4 year old says he hates himself

[PantrySnacking]

Since starting school, our son has been struggling with his identity. He states he hates himself, wishes he would die, wishes he could kill other people. He really doesn't like school.

Yet, his teachers reassure us that he appears to have a few close friends and is a very outspoken individual.

Today's event has led me here, asking for help though, I found him applying make up and looking through my stuff. When I gently asked him what he was doing, he replied "I don't want to be me, I want to be someone else. I hate me". He said it with such a broken heart I truly believe he feels this. I tried to prope him further on it and he said he wants to be a girl so he can be like me instead of like him.

I'm clueless. I tried to explain me being a woman doesn't solely make me who I am, and make up certainly isn't part of that (I barely wear it!).

But away from that, I tried to build his confidence in him. I explained how he has traits I love in him.

Help me please. I've no clue what I'm meant to be doing here. I have asked the school for help previously but they've been useless.

@PantrySnacking

Maybe I should add that he is always role playing different people too, and sometimes can take on characters for days at a time, even weeks, not wanting to be called by his actual name.

Today he told me he hates his name because he can't say it properly (he has delayed speech, awaiting SALT still) and that he is too boring

I don’t want to scare you but he might not be play acting. He’s a bit young but there are many MH issues that can cause split personalities in kids - and this is often how they manifest at first. Speak to your GP asap for a referral.

To be honest from what you’ve said about him being ‘mischievous’ and the ‘troublemaker’ at nursery followed by him hating the ‘rules’ and having to ‘sit down’ at school it sounds like he was struggling behaviourally at nursery and they didn’t pick up on it very well, and he is now struggling to adjust to following the rules and high behaviour expectations of starting school. I would be speaking to the school and explaining this and asking them to watch out for him and see if they can see him struggling. It may be that he needs extra support to adjust.

@PantrySnacking

(DW, certainly not going anywhere near Mermaids, was just ignoring that suggestion)

For what it's worth I was genuinely trying to help. Won't bother next time

I would suspect autism. Traits seem very similar to my son at that age. The killing himself chat and others is part of the anxiety. It took years for a diagnosis. CAMHs went down the road of counselling first as he masked so well at school.

His teacher said she doesn't think he has autism because her children do and she said he isn't anything like them (surely all kids are different though even if they are autistic?)

I have ADHD and I'm certainly different to fellow women with ADHD, we don't all present identically?

How has your ds got on with learning in school? I have, as a teacher, seen children really hate school, hate themselves when they have struggles with beginning to read. They have no idea what's going on and no idea how the others are picking p things that they can't get. They have dyslexia but of course as yet have no idea and neither do their teachers. It's very upsetting for them feeling really " stupid" and wanting to get out of there.
How has the learning bit gone for him?
I also have seen children who are eventually diagnosed with autism do the ..l hate myself/ l want to die as they are so overwhelmed with the classroom environment that they keep it in all day and it comes pouring out when they reach the safety of home.
He needs an assessment and school need to take this more seriously.

The teacher is offering an observation on her experience but is not an expert - although will have seen lots of kids who are not NT. Schools often don't pick up on autism, or aren't able/willing if the child is doing ok. My DD is 14, her primary school described her as 'quirky' but a CAHMS therapist recently suggested an autism assessment.
I think your DS might benefit from some help actually, it sounds like he is struggling. It may not be autism, but he's obviously a sensitive child and only an appropriate professional could tell you if it's anything more than that.

Honestly. I'm not going to respond to the insane comments just came to say don't bother waiting for referrals from your GP and HV, NHS services like CAMHS and autism pathways are RAMMED, underfunded and the wait times are horrific. It wouldn't be unreasonable to expect to wait one to two years by which point a significant amount of damage is being done with regards to his self esteem and mental health.

The ADHD Centre in Manchester
A family's best friend in Kidderminster

Those two offer private assessments, the ADHD is £850 and ASD £2500. For our son the whole process took less than three months.

Personally what I'm getting from your description is more ADHD than ASD so if he was my child I'd go with that one first but 100% both.

@loopyapp

Yea not many can afford to pay that

Blimey, I certainly cannot afford that, we haven't even £200 in savings

Thank-you though to everyone's responses on here. I shall be taking my time to re-read through the thread tonight and make an action plan. Take on board some of the strategies

Poor baby
I would pester and pester the gp and school until someone breaks ranks and helps.

@PantrySnacking

Blimey, I certainly cannot afford that, we haven't even £200 in savings

We crowd funded it, school helped organise a fundraiser.

I'm a single parent on benefits supporting two disabled children.

I had a choice wait 86 weeks for an initial appointment with CAMHS or find the money. You'll be amazed how much local business will wanna cash in on being seen as helping vulnerable people and help fund raise.

The private ASD clinic will let you pay in increments and they run an initial assessment that costs £120 that helps determine if its worth continuing.

I'm never one for being that person laying on parent pressure and guilt but trust me, we faffed around with NHS services till DS2 was 7 and he has emotional and mental scars that will never heal.

Find the money.

I would consider if the school is suited to him if he is sensitive. When I was a child I was far too sensitive to be at the first school I went to, I was punched by a boy in the sandpit on my first day and it never improved from there. I cried myself to sleep every evening and stayed awake with anxiety every night. Eventually my parents removed me when a new school opened near to my home and I was incredibly happy there it had a strong Arts/Music curriculum as well as academic and suited me well.

@PantrySnacking

His teacher said she doesn't think he has autism because her children do and she said he isn't anything like them (surely all kids are different though even if they are autistic?)

I have ADHD and I'm certainly different to fellow women with ADHD, we don't all present identically?

I used to be part of a sort of support group Meetup for mums with autistic kids. My son struggled at school and socialising. Some kids were non verbal and in nappies. Some were bright as buttons and struggled with adjusting to new situations. Some you wouldn’t even know they struggled at all.

I’m surprised a teacher isn’t aware of this and would worry about her ability to spot a child struggling if she genuinely thinks every child with autism must be the same as her own autistic child.