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Original poster

Sleep sabotage by DH??

55 replies

Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 02:09

I have a 7 month old whom I’m trying to get into healthy sleeping habits. At night we have a routine of food, 15 mins to let food go down, bath, change into bed clothes and then breast. He’s now getting into this routine and will go to sleep within about 20 mins of breastfeeding starting. It means that he’s now going to sleep around 8 ish (would like to move it earlier but for now that’s a success for me). What I’m struggling with is what is happening around midnight. For example tonight … DH is doing wrapping of parcels this evening (noises with sellotape disturbing DS and DH knows he doesn’t like it) as well as making chocolate cornflakes cakes for the next door neighbours kids at 23.00 (DS smelt this and again started waking) so that when he came to bed at 24.00 and DS was going through a light sleep cycle (not surprising with the sellotape and smell of cooking) DH woke up DS. DS by 24.00 has had enough sleep for him to now be wide awake to play after I’ve spent hours trying to put him and keep him asleep. Am I wrong at getting annoyed by DH disturbing DS? Is it wrong to want DH to just go to bed at 22.00? He says life doesn’t stop just because we have a baby and we must be social and give the neighbours presents. I’m saying that we have a baby and he comes first if the neighbours must have a gift can’t we buy a box of chocolates. At the moment DH seems to want to do everything he did before having a baby and not really partake in the job of parenting except for the occasional bit of play here and there and stuffing DS with food as and when DH has a moment.
Thing is I’m the one whose probably more sleep deprived. I’ve been doing all the night wakings ever since DH’s paternity leave ended so I really want a good sleep routine for DS and a routine that gives all of us more sleep (if poss).

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoebe23 · 22/12/2021 05:44

Thanks for all the opinions. I think the answer (looking at all the posts in the round) is probably me boosting my sleep. Going to think about how to achieve that.
Also thanks for the tips re helping baby sleep will definitely be trying these.

OP posts:
RedVelvetSunset · 22/12/2021 05:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It can be very very challenging to get a baby to sleep, let alone get some sort of routine going. I am also the one to do the bedtime/wake ups all night. When the baby is sleeping, you can finally have some time to yourself! That's when you get to lay down and relax. I know how you feel, I have the same issue.

oKoK65 · 22/12/2021 05:56

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable it seems like you feel unsupported by oh in your attempts to sort babies routine but equally it's not unreasonable to have some noise/movement after baby has gone to bed. Maybe I missed this are you in a flat or a cottage? Otherwise is baby upstairs and oh downstairs in which case it's really unlikely he would be disturbed. If you are tired maybe go to bed 9ish whilst oh is still awake and try to get a few hours in before oh comes to bed. Are you both getting up in night? I remember getting abit fixated on a routine when my ds (who slept appallingly) was little. I thought it would solve everything if we nailed the routine, I use to write it down for oh, grandparents and child care and ask it be followed exactly. Looking back I can see I was a bit over top but at time it was really hard managing a new baby who never slept!

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GiltEdges · 22/12/2021 05:58

He says life doesn’t stop just because we have a baby

To be fair, I have to agree with this, you're being a bit PFB. Presuming your DH wasn't in the same room as DS making the cakes and wrapping the presents then he really hasn't done anything wrong, or even been particularly inconsiderate. The baby needs to get used to sleeping with normal levels of household noise, what do you think younger siblings have to do?

StrangerThanSpring · 22/12/2021 05:59

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

It's so hard getting babies into good sleeping habits and it's not asking much for quiet after a certain time so as not to disturb the baby.

He's being a total arse! Next time he wakes the baby, he can stay up half the night dealing with him.

LilFoxes · 22/12/2021 06:00

I remember being like this with DH when I was trying to get DS into a sleep routine. The poor man lived in fear of rolling over too loudly in bed in case the baby squeaked and I bit his head off.
You're being totally reasonable in sleep obsession land, unfortunately, you're being a bit unreasonable in normal land. Maybe suggest that if the baby wakes whilst he's still up, it's only fair that he settles them back down?

GiltEdges · 22/12/2021 06:03

It's so hard getting babies into good sleeping habits and it's not asking much for quiet after a certain time so as not to disturb the baby.

But OP isn't just asking for quiet, she's also asking him not to eat. I mean, where do you draw the line? If the DH wants to stay up until a time of his own choosing, is that only ok if he sticks to a list of prescribed activities? People don't - or at least shouldn't - live like that.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/12/2021 06:13

I worked in a bar when I was younger, and used to chat to one of the older customers.
It turned out that he had lived in the flat below my parents when I was a baby.

He told me my mum made him get off his motorbike at the top of the road, and wheel it to his flat, in case it woke me up!

AperolWhore · 22/12/2021 06:20

Do you use white nouse? I’d definitely invest in one to drown out the usual household noises? It also means baby will be able to sleep anywhere as they’ll be used fo background noise.

I’ll admit the smells waking baby up is an odd one, are you keeping baby downstairs with you or are they upstairs in a cot?

YourenutsmiLord · 22/12/2021 06:26

I would invest in some good ear plugs and inform DH you are off to bed and if baby wakes he can deal with it. It will probably result in some crying sessions from baby but training a totally clueless and uninvolved DH might require that.

Why does he do so little? If you haven't dealt with a howling infant a few times you won't get the importance of them getting a good night's sleep.

Bubblty · 22/12/2021 06:30

Cooking that late at night when it's not essential is ridiculous unless he is a shift worker frankly. He should be winding down to go to sleep. I'd say if he wakes the baby fine, but he can deal with it

Blondefancy · 22/12/2021 06:35

Get a baby sound machine! You can find them cheap on Amazon, they drown out the noise and are relaxing

GiltEdges · 22/12/2021 06:49

@Bubblty

Cooking that late at night when it's not essential is ridiculous unless he is a shift worker frankly. He should be winding down to go to sleep. I'd say if he wakes the baby fine, but he can deal with it
But what about when the baby starts going to bed earlier, say 6:30 and it's just regular dinner that OPs husband is making? Just saying he shouldn't be cooking once the baby goes to bed isn't a workable solution.
Bubblty · 22/12/2021 06:50

But what about when the baby starts going to bed earlier, say 6:30 and it's just regular dinner that OPs husband is making? Just saying he shouldn't be cooking once the baby goes to bed isn't a workable solution. that's fine but late night cooking is silly

Starcaller · 22/12/2021 06:54

Are you using white noise? Covers all manner of sins! We've always been able to just carry on normal household noise with a fan or white noise going on.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/12/2021 06:55

I'd be taking a saucepan to the back of his head if that was my DH. Why the fuck is he cooking at that time of the night?
If he caused the baby to wake I'd make him sort it out for the rest of the night.
Its bloody selfish when you have to deal with the sleepless fall out.

Bancha · 22/12/2021 06:57

I think possibly your feelings about noise and baking are amplified by sleep deprivation at the moment. I can relate; I was absolutely unhinged at the peak of sleep deprivation with my DD.

Having said that, it sounds like your DH isn’t pulling his weight more generally. It’s easy for resentment around the caring responsibilities generally to seep into all areas of your life.

What is he like generally? Wanting to make cornflake cakes for the kids next door and wrapping presents (a lot of men don’t even know where the tape lives…!) makes him sound like a reasonably decent bloke?

I don’t know if it helps to share my experience. My DH was a bit of a disappointment when we had a baby. I expected him to be an amazing dad, just based on everything I’d known about him for years. He was just a little disinterested and didn’t do a lot of the care. However, I was breastfeeding and on maternity leave and ultimately there was less that he could do. It felt deeply unfair to me that his life was carrying on in many respects and mine was almost unrecognisable. He did always make sure I could rest when he could, however, and there were lots of good things be did. The more tired I got, the harder I found it to see the good. I was angry and resentful and unreasonable at times. But I was also utterly exhausted and obsessed with sleep. It just filled my world and I couldn’t see beyond it.

I have personally found that as my DD got bigger, DH was able to do more and felt less excluded from our relationship. It’s been lovely watching their relationship develop and flourish. He is now the dad I thought he would be, and we are much more equal partners and caregivers than we could be than when DD was a baby.

I would add that I am not one to excuse shit men, so if it feels like it’s genuinely not okay in your relationship at the moment; listen to that. You know the dynamic and what he’s really like.

GoodnightGrandma · 22/12/2021 06:57

When mine were asleep we wouldn’t have done anything like that. We were downstairs with the TV on.
He needs to do anything noisy before DS goes to bed.

TheHungriestMama · 22/12/2021 08:03

Where does baby sleep?

I feel your pain, DD was a nosy one and so we had to start using white noise otherwise we'd be sneaking about doing nothing whilst she slept.

He also needs to be doing those sorts of activities maybe while DS is awake? V random to do it so late. He just be very confident that you're the one who will settle DS in the night and that he will get uninterrupted sleep to be up so late at night baking,

I would let him settle DS to sleep after a breastfeed if he's still awake, and if he wakes in the night let him do all the wakings (after a bfeed if you're still doing night feeds) he will soon be cured!

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/12/2021 08:07

@GiltEdges the Op didn’t mention the husband making himself something to eat. It said he was making chocolate cornflake cakes at 11pm. I’m not sure if that involves using a cake mixer etc. but I wouldn’t bake cakes at 11pm with or without a baby because I live in a block of units and my neighbours wouldn’t appreciate all that racket in the kitchen at that time of night. None of them have babies or young children.

Normal decent people who are considerate of others don’t make as much noise as they possibly can that late at night barring the occasional weekend party. Only an entitled prat would think that’s fine.

RedwineforSantaplease · 22/12/2021 08:55

Where does the baby sleep? Do you have all your doors open?

At 7 months you're likely to be in a difficult sleep period anyway so it could just be the baby is stirring anyway, regardless of whether you're making noise or being completely silent. My eldest didn't sleep through until about 18 months and I think I nearly went nuts with the sleep deprivation so try to prioritise your own rest time as much as you can.

oviraptor21 · 22/12/2021 08:59

Regardless of whether these are normal things (and I'd say that at 11pm they are not unless it's an emergency - has DH never heard of getting up early to do things for example) DH knows by now that they are disturbing baby and for that he is BU.
Yes to him sorting out any midnight waking that result from his noisy activities.

HandScreen · 22/12/2021 09:04

You are being ridiculous.

SunflowersInTheShade · 22/12/2021 09:12

@NeverDropYourMooncup

If he wakes DS up at midnight, he looks after DS for the next 4 hours whilst you get some sleep.

He'll soon quieten down.

This! Currently it sounds like baby waking is all your problem. You need to make it his problem then he will be looking for solutions with you.
GiltEdges · 22/12/2021 09:13

[quote ImustLearn2Cook]@GiltEdges the Op didn’t mention the husband making himself something to eat. It said he was making chocolate cornflake cakes at 11pm. I’m not sure if that involves using a cake mixer etc. but I wouldn’t bake cakes at 11pm with or without a baby because I live in a block of units and my neighbours wouldn’t appreciate all that racket in the kitchen at that time of night. None of them have babies or young children.

Normal decent people who are considerate of others don’t make as much noise as they possibly can that late at night barring the occasional weekend party. Only an entitled prat would think that’s fine.[/quote]
Yes, I can read thanks. But OP was complaining about cooking smells in general being a problem, hence if he had been cooking for himself then it'd still have been an issue for her. Also, cornflake cakes don't require a food mixer, he would literally have just been melting chocolate and mixing Confused

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