Becoming a SAHM even if it’s a financial stretch

[Ohtheaudacity]

I have 2 DS’s, one is 4 and the other is 6 months. After DS1 was born I went back to work 28 hours a week over 4 days. I had the full year of mat leave off and felt ready to go back to work after the year was up. Since DS2 arrived I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I don’t want to go back to work. My job is stressful, busy, with a lot of take home (both mental and physical workload). It’s simply not what I want for myself any more. The thought of doing my job plus having two young kids makes me feel overwhelmed with panic. DS2 is a happy little thing but had some health issues in the months following his birth which led to a couple of hospital admissions, once spending a week on life support. I’m sure these experiences are compounding my feelings about returning to work. My urge to keep him close and out of a childcare environment as long as possible is very strong.

I’ve done the sums and we could afford for me to stay at home by the skin of our teeth. We’d literally be surviving with no money for “fun” or a rainy day. Has anyone done this? Was it worth it? I don’t want my heart to overrule my head and I end up making the wrong decision for myself and my family.

I've done it and it was tough
Also it's not just the sahm mum years you set yourself back long term career wise
I was a teacher , became a sahm after dd2 and really enjoyed the sahm years but then when I did want to go back to work I'd lost my confidence re teaching so went into a new area job wise where I've had far less earning potential and I've never (and will never) catch up with friends who stayed working
Also it is stressful having no money - I used to gave to say 'no we can't afford it' so often to the kids and January after Xmas was always a month of scrimping and value foods, we went down to one car which meant I was reliant on public transport or walked everywhere . I had student haircuts etc
I was planning to go to uni next year to retrain but I'm having big doubts and it's mainly the thought of having no money again that's putting me off

Not in those circumstances. Having no money is miserable. Knowing that if the washing machine breaks, you're screwed as there is simply no budget for a new one. Kids can't go on school trips, days out with friends, birthdays, never mind any hobbies and activities - those all add up.

DSGR Luckily, I don't give a flying fuck about what you think

@TheCreamCaker you sound lovely

DSGR Knee-jerk response to you there - I really don't care what anyone says, my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to be a SAHM all those years ago. As I'd said, our youngest son was an in-patient at hospital a lot as a child (12 times in one year when he was 3) You say that's sad? Yes, it was sad, in the true meaning of the word.

flamebuoy and you don't know me.

Bluntness100 It was fairly common in those days for mothers to not go to work, and for some parents to not go out without their kids. So yes, it was normal then.

I wouldn't.

But from an independent point of view. What if something happens and you break up.

Also children... grow up. Keep a part of you going. I have had a relationship break up and it has been my saving grace. I worked. I earned. I have choices.

I want my children to learn not to rely on anyone ... as you never know what is round the corner in a relationship

Don't do this but do find a new employer and cite lack of flexibility as an issue in deciding to leave. Can you find a different part time job?

@TheCreamCaker

Bluntness100 It was fairly common in those days for mothers to not go to work, and for some parents to not go out without their kids. So yes, it was normal then.

It was normal to be a sahm. My mum is about your age and went to work when her youngest child was 12 ie when he started highschool. I know she felt a little guilty but as an older teen, I saw her have to buy herself nice clothes, have more lunch dates and work dinners with her friendly colleagues, and I thought that was really lovely for her. I’m so glad she found a nice office she could happily work at for almost 20 years. She was always able to go out without us (all 6 of us) or my dad though, and not being able to ever go out without your dc does sound a bit sad to many of us. Being a mother is very important but it is far from the only thing women should value about themselves.

I would try to work but find a more flexible/ part time work. It is then easier to increase your hours when the children are older.

Plenty of women on here are SAHMs despite all the dire warnings about having your own income, what if you get divorced etc. Plus you may be entitled to top up benefits if your DH's income is not high.

If you can afford it, and your DH is happy, then why on earth not?

This right here is exactly why people on benefits get given a hard time - because people assume this is what's happening.

The benefits system is there to help people who need it. It's not there to subsidise the lifestyle of people who decide they don't want to work so they can spend more time with their kids.

If she's quitting work to claim benefits they can't afford it, can they.

I did this after DC2, I hated my job and childcare for 2 cost more than my pay.

I loved being home with my DC when they were tiny but it was hard.

We had no spare cash, Christmas was difficult one year - fortunately the DC were too young to notice and the GP spoilt them. No money for emergencies etc.

I found all my Mum friends either went back to work or had much higher earning DP than mine and I really struggled that I had to turn down play dates to soft play, trips out etc as I just couldn't afford it. That was quite isolating.

Despite hating my job I missed working, the independence, socialising, and worried about my lack of pension (we couldn't afford to pay into one from my DH's salary). DH felt the burden of being the sole earner.

In the end I wasn't really suited to being a SAHM. We moved nearer family and I found a more flexible job, family helped with childcare and things are much better.

In your shoes I would try SAHM while DC2 is still tiny and make active steps towards finding a job that suits you better as they get older, and you can access free hours.

@Ohtheaudacity I am a long term SAHM (15 years +) but it was not something I willingly chose as I was working part time after Ds1 was born but after a relocation for DH's job and before I got another job in the new area we saw the health benefits for me where my medical condition vastly improved so we did a 6 month trial period.

Firstly, those things you love now you may not actually miss as much as you think although saying that we have a bean to cup coffee machine . Secondly, live on just your Dh's wage now until you need to make a decision.

The make or break will probably come down to a couple of things; how you both view money, your access to it, your spending it and how comfortable you both feel with that. Also how tight, tight, really is. Would you be able to pay a £1k car repair bill? Could you afford holidays or days out? For me I had my own car, could afford to shop for what I wanted when I wanted and there was no micromanaging of money from Dh about my spending.

Having had several SAHM friends lots of Dh's are happy as they rely on their partner to do everything, and I mean everything, housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, all school admin, all house admin etc. That can be a difficult transition if you return to work and suddenly he sees housework as adding to his workload as he hasn't done this for 5 years or more.

Going forward would you want to retrain into a different career or just move into another sector or job that is less demanding? Or return to a similar role to what you have now when the children are older? Worth having a think about it.

If she's quitting work to claim benefits they can't afford it, can they that’s really not how the benefits system works but welcome daily mail to the thread

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If she's quitting work to claim benefits they can't afford it, can they that’s really not how the benefits system works but welcome daily mail to the thread

They're not there for people who want to quit work because they'd rather be home with their children.

They're there for people who need genuine support.

Don't quote 2 lines out of context then act like a dick.

They're not there for people who want to quit work because they'd rather be home with their children nor is it possible to do such a thing- you think the government support people who can work but choose not to?

I went back to work 21 hours a week when my twins were 10 months old. It was a demanding role, like yours, but we found our way.

When they were three I was made redundant. This was 12 years ago, and we got by on my husband's salary of 27k and tax credits. But it was tight.

We had a smaller house then, one car etc. It was do-able, I cut my cloth and we carried on for three years. During that time I did some work on People Per Hour etc earning a couple of hundred a month.

When my kids were 6 I found another part-time (stressful) role. The money was welcomed, we moved house, ran two cars etc. I'm glad I re-entered the workforce again.

Now, however, I want to quit after 8 years as it is very stressful, and go freelance, but I'm scared.
I'm worried about pension, mortgage etc. and age.

I'm nearly 50 and realising that pension gaps are not good! Also, there is only so long you will be attractive to employers potentially, so my advice is to find another part-time role (maybe evenings?) and keep your toe in while you can.

No I wouldn’t, the price of everything is going to continue to rise.

I've done this as we had no option with childcare. My advice for you would be to change jobs and find a less stressful one. It's hard being a sahm. Not as hard as some jobs, namely yours but there are chilled out jobs. Find one.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

They're not there for people who want to quit work because they'd rather be home with their children nor is it possible to do such a thing- you think the government support people who can work but choose not to?

I was responding to a poster who was telling OP to do exactly that. I know that's not how the system works. I'm not sure why you're attacking me here.

girlmom21 apologies I thought you were attacking the idea as a concept rather than pointing out it’s not actually possible to do

I wouldn't do it.

Is 28 February your return to work date or the date you would have to hand in your notice if you did not want to return?
What about accrued annual leave?
Can you use this to stagger your return so you go back sooner but taking one or two days leave every week? Going back after maternity is tough, but it does get easier. If after six months / nine months you are absolutely hating it, you can consider your options.

Like pp have suggested, try living on just your husbands income from today and putting your income into savings to both build up your buffer and get a feel for what it would really be like, especially in January and February when outdoor, free entertainment options are less attractive.

Do you like your job OP? Is it in a sphere you have chosen, and trained for etc? Or is it basically just an "earning money" thing?

If the latter, I would be tempted to go against the grain and try to do this, and if it doesn't work you could try to get another job in a year's time. I know lots of women have trouble re-entering the job market but that seems to be generally more of a problem if they've spent a long time as a SAHM rather than a brief break. And it sounds to be like you feel this deep desire to protect your little boy but that maybe by the time he's a more robust (and perhaps 'spirited') 2yo you might feel much more confident and relaxed about handing him over to someone else.

My only other thought was childcare and what you had planned. Depending on what your combined salary is you could maybe look into a childminder or a nanny - ie a much more personal kind of arrangement that might make you feel more relaxed about his care than a nursery.

Could you look for an evening job to provide that safety net?