it maliciously it was as a suprise i genuinely thought he would like it, he only sleeps in there he isnt in there all the time, hes generally in the living room, with us, yes he deserves privacy but he doesnt hang out in there doesnt close the door, i pack his washing away etc, it was his toyroom i swapped them as he was getting older and he didnt need a whole room for toys. Thankyou for your opinions

Start preparing your son for being an adult by making him put away his washing, change his bed etc.

He’s far too old to have you running around after him.
It’s your job to show him how to master basic life skills so he can live independently.

You made a mistake. Own it and move on.
Acknowledge that you don’t know everything about your child because he is in the process of becoming a man and having his own opinions and preferences.

My parents redecorated and rearranged my bedroom as a 'surprise' for me while I was away on a school trip once. I absolutely hated it, cried and moved it back!!

Feeling like you have a space that's your own is important when your a child/teen, you have so little agency over anything else so when your parents come in and take over the one thing you feel is yours, it can be really upsetting.

I'd apologise and offer to swap him back over if it's really important to him, but emphasise that he now has a bigger/better room. He may come round.

My DS 14 would be furious. He's old enough to have a right to be consulted. Do you always treat him like a 6 year old?

Are there any learning disability issues? Sen autism / anxiety?

Hmm. And how would you feel if someone moved your bedroom without asking? Move him back OP - you know it's the right thing to do.

You massively invaded his privacy but removing all his stuff from one room to another
As a teen I’d have been mortified and angry

You cocked up OP

You need to apologise for invading his privacy and not consulting him

Sometimes trying to do something nice can backfire. Don’t get angry or try to understand just let him move back.

Honestly, being a teenager is such a confusing time, so many situations they've never faced before, coupled with hormones and pressure - even in normal times it's tough, never mind added to covid. Their bedrooms are their safe places, the place they know the best, where they feel the most comfortable.

I can't believe you switched him without asking. That's not on.

It's a non issue really, just move him back.

Still don't understand why you moved without telling him and agree I would have felt massively upset by that as a teen. In fact if someone came and moved my rooms around now I'd be fuming. Wouldn't you?

But even if it was done with good intentions I don't know why you just didn't move it back when he came home and didn't like it. The fact you've spent time and money redecorating to try and push him into it is all you. You moved him in the first place, you didn't listen when he told you he wanted his old room, you spent the money on redecorating to try and win him over.

He hasn't changed his mind at any point or caused you any inconvenience.

You should put his room back to how it was, including redecorating.

He's upset and feels you don't understand, which you don't. Admit it's not working and listen to him.

Sit down and have a talk with him. Ask if he'd rather move back. Surely it's not that big a deal to do so. But talk to him first.