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Parenting

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Original poster

I think I have PND, how do I cope? *Might be a hard read, please be warned

33 replies

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:19

I've asked twice now for GP to call back but nobody has.

I think I'm struggling with PND. It's a horrific feeling.

My baby was born very prematurely and is in NICU. Due to lack of support, I rarely see her. She's getting bigger every day and I feel disconnected to her. Like I don't want her anymore. Like I don't love her. It upsets me to think I'm going to have to bring her home next year

I just can't do it, or so it feels that way. It's impacting my milk supply. I feel angry. I've held her for a while today and then for a lovely supply. Then other times it's crap and next to nothing. I fed my DS for 3 years.

I feel so isolated and alone in this. I want to love her and get close but I feel regret when I look at her. DS is severely disabled, never sleeps. She might end up like that too. It was a mistake to have her

I thought about her just dying last night and felt a fleeting feeling of relief. Then I broke down into tears with anger at myself. How can I feel like that? I'm a monster.

OP posts:

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/12/2021 14:22

You are not a monster.

You are a mother filled with grief. Filled with fear. With anger. Without support.

You are utterly normal.

This reaction you are having is normal. Allow it.

Why have you no support?

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 15/12/2021 14:25

Oh love, you’re not a monster! You’re dealing with very complex emotions brought on by trauma and stress. I know it’s horrendous right now, but you absolutely do love your daughter, you know you do. Your mind is trying hard to protect itself, that's all. It hurts to care in this situation, it’s painful. It can also be utterly overwhelming at times.

If you aren’t able to speak to a gp it might be better to call your local crisis team or a charity. I don’t know which to recommend but someone will be along soon, I hope, to point you in the right direction.

RedwineforSantaplease · 15/12/2021 14:25

You're not a monster. This is a very difficult time and it's only human to find it hard.

Can you call your HV? They can often sort out an appointment with the GP for you and help you with other support.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:25

@CanIPleaseHaveOne Thank you. I can't talk to anyone I know about this. They would think I'm cold

DS hasn't got any place at a special needs school yet so there's that. Family cannot cope with him, he's too much. Nobody but H to have him after work and he's home late. No annual leave left to be taking. Can't afford to do any parental leaves right now either

I'm getting about 3 hours sleep a night. My son doesn't sleep. Everything is in the motions for more support to be in place but everything takes time

Nursery have set up an emergency help assessment because they can't handle his behaviours anymore, and they're worried for DD When she comes home eventually

My son has been left to the side, I've battled tooth and nail for him for years. He has a diagnosis which is great but doesn't help much it seems

OP posts:

JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle · 15/12/2021 14:26

Can you speak to any of the team that are caring for your daughter? Ask them for immediate help, maybe they can help find you some support.

You are not a monster. You are going through a trauma and need support. You have recognised that you need this. Speak up and speak up loud.

mistermagpie · 15/12/2021 14:26

You're not a monster, so please don't think that. What's happening is really really hard. When you say you have no support, I take it her dad isn't in the picture? Is there any support available through the hospital? My friend had very very premature twins and got counselling through the hospital, it was a lifesaver.

I've not been through this but I've had babies and it's not always the case that you feel the love straight away, it's also the case that people feel panic and regret at times. All this is normal and it's completely magnified by your circumstances. Have you got health visitor support? Not sure how it works when baby isn't home but maybe you could try them if the GP isn't available?

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:26

@JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle The neonatal team know about my situation. They're very sympathetic but there's nothing they can do

OP posts:

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 15/12/2021 14:29

Have you told them how you’re feeling, the reality of it? As pp said they might be able to arrange for you to speak to a counsellor or therapist st the hospital. The neonatal team will have seen countless parents in your shoes, they will understand just how difficult it is to cope with.

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:30

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule I have, yes. There's a very nice psychologist/psychotherapist that comes round the ward and chats to the parents. She phones me every week

OP posts:

gunnersgold · 15/12/2021 14:32

My son was born prem and I left him in scbu because I had a dd who needed me more . You feel detached because her needs are being met . I felt the same but you will get it back when she comes home .
Why will she be disabled , does she have the same thing as your ds ? Or because she was prem ? My son has sn too so I understand .
Having a child whisked off the scbu is very hard to deal with and on top of a lack of sleep must be exhausting.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 15/12/2021 14:34

Oh that’s good.

In the meantime, keep talking here. We can at least let you get some of it out of your head.

As pp said this is very normal and you absolutely aren’t doing anything wrong feeling like this.

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:35

@gunnersgold Thank you for sharing that

DD was born as a micro prem and on vent for first 6 weeks of life. Never got to hold her until day 19. Then not again until just now

DS is a very frustrated little boy and will very likely try attacking her constantly, like he does me. I am scarred a lot from him.

I imagine things like sitting on the sofa feeding her. He will not allow it I don't think

OP posts:

RoosterTheRoost · 15/12/2021 14:35

Can you contact your health visitor? They might be able to get GP to get back to you quicker. HV can point you in the right direction for support services and groups.
Try again phoning the GP.
You need help IMMEDIATELY. You know this, this is why you’re here asking for help.
If you are thinking of harming your children at all, you need to take yourself to A and E. I’m sorry, I’m not accusing you, I know you didn’t say you wanted to hurt your children but just in case your thoughts escalated to that.
Do you have any support at all from a partner or your parents/family?
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Please don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage to breastfeed your daughter. That doesn’t make you a failure and asking for help doesn’t make you a failure. You’re doing the right thing here.

gunnersgold · 15/12/2021 14:38

That is a worry , do you have a social worker / get direct payments for a PA? If you are genuinely worried for her safety when you bring her home then you will need support . The LA can give you money to pay for that .

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:39

@RoosterTheRoost DS is my absolute world. I'd never even think of harming him or wishing harm to him

But with DD, the fleeting thought was that I wish she'd just pass away peacefully so I can get her off my caseload. I can't believe I'm typing that but that's the reality

I'd never ever harm either of them

DS isn't even coming into this. DD is the problem. I just don't want her anymore, that's how it feels

She doesn't know who I am. I must be a stranger. She's going to cause so much upset for my DS. I'm so angry about it, because I'm angry at myself for having her and her being premature

OP posts:

RoosterTheRoost · 15/12/2021 14:40

I’m really sorry I said that about hurting your children. Nothing in your post suggested you were even thinking of doing that. Please ignore that part. I’m sorry for saying that. It was uncalled for. You sound like a caring mum who really loves her children.

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 14:41

@RoosterTheRoost No worries at all, I'm not offended

Just very stressed and tired that's all

OP posts:

maddy68 · 15/12/2021 14:45

You know this happens to half the mum's that are putting these gushing photos of their babies online? You are not a monster your body is flushing hormones around your body and your brain is in the middle of this trying to cope so it blocks feelings

You do need help.

You must be persistent in asking for help. Talk to them at the hospital where your baby is too.

It WiLL get better

gunnersgold · 15/12/2021 14:46

Sorry if this comes out wrong but you do have the option to not bring her home . Someone I know had a baby and she had disabilities , she fostered her and she doesn't live with her . You do have options . Maybe it isn't PND , maybe it is just you know your limitations . X

Novasmummy · 15/12/2021 14:48

I don't thin this is PND I think it's trauma and burnout.

You say your DH can't afford parental leave right now, but in the nicest way possible he can't afford not to take parental leave right now. This will not get better if you don't have time to eat, sleep, take care of your own needs at least for a couple of days and then find some ways to reduce your work load and emotional load and get you the right support.

I'm not sure how much they are able to do right now, but home start volunteers can be a great support, and also finding out what SEN support there is in your area. Mumsnet can be great for reminding you that your not alone in these feelings or these experiences, you are not a monster. You're just overwhelmed and afraid right now and desperately need some support. I would look for any specific support groups as well, I have found groups both in person and online are much more effective for me than counselling or therapy, although even Better to do both.

Good luck, this is so hard right now, but you will get through it. I believe things will be better for you sooner rather than later but in the mean time you need to prioritise recovering from all of this. You deserve to put yourself somewhere in the priority list

Rrrob · 15/12/2021 14:51

Hey @maybeitisgone this is so normal after a nicu stay. I felt exactly the same. Dd1 was in nicu for 4 months and I was completely disconnected. Can you work with the ward psychologist on building your relationship with your daughter? Skin to skin, reading to her etc. Looking back I know I didn’t connect with my dd out of fear.

gunnersgold · 15/12/2021 14:55

@Rrrob very true! Someone asked me if ds was going to survive and I recall saying I don't know . It was a horrible time

Original poster

maybeitisgone · 15/12/2021 15:11

@gunnersgold

What on earth would people think?

OP posts:

Rrrob · 15/12/2021 15:22

Does your dd1 likely have long term health issues? My dd1 did and I’m happy to chat if that would help. No one has the right to judge any decisions you make. She needed 24/7 care which was very tough.

ColdShouldersWarmTummy · 15/12/2021 15:24

It does sound like you need ADs tbh (very understandably!). GP services seem to be pretty much non existent at the moment.. could you maybe call 111 and try to speak to a doctor that way? Or even go to A&E or a walk in center?

If speaking to someone non judgemental would help then I'd recommend PANDAs - will post a link below

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