Friend not visited newborn

[RKid]

I’ve been friends with my ‘best friend’ for a long time now. I had my first baby when I was 21 and so was content on settling down with life whilst she was single, still keen on partying, went uni etc and that was all good.
I made my friend my DD god mum however she made minimal effort with my DD but I know she cared about her a lot. We were in our early 20s and because she was at uni, I just shrugged it off. I did mention it a few times that she needs to make more effort for my DD who ADORES my friend and there was always an excuse so nothing really changed. It upset me but again because of our age it was something I just accepted. My friend moved away and got married so the little effort she made became even more normal due to distance. She didn’t come to my DD birthday parties or send Christmas presents etc but again I shrugged it off because she didn’t live locally.

Fast forward 10 years and my friend divorced her husband and moved back locally. I was there every step of the way through the divorce as I had been through the whole marriage.

She’s met a new guy now but still lives locally. Now I’ve had a DS who is 8wk old but she hasn’t met him yet and has only messaged me twice, 1 to say congrats and 2 last week to see when I’m free. I haven’t responded because I’ve been so upset at the lack of effort on her behalf and so looking for advice as to what I should do?

It’s not news that having a baby (especially the first part) can be pretty hard work and you do rely on friends at times for a bit of moral support.

Can I even say she is still a friend? What would you do??

It sounds to me like she just isn’t as bothered as you are about the friendship. Just because you were best friends 10+ years ago doesn’t mean that you still have lots of things in common. You are happy and content with your family life and she is living her life in a different way.

It sounds similar to what happened with my best friends from teenage/early 20s. I got married and moved away and at a similar time she also moved to a completely different area For a new job. We tried to keep in touch but she wasn’t interested in babies and I didn’t want to spend hours sitting in the pub on a Saturday afternoon. We both accepted we had grown apart and moved on.

Maybe I’m a cynic but it has been my experience that support tends to work in one direction and is seldom reciprocated where it is given.

Some people are takers - I don’t even mean this in a negative or critical way. Others can be givers to an extent that they don’t feel comfortable receiving or the vulnerability that goes with that.

Looking to a taker for support will drive you mad and hurt you. If you can accept that this is who your friend is and live with that you might salvage the relationship. And if you can’t, you can’t.

Where I live with Covid there was no way I wanted anyone asking to come round. Nothing to do with them not supporting me. Maybe she thought you'd be in a newborn bubble and wanted to bond as a family? I say this as presumably she does care about you and just didn't meet your expectations this time.

You’ve got expectations of her that you haven’t shared beyond ‘make more effort’

I understand you’re feeling like you need a show of support from those that love you… becuase I have had a baby!

She doesn’t

Stop being silently cross and playing head games about who called who when and said what

She doesn’t have to be involved in that part of your life if she doesn’t want to, you can accept that and have a friend for you or keep trying to force the auntie/godmother role on a unwilling victim

You can’t force people to be in your kids life

When mine were newborn it was the one time I didn't want my friends around. I was so tired, I was always feeding, I looked like shit, I was completely wrapped up in the baby. I seemed to go into another world. Sleep/feed/change nappy/ soothe screams. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I'd be awake between 1am and 4am and often dozing in the afternoon. The last thing I wanted was a visit. And ALL my friends were the same when they had theirs.
She's probably being considerate.

@maddy68

So because something doesn’t interest you gives you the right to not make an effort?
My 90 year old next door neighbours stories about her time as a child in the war do not particularly interest me (especially when she tells me the same story over and over) but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to listen and have a conversation. It means a lot to her, so I’ll show her some respect.

Just because someone else’s interests don’t interest you, it doesn’t give you the right to disregard their interests. Otherwise that’s an incredibly selfish way to live life.

You're punishing her for her perceived slights against you.

Sounds like you're expecting the 'best friend' relationship you had as teens whereas things happen, people grow up, get busy, have lives and can't live in each others pockets anymore.

What support did you want exactly? Maybe she isn't comfortable discussing stitches and Childbirth etc.

Once a month for contact when you have a brand new baby sounds fine to me.

It’s an unequal friendship and has been since you were 21.

You are not really compatible - you don’t meet each other’s expectations and needs.

You can lower your expectations and she might meet them and you retain a different friendship dynamic.

Or you can decide that this isn’t enough for you and confidently withdraw from the friendship.

Or you can try communicating your feelings and expectations with her and listen to how they align with her feelings and expectations and then see if you can meet in the middle.

“I did mention it a few times that she needs to make more effort for my DD who ADORES my friend and there was always an excuse so nothing really changed.”

Why did you tell someone repeatedly to make more effort with your DC?

Why is she obligated to do as you say?

How would you feel if someone dictated how often you saw someone?

@thelegohooverer

This! Thank you. I never actually thought of it in that way.

Many mothers with newborns don’t want visitors in the early weeks. Requests from friends for visits can be seen as rude and an imposition, not support.

Don’t assume your friend was being unsupportive. She may simply have been respectful of your recovery.

If I was your friend and you hadn't bothered replying to my text specifically asking when you are free, with the idea of paying you a visit, I would think that you weren't interested in seeing me. I hope you realise how YOU may be coming aross to HER with your silly game playing.

She asked when you were free - I don't understand why you didn't just organise something.

@CurlyhairedAssassin woah, she only text me like 4 days ago, I’m still trying to work out what to respond hence why I asked the Q.

Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage gone, my post partum emotions are now more levelled, stitches are healed.
Through the hard part I didn’t have my best friend supporting me

Maybe just me, but that's a massive ask from a friend.
Fresh and gorgeous newborn stage it might be, for the parents.
The emotions and stitches are best shared with partner or Mum. I can't think of any of my close friends who were overly involved with my babies. They came, they looked, they went and waited until I had time to go do something fun with them. On my own.

Other people's babies are really boring.

Perhaps despite feeling you know her well there are things you might not know about her. Maybe she has fertility issues or other things she’s working through from her past that make connecting with you about child-centred things a challenge.
If you are keen to keep up the connection I wonder whether there’s something else you could focus on when you do chat - whatever mutual interests/ideas made you friends in the first place. You can see how she responds and possibly whether it’s the godmother/babies/children part that is specifically difficult for her.

Speaking personally, I find friendships quite difficult. I often second guess what the other person is feeling or wants and beat myself up when I get it wrong. Maybe she is like this and is trying to be a friend but is afraid of getting it wrong, which makes her seem distant?

@Maryann1975 Thank you. There’s a great big group of us girls and we’ve all been friends since school so it is a sad thought about going our own way

[quote RKid]@CurlyhairedAssassin woah, she only text me like 4 days ago, I’m still trying to work out what to respond hence why I asked the Q.[/quote]
OP still not listening to comments and 4 days is quite a long time to not let someone know when you are free!

You are either reading too much into this or a needy personality

Do you expect your friend to be a mind reader? She doesn't have her own kids so no experience and didn't know you were having a hard time. But don't listen to us as you have taken offence. She doesn't get the baby thing and you haven't told her that you need her!

@ESGdance phrased that incorrectly. In the past I’ve asked her if she could make more effort with DD. Never once has she said no, or that she doesn’t want to, because if she did that’s a whole different convo isn’t it and I probably wouldn’t be here asking the initial Q

A lot of people are aware that too many visitors too soon after a baby's arrival can be overwhelming for the mum at a time when bonding with the baby and recovering are so important. 8 weeks is really not long and I'd say her messages are about right. I would gently say you are being over sensitive.

Ah this is very disappointing behaviour from your friend. I had a steady stream of visitors when my LG made her appearance. I was 5 days in hospital after a planned section and two or three people dropped in every day. I was feeling great so it was lovely.

That was pre covid. I'm guessing that hasn't impacted her thought process?

I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt. Most people take a "congratulations, let me know when you're ready for a visit" approach. It sounds like your friend is suiting herself.

I would probably respond and arrange a visit but I would let her know you would have liked to see her sooner.

I had a friend fallout with me as I didn't visit her child for months. I was living in the US and she was in the UK. I had tried to visit when I was home, staying in another city but the time didn't suit her. So I don't think you're being in anyway dramatic.

@ActonBell Thank you for this, it’s really helpful and lots of food for thought.

She could be suffering from infertility. Not everyone likes to share it with friends no matter how close you think you are. Believe me after going through years and years of infertility plus 5 miscarriages myself the last thing I want to do is sit there cooing over someone else's Baby or toddler

What did you reply to her original congratulations message? Did you, for example, say something like "Thanks. Can't wait for you to meet her. When do you think you'd be free to come over?!

I understand you're upset, but you have very specific expectations and you're being unreasonable to assume she can guess what those are without just telling her straight out. If someone said to me 'make more effort' ... does that mean text more? Ring more? Visit more? Buy more gifts? Interact more with the kids? Arrange to stay over? If you want something specific from her, you need to be clear what it is.

On the other hand, many people hate visitors so early on so she may be thinking she's helping by not disturbing your newborn stage.

My best friend of 35 years first met my DS when he was nearly 2! I don't resent her for it. It was absolutely worth the wait.