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Original poster

Friend not visited newborn

66 replies

RKid · 24/11/2021 18:09

I’ve been friends with my ‘best friend’ for a long time now. I had my first baby when I was 21 and so was content on settling down with life whilst she was single, still keen on partying, went uni etc and that was all good.
I made my friend my DD god mum however she made minimal effort with my DD but I know she cared about her a lot. We were in our early 20s and because she was at uni, I just shrugged it off. I did mention it a few times that she needs to make more effort for my DD who ADORES my friend and there was always an excuse so nothing really changed. It upset me but again because of our age it was something I just accepted. My friend moved away and got married so the little effort she made became even more normal due to distance. She didn’t come to my DD birthday parties or send Christmas presents etc but again I shrugged it off because she didn’t live locally.

Fast forward 10 years and my friend divorced her husband and moved back locally. I was there every step of the way through the divorce as I had been through the whole marriage.

She’s met a new guy now but still lives locally. Now I’ve had a DS who is 8wk old but she hasn’t met him yet and has only messaged me twice, 1 to say congrats and 2 last week to see when I’m free. I haven’t responded because I’ve been so upset at the lack of effort on her behalf and so looking for advice as to what I should do?

It’s not news that having a baby (especially the first part) can be pretty hard work and you do rely on friends at times for a bit of moral support.

Can I even say she is still a friend? What would you do??

OP posts:
Masterblasterjammin · 24/11/2021 18:14

You’ve grown apart because your lives took different paths, which is completely normal. But it sounds like she is trying to see you - you say she asked last week when you were free, and you didn’t reply. What is she meant to do then?

Monsterjam · 24/11/2021 18:16

She has messaged you asking when you are free so I presume she is making an effort. Some people love time and space after having a baby, Maybe she thinks she was doing the right thing.

SW1amp · 24/11/2021 18:19

She has messaged you asking when she can come and see you, and you’re deliberately not replying yet blaming her for not seeing the baby? Eh?

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Original poster
RKid · 24/11/2021 18:20

@Masterblasterjammin my point is that it took her 7 weeks to ask to meet my DS or to see how I was. Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage gone, my post partum emotions are now more levelled, stitches are healed.
Through the hard part I didn’t have my best friend supporting me. I haven’t responded because I’m at a loss as to what to say to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
RKid · 24/11/2021 18:21

@SW1amp my point is that it took her 7 weeks to ask to meet my DS or to see how I was. Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage gone, my post partum emotions are now more levelled, stitches are healed.
Through the hard part I didn’t have my best friend supporting me. I haven’t responded because I’m at a loss as to what to say to her.

OP posts:
ChrissyPlummer · 24/11/2021 18:21

I think you expected too much. If someone “told me I needed to make more effort” that would be met with an effortless “do one”. Not everyone is as wrapped up in your DCs as you are. That said, she did message you but you didn’t reply. What support are you wanting from her?

MeltedButter · 24/11/2021 18:21

I think a lot of childless people really have no clue how hard it is having a baby and don't realise how important it is to you to make an effort with them. Or they feel like you're life is so different that they assume they can't relate to you anymore and that creates distance in itself...never mind the fact that it is very different.

SW1amp · 24/11/2021 18:24

Op, you sound incredibly demanding slash needy of what she has to do to meet your expectations

This isn’t usual in any friendships I have

It’s game playing to sit around waiting for the approach and then judging and scoring how well they did

A normal friendship would be you texting her if you needed a chat, or had some time to meet

If I had radio silence from a friend with a baby, including ignoring my messages asking how they were, I would assume they didn’t want to meet and give them some space

Less game playing, more communication and friendships might be easier for you

mybroomstick · 24/11/2021 18:26

Does she like children/babies?

Constellationstation · 24/11/2021 18:29

I think you’re being overly harsh. I don’t really understand the significance of your friend seeing them at ‘fresh, gorgeous newborn stage’ and before your stitches have healed. She messaged to congratulate you and now wants to know when you’re free. That all seems ok to me. Did you invite her to come over earlier?

Original poster
RKid · 24/11/2021 18:31

@SW1amp

I get what you’re saying but in life there are only a few times that you should expect a bit of support from your closest friends and one of those is having a brand new baby.

I don’t ask for a lot generally, I’m always there for my pals, was there for her through her whole divorce and so feeling a little bruised that the care and support isn’t reciprocated when I’m at my most vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
RKid · 24/11/2021 18:32

@mybroomstick I assume so? Confused that thought never actually occurred to me you know.

OP posts:
trumpisagit · 24/11/2021 18:32

Not everyone likes newborn babies, and lots of people are a little nervous of how fragile they appear.
It doesn't matter that she hasn't met him as a newborn - she obviously isn't that into babies, but she's your friend, not your childs.

Monsterjam · 24/11/2021 18:32

I understand what you are saying… but completely disagree with you all and will carry on being cross with my friend and potentially lose the friendship over it Blush

SW1amp · 24/11/2021 18:34

[quote RKid]@SW1amp

I get what you’re saying but in life there are only a few times that you should expect a bit of support from your closest friends and one of those is having a brand new baby.

I don’t ask for a lot generally, I’m always there for my pals, was there for her through her whole divorce and so feeling a little bruised that the care and support isn’t reciprocated when I’m at my most vulnerable.[/quote]
Then ask for help!

But ignoring your friend when she reaches out to you isn’t the best strategy for getting someone to be a part of your life

It sounds like you’re constantly testing her to see how good a friend she is
That’s really childish behaviour

CampagVelocet · 24/11/2021 18:35

Not everyone thinks newborns are fresh and gorgeous. I don't. Perhaps she wanted to give you time to bond and heal and thought you'd appreciate space! Sounds like she can't win, she's trying to reach out now and you're rejecting her.

maddy68 · 24/11/2021 18:35

My close friends have had babies. Other people's babies just don't interest me so haven't seen that much of them
Plus she's single. She's busy.
She still loves and cares for you but she doesn't want to talk baby either. It's really dull to others that aren't in the same boat

Original poster
RKid · 24/11/2021 18:36

@Constellationstation basically when I’m at my most vulnerable and may need a bit of help from my best friend, especially when DH went back to work.
I invited her to come over as soon as DS was born. If she couldn’t make it over to meet him in the last 8 weeks, fine, but not picking up the phone and checking in imo speaks volumes

OP posts:
MeltedButter · 24/11/2021 18:37

I get what you’re saying but in life there are only a few times that you should expect a bit of support from your closest friends and one of those is having a brand new baby.

Does she know about your expectations? Has this ever been spoken about?

ChrissyPlummer · 24/11/2021 18:37

Perhaps she’s read some threads on here, where no one ever answers the door and no one ever wants visitors with a newborn Grin

Rainbowqueeen · 24/11/2021 18:38

I think from her perspective there may be a couple of things going on. One is covid. I certainly am not expecting to meet newborns as early as I might have previously. The second is that she is recently divorced and without her own kids. Maybe she is finding this hard.

I’d respond to her message and get together with her.

I agree that you have grown apart because you have taken different paths in life but I don’t think she has been a terrible friend

Heartdogs · 24/11/2021 18:41

I think the first step in setting her more is replying to her text asking when you are free with details of when you are free and a suggestion of what you could do together.

Hoolahupsaresquare · 24/11/2021 18:42

She’s congratulated you and has now asked when you’re free ?

I presume she has a life of her own so may have been busy until now.

Did you speak ot message her at any point ?

starray · 24/11/2021 18:43

[quote RKid]@Masterblasterjammin my point is that it took her 7 weeks to ask to meet my DS or to see how I was. Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage gone, my post partum emotions are now more levelled, stitches are healed.
Through the hard part I didn’t have my best friend supporting me. I haven’t responded because I’m at a loss as to what to say to her.[/quote]
She may have thought you wanted space to be with your new baby, and was trying to give you that space. Not everyone wants visitors around when they are going through the newborn stage!

SW1amp · 24/11/2021 18:44

[quote RKid]@Constellationstation basically when I’m at my most vulnerable and may need a bit of help from my best friend, especially when DH went back to work.
I invited her to come over as soon as DS was born. If she couldn’t make it over to meet him in the last 8 weeks, fine, but not picking up the phone and checking in imo speaks volumes[/quote]
It sounds like you’ve totally made up your mind as to her intentions, despite every single poster telling you differently

So not really sure what the point of your thread is. You’ve made up your mind about her, obviously