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Parenting

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Original poster

In laws mean to my baby how to react

55 replies

XReb31x · 26/12/2021 04:26

Some people might think I'm over reacting, maybe I am but it's really bothering me. I have a 9 months old little boy, he was born in lockdown and due to covid situation he hasn't seen much of my husband's family. Since lockdown ended we have tried taking him to see them whenever we can (they don't bother coming round at all even when invited) so the baby feels a bit shy around them and tends to cry when he first sees them. He doesn't cry much but needs time to adjust to the sorrunding and then he gives them smiles and let's them pick him up too.

My husband's family however make a big fuss out of this and constantly comments that I feel very uncomfortable with. Such as our son is a very "spoiled" baby and they say this in a negative way if he refuses to let them pick him up starighy away and when me or my husband are trying soothe him. They also constantly compare him to any other babies in the room saying things like "look he or she dont act like you, why are u so spoiled" , " fine won't bother with u will just pick this baby", "Hey what's wrong with u why don't u like us" and they imitate his crying and just keep on him. I tend to ignore and not take it to heart but I feel unhappy inside as he's just a baby and like I mentioned he doesn't constantly cry just needs time to get used to them. Also every baby/child is different, shouldn't need to act a certain way how people expect them to. I don't like the pressure or having to constantly explain that he's tired or there's new people around.

As it keep happening and on Christmas in a room full of people, one of my husband's family member continuously made same remarks about our baby infront of people who hadn't seen him before. And everyone kept laughing. I feel quite upset that I should have and didn't say anything. I feel like I need to stand up for my son and say something to these people when they are being mean or comparing him to other kids.

I wonder what other people would do in similar situation. Am I over thinking is it something to ignore or how to respond to such people so its not a full of confrontation but enough to make them realize.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lovemylittlebear · 26/12/2021 04:40

Wow they are a bunch of dicks!!! They don’t sound like very nice people.

My kids have always been easy to pass around - so to speak…whereas my niece is not. She needs a bit of time and space when someone comes into the room and to gradually be warmed up to some interaction. She doesn’t really like to be held my anyone that’s not my sil or bil. I would never think of commenting. It’s just the way she is and she is a baby and needs to be made to feel loved and secure in her environment.

Sorry these people don’t sound very nice. I’m not sure what to suggest really as reasonable people don’t do that. Yes I would want to stick up for my baby (I would probably be like you though and think about it afterwards and be upset as it would catch me off guard) but actually I think I just wouldn’t bother with those people. Sorry they have been so unkind to you both xx

Mamamovingnorth · 26/12/2021 04:55

I would go mad. Unacceptable to treat a baby like that.

MinnieJackson · 26/12/2021 05:10

That's horrible! A 9 month old is never spoiled by wanting cuddles with you! I'm not sure what I would have said but id be really upset and angry. My now 9 year old son never wanted anyone to hold him, that's fine! My 7 and 3 year olds didn't really mind but for short periods and never with virtual strangers (to them) in a new place.

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Lifeispassingby · 26/12/2021 05:14

Oh OP that’s is awful I think I would speak with your DH and come up with a line hi tell in-laws to grow up a bit and show some understanding

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 05:21

My dd was one of those easy babies, who will go to anyone. Your ds prefers to assess the situation first. This is just part of his personality and he is a person in his own right. You definitely need to say something to them. Right now he doesn’t understand so a lot will be in the intonation. Not so as he gets older. Either way it needs challenging. If the tone of voice is negative, he’s learning that strangers are unpredictable and not safe and your partner’s family are reconfirming this. They’re trying to break his boundaries down rather than respect them. It’s really disgusting to treat a baby like this and I would be keeping a close eye on them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2021 05:21

Posted too soon. Yes, this definitely needs challenging.

Mrsmch123 · 26/12/2021 05:26

They are clearly twats! Firstly always stick your for your baby. My baby is happy to be passed around but if he wasn't I would simply say he needs a little time to adjust can you give him a minute. If they started making a mockery of him I would 100% say leave him alone and your not picking him up now!if it's your husband's family and you are uncomfortable saying something get your husband to do it x

mrssunshinexxx · 26/12/2021 05:28

I would leave and I wouldn't be around them again

NOELnoelNOELnoel · 26/12/2021 05:33

I'd make some sarcastic or snide remarks to them TBH.

You could try:
He's crying cos you're being mean to him.
He clearly doesn't like you.
If you actually came to visit him, he'd know who you were and wouldn't act like this.
He's wondering who this bunch of weirdos are.

PeterPomegranate · 26/12/2021 05:40

Your DH should tackle this as it’s his family. They don’t sound very nice! Will they carry this on when yiur son is older because I wouldn’t want him exposed to all that negativity.

YourenutsmiLord · 26/12/2021 05:40

I wouldn't gonear a roomful of rude people and certainly not st Xmas.
Xmas on your own now til he's ? 5 in fact not even then. Xmas is for the DCs not for relatives to baby point score.

groovergirl · 26/12/2021 06:09

You're not over-reacting at all. What rude, sulky, ungracious people, and what an awful way to treat a little baby and his mother! I wouldn't put up with it.

You're being a good parent, looking out for your little one's needs -- and babies need lots of affection and positive attention for their healthy development.

Can you minimise contact henceforth? If there's fall-out, let your DH deal with it. Be prepared for "it was just a bit of bantz" and "you've got no sense of humour", etc. The usual crap.

Stand your ground. Defend your baby.

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/12/2021 06:20

My son would have been exactly the same ( if we had we had ever been in large gatherings at that age )
Awful people. It's everything wrong with them, not you or your baby.
It would put me off them personally and I wouldn't want to be around people like that - with or without my baby.

NotDonna · 26/12/2021 06:40

They’re really not nice. Your son can obviously sense this. Why on Earth would he want to be picked up by people who don’t respect him. They seem very selfish and are not thinking of your baby’s needs whatsoever. They need to change their attitude and behaviour if they want to have a relationship with him. I doubt they’ll change though regardless of what you say. What does your husband think? Can he see what they are doing? Can he have an honest chat with them?

Original poster

XReb31x · 26/12/2021 06:46

I worry that as our son gets older he will be able to understand the negative remarks and it can affect his personality. They pressurize my husband too by saying things like "wow can't even hold our grandson, he dont know us, don't let us hold him". Looking at each other making faces. (Even though a little while later they have the baby in the lap he does let them hold him). But when we try to say baby just needs a little time to begin with "too spoiled" comments start.

My husband agrees with me that he dont like their behaviour but it turns into a debate/argument btw us and he starts saying that they just want to see him and we should take him around theirs more coz their other grand kids who live close by visit almost daily and stay over the night as well. I don't fancy doing that at all. I recently tried arranging for them to come see us and the baby on a time that suits them and they cancelled at the last minute.

OP posts:

NewtoHolland · 26/12/2021 06:48

So many babies are naturally like this even if not born in lockdown, it's really natural for babies to have strong attachments with their main care givers and want everyone else to go away!
I would ask your husband to talk with them about how it makes him and you feel and see if that helps. If not, I'd see them a lot lot less

ChubbyMorticia · 26/12/2021 06:55

I can remember my mother complaining that my daughter was an ‘unhappy baby.’ I was confused because she wasn’t crying or acting unhappy at all.

I asked what she meant. Apparently, not smiling at everyone, putting on a show and launching herself at people to be held = unhappy. Before I could stop myself, I snapped, “She’s perfectly happy. She just hasn’t decided if you’re worth her attention or not.”

About 90 seconds later, my daughter decided that a family member met her standards and began smiling, babbling and generally being a delight.

It wasn’t, however, my mother she choose. And my mother held a grudge from then on. Yes, against a baby.

Some people are simply ridiculous. Babies aren’t entertainment centres. They’re unique people with personalities. Anyone that has demands of an infant’s behaviour is utterly unreasonable.

YourenutsmiLord · 26/12/2021 06:55

They pressurize my husband too by saying things like "wow can't even hold our grandson, he dont know us, don't let us hold him"
Honestly this sounds like your DH is the black sheep/ scapegoat of the family and one or both of his DPs or even several of his family are continuing this sad set up.
My DB still treats my DSis (youngest) as a nuisance , he was the youngest prior to her birth) and he's 64 and she's 60. These things can just carry on .

Original poster

XReb31x · 26/12/2021 06:56

Sorry posted the other message without finishing. If it was upto me I wouldn't go there especially on Christmas but then husband thinks I don't like his family and I want the baby to know my family only! He sees everything they doing and saying but doesn't respond until I mention it and then if I keep on I'm the bad mean person!

OP posts:

unname · 26/12/2021 06:56

Id just leave, honestly. They sound awful.

wildseas · 26/12/2021 07:00

Practice something that you can say each time they do it, and then use it the next time.

I’d probably go for something like “yes it’s a shame he won’t go to you isn’t it. I think it’s probably happening because you’re mean to him when he is shy - he understands a lot now. My mum always used to just kindly give him some time when he arrived without making a fuss and he goes to her fine now.”

Pamlar · 26/12/2021 07:03

"He's not spoilt he's just a good judge of character"
Would be my response
and also f off you absolute twats

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2021 07:08

They are nasty. Sounds like their egos are hurt because your baby doesn't instantly warm to them. All rather pathetic of them.

Medievalist · 26/12/2021 07:16

They sound incredibly unpleasant. You really have to say something. I don't know how you manage to sit there and bite your tongue.

Stage 1 I'd try politely explaining first that he's shy and Covid restrictions haven't helped. When comparisons are made I'd say something about life being boring if everyone was the same. I'd politely but firmly match each and every one of their comments to make it clear you want them to stop.

Stage 2 I'd let my annoyance show and ask them to stop making such unkind comments. Each and every time so you sound like a cracked record.

Stage 3 I'd refuse to take him there and explain that you won't take him there again unless the unkind comments stop.

PLEASE stand up for your son. Sounds like his dad won't so it's up to you.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 26/12/2021 07:16

Why doesn't your husband call out his family when they behave like this?

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