Becoming a SAHM even if it’s a financial stretch

[Ohtheaudacity]

I have 2 DS’s, one is 4 and the other is 6 months. After DS1 was born I went back to work 28 hours a week over 4 days. I had the full year of mat leave off and felt ready to go back to work after the year was up. Since DS2 arrived I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that I don’t want to go back to work. My job is stressful, busy, with a lot of take home (both mental and physical workload). It’s simply not what I want for myself any more. The thought of doing my job plus having two young kids makes me feel overwhelmed with panic. DS2 is a happy little thing but had some health issues in the months following his birth which led to a couple of hospital admissions, once spending a week on life support. I’m sure these experiences are compounding my feelings about returning to work. My urge to keep him close and out of a childcare environment as long as possible is very strong.

I’ve done the sums and we could afford for me to stay at home by the skin of our teeth. We’d literally be surviving with no money for “fun” or a rainy day. Has anyone done this? Was it worth it? I don’t want my heart to overrule my head and I end up making the wrong decision for myself and my family.

Do it. You only get one chance at being at home with little children I would take it like a shot.
Providing you are ruthlessly frugal. If cutting back on weekly Gousto box, weekend takeaway, takeaway coffees, music subscriptions is all you are worried about you wouldn't exactly be on the edge.

I went back to work when each DC was 6 months old (25 years ago) because I felt it was expected. We didn't need the money, in fact most of it went on childcare anyway as this was before people got free childcare.
I regreted it later and of course it was too late.

I did it. Slightly different circumstances in that mat leave is only 3 months where we live. Full-time is also 6 days per week. Couldn't bear the thought of leaving my DS, so I quit. Been a SAHM mum for a year now. Its hard in that we have no money for meals out, takeaways etc etc. We used to have quite a bit of spare money so it was a big change for us. I will go back to work early next year.
If its an overwhelming feeling to stay with your kids then do it, if you can afford food on the table and to pay your bills I personally think its worth it as its time you won't get back.

As someone who has lived below the poverty line in and out over the past few years. It much nicer feeling like no fun or money for emergencies is ok when you have it. And maybe a new job with less hours is something to aim for. What happens in the future when the kids get offered school trips you can afford, excluded for sport and music groups. Maybe one day become really good at something and need investment into those skills. This is partly why children for higher incomes succeed more nothing is free in life.

Re-do the maths and work out if you can make any more changes that would allow you to put £x in rainy day fund, then live on that budget for a month in January. You'll know in that time if it manageable or grim.

We cut our cloth so that I can be home with the kids. Our holidays are visits to family and friends, we have a car but rarely use it, making an effort to walk or cycle wherever possible. All clothes and toys and books are secondhand, along with furniture, and we are in a nice but not ideal house. We eat well, but not extravagantly, and I have got used to stocking up when things are on offer etc and planning ahead.

By being careful most of the time, we find that actually there is still provision for treats. We don't have a TV license, or any prime, Netflix subscriptions etc (we have dvds from charity shops, which work fine for our kids at their age), and we don't mind having old phones etc so it really depends what you want to fit into your lifestyle.

Our hobbies are free and outdoors, so we don't need space or equipment at home for them...

There was a time when I'd have rather worked longer hours to keep the extras, but one I had kids I decided I'd rather be at home for a few years and just go without quite a bit of the stuff I used to consider normal.

I'm happy this way. But I know many would think it a miserable way to live! It's really not, in my view.

And I do realise we're lucky to be able to make this choice, as many can't, but for us it has come at significant cost to the lifestyle many of our peers consider normal.

Could you easily find work again if you tried it and it was too tough? For us it's going to be another 3 years, then I'll find part time work, but if we were really struggling I'd obvs go back sooner.

I’d be wary of choosing to live that close to the edge financially but really sympathise with your position.

Could you look for something more part time?

I did this but to make up the shortfall I did the make £10a day thread on mumsnet and made a couple of hundred a month doing that. I also did agency shifts on the weekend in social care. Just four or five a month and that was another £300. That gave us enough for emergencies and Christmas so I was able to stay at home during the week until the free hours kicked in. I missed out on two years of pension contributions but have gone back to work at a higher level than when I left as I I kept my hand in so no c.v gaps. Is that something you could do? I certainly don't regret it!

Actually that’s a good shout. Live on it. Including from now so over Xmas. Live purely on your husbands wage. Do Xmas out of it. Cut all subscriptions immediately and then see if you’re still wishing to stay home after the end of Jan.

Parental leave is a right, not a priviledge. This is how women get squeezed out of the work force.

@Ohtheaudacity you need to work out your finances carefully you mentioned quite a few things you don't really need to spend money on so are you talking skin of your teeth whilst living as you do now ? If that's the case when you look at the income properly you might have more than you thought to live on and then you can make your choice

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Parental leave is a right, not a priviledge. This is how women get squeezed out of the work force.

The OP isn’t asking about parental leave, though. That’s something completely different.

I was going to advise caution but when you indicated that your working means you can have gousto boxes etc then you'll probably be absolutely fine on just one salary when you cut out the luxury spends. You haven't mentioned what your DH earns unless I haven't seen an update so no one here can really say as everyone has different outgoings.

Plenty of women on here are SAHMs despite all the dire warnings about having your own income, what if you get divorced etc. Plus you may be entitled to top up benefits if your DH's income is not high.

If you can afford it, and your DH is happy, then why on earth not?

I say this as someone who has always worked FT.

Parental leave is a way she and her DH can smooth this possibly hardest of transitions.

I’d look for another job, we live like this due to covid leading to dhs redundancy and a reduction in my work and dh now having a serious health condition requiring surgery that is postponed and it’s miserable. The price of things is going up and I worry about paying bills.

I’m trying to retrain into a more lucrative career as this is no way to live.

@Bluntness100

Don't just lie down and accept this. Put your request in writting and force them to respond

What is this! Do you really think putting it in writing is a big deal, all they will do is respond and say what they said verbally.

Reasonably often what they said verbally is not a legally sufficient reason. Putting it in writing either makes them aware of that and either come up with sufficient reasons or accept the request/a modified request. Or they just send an illegal response and it can be challenged. Lots and lots of reasons to get things in writing.

Why is your partner able to hold down a full time job with two children? Does he not pull his weight at home?

Why don't you try 'living as you would be, until the deadline? And see if you like it

@Polmuggle

Why is your partner able to hold down a full time job with two children? Does he not pull his weight at home?

What an odd question. Do you actually think people don’t have full time jobs and two or more kids?

Childcare is a thing.

We get by by the skin of our teeth, by choice. I work part time but I chose to do that in order to be at home with the kids more. Eldest at school now, and when youngest is 3 and will do more hours at nursery (with free 15 hours kicking in) I plan to up my hours a bit more.

“Skin of teeth” for us is not having Netflix or any kinds of subscriptions, shopping at Aldi, family days out to somewhere like a zoo or a castle perhaps once every 4-6 months. Rest of the time cheap and cheerful. No holidays (we do visit family at other end of the country though). We do have a little extra but there’s always something to use it up - as pp mentioned school trips, car tyre needing replacement, etc etc. We do pay to swim together each week.

We couldn’t manage on any less. I do sometimes wish we had some disposable “fun” money, but for now it’s the right choice for us. I do know how fortunate I am to be able to fit my part time work around the kids. And also fortunate to be able to increase the amount I do in a couple of years time.

I would say cancel all the unnecessary things now - bank that money! Save up for a few months and lock some ££ away somewhere as an emergency fund! If you do choose to give up work it will come in handy for sure.

I don’t know whether trading time stress for financial stress will reduce your stress level in the medium term.
It sounds like you are mostly anxious about leaving your son. Would finding out about e.g. the first aid qualifications of the nursery workers help?
My son stopped breathing twice, suddenly, once without any previous illness, but I trust nursery to deal with it as well as I would, perhaps better.

@Ohtheaudacity
I’m sure there will be costs associated with your work that will be cut by not working- lunches and coffees, travel, could you get rid of a car for example?
You mentioned other expenses like meal boxes that you currently use- so being at home would mean you could cut costs. Could it be a career break? For a few years?

I was a sahm for many years- skint? Mostly… but no regrets as it really was best for the children.

What would be your exit strategy? Would your plan be to be a SAHM until they start primary school? That’s not a great time to be starting a new job (with the lack of flexibility and need to prove yourself which that entails) as there are far fewer options for wraparound care and holiday care than there are for preschool children. If you’d be literally just financially surviving then it seems irresponsible to go into this arrangement without a really solid plan for when and how it would end as it doesn’t sound something you could sustain indefinitely.

If your employee really wants you to increase your hours, would they consider you reducing to 2.5 days and advertising for a job share partner for the other 2.5 days?

Seems like a win win. Your employer has full time cover and you get to spend more time with the DC while keeping your hand in at work and still having the money to do some of the fun stuff that you wouldn't be able to afford if you gave up work completely.

Nope not a hope @Ohtheaudacity it clearly doesn't make financial sense at all.

I’ve done the sums and we could afford for me to stay at home by the skin of our teeth. We’d literally be surviving with no money for “fun” or a rainy day.

So your kids get no birthday parties, Christmas presents, holidays, day trips?

That would be really awful.

You could work 28 hours doing a job with much less responsibility if that would help.