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Original poster

Sleep sabotage by DH??

55 replies

Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 02:09

I have a 7 month old whom I’m trying to get into healthy sleeping habits. At night we have a routine of food, 15 mins to let food go down, bath, change into bed clothes and then breast. He’s now getting into this routine and will go to sleep within about 20 mins of breastfeeding starting. It means that he’s now going to sleep around 8 ish (would like to move it earlier but for now that’s a success for me). What I’m struggling with is what is happening around midnight. For example tonight … DH is doing wrapping of parcels this evening (noises with sellotape disturbing DS and DH knows he doesn’t like it) as well as making chocolate cornflakes cakes for the next door neighbours kids at 23.00 (DS smelt this and again started waking) so that when he came to bed at 24.00 and DS was going through a light sleep cycle (not surprising with the sellotape and smell of cooking) DH woke up DS. DS by 24.00 has had enough sleep for him to now be wide awake to play after I’ve spent hours trying to put him and keep him asleep. Am I wrong at getting annoyed by DH disturbing DS? Is it wrong to want DH to just go to bed at 22.00? He says life doesn’t stop just because we have a baby and we must be social and give the neighbours presents. I’m saying that we have a baby and he comes first if the neighbours must have a gift can’t we buy a box of chocolates. At the moment DH seems to want to do everything he did before having a baby and not really partake in the job of parenting except for the occasional bit of play here and there and stuffing DS with food as and when DH has a moment.
Thing is I’m the one whose probably more sleep deprived. I’ve been doing all the night wakings ever since DH’s paternity leave ended so I really want a good sleep routine for DS and a routine that gives all of us more sleep (if poss).

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 02:10

Anyone have any thoughts? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 22/12/2021 02:15

If hes not settling due to normal household activity you need to work on that. Is he taking his naps in total silence or do you carry on as normal around him?

I wouldnt call the noise of sellotape and baking overly disruptive tbh and your attitude and accusations towards your partner are weird to say the least.

ClaryFairchild · 22/12/2021 02:24

Well the noises might be normal, or if it's someone who absolutely refuses to make adjustments they might actually be really loud in the absence of other surrounding noise. And some children are light sleepers, and not a lot can be done.

I think you need to make it clear to your DH that if HIS activities cause your DS to wake up the. It is HIS responsibility to get him back to sleep. And if he was being an arse about it I'd start making sure he gets woken up whenever your DC is awake....

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GTAlogic · 22/12/2021 02:28

I think that yes, you are being unreasonable. You really can't expect silence just because you have a sleeping baby and you can't tell another adult when to go to bed.

Yes, it's annoying when they wake in the night and it's so easy to blame and get angry with your partner but please try not to because it won't help.

Original poster
Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 02:30

Thanks. Should have said parcel tape. Yeah it does get quite loud. Sellotape is not bad it’s the parcel tape that does it.
DS will stir with the smell of food (has done ever since he was a newborn).
I’ve never gone around on tip toes but he will sleep better and stay asleep if there’s no noise/distractions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 02:33

Ok so it’s my sleep deprivation kicking in then. Thanks

OP posts:
Goneblank38 · 22/12/2021 02:36

Hi op, I had two bad sleepers so I really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is killer. Gently though, you sound a little unreasonable here. It sounds like your husband is making reasonable sounds. But...more generally it sounds like your husband could be doing more to parent with you and be supportive. What about if he did the midnight settle? What could be be doing to make sure you catch up on sleep, if not during week then on weekends?

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 22/12/2021 02:37

Type white noise black screen into youtube and try that. Rain on tent is a particular favourite.... And honestly keep life and noise normal around his naps. It will make your life so much easier.

glowingtwig · 22/12/2021 02:42

I'm on your side OP. My Dd is an excellent sleeper at 26 months but it still makes me grind my teeth when DH slams the back door under her bedroom, clatters pans, stomps up and down the stairs, talks in a loud, booming voice. Like, just shhhhhh! If he knows it will likely wake your son at the moment I think that's really inconsiderate.

It won't be forever you have to make small alterations to gain the sleep. I think it's because as it all falls to you and doesn't affect him it's incredibly selfish actually! I would say go on night time strike over the holidays and watch your DH start tiptoeing about - but I understand that with BF that's very difficult.

Solidarity with you, sister!

Anordinarymum · 22/12/2021 02:47

It all sounds ridiculous to me. Why is your husband making bloody cakes for the neighbours late at night? Is he wrong in the head?

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/12/2021 02:55

@Phoebe23 Yanbu FlowersFlowersFlowers Sleep deprivation is awful. Your DH is not being considerate or helpful Angry. If he wakes baby he needs to look after baby and you need some sleep. So, he shouldn’t be waking you either.

You should not be doing all the night wakings. Dh goes to work during the day and if you work at home looking after Ds then you need sleep too. He needs to share the load a bit.

Hope you get some well deserved rest.

BlusteringBoobies · 22/12/2021 02:58

Got to agree with most others here OP in that your DH sounds like he's doing normal things in the evening (even if it is parcel tape and not sellotape!). And even if his version of normal is a little weird!

Presumably your child is in a bedroom upstairs or away from where the noise and smells are?

And you can't just not eat or cook once he's in bed so unfortunately it is just one of those things.

We used to nap our DS in total silence but did start to use pink noise around this time which helped so much.

But i also echo other people that it sounds like your DH could be doing more to pitch in, especially at night. My DH did Friday and Saturday nights so I got two lie ins to catch up on sleep-which it sounds like you need!

Anordinarymum · 22/12/2021 03:05

He's not doing normal things if he is making cakes for the neighbours children at 11 o clock at night. It is far from normal

BlusteringBoobies · 22/12/2021 03:20

Normal to one person is bizarre to another. OP intimated that these are things he's done in previous years.

I was up decorating a cake Sunday night for my friend. Finished around 11.30. It may not be something I do regularly but it's a 'normal' household activity.

Wearing a ski outfit whilst attempting to play the cello hanging upside down on the ceiling would be 'not normal'. Grin

christmascovid7356 · 22/12/2021 03:25

Neither of you are unreasonable. Of course you and DS deserve sleep but your husband is also right that life goes on.

You need to focus on finding a practical solution rather than who's to blame. Could you introduce white noice into your bedroom routine to prevent noise disturbances? Could you close doors etc to prevent cooking smells.

Do you have a spare room? Could you and DS utilise this as a quiet space so that DH doesn't disturb you coming to bed.

There's going to be literally hundreds of problems like this throughout parenting and you need to focus on working towards solutions and dropping the anger.

I know it's hard when you're tired. Could you ask DH to take the baby for a couple of hours first thing so you can catch up on sleep when he's not at work? DH would do this for me in the early days. He'd bring him back to me for milk (I breastfed) and then DS would doze off for his first nap in bed with me and between that I'd get a bit of extra sleep.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2021 03:34

I don’t find what he’s doing normal at all. It sounds as if he’s more engaged with the wants of the children in the neighbourhood than your ds’s needs or indeed being a parent. Your ds sounds like a light sleeper. I am also a light sleeper. No hoovering around a child when they’re little will change that tbh. Making reasonable adjustments otoh will. If your husband isn’t dealing with bedtime, why can’t he wrap the parcels far away from your ds’s bedroom or another time? Or be quieter!! He needs to grow up and start being a dad, doesn’t he?!

1forAll74 · 22/12/2021 03:41

I dont think you have to creep around with a baby sleeping, they have to get used to any sounds that happen in the house..

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/12/2021 03:54

Some babies sleep through noise some don’t. It’s not a one size fits all. Some houses are more sound proof, some are less sound proof. Some houses echo and amplify sound. Packing tape is loud. And Op is the only person on this thread that has heard how loud and disruptive her dh has been.

I was always taught growing up to be quieter when people (of all ages) were asleep. It was taught as basic consideration. It is achievable to go about normal activity without being overly noisy and disruptive.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/12/2021 03:56

If he wakes DS up at midnight, he looks after DS for the next 4 hours whilst you get some sleep.

He'll soon quieten down.

LyraVega · 22/12/2021 04:09

He's not being unreasonable for going about normal activities or going to bed when he wants in my opinion, but he is most definitely being unreasonable by not doing his part when it comes to actual parenting.

If he wakes the baby up he should be settling him, but then i think he should be sharing bed time / night time wake ups anyway tbh.

StruggleStreet · 22/12/2021 04:18

I’m not sure who is BU here, it depends how much noise he was making really.

On the one hand, sleep deprivation is really hard and if you’re the one doing all the night wakings then I think your husband should be a bit more grateful for that and be very considerate to not wake the baby up.

On the other hand, they do need to be able to sleep through normal household noises/smells. You don’t want to be tiptoeing around every evening or having to go to bed early.

We use white noise for toddler DD, it doesn’t drown out everything but enough so that she’s not disturbed by us making dinner or watching TV, etc downstairs. Maybe try adding that into your routine.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/12/2021 04:22

Sellotape is a horrible noise maker.
It seems the right tone and pitch to disturb me, anyway.

I think there is nothing unreasonable in keeping those kinds of sounds a bit muted, for now.

Fanmango · 22/12/2021 04:49

What was his sleep like before? I'm an early sleeper whereas DH cannot sleep before the early hours even if exhausted. Worked well for us with a little one. But what I mean is, if he went to bed at 10pm would he be wide awake, tossing and turning and still disturbing you both? I feel for you as its the worst feeling when they wake and you haven't slept much yet, but I do agree with him that life doesn't have to revolve around a baby.

SD1978 · 22/12/2021 05:03

Sorry- with the examples given you do sounds unreasonable. Issuing cello tape isn't exactly a high noise activity- and making chocolate cornflakes are the same- again not exactly high noise or really disturbing. I wouldn't want to be in bed and silent by 22.00 and it seems like you maybe need to look at other strategies if you feel noise and activity that light is disturbing him.

littleburn · 22/12/2021 05:19

OP I think some of the replies on here are very harsh towards to you. This bit of your post really stuck out to me:

"At the moment DH seems to want to do everything he did before having a baby and not really partake in the job of parenting except for the occasional bit of play here and there and stuffing DS with food as and when DH has a moment.
Thing is I’m the one whose probably more sleep deprived. I’ve been doing all the night wakings ever since DH’s paternity leave ended so I really want a good sleep routine for DS and a routine that gives all of us more sleep (if poss)."

So you have a DH that does minimal parenting, does none of the night wakings and then has the cheek to say to you life doesn't stop just because we have a baby. Well his life certainly hasn't, has it?!

If he wants to do things at 11 at night that wake the baby, then he can deal with the baby at midnight whilst you're tucked up in bed getting some well earned rest. Alternatively, he can have some sympathy/respect for his DW - who has done all of the night wakings since baby was 2 weeks old - and not be making a racket at 11 at night safe in the knowledge that he doesn't have to deal with the consequences.