Friend not visited newborn

[RKid]

I’ve been friends with my ‘best friend’ for a long time now. I had my first baby when I was 21 and so was content on settling down with life whilst she was single, still keen on partying, went uni etc and that was all good.
I made my friend my DD god mum however she made minimal effort with my DD but I know she cared about her a lot. We were in our early 20s and because she was at uni, I just shrugged it off. I did mention it a few times that she needs to make more effort for my DD who ADORES my friend and there was always an excuse so nothing really changed. It upset me but again because of our age it was something I just accepted. My friend moved away and got married so the little effort she made became even more normal due to distance. She didn’t come to my DD birthday parties or send Christmas presents etc but again I shrugged it off because she didn’t live locally.

Fast forward 10 years and my friend divorced her husband and moved back locally. I was there every step of the way through the divorce as I had been through the whole marriage.

She’s met a new guy now but still lives locally. Now I’ve had a DS who is 8wk old but she hasn’t met him yet and has only messaged me twice, 1 to say congrats and 2 last week to see when I’m free. I haven’t responded because I’ve been so upset at the lack of effort on her behalf and so looking for advice as to what I should do?

It’s not news that having a baby (especially the first part) can be pretty hard work and you do rely on friends at times for a bit of moral support.

Can I even say she is still a friend? What would you do??

Sorry op I know this isn't AIBU, but I think you're being a bit precious. Not everyone likes babies. I would never tell anyone to make more effort with my dc. It was my choice to have them, therefore my responsibility, I wouldn't tell my friends they need to make more effort. I'd be too embarrassed. That said, yes its a shame your friend isn't making much effort but maybe your lives have gone in different directions. I remember my cousin saying to me once when she asked her friends how they were they'd reply about their kids not them. She said it was so frustrating. As a mother I have a habit of doing this, maybe she's bored of baby talk?

Why do people on here always have to start a pile on. Calling people needy and names is really low so give it a break @shakeitoffshakeacocktail

If I had spent all my time listening and helping a friend through her divorce I don't think it's too much to ask to at least call and see how your doing after having a baby. You know see how your coping with life just like the op did for her friend through her divorce. A random text in eight weeks is hardly the same.

OP ignore the rude comments on here. I understand it can be a very lonely time with a newborn and you honestly aren't being needy. Please either have it out with your friend or think about what you actually get out of this friendship and maybe it's time to find some new friends. Be kind to yourself.

OP, maybe you could let her know you miss her or something and are free on certain days and then reassess?

It is really hard when some people's lives centre on babies whilst others don't.

I see both sides really and I don't think there's a right or wrong, people just have different perspectives. Having children is a personal decision and sometimes people assume it's really exciting for everyone else too. But it just isn't. It's hard, yes, and that's why some people opt not to do it. The people who opt not to do it are unlikely to be the ones who know what you need and when. Maybe she's a friend for different situations.

I believe there isn't a single person who can give us all we need and people are best taken as they are. Expecting people to have different interests or versions of true friendship might alienate you from lovely people who enrich life.

You sound very demanding. You keep saying you want your friend to put more effort in to see your baby but you don't say you want to see her for her self.

I think a lot of childless people really have no clue how hard it is having a baby and don't realise how important it is to you to make an effort with them.

I agree with this. I think she's been very inconsiderate. I have child-free friends who were like this to me too. Fine, it's their prerogative - but it doesnt mean I have to like it, and I let the friendships fizzle out. Sad, but such is life.

@LalalalalalaLand123

Thank you. Feels good to know that I’m not the only one.

@standupsitdownturnaround

Thank you. I have a lot of friends that give me all different feels and needs, for example one of my friends is all about family, another is the best to go out for drinks with, another I’d message if I was having problems at work etc. I think this one just hurts more and I’m less understanding because we’ve always been best friends and have been through a lot together. Thank you though, lots of bits to digest from your response.

@Mousemay

Thank you for this, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with some of the responses ngl.

Appreciate your advice, lots of food for thought.

@Tiredmum100 I’m new to mumsnet I didn’t realise there was a AIBU section. (assuming thats abbrev of am I being unreasonable) Will head there next time.
Thanks for your response.

Being told I need to make more effort would really get my back up tbh. But then I do make a lot of effort with most friend's children because I love them.

The friends whose kids I don't really see are the ones that don't really make an effort with me or disappeared off the face of the earth when they gave birth.

How much effort do you make with her? Do you message and call?

A friend has recently had a son. It was a horrendous pregnancy and birth and because of that I waited until they were ready for me to visit. Not as soon as I had seen other friend's babies but I waited for them.

I really think that you have different ideas of how close this friendship is and how interested they are in your family.

I think a lot of childless people really have no clue how hard it is having a baby and don't realise how important it is to you to make an effort with them.

Absolutely this. Sounds like your friend is just not a baby person....

think a lot of childless people really have no clue how hard it is having a baby

I imagine plenty do know and that’s why they didn’t have any.

Not suggesting that’s the case here to though.

[quote RKid]@maddy68

So because something doesn’t interest you gives you the right to not make an effort?
My 90 year old next door neighbours stories about her time as a child in the war do not particularly interest me (especially when she tells me the same story over and over) but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to listen and have a conversation. It means a lot to her, so I’ll show her some respect.

Just because someone else’s interests don’t interest you, it doesn’t give you the right to disregard their interests. Otherwise that’s an incredibly selfish way to live life.[/quote]
You're projecting here. She is busy working and being single with little time. She probably isn't interested THAT MUCH in the baby , she can't help that. It isn't being selfish it just isn't her every thought
You are projecting how you think she should act. Where's the rule book? How should she act? Perhaps she doesn't realise? And I'm sure when she is with you she will listen and nod politely just the same as you do with your neighbour. You may have to face facts that when you have a baby the dynamics chance. You can't spontaneously go out for a drink. Or even worse you suggest you bring the baby along
Your relationship may well change dramatically or slightly but it will change

@BlueTouchPaper

*Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage gone, my post partum emotions are now more levelled, stitches are healed. Through the hard part I didn’t have my best friend supporting me*

Maybe just me, but that's a massive ask from a friend.
Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage it might be, for the parents.
The emotions and stitches are best shared with partner or Mum. I can't think of any of my close friends who were overly involved with my babies. They came, they looked, they went and waited until I had time to go do something fun with them. On my own.

Other people's babies are really boring.

100% that.

Before I had my kids, newborns were entirely boring to me. I certainly didn't see any appeal in the "Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage". Nor did I have a clue about how new mothers feel or that they might actually need some support from me. You seem to want her to have some kind of second sight, that she hasn't had the experience to understand.

You sound quite self centred, expecting her to feel what you feel, when her own life is very different.

I can't believe that you told her that she needed to make more effort with your other child. That made me wince.

As much as I think she could've been a little more attentive as your friend, I'll echo what other pop's have said about liking babies/children. I can't think of anything worse than having to go and force myself to fawn over another person's child. I like my own children but I don't really like anyone else's, I only tolerate them. It may be that she feels this way.

If you have accepted the role of Godparent,of course you should make more of an effort with that child.