4 year old says he hates himself

[PantrySnacking]

Since starting school, our son has been struggling with his identity. He states he hates himself, wishes he would die, wishes he could kill other people. He really doesn't like school.

Yet, his teachers reassure us that he appears to have a few close friends and is a very outspoken individual.

Today's event has led me here, asking for help though, I found him applying make up and looking through my stuff. When I gently asked him what he was doing, he replied "I don't want to be me, I want to be someone else. I hate me". He said it with such a broken heart I truly believe he feels this. I tried to prope him further on it and he said he wants to be a girl so he can be like me instead of like him.

I'm clueless. I tried to explain me being a woman doesn't solely make me who I am, and make up certainly isn't part of that (I barely wear it!).

But away from that, I tried to build his confidence in him. I explained how he has traits I love in him.

Help me please. I've no clue what I'm meant to be doing here. I have asked the school for help previously but they've been useless.

Do others in the family use similar Language? As I struggle to see a 4 year old saying they hate themself

Maybe I should add that he is always role playing different people too, and sometimes can take on characters for days at a time, even weeks, not wanting to be called by his actual name.

Today he told me he hates his name because he can't say it properly (he has delayed speech, awaiting SALT still) and that he is too boring

@OnceuponaRainbow18 not at all, we certainly don't use "hate" as it's such a string word. I've always encouraged him to look for different words to use when he uses that word to describe something. I'm clueless where he is getting these words.

Something that particularly terrified me was when he said he would burn down the school if I made him go back there.

He also said that "i loves you so much Mummy that I won't kill you, just everyone else in the world"

Bless him. No idea what to suggest bit this website might help

mermaidsuk.org.uk/young-people/

I would call your GP and speak to them as what he is saying does sound unusual

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I've tried the GP before, they don't want to know at all. They said its school's problem as its a social thing

What does he hate about himself?
What does he like about himself?
What does he want to change?

@PantrySnacking

Well that’s a fob off, it sounds like a mental
Health issue, so maybe a referral to CAHMS?

I asked him @TabithaTittlemouse before,

He hates everything
He likes nothing
He wants to change everything

BUT he does also go through the odd spell of being so proud of himself! It's like living with someone with complete extremes but the "hate" is here 75% of the time

I think you need a CAMHS referral. Is there anything happening at school that is making him unhappy? Is he struggling with behaviour and/or social skills. I really wouldn't jump straight to mermaids. More likely to be something developmental which camhs would need to assess.

I'd be really worried as well, are you absolutely sure he isn't being bullied or something else is going on?

I'd be tempted to pull him out of school or find a different school tbh, was he okay at nursery?

Please don’t get involved with mermaids!

(DW, certainly not going anywhere near Mermaids, was just ignoring that suggestion)

My niece started at early 4 still at nursery asking to be called John wanted to be a boy and is now identifying as make and Jake at 22. It really can start young, no pressure from family to be either way. Another family know to them when the children met as teens through a group had the same but their child reverted and is happy with who they are. It could go either way. No advise but be prepared.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies he was brilliantly confident at nursery, but perhaps too much... he was described as their wild child, the ring leader of the group and their chief mischief maker.

School has knocked his confidence for sure. He tells me he doesn't like it because no one understands him, the teachers don't listen to him that he doesn't like all the other noise (he has sensory issues with noise, particularly music, but it appears this is constantly being ignored by his teacher). I had sent him in with his ear defenders but he said he doesn't want to wear them because he doesn't like looking different to everyone else

[quote CovidforCrimbo]Bless him. No idea what to suggest bit this website might help

mermaidsuk.org.uk/young-people/[/quote]
🙄 he’s 4, chill your beans.

Are school looking into whether he’s being bullied?

Agree no mermaids. My advise if it was my child is just go along with what they want to an extent. It could be a phase but I wouldn't not allow things to escalate anywhere before teens.

What does he enjoy doing? What makes him proud?

I would play on his strengths and at 4 use play to explore his feelings.

Also he may be struggling to understand his emotions as he is still tiny, maybe look at printing out emotion cards and both of you point to one each afternoon. ‘Mummy feels sad because I missed my bus but now I am happy because I am going to put my pjs on’.

I can’t remember the name of the film that discusses emotions? Fairly recent.

Sorry I've had a few wines, my grammar and spelling is the pits 🙈

Please move him schools. My four year old daughter went through a phase of saying she was disgusting. Spoke to the school and was told no issues.

She never refused to go to school, skipped in every day but I just had mother’s instinct and knew something wasn’t right.

I moved her schools and it was absolutely the right thing! Never ever heard her speak negatively about herself since.

There is something going on, you are his only advocate please listen to him.

How can I help him now though, with giving him confidence.

I have contacted HV as I believe I need them, GP or school to refer to CAMHS, they're coming over to visit him Mid-january. It just feels so far away.

This Christmas break has been wonderful with him. I've certainly seen more of his old happy self, today's remarks happened after he asked about when he would have to go back to school...

Forget about the make up thing you’re reading too much into it.

Have you been able to discuss all this in detail with school, do they know all that he has said? He is certainly communicating to you that he is very unhappy there and wants to be with you. Do you feel he gets enough 1-1 time with you? I know that may be tricky if you have younger ones. But sounds like time trying to under exactly what is underneath this feeling and try to address some of that.

Don’t refer to CAMHS or GP, poor boy. Just move him schools he’s obviously not happy. Trust me.

Rude ants, I was just trying to help. You chill your beans.