Son prefers dad :(

[bunny85]

Hi I've posted about this before and it's probably silly to be asking the same question again, but I don't know what I'm looking for, explanation, reassurance or solution...

So my youngest son who's now nearly 22 months prefers his dad to me. When my husband is at work things are ok, however he doesn't like me to kiss or cuddle him usually (except when I put him to nap/sleep). He almost never runs to me for a cuddle or kiss the way other children do. On the contrary the minute my husband comes through the door (and all day on weekends) he is literally glued to him. He hugs and kisses him and wants to be carried by him and (what makes me sad the most) only wants him to feed him, change his nappy etc. It's ridiculous, he would push me away if I sit next to him and say "No mama, go!" and stuff like that. When we go out as a family he only wants to hold hands with my husband. I know you will say it's a phase etc but it's been going on for a very long time! I'd say 9 months or so. Bit long for a phase?

My older son is nothing like this, so I just don't know how to react, I get very upset. How is it possible for a child to feel this way towards his own mother? I breastfed him for over a year, slept with him (still do), I care for him all day (he doesn't go to nursery, no nanny etc) only to be rejected by him. Luckily he's ok with me putting him to bed and in fact he asks for me and I co-sleep with him, during the day we read, play, go to park/play groups together and he is fine. But the minute my husband comes home I don't exist anymore, it feels like he just tolerates me because he knows he doesn't have a choice during the day, but on a weekend he doesn't want me.

Anyway sorry I'm rumbling, would love to hear if anyone else has been through the same and if/when it changed eventually. Thank you

@twinguilt you know what these are my thoughts exactly too- I struggled so much when he was younger, he didn't sleep at all, was up every 30-40 mins for a YEAR and this is when the first lockdown and homeschooling etc happened and I struggled so massively and had so many mental breakdowns and regret some of the things with all my heart. There were instances I used to shout at the baby when he'd be up all night or wouldn't go down for nap and had to leave the room and I felt I couldn't be around him etc. This was after no sleep for months and months, I think I lost my mind back then for a while. I was teary, snappy, shouty at the children. I wonder now if this is what he remembers and this is why he doesn't want me now... God knows. I've turned this all around now, had a few sessions with a therapist, stopped BF and sleep at night now so I'm back to myself. Sometimes I see it as a little warning bell from up above saying "this bond is not a given and can't be neglected" so this is what made me pull myself together now. I don't know if there's any correlation here at all or not as this was going on for a little while when he was a baby and I was struggling. I don't know now and we'll never know, best thing we can do now is try and learn from those mistakes, I'm definitely much softer with my older DS too now and pick my battles when it comes to tidy ups etc. I don't want him to remember me as nagging, moody and strict mum. Better have a messy house but a warm relationship with your kids...

Wish you all the best!

NRTFT

Don’t take it personally. My 2nd DD is the same. Even as a baby she would only ever settle for my DH. She is very much all about Daddy, she calls out for him when she’s sick, would choose him over me any day. She tells me she’s a daddy’s girl, one day she told me if we ever split up she wants to live with daddy (her friends were talking at school as one of her friends parents were going through a divorce) she was 6 at the time. It’s just the way it is. Also she was the only one of my DCs who was breast fed so you would assume she’d want me more as a baby, but she didn’t.

It dose not mean she dose not love me.

Just please don’t resent your child for this. I grew up with a mother who resented me for some reason, possibly I preferred my dad as a baby, I don’t know, all I know is it never did anything to improve of relationship.

it's really a mystery to me why children behave in this way as in my mind a bond between a mother and a child is a given, is above any other bonds out there (sorry dads!) and quite unique. This is what I always thought and this is the reason I had no problem whatsoever asking DH to take over co-sleeping with my youngest when I stopped BF. Little did I know it would create this bond between them (may have happened anyway, that we'll never know, but I think it's too much of a coincidence) that would threaten our own bond in a way! I do blame myself now for allowing this to happen and like you am trying to find ways to redeem myself.

As someone who has been in this exact situation (see above), and understand that its hard, I find it very sad that you regret allowing your husband to develop such a close bond, because of your jealousy.

Mums don't necessarily get to be closer to their children just by virtue of us being their mother. Maybe in a very traditional set up, where dads barely spent time with their children, but where its more equal, I think its neither a given, nor to be expected. Sharing the childcare, the night wakes, the drudgery, meals we also more share their love.

Things are likely to even up as they get older, but please don't regret giving your husband the opportunity to parent.

Can you imagine if a dad came on here and said, for example, that he regretted his wife breastfeeding, or regretted encouraging her to go part time, because now the child prefers her. The advice would be that he shouldn't be jealous, and should carve out his own relationship with the child.

Don't think I haven't secretly cried, when my child said she only loved daddy. I have. But I never for a second regretted their closeness - I just wished I could have the same.

@Moonbabysmum

it's really a mystery to me why children behave in this way as in my mind a bond between a mother and a child is a given, is above any other bonds out there (sorry dads!) and quite unique. This is what I always thought and this is the reason I had no problem whatsoever asking DH to take over co-sleeping with my youngest when I stopped BF. Little did I know it would create this bond between them (may have happened anyway, that we'll never know, but I think it's too much of a coincidence) that would threaten our own bond in a way! I do blame myself now for allowing this to happen and like you am trying to find ways to redeem myself.

As someone who has been in this exact situation (see above), and understand that its hard, I find it very sad that you regret allowing your husband to develop such a close bond, because of your jealousy.

Mums don't necessarily get to be closer to their children just by virtue of us being their mother. Maybe in a very traditional set up, where dads barely spent time with their children, but where its more equal, I think its neither a given, nor to be expected. Sharing the childcare, the night wakes, the drudgery, meals we also more share their love.

Things are likely to even up as they get older, but please don't regret giving your husband the opportunity to parent.

Can you imagine if a dad came on here and said, for example, that he regretted his wife breastfeeding, or regretted encouraging her to go part time, because now the child prefers her. The advice would be that he shouldn't be jealous, and should carve out his own relationship with the child.

Don't think I haven't secretly cried, when my child said she only loved daddy. I have. But I never for a second regretted their closeness - I just wished I could have the same.

@Moonbabysmum I see where you're coming from but my personal view still would be a little different and I must say I do disagree with the above. I think irrespective of a parenting set up and involvement, traditional or otherwise, mothers DO get to be closer to their children precisely by virtue of being the mothers. Pregnancy in itself is something that creates a unique bond which men could never achieve, by nature, no amount of parenting responsibilities can ever overcome that. Then giving birth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights (again men can and should get involved but only to a certain extent- they can't possibly breastfeed so could only assist with nappies, rocking etc).

I can't say I'm not happy about their bond, certainly that's not true. What I'm trying to say, I'm not happy for them to have a bond at the expense of MY bond with my child. I have no problem with him loving his father and vice verse provided he doesn't reject me. It's this bit I'm struggling with. When he pushes me away or runs to my husband for comfort when hurt (for some reason this is the worst bit) or wants him at night (also the worst). I'd like it to be equal, fair. As it stands after all what a mother unconditionally does for her baby, this is quite frankly unfair.

It’s just a phase, honestly.

Please don’t let it upset you

@Moonbabysmum also, this of this. When a father leaves his child (unfortunately happens quite often and MUCH more often then with mothers) it's undoubtedly a shock and loss and grief for a child but imagine a situation when a mother leaves. Firstly, it hardly happens (not to say it doesn't, but certainly much less often), secondly I'm absolutely positive that a shock and trauma for a child in this case would be 10 times worse. It's unexplainable but that's what I see. I know of a few families where fathers left and single mothers are raising their children. Happens sadly too often but nothing extraordinary. When a mother leaves her child, this is completely, utterly different situation. It's almost unimaginable.

*think of this, was meant to say. Sorry about the typos

Meh, mums and dads, if they both put the work in, can be equally valuable and equally loved IMO. Certainly if my children were left without a father it would affect them as badly as if they were without me. It's because of the low standards we could fathers to, that many barely notice their absence. For a fully involved father, it's quite different.

Being pregnant with a child doesn't automatically give you a better bond - it might in the early weeks and months, but if you think the biological connection will automatically carry you through, well, I think the experiences of you and me, and others on this thread show that's not necessarily true. And maybe that's not fair, given the physical sacrifices we've made, but nature doesn't really care about fairness.

It will sort itself out in the future, but until then, please try to see the relationship your children have with their father as a beautiful thing, rather than something to be jealous of.

Honestly this does sound like a really tough time for you and it's surely a very common reaction from you, but honestly your child is not rejecting you and you can't legitimately control what they do or their relationship with other people.
The problem is entirely with the feelings that your child's behaviour causes in you, triggering further feelings which are causing all these problems.
I'm not sure what the solution is but honestly there is nothing wrong with your child or partner from what you said, in fact it all seems very healthy and normal.
Perhaps if you like reading you could read books such as "The book you wish your parents had read" or"calm parents, happy kids"
You could even talk to your health visitor if you prefer that way as they will have seen this so many times before
Good luck and take care.

My daughter is exactly the same. Spend the time with me happily, playing with me, asking to be carried, etc but as soon as dad is here then nothing to do with me except bedtime. When she will just want me again and no one else. When dad is here on weekend just runs to him to show things or if she is hurt and he is there and first him always. It does hurt a lot ... he is very involved parent and just does things with her naturally. When I read your post @bunny85 I thought it was someone writing for me! No advice but I just feel maybe it is because she is secure in my love that she behaves this way.

Hey @bunny85 Just been reading your post and was wondering if things had changed at all? I'm experiencing the same thing (and DD doesn't even want me to put her to bed sometimes) and finding it very hard : (

I had a similar thing with my eldest dd starting around the time she was one (not long after I went back to work so I linked the two in my head). It lasted for ages and I was very upset by it at the time as it didn’t feel right to have a child that didn’t want their mum, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Then my second child was very much “my” baby and then over time (I can’t remember how long now) my eldest liked us both equally again.
shes nine now and I’ll be the one she tells her secret worries too although she still has a close bond with her dad. We joke now about when she was a baby and would push me out of the way to get to daddy 😂
its horrible but it was just a (very long) phase in the end.

Hi, yes! Things have changed so much that in fact as I read my post now it seems like it almost never happened, and my mind must have pretty much erased this unpleasant experience 😂. Basically, he didn't just change, he made a complete U turn! It's ONLY mummy now 😉. Daytime, nighttime, anytime! He's less dramatic about it but sometimes would still push my husband away and scream for me, especially at night. Daytime he is pretty much happy with either of us, but at night he wants me 99% of the time. He said to me the other day that his best friend is mummy and his brother's best friend is daddy. (Not true by the way as I'm very close to my oldest son).

So please don't worry. I look back now at how many sleepless nights I spent crying my eyes out, how much money I spent on going to therapists trying to figure out why my son was rejecting me😅. It all worked out just fine. I guess it was some weird phase in his development or something. Wishing you all the best. Of course your daughter loves you, I have no doubt about it! X

Hi @bunny85 thanks so much for replying. Your post has really cheered me up and filled me with hope! I'm so pleased to hear things changed for you and it's definitely reminded me to keep things in perspective, as things will probably be very different in a year or two. Thanks again : )

You're very welcome. I remembered it now how much I suffered over it, it was awful. I thought my child didn't want me, didn't love me, there would never be a bond. Mind you in my case it started right after I stopped breastfeeding so I blamed myself for it so much.

All the best to your family and have a lovely Christmas 🎄 x

Wow, your update really cheered me up! I’m going through this right now with my 21-month-old boy. I keep thinking he prefers dad because I’m boring and dad is fun. Maybe there’s hope, though?

Of course there's hope. My son is nearly 4 now and he says that he loves me every day, always comes for cuddles and although still adores his dad, would prefer me if faced with a choice 😂.