Son prefers dad :(

[bunny85]

Hi I've posted about this before and it's probably silly to be asking the same question again, but I don't know what I'm looking for, explanation, reassurance or solution...

So my youngest son who's now nearly 22 months prefers his dad to me. When my husband is at work things are ok, however he doesn't like me to kiss or cuddle him usually (except when I put him to nap/sleep). He almost never runs to me for a cuddle or kiss the way other children do. On the contrary the minute my husband comes through the door (and all day on weekends) he is literally glued to him. He hugs and kisses him and wants to be carried by him and (what makes me sad the most) only wants him to feed him, change his nappy etc. It's ridiculous, he would push me away if I sit next to him and say "No mama, go!" and stuff like that. When we go out as a family he only wants to hold hands with my husband. I know you will say it's a phase etc but it's been going on for a very long time! I'd say 9 months or so. Bit long for a phase?

My older son is nothing like this, so I just don't know how to react, I get very upset. How is it possible for a child to feel this way towards his own mother? I breastfed him for over a year, slept with him (still do), I care for him all day (he doesn't go to nursery, no nanny etc) only to be rejected by him. Luckily he's ok with me putting him to bed and in fact he asks for me and I co-sleep with him, during the day we read, play, go to park/play groups together and he is fine. But the minute my husband comes home I don't exist anymore, it feels like he just tolerates me because he knows he doesn't have a choice during the day, but on a weekend he doesn't want me.

Anyway sorry I'm rumbling, would love to hear if anyone else has been through the same and if/when it changed eventually. Thank you

Oh and I forgot to add, the worst thing is when he hurts himself and starts crying he pushes me away and runs to his dad for comfort...😔

Sorry to hear that, sounds like a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder, you are so reliably present he takes you for granted!

You are the safe place. You are the constant, reliable parent. He knows you will always be there to meet his needs. So you get treated like furniture. Sorry, I know it's frustrating, I've got one exactly the same. DH stays away one night a week and she won't sleep for me
It's frustrating and depressing but it's reflective of you being a great mum.

Thank you both, yes I've been trying to convince myself with the same explanation, but I can't help but wonder how come then that most of the children his age are actually attached to the main parent so to speak, the one who's always and reliably present and always there to meet their needs. Well my older son was like this as are 99% (I dare say 100%!) of our friends kids... I just can't figure it out.

Nothing works, it's the same and now he's asking for dad to put him to bed and is pushing me away. Please can anyone share if someone has been through similar as it's literally unbearable ...

Is your husband doing anything to help change his behaviour?

He would say sometimes things like "daddy is tired and can't put you to bed, mummy will do it, she's nice, she loves you" etc and sometimes he's ok when I put him to bed but often asks for my husband. I keep blaming myself as this behaviour started after I stopped BF and co-sleeping with him when he was 14 months and my DH took over putting him to bed. For some reason it coincided with this preference towards hun or possibly it wasn't a coincidence. Now he turned into a total daddy's boy and it's breaking my heart.

*towards him

Oh op I understand why this would make you sad! BUT as pps have said I think this is maybe him trying to cling to your DH because he’s more absent than you- you are already safe but perhaps the fact DH is absent more makes your son try and cling to him when he is there?? Your DH could definitely try and help you maybe. I wonder if your son & DH spent a big chunk of time together without you present; if your son would come running to you afterwards.. I suspect so! Obviously your emotional connection to him means it’s heartbreaking for you, but remember your little boy has zero logic or understanding of this and I think it’s a reflection of the brilliant stability you offer him; perhaps a big contrast to your DH in your son’s eyes & maybe he’s trying to keep dad close as he fears he’s not there that much. Could there be any truth in that? Xo

He doesn't prefer his dad, he feels secure in your love so knows he can be an arse and you will still be there.

Also wondered if he did some nursery do you think he would still be the same towards you? I do wonder if you are such a constant for him perhaps you’re a bit invisible! I strongly suspect after a day at nursery or away from you that he would be very happy to see you at the end xxx

I reckon time away from him would help. Either nursery or you take yourself out for something lovely for yourself and see if there's any difference when you come back. He's just used to you 'being there'. And dad is a novelty.

Thank you all, it brought tears to my eyes reading your replies. To answer some questions, just a couple of days ago I had to go away on my own as had an appointment quite far away, so altogether I must have been absent for about 4.5 hours and when I came in... he didn't run to hug or kiss me... I thought he would... When it's just us we do have a good time and he asks to be carried around etc but almost never would come for a hug/kiss specifically. With my husband though, he's glued to him the minute he comes through the door.

As for nursery again I don't know, he's never been away from me for long with anyone but my husband, he's meant to start nursery next spring but I'm having a wobble about that too. I wonder if he would cry for me and think I'd left him and that would be the final nail and our bond will be doomed from then on...

Gosh I've never felt these emotions before, I didn't think it's even possible to be rejected by your own child

I think it doesn’t happen to everyone because some fathers do fuck all parenting.
What’s helped us is the current preferred parent (both kids have been back and forth) says nice things about the other, e.g. what a nice dinner mummy has made for you, aren’t you lucky that mummy took you to the park.
If your elder son consistently prefers you the younger might just be trying to get a parent to himself.

@CherryRedDMs

I think it doesn’t happen to everyone because some fathers do fuck all parenting. What’s helped us is the current preferred parent (both kids have been back and forth) says nice things about the other, e.g. what a nice dinner mummy has made for you, aren’t you lucky that mummy took you to the park. If your elder son consistently prefers you the younger might just be trying to get a parent to himself.

Yes my husband is a very involved parent whenever he's at home. He gets up at night, does the bath and bedtime and obviously playing and nappies and everything pretty much. Thing is he genuinely doesn't see it as a chore and enjoys whatever little time he gets to spend with them (he works 6 days a week) so maybe that's the reason.

I wouldn't say that my older son has a strong preference towards me, I feel like he loves us both equally, however he is a bit closer to me on emotional level. Overall it's probably 60/40 something like that

I don’t think 4.5 hours is enough of a break! That’s hardly any time at all. He’s not rejecting you although I know that’s how you feel - dads just a novelty whereas you are always there. For him it’s not acceptance or rejection, just a novelty that’s all. Even without this phase he may still cry for you at nursery- most kids do a bit so I’d try not to see that as related to this. I think him being independent from you more would change a lot of this & I agree with the idea you are total stability and therefore he doesn’t need to notice you are present because it’s a given xox

My advice is to not air your concerns to him.

I was this child, absolutely a daddy’s girl, loved spending time with him, we just clicked.

My mum made it into a big deal and would say things like ‘you always prefer your dad’ ‘why can’t you be affectionate like other kids’ and it came a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

We’re not that close now (sorry, it’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but I’d say do a bit of love bombing :) )

@sjxoxo

I don’t think 4.5 hours is enough of a break! That’s hardly any time at all. He’s not rejecting you although I know that’s how you feel - dads just a novelty whereas you are always there. For him it’s not acceptance or rejection, just a novelty that’s all. Even without this phase he may still cry for you at nursery- most kids do a bit so I’d try not to see that as related to this. I think him being independent from you more would change a lot of this & I agree with the idea you are total stability and therefore he doesn’t need to notice you are present because it’s a given xox

That's just what my DH said, he said that for our son it probably seemed like I popped out to the shop...

I keep thinking I should have continued with BF for longer at least during day time and this situation would never happen...I'm just so so incredibly sad and every day I promise myself not to make it obvious and I fail again 😔. I just feel like total failure of a mother... (I haven't been perfect at parenting despite all the books and parenting classes 😔)

@Mushrooms0up

My advice is to not air your concerns to him.

I was this child, absolutely a daddy’s girl, loved spending time with him, we just clicked.

My mum made it into a big deal and would say things like ‘you always prefer your dad’ ‘why can’t you be affectionate like other kids’ and it came a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

We’re not that close now (sorry, it’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but I’d say do a bit of love bombing :) )

I do a lot of love bombing of my children, trust me! I kiss and hug them all the time, play and read books and take them to places... I adore them, they are my world. It's very difficult not to make it obvious, and I really fear not being close to my children, I don't know what I'm doing wrong 😔😔😔

You will be absolutely fine I’m sure! :) do you have your own interests / things you do without the kids?

I think this can make you seem a bit more mysterious / exciting so that can help too, it removes some of the comfort blanket factor

This was my situation too. Dad also very hands on but DC was glued to him as soon as he came home from work, at weekends etc. DC also rejected me. It was heartbreaking and even my parents remarked on it, which was really upsetting. This started around 9 months old and lasted until DC was about 3. It is not an issue at all now, I don't feel like there are any favourites. Just wanted to reassure you that it can and probably will pass. I just had to try to relax and not stress and it really is all fine now. But totally understand where you're coming from - it's hard x

My 15 month old son was like this for a long time, where he preferred my husband to me.

It really hurt my feelings, so I know where you are coming from.

I actually was the opposite to you as I thought my son hated me for not spending enough time with him (had to put him with a childminder full time when he was 9 months old).

Anyway my son has changed now, he's very close to me again and it makes me very happy ❤️

I'm sure your son is just going through a phase and I second what others are saying on this thread: your husband is like a VIP to him because he doesn't see him as much as he sees you.

One of mine was like this from the start and now she is in high school she hasn't changed a bit. It's all about her dad. I can only advise you try to stop the 'poor me' thoughts and be happy they share a good relationship and your child is secure - feeling sorry for yourself isn't necessary.

@Secretroses

This was my situation too. Dad also very hands on but DC was glued to him as soon as he came home from work, at weekends etc. DC also rejected me. It was heartbreaking and even my parents remarked on it, which was really upsetting. This started around 9 months old and lasted until DC was about 3. It is not an issue at all now, I don't feel like there are any favourites. Just wanted to reassure you that it can and probably will pass. I just had to try to relax and not stress and it really is all fine now. But totally understand where you're coming from - it's hard x

Oh thank you so much for this, I really wanted to hear from someone who's been through similar. Funnily, my parents also comment on that, especially my dad! According to him this is very shocking and borderline abnormal, in fact his words keep playing in my ear. I will have to try my absolutely hardest to not make it into a big deal and laugh it off. Fingers crossed he'll come out of it just like your little one!

Would you be upset if your youngest showed a preference for you over your husband?

It's just one of those things and I'm sure it'll change. I was in the same boat, it struck home when one of the girls fell in the park and ran past me to her dad to be comforted. Their allegiance will change back and forth depending on what's going on, just console yourself just now that he still loves his mum and in a little while it'll be his mum he runs to.