I think I have PND, how do I cope? *Might be a hard read, please be warned

[maybeitisgone]

I've asked twice now for GP to call back but nobody has.

I think I'm struggling with PND. It's a horrific feeling.

My baby was born very prematurely and is in NICU. Due to lack of support, I rarely see her. She's getting bigger every day and I feel disconnected to her. Like I don't want her anymore. Like I don't love her. It upsets me to think I'm going to have to bring her home next year

I just can't do it, or so it feels that way. It's impacting my milk supply. I feel angry. I've held her for a while today and then for a lovely supply. Then other times it's crap and next to nothing. I fed my DS for 3 years.

I feel so isolated and alone in this. I want to love her and get close but I feel regret when I look at her. DS is severely disabled, never sleeps. She might end up like that too. It was a mistake to have her

I thought about her just dying last night and felt a fleeting feeling of relief. Then I broke down into tears with anger at myself. How can I feel like that? I'm a monster.

pandasfoundation.org.uk/

You’re not a monster OP, you sounds loving and caring and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. Do you have a partner? Are they helping you? Do you know when your DD can come home?

I would start trying to prepare your son for DD arrival home, can you read him stories? Get him his own baby doll and practise being gentle?

would start trying to prepare your son for DD arrival home, can you read him stories? Get him his own baby doll and practise being gentle?

DS would throw that doll across the room or pack it away into a box... he won't read stories with you. He doesn't sit still. He is hyperactive and non verbal with no means of communication. We can't even sign with him for example

He has no way of knowing a baby is coming home until it arrives

I don't think it matters to be honest . You should do what is right for you . I know it's a lot to deal with but I just wanted you to know it's an option .

@maybeitisgone I don't have any experience of having a baby in NICU or of having a child with SEN. I do have experience of PND and I had the same intrusive thoughts about DS dying and feeling like I would be fine with that. It does make you feel like a monster but you're not. It must be doubly (triply? quadruply?) hard to bond with a baby in NICU, and even moreso when you have so much additional stress at home. But when you do bond with her (and eventually you will), and with the right help - whether that's talking therapy or antidepressants - those awful thoughts subside. DS is 2 now and the absolute light of my life but I remember all too clearly the total nothingness I felt for him for the first few months of his life - horrible in itself and made so much worse because it makes you feel like such an awful, awful person.
I promise you're not

@N0N4M3 you're so kind to share that with me. Thank you

Congratulations is the wrong word but congratulations on your DS. It is a beautiful relationship.

I remember when my own DS was a baby... he was like magic

Then one day he woke up and it's like overnight a switch went off of regression

We're so sorry you're going through this, OP

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us we like to link to some ideas for support. We have some more information about postnatal depression here

We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

@maybeitisgone

I've asked twice now for GP to call back but nobody has.

I think I'm struggling with PND. It's a horrific feeling.

My baby was born very prematurely and is in NICU. Due to lack of support, I rarely see her. She's getting bigger every day and I feel disconnected to her. Like I don't want her anymore. Like I don't love her. It upsets me to think I'm going to have to bring her home next year

I just can't do it, or so it feels that way. It's impacting my milk supply. I feel angry. I've held her for a while today and then for a lovely supply. Then other times it's crap and next to nothing. I fed my DS for 3 years.

I feel so isolated and alone in this. I want to love her and get close but I feel regret when I look at her. DS is severely disabled, never sleeps. She might end up like that too. It was a mistake to have her

I thought about her just dying last night and felt a fleeting feeling of relief. Then I broke down into tears with anger at myself. How can I feel like that? I'm a monster.

Hey love. This sounds awful. I've been there. My son was taken to NICU and I didn't get to hold him or see him. When I did see him, he was covered in wires. I felt shockingly detatched - like he wasn't even real, and I hadn't given birth to him. It was AWFUL. It was such a strong 'I don't want you' feeling.

I had terrible PND and PTSD. I had completely detatched. By the time I brought him home (only 2 weeks later but felt a lifetime) I had completely shut down and felt like I would never bond with him. I had awful intrusive thoughts about how much I didn't care about him, and if he died I wouldn't care. I felt like a monster.

You have SO much on your plate, and your brain is protecting you, in its strange way. It's horrible, but it's treatable, you're not a monster, and you will love and bond with your baby.

I'm sorry the GP is being so shit. Tell them you need an emergency appointment, or can you ask the midwives or neonatal team for a referral to your specialist perinatal mental health team? Mine saved my life - they are so used to seeing women who feel the exact same as you. This is serious - I didn't realise how ill I was until I came through the other side. The sooner you get some support, the better, and the doctors should know this.

Sending such love. My son is 3 now and I adore him. This is the hardest time x