Becoming a SAHM even if it’s a financial stretch

[Ohtheaudacity]

I have 2 DS’s, one is 4 and the other is 6 months. After DS1 was born I went back to work 28 hours a week over 4 days. I had the full year of mat leave off and felt ready to go back to work after the year was up. Since DS2 arrived I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I don’t want to go back to work. My job is stressful, busy, with a lot of take home (both mental and physical workload). It’s simply not what I want for myself any more. The thought of doing my job plus having two young kids makes me feel overwhelmed with panic. DS2 is a happy little thing but had some health issues in the months following his birth which led to a couple of hospital admissions, once spending a week on life support. I’m sure these experiences are compounding my feelings about returning to work. My urge to keep him close and out of a childcare environment as long as possible is very strong.

I’ve done the sums and we could afford for me to stay at home by the skin of our teeth. We’d literally be surviving with no money for “fun” or a rainy day. Has anyone done this? Was it worth it? I don’t want my heart to overrule my head and I end up making the wrong decision for myself and my family.

No, there’s no way I would do this. Do you really think your children would prefer you to be at home scrimping and saving and worrying about money with no treats?
No. I’m pretty sure they would prefer a mum that works part-time, where there are no concerns about food on the table or what happens when the washer breaks down. Where they can have a birthday party, a holiday, a trip to the cinema and a meal out when they are teenagers..
It’s always hard leaving babies but they grow up fast. Don’t give up your job

Why don't you reduce your hours or see if you can apply for a new job which is less stressful and is less hours per week? I don't think it would be wise to live by the skin of your teeth, because after so long your time with your children will be compromised because you won't be able to do much and that won't be fair on any of you!

Well for a start I don't think you should diminish your earnings as 'fun and savings' money. Those things are massively important both now, as your children get older and as you age.

I had many years as a SAHM because we could 'manage' but the long term impact on our finances is almost incalculable. It stopped us moving up the housing ladder when (with hindsight) we should have done, I will never be able to make up the shortfall in my pension and my career will never reach where it could have done. The last point might seem unimportant if you're not particularly happy in yours at the moment, but children grow up and need you less and I love having something else in my life that gives me a sense of achievement and contributing to society.

Even if you have a DH who is, or may become, a high earner you never know what could happen in your relationship. From what I've seen with friends, being a SAHM is not always great for relationships either because a real imbalance can develop. Not just financially, but how each party views the other and their contribution.

What I'm trying to say is look at the long term, not just whether you can get by in the short term.

I'm doing it now. I work one day a week and my husband earns less than £20k per year.
It's hard but worth it. When he goes to nursery at age 3 I'll look to adding another couple of days work for me.
It is tough going financially though.

Haven’t read the thread but don’t do it! Been there, done that - life is permanent lockdown or going for a “family walk” past things shiny things you can’t afford to let the kids enjoy. You gradually stop accepting invites to grown up things because your clothes are rubbish and you can’t afford it / can’t afford to contribute/ can’t afford a gift.

Before that I thought it would be the dream! I was young and naive and had worked only shitty jobs with shitty managers but I thought “Who needs money? All we need is love and we can make things out of things and play board games from charity shops..!”

It gets old really fast when everyone else is earning and enjoying things.

I would tell my younger self to pursue a career. Any career.

is your eldest at school? For all the cries to keep your job, working full time when your kids start school is very expensive and difficult.

It feels like there should be some half way house between having a full on stressful role ( which sounds like it's not well suited for 28 hrs per week) and being a SAHM.

How big is your organisation- any other roles on offer? I ended up going down a grade to a genuinely part time role when DS was younger due to a health issue and finding it all too much, so glad now I'm older that I didn't jack it in.

@Bluntness100

No of course not, the OP stated that she is unable to do both. But her husband also works full time. So why is he able to if she isn't? My assumption would be that despite both working full time, she is also doing more at home.

NRTFT

We did it. The cost of childcare, we were leaving the house at 6.45 to drop dcs off and not getting home till 6.30 at night, we had no time with our dcs, then there were constant sick days because children get sick, needed to take time off for appointments etc…. It just wasn’t worth me working. At the end of paying childcare we had an extra £10 a month, so I became a sahm. It has definitely been worth it. Financially it’s hard but we make it work, we tighten our belts when it’s needed, I shop 2nd hand, onsell things to bring extra cash in for Christmas and birthdays etc…

My favourite part of being a sahm is when I pick my dcs up from school if they ask to go to the park I can say yes and I get to enjoy being with them rather than them stuck in after school clubs or with child minders. I’m certainly not knocking other parents who work. I just love that I’m able to be with my dcs.

My favourite part of being a sahm is when I pick my dcs up from school if they ask to go to the park I can say yes and I get to enjoy being with them rather than them stuck in after school clubs or with child minders. I’m certainly not knocking other parents who work. I just love that I’m able to be with my dcs.

I worked 24-28 hours a week when my DCs were at primary school. I did pick up at least twice a week. Taking DCs to the park is not the sole preserve of SAHPs.

Are you married OP? When you did the sums did you factor in any benefit support you'd get with just one income, CB, giving DH your tax allowance etc?

How much salary would you lose vs how much was paid out in childcare?

from one of your further posts, it really doesn't sound as if you''re wanting to SAH because it suits you (financial aspects aside - I'm obv not quite sure of your definition of 'skin of your teeth', but I would be very, very uncomfortable living with literally no contingency for emergencies and 'fun' which, esp for children, is often not frivolous, but about societal participation). It does sound as if your son's illness is at the root of this. I'm sorry he contracted such a dreadful disease and so pleased for you that he has recovered. If he's only 6 months this must all have been pretty recent. I think you should take time and space to work through and explore your feelings with a good, supportive therapist (which sounds as if it would be financially doable atm) before you make any decisions. The danger of making the decision to SAH purely or mostly because of your trauma and your fear around him (drawbacks of SAH aside) is that once that choice has been made once it can be made about other things - it legitimises fear as a sound advisor (iyswim) and there is a risk that you may end up curtailing his life and growing independence because of that fear.

[quote Polmuggle]@Bluntness100

No of course not, the OP stated that she is unable to do both. But her husband also works full time. So why is he able to if she isn't? My assumption would be that despite both working full time, she is also doing more at home. [/quote]
She didn’t say she was unable? Are you on thr wrong thread? She says the thought makes her feel overwhelmed and explained it was due to her child’s health issue,

We did it after maternity with baby 2. I was pregnant with 3rd and childcare costs would have been higher than I could earn PT (dh works away a lot). We didn't have many luxuries but did our best to save. It got easier as dh advanced his career and earned more, we also got much better at stretching finances. Now we have 6 kids, a dig and are more comfortable than when I first became a sahm.

*dog

Can you look at doing something like supermarket work a couple of evenings after DH is home instead?

Find a different job which is fewer hours or evenings when the kids would be in bed anyway.

Oh gosh - I can imagine how you feel but I wouldn’t quit your job or voluntarily live so close to the wire as things are now.

Could you negotiate a 3 month may leave extension, or a day working from home??

If not get you get in a cleaner etc to make life easier. Does your DP do their fair share?? Also get onto childcare early to find someone you are happy with.

I''LL probably get slated for this............. I'm 62 and I didn't go back to work properly until the youngest of our 2 sons was 15!! He was really very unwell as a little kid, frequently in hospital. We had a mortgage (based on my husband's earnings only - it was the done thing in those days - and a car, albeit an old banger. We didn't have money for meals out or all the things that are available now and indeed many things weren't around then (mobiles, Gousto, takeaways, etc).

As a result, our sons never went to childminders, nurseries (only the one attached to the school, from the age of 4, they went to school aged 5)or babysitters. We never even once went out without them. Both sons, since being adults, thanked me for that. I was always there, husband was at work, earning.

Try living on just your husband's wage between now and the deadline for making a decision, including Christmas expenses and a small amount aside each month for expenses.

I'd recommend drawing up a budget, and giving yourself a money makeover from the Money Saving Expert website.

Then, if you still think it's managable, do it. Every day you get to spend with your children rather than at work is a precious gift. Takeaways and foreign holidays don't come close.

Both sons, since being adults, thanked me for that

Your sons thanked you for never ever going out without them? Do you feel this is normal?

I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want my dc to grow up living by the skin of our teeth. No fun days. No treats, clothes they’d love, extras to buy random things for baking with. Birthday parties, swim lessons, football. Dp was working Saturday recently so I took both dc to a party at a play space older dc was invited to and had to pay entry for dc2, which is totally fine. I would be miserable telling older dc he couldn’t go to a party because I couldn’t afford to take his sibling while dp was working.

@TheCreamCaker

I''LL probably get slated for this............. I'm 62 and I didn't go back to work properly until the youngest of our 2 sons was 15!! He was really very unwell as a little kid, frequently in hospital. We had a mortgage (based on my husband's earnings only - it was the done thing in those days - and a car, albeit an old banger. We didn't have money for meals out or all the things that are available now and indeed many things weren't around then (mobiles, Gousto, takeaways, etc).

As a result, our sons never went to childminders, nurseries (only the one attached to the school, from the age of 4, they went to school aged 5)or babysitters. We never even once went out without them. Both sons, since being adults, thanked me for that. I was always there, husband was at work, earning.

Well things were affordable on one salary then, they are not now.

@TheCreamCaker I’m sorry but that just sounds a bit sad to me.

I wouldn't do it OP. I can totally understand why you want to stay at home with your son but as the memory of his illness fades I think you will feel better about having time away. We have a v big mortgage and my partner takes home about 4.5k a month, but our outgoings including nursery fees are about that amount. So if I quit we could just about survive but it would be miserable, no presents, no takeaways (we don't go for meals out or have a fancy car as it is!) And also I really don't want to, pension etc is so important. When mortgage rates go up can you weather it? Don't get me wrong I have days when I'm super stressed as my job has quite a lot of responsibility but I work four days a week and it's ok.