So, a few months ago my ex drove our son and I to a paediatric appointment (I don’t drive) and on the way home our son had a major tantrum because he didn’t want to leave the attractive toys in the office behind. My efforts to calm our son weren’t working, and my ex lost his cool. He started shouting at our son, which of course upset him even more, then started saying he was going to smack him and proceeded to count down the seconds. I went into a shock and quickly started holding my sons hand which seemed to stop the tantrum (didn’t work before, which makes me think he has been smacked before). Another time he gave us a lift somewhere and our son had a tantrum, the same thing happened and I could see my ex’s hands go behind the car seat and he was touching my sons legs. I got to anxious and I told him to just drop us off at the train station that was just there. When I confronted him, he denied denied denied that he’s ever hit him. He spends every weekend with our son and I have him during the week, so I’m not there to see what’s going on, but his 12 year old daughter (from another marriage) is also there on weekends.
One time he helped us with shopping (I now do shopping online to avoid needing use of his car/being in this predicament), my son tried to grab one of the little croissants out of the shopping bag and my ex picked up him by his wrist. I was in complete shock and I told him no more sleepovers, to have less time together etc. My ex was making out that lifting him up was an accident, he felt bad for hurting him, that he loves his son and would never hurt him. I said to him it wasn’t ok to hit him (as I believe he had from the times I heard him threaten to) and reiterated no more sleepovers while his daughter was there (because I wanted her to know it wasn’t ok if he was doing this). He turned to his daughter and went ‘we haven’t been hitting him, have we?’ To which she responded no but I don’t know if she is being coerced. He’s a very manipulative, controlling person.
Fast forward to last week, my son had a tantrum because I told him we had to walk down the hill and not use his scooter because it wasn’t safe (it was a steep hill leading into a road). I had shopping bags and I kept trying to get my son off the ground because he was having a major tantrum about not being able to go down the hill on his scooter. We were there for half an hour and I felt like crying because I couldn’t get him up to go home. I phoned my ex to ask if he could have a chat with him and that maybe it would help (grandma in a different time zone so wasn’t possible). My ex said ‘you need to smack him’, I just didn’t respond to the command and let my ex speak to him over the phone. I could hear his 12 year old daughter in the background so I know she heard him say this. I sent him a message that night saying I hope he hasn’t been smacking him and he responded to say he hasn’t - why is he telling me to then?
Then the other day, my son was looking out the window and started saying ‘daddy hit Arthur there’ (where my ex usually parks his car). It was completely out of the blue. I asked him where did daddy hit you and he kept pointing to his tummy. And then also said ‘butt’ and pointed to his bum. He was telling me to ‘take doctors’ as whenever he’s had an accident and been hurt, I’ve taken him in to be checked over. I then tried to get my phone, to get evidence of him saying it, as I thought it would be necessary if I need to file concerns for his safety. I don’t know if it sounds like I was talking him into it in the recording, I just needed a repeat of what he told me himself. He kept saying ‘susy helped’ him in the car and that he smacked the car. He was basically saying he was smacked for hitting my ex’s car and that his half sister was comforting him. I spoke to my own mum about it and she told me to hold off for now and play by ear before doing anything about it.
I had more of a think today and I said to my ex that I don’t feel comfortable handing him over this weekend if I don’t feel my son is safe. My ex kept reiterating that he’s never hit him, that he’s a good man, that there are witnesses there every weekend to see he isn’t being hit or smacked. When I mentioned all the times he said he would smack him I was called evil and a liar, so he is attempting to gaslight me. He started saying that his daughter was a witness that nothings ever happened but then I thought to myself she was there on speakerphone when he told me to smack him.
What should I do here? Am I overreacting or is this necessary to keep my son away? Should I contact DSS? He kept saying that if I wouldn’t let him take our son tomorrow then he would contact police and DSS himself.. we don’t have a court order or anything in writing about custody. I know that corporal punishment is technically legal but I do not feel comfortable sending my son there.
I should also mention, that he has a recording of me slapping him during our time together (at the end) and he always holds it over my head with custody, DSS etc. He was abusive to me but he chose which recordings stay or go. I am obviously concerned about how the recording is being used to manipulate me but I don’t feel like I can let it get in the way of protecting my son. Thoughts please.