In laws mean to my baby how to react

[XReb31x]

Some people might think I'm over reacting, maybe I am but it's really bothering me. I have a 9 months old little boy, he was born in lockdown and due to covid situation he hasn't seen much of my husband's family. Since lockdown ended we have tried taking him to see them whenever we can (they don't bother coming round at all even when invited) so the baby feels a bit shy around them and tends to cry when he first sees them. He doesn't cry much but needs time to adjust to the sorrunding and then he gives them smiles and let's them pick him up too.

My husband's family however make a big fuss out of this and constantly comments that I feel very uncomfortable with. Such as our son is a very "spoiled" baby and they say this in a negative way if he refuses to let them pick him up starighy away and when me or my husband are trying soothe him. They also constantly compare him to any other babies in the room saying things like "look he or she dont act like you, why are u so spoiled" , " fine won't bother with u will just pick this baby", "Hey what's wrong with u why don't u like us" and they imitate his crying and just keep on him. I tend to ignore and not take it to heart but I feel unhappy inside as he's just a baby and like I mentioned he doesn't constantly cry just needs time to get used to them. Also every baby/child is different, shouldn't need to act a certain way how people expect them to. I don't like the pressure or having to constantly explain that he's tired or there's new people around.

As it keep happening and on Christmas in a room full of people, one of my husband's family member continuously made same remarks about our baby infront of people who hadn't seen him before. And everyone kept laughing. I feel quite upset that I should have and didn't say anything. I feel like I need to stand up for my son and say something to these people when they are being mean or comparing him to other kids.

I wonder what other people would do in similar situation. Am I over thinking is it something to ignore or how to respond to such people so its not a full of confrontation but enough to make them realize.

Wow, they sound awful. Take them on- with the 'spoiled' comments, look at them as if they've grown an extra head and say, 'He's nine months old, not spoiled. Don't be ridiculous- babies can't be spoiled. He will interact with you when he is ready.'

Just be firm and make it clear in your manner that you find the whole premise of spoiled babies to be absurd.

They seem incredibly jealous of you with your baby,never leave him on his own with them as they seem unhinged. Perhaps you may consider getting yourself new inlaws.
He's 9 months old he can cry if he wants to and you can spoil him if you want to its not up to them to make that decision, they seem so overwhelming bossy and remember your little baby doesn't like them either,horrible people

Oh no! Poor baby! My son was the same - always needed time to get used to things. Your in laws sound like arseholes and baby's can sense that. You do need to stop being quiet and stand up for your baby. Even if it makes you the bad guy in their eyes. Your sons well being comes first.

@NOELnoelNOELnoel

I'd make some sarcastic or snide remarks to them TBH.

You could try:
He's crying cos you're being mean to him.
He clearly doesn't like you.
If you actually came to visit him, he'd know who you were and wouldn't act like this.
He's wondering who this bunch of weirdos are.

I would do this and add that anymore remarls, means you are leaving

Your husband needs to get a backbone. I would not let the baby near any of them. They're cunts, seriously, bullying a baby ffs.

Also, ask the in-laws what they mean by spoiled. If it's wanting everything on your own terms and expecting others to put themselves out for their comfort, maybe they ought to look in the mirror.

Also, ask the in-laws what they mean by spoiled. If they're defining it as wanting everything on your own terms and expecting others to put themselves out for your comfort, maybe they ought to look in the mirror to find the spoiled people.

Your husband hasn’t got your back. Is he unsupportive in other ways?

It sounds like an awful situation.
It's important you protect your child's boundaries.
It might be to say something like
"He doesn't want to be picked up at the moment, he'll come to you in his own time".
If they say something mean "please do not speak to him like that".
Although he may not be able to understand verbally what they're saying. Children pick up on facial expressions and body language

This demonstrates a lack of understanding of early child development. 9 - 18 months are peak ages of separation anxiety. A baby is at the stage of being able to demonstrate attachment to key people, particularly parents, and often will display fear at the approach of strangers. This is a good sign as it shows the ability to discriminate between individuals. It has absolutely nothing to do with being spoilt. Babies take time to be open to the approaches of unfamiliar people but forcing approaches will make things worse not better.

I woud stop taking him there.

would

I would go round there without baby or Dh, sit them down and calmly explain the situation. Tell them your ds likes to settle in around people before he’s ready to interact with them, point out that he does enjoy being held when he’s ready. Then tell them that all the negative remarks are getting you down and might affect their relationship with their grandchild long term. Ask them to be more positive towards ds, stop the sarcastic remarks, and be patient.
In other words have an adult conversation with these people before this spirals into going non contact and causes huge shit in your marriage. Your Dh should be able to do this but clearly can’t.

Where is your DH in all this shitty behaviour from his family towards your baby? Why are you having to deal with this? It sounds awful and your baby is entirely normal, they are the ones with the problem.

Urgh, what a bunch of twats! I would be going for a faux-confused questioning of each one of their comments “spoiled? What do actually mean by that?”

This is also reminding me how miserable being with random in-laws/hangers on and relations can be at Christmas when you have a baby - you have loads to do just looking after the baby in a new space, don’t really get to relax and also become a lightning rod for everyone’s weird baby opinions - you have my sympathies OP!

@XReb31x My DS is 14 months and is exactly the same!
I had a blazing row with MIL one day because everytime she visited she’d walk in, pick him straight up and he’d be screaming to get to me. Then one day she held him while he was screaming and refused to give him back while telling me that I “really need to sort his behaviour. It’s really not on for him to act like that towards family members” 🙄🙄 she says he’s like this because I’ve been selfish with him and that “he doesn’t get to decide - he’s a baby” 😬🤣 DH works abroad for weeks at a time so I spend lots of time just me and DS. MIL has been asking since he was 4Days old to have him overnight or time alone with him 😳 and I’ve always said no - so naturally his “behaviour” towards her is because of me 🙄

She now is only allowed to visit when DH is home to deal with her because I haven’t got the patience or tolerance for her crap tbh! So she sees DS maybe once a month for an hour.

Any other family that visit respect his boundaries and if she

Posted too early 🙈

If she can’t respect them then we don’t spend time with her 👍🏻 Simple as that really!! All it takes is for her to come into the house and sit down for 5 minutes then he’ll be his usual self taking her toys and books and wanting all her attention - but she doesn’t like doing that as it’s not on her terms 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks everyone for your comments and I agree ideally husband should stop them or atleast say something as its his family. We've had arguments about other things for the same reason that he doesn't say anything when they are wrong or mean. And if he does they are manipulative and say things like I'm bossy, I don't like them. Some of them are elderly and they always make him feel bad that we don't see them enough, apparently sitting with them for 4 or 5 hours isn't enough and not going there every single weekend is also considered really bad. They compare me with his brothers gfs who leaves their kids with them for the whole day but thats their choice.

I try to avoid conflict with them as they tend to all gang up and can be very unpleasant. But I've decided that from now for my son's sake I will say something back as soon as they start making us feel uncomfortable. Otherwise they will carry on and the way my husband is towards them we won't be able to avoid them completely even if I want to.

[quote PanettoneSeason]@XReb31x My DS is 14 months and is exactly the same!
I had a blazing row with MIL one day because everytime she visited she’d walk in, pick him straight up and he’d be screaming to get to me. Then one day she held him while he was screaming and refused to give him back while telling me that I “really need to sort his behaviour. It’s really not on for him to act like that towards family members” 🙄🙄 she says he’s like this because I’ve been selfish with him and that “he doesn’t get to decide - he’s a baby” 😬🤣 DH works abroad for weeks at a time so I spend lots of time just me and DS. MIL has been asking since he was 4Days old to have him overnight or time alone with him 😳 and I’ve always said no - so naturally his “behaviour” towards her is because of me 🙄

She now is only allowed to visit when DH is home to deal with her because I haven’t got the patience or tolerance for her crap tbh! So she sees DS maybe once a month for an hour.

Any other family that visit respect his boundaries and if she[/quote]
Totally relate! In laws especially mother in law has no patience and a huge ego. Don't want to spend any quality time with the baby but grab him and take photos to send to other people and soon as the baby cries starts making bad comments.

They are bullying your baby! How dare they! As his Mum it is completely right for u to stand up for him and stop him being exposed to this behaviour. 9 month old are very aware of what is going on around them and they deserve unconditional love and kind behaviour. My DC were all not ' performers'. They hated being passed around like a parcel, just wanted to be with me or DH all the time. Now are 3 fantastic confident teens. Your LO is perfectly entitled ( and very smart) to want to stay with you and not be passed to horrible relatives. I like the suggestion of making a formal date to go round and speak to the ILs alone ( book it ahead of time saying there is something very serious I want to discuss with you). I would say all the things that MissyB1 suggested and you might want to include a little bit of child development theory such as how it is a common age to have separation anxiety and also some basic info on how much babies understand at that age. I would finish by saying I want to give them time to consider everything you have said and that u want them to make a fresh start on their interactions with him. Give them a few weeks to consider it all and then come back to you. Don't be afraid to say that as his Mum you will be prepared to do anything to defend DC from anyone who is mean, intimidating or negative. ( in other words to stop them seeing him). Your primary role is to protect DC not to worry about being polite to ILs. So don't let them intimidate you into any other position. Good luck! You sound like a lovely Mum.

They’re making shitty remarks about a 9 month old? Wow.
I wouldn’t put up with that.

This might sound silly, but I had a mantra that helped me deal with stuff this “I’m the mum now” - helped me tap into a bit of my own inner mother-ego and stand my ground against batshit opinions and expectations. This is your child, your family - your rules! Doesn’t have to be aggressive, just about developing an aura of cast iron inevitably about your parenting choices (and expectations!)

Bloody hell op, people understand why dogs need to smell you before you stroke them, why wouldn't they understand that a baby needs to get used to new faces too?
When my dd was born l found this inner voice l had never used before and shut all this kind of shit down .
Next time they do it, talk to your son and passively aggressively say you take as much time as you need to get used to new people - he is just a baby ffs

@MirrorSignal1

They are bullying your baby! How dare they! As his Mum it is completely right for u to stand up for him and stop him being exposed to this behaviour. 9 month old are very aware of what is going on around them and they deserve unconditional love and kind behaviour. My DC were all not ' performers'. They hated being passed around like a parcel, just wanted to be with me or DH all the time. Now are 3 fantastic confident teens. Your LO is perfectly entitled ( and very smart) to want to stay with you and not be passed to horrible relatives. I like the suggestion of making a formal date to go round and speak to the ILs alone ( book it ahead of time saying there is something very serious I want to discuss with you). I would say all the things that MissyB1 suggested and you might want to include a little bit of child development theory such as how it is a common age to have separation anxiety and also some basic info on how much babies understand at that age. I would finish by saying I want to give them time to consider everything you have said and that u want them to make a fresh start on their interactions with him. Give them a few weeks to consider it all and then come back to you. Don't be afraid to say that as his Mum you will be prepared to do anything to defend DC from anyone who is mean, intimidating or negative. ( in other words to stop them seeing him). Your primary role is to protect DC not to worry about being polite to ILs. So don't let them intimidate you into any other position. Good luck! You sound like a lovely Mum.

Thankyou they almost made me feel like I'm bringing him up wrong then I reminded myself he's only 9 months and a very lovely little boy whose always happy when not around them!

I'd have to give a sarky reply like, 'Well if you bothered to visit him in his own home where he feels more comfortable then he might get used to you a bit more. It's not my fault you can't be bothered'. Then flounce off!