Son prefers dad :(

[bunny85]

Hi I've posted about this before and it's probably silly to be asking the same question again, but I don't know what I'm looking for, explanation, reassurance or solution...

So my youngest son who's now nearly 22 months prefers his dad to me. When my husband is at work things are ok, however he doesn't like me to kiss or cuddle him usually (except when I put him to nap/sleep). He almost never runs to me for a cuddle or kiss the way other children do. On the contrary the minute my husband comes through the door (and all day on weekends) he is literally glued to him. He hugs and kisses him and wants to be carried by him and (what makes me sad the most) only wants him to feed him, change his nappy etc. It's ridiculous, he would push me away if I sit next to him and say "No mama, go!" and stuff like that. When we go out as a family he only wants to hold hands with my husband. I know you will say it's a phase etc but it's been going on for a very long time! I'd say 9 months or so. Bit long for a phase?

My older son is nothing like this, so I just don't know how to react, I get very upset. How is it possible for a child to feel this way towards his own mother? I breastfed him for over a year, slept with him (still do), I care for him all day (he doesn't go to nursery, no nanny etc) only to be rejected by him. Luckily he's ok with me putting him to bed and in fact he asks for me and I co-sleep with him, during the day we read, play, go to park/play groups together and he is fine. But the minute my husband comes home I don't exist anymore, it feels like he just tolerates me because he knows he doesn't have a choice during the day, but on a weekend he doesn't want me.

Anyway sorry I'm rumbling, would love to hear if anyone else has been through the same and if/when it changed eventually. Thank you

@BigFatLiar

Would you be upset if your youngest showed a preference for you over your husband?

It's just one of those things and I'm sure it'll change. I was in the same boat, it struck home when one of the girls fell in the park and ran past me to her dad to be comforted. Their allegiance will change back and forth depending on what's going on, just console yourself just now that he still loves his mum and in a little while it'll be his mum he runs to.

Would I be upset? Of course not, I'd be over the moon, why would I be upset, that's exactly what I want- at the moment it's the opposite...

It'll probably change with time. Meanwhile try to be pleased with the good relationship your OH has with your son.

I do think this is quite common.

The only thing I would say is it becomes a cycle, they prefer a parent, they opt to spend more time with them, the bond deepens with the favoured parent and less with the other.. and on and on

So hard though it is, I think you and your husband should start agreeing on a line on this so it gradually moves back to 50/50, simply because it’s not good to let toddlers rule the roost like this

Try not to agonise - it could easily switch later on

Our middle child is like this, total daddy's girl. The others are far more affectionately prefer me usually. She pushes me out of the way to get to daddy, always wants to hold his hand when we are out etc.
I would get (more?) upset except I was the same, a total daddy's girl... yet still loved my mum and by teenage years if I'm honest, wanted her more most of the time
Your lb loves you x x

It sounds normal for your son to behave like this

I’m a little worried by your reaction to it - he really isn’t rejecting you.
Learn a little more about child developmental stages.
Also maybe look to see what it is you need.
It sounds as though you have a huge amount of your son’s time. How lovely that he wants to see and love is dad too.
Does your husband also cosleep?

Also wanting to carry or having a 22 mth old want to be carried was not a situation I ever had.
They were up at walking fully at latest 11 mths and the carrying around thing was only a v rare scenario

I think you need to separate your needs from your child’s needs and maybe get some therapy for yours
I mean this with kind intent

You’re coming across as extremely needy. Why do you need him to prefer you? Be happy he has such a great relationship with his Dad.

Perhaps a parenting course or therapy would be helpful.

@RonaldMcDonald

Also wanting to carry or having a 22 mth old want to be carried was not a situation I ever had. They were up at walking fully at latest 11 mths and the carrying around thing was only a v rare scenario

I think you need to separate your needs from your child’s needs and maybe get some therapy for yours
I mean this with kind intent

Oh sorry this was not very clear, he's been walking from 12 months old and now running too. What I meant by carrying is this: my DH comes home and takes him into his arms, starts some silly games first (throwing him up in the air, riding on his back), then he asks to play with all the light switches, open the fridge, see what's inside, see what's on the shelves etc. Then my husband sits down to have dinner and he wants to sit on his lap etc. So this is what I meant by "carrying", basically he just wants to be held

@RonaldMcDonald

It sounds normal for your son to behave like this

I’m a little worried by your reaction to it - he really isn’t rejecting you.
Learn a little more about child developmental stages.
Also maybe look to see what it is you need.
It sounds as though you have a huge amount of your son’s time. How lovely that he wants to see and love is dad too.
Does your husband also cosleep?

Yes he does co-sleep with him sometimes (usually me, but sometimes ds asks for him). We are looking to put both children in the same room now so we can start sleeping in the same bed again too.

My eldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, my youngest is a mummy’s girl and the middle kid doesn’t seem to have a favourite. I can see how it would be hard if you don’t have a kid evening it out by swinging the opposite way. I can’t really explain it. I do think the daughter who prefers her father is more like me and the one who prefers me is more like her father - I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.

What I do know is that actually they both love both of us and to soak up those moments where they do give us affection. I even once took a photo of our mummy’s girl playing with her dad looking at him adoringly - just to remind him when she yells “I want Mummy” that she does adore him too.

Should add, our middle kid, who doesn’t have a favourite is a different personality type to both of us, and also has an extremely affectionate personality generally

My son is exactly the same at first it was a little upsetting but then realised that it has its upsides such as being able to do more stuff and get the occasional lie in as he only wants daddy to get him dressed.

I would say even though my DH is the favourite if I go out etc then he does then ask where I am or when I will be back (he's nearly 3).
I personally see it as a good thing that he has such a fantastic bond with my DH and it gives me a bit of a break especially with bedtime which can be a nightmare.
Oh and I BF til 22 months it didn't make a difference!

My daughter is like this. She's 20 months and it's always been about daddy.
We both work full time so do shared childcare - we each take days off to cover the other working. The only difference is that I mainly work from home and my DP works long shifts so she still sees me several times a day when I'm working.

Her first word in a morning is always 'daddy' and she's so disappointed when I say he's at work. She asks for him constantly during the day and refuses to let me do anything for her. She ends up having a meltdown if daddy isn't the one to try to put her mittens on for example. Even we her dad tells her off, it's me she gets angry with and will go back to him for a cuddle and kiss while pointing at me and getting upset as if it's me that told her off.

The only sign that she doesn't hate me is the jealousy when my DP tries to cuddle me. She gets very angry about it and actually punched him on the leg yesterday.

@PissedOffNeighbour22

My daughter is like this. She's 20 months and it's always been about daddy. We both work full time so do shared childcare - we each take days off to cover the other working. The only difference is that I mainly work from home and my DP works long shifts so she still sees me several times a day when I'm working.

Her first word in a morning is always 'daddy' and she's so disappointed when I say he's at work. She asks for him constantly during the day and refuses to let me do anything for her. She ends up having a meltdown if daddy isn't the one to try to put her mittens on for example. Even we her dad tells her off, it's me she gets angry with and will go back to him for a cuddle and kiss while pointing at me and getting upset as if it's me that told her off.

The only sign that she doesn't hate me is the jealousy when my DP tries to cuddle me. She gets very angry about it and actually punched him on the leg yesterday.

How is she with you when it's just the two of you? Does she cuddle you?

I keep thinking I should have continued with ...

It's very easy to fall into this way of thinking. I encourage you to avoid this trap as PP has mentioned, do read up in child development.

You will learn that this is a perfectly normal stage and is a testament to your brilliant parenting. Your DC is absolutely secure in your love and is exploring the world from that base, you have given a brilliant start in life.

Would you really prefer an anxious child who was afraid to let you out of their sight?

I was that secure child who went through long phases of taking her mother for granted.... It was only in the last few months of her life back in 2019 that I ever had any inkling that my mother had found these phases when I didn't seem to care for her a bit difficult. I love her dearly and am even tearing up a bit now, thinking of how much I love her and miss her.

Hope you get to understand this for yourself.

My eldest was exactly the same - her dad does a lot of the parenting, was around most of the time, and they have an amazingly close bond. She'd run to him when hurt, cry when I did bed, and went through a stage of literally telling me that she loves daddy and doesnt love me. He would always reinforce that we love mummy, try to encourage our relationship etc, but it was clear - she preferred daddy.

It was really hard at times. But then I realised that I wasn't being fair, expecting her bond with me to be closer just because I'm mum, when actually we parent equally.

Over time, things evened up. Now (4) she gets into our bed and cuddles up with either of us, she tells me she loves me, and we are back to being roughly equal. She still prefers daddy after a nightmare or when really poorly, but then again, my youngest prefers me in those situations.

The situation we found ourselves happens in most families - it's just usually the mum that the child runs to. You clearly don't mind the idea of it being in your favour, in fact you said you'd be 'over the moon', though that would mean putting your husband in the same position that you are in - which you find very hard.

Toddlers often find it difficult to express love for more than one person, they are very single minded. He does love you, he just can't express that he loves more than one person right now
As he grows up, he will be able to express his love for both of you more evenly.

@FinallyHere I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I know what you mean about taking your mum for granted- I know I do that to my mum too, you're right it comes from a place of total security. I'm sure your mum knew how much you loved her.

Someone said to me having a mum is a bit like having say a hand- it's a part of you and you take it for granted and it doesn't really occur to us to feel thankful we have arms and legs for instance, when really we should be.

Thank you for all the wise words. I'll be reading and re reading this thread when I start feeling particularly down...

I have this and I totally relate to your feelings about it - it's utterly depressing at times. I think for me it's down to the feeling that I'm fairly surplus to requirements as far as my DS is concerned. I have an older DC who is v loving to both of us and always has been, and I have B/G twins who are 2. Girl twin is mostly even with us, but has a bit of a preference for DH, but not overwhelming. Boy twins is like your DS - only wants daddy and if daddy is around at night for example then he will literally cry and cry for AGES even if I'm in the room trying to cuddle him, until daddy comes.
I've tried to tell myself it's cause of secure bond etc, but to be honest I think it's the opposite for us. My DH is extremely hands on and wonderful with them - if any criticism it's that's he's too soft and so I'm always the one telling them to stop xyz or the one who chivvys them along to get dressed etc. He works from home so he's here, they don't have the absence makes the heart grow fonder etc. I think it's basically down to me being crap at managing with the twins when they were younger (I struggled with lockdown massively, there were lots of tears from me when trying to homeschool my eldest with the twins at home) and so daddy has had to be the steady calm constant and he still is clearly. I wish I knew how to redeem myself and it does make me v sad at times. If I didn't have my eldest being so loving i'd struggle even more. I don't know the answer, but I know I need to try not to let it get to me. On the plus side, when daddy isn't here DS is v cuddly and loving to me, but that's not v often as daddy is WFH - I actually think that we might have to get DH to hot desk somewhere as some days are so exhausting when DS just whines for daddy until he comes out the office...

Hii

Been there🥲

I would hate this too so you have my sympathy. I think it would be worth trying to spend some time apart from him. Are you in a position to send him to nursery a couple of times a week? My ds is 2.5 and goes 2 afternoons a week. He loves it and is always so happy to see me when I pick him up.

I'm sure this won't last forever. Just keep loving him and don't make an issue of it.

I get that this is upsetting bit I think you are letting it affect you far too much. It's not like he's crying all day for his dad. I would also bet you are trying way to hard to get him to like you best. You may not realise you are doing it, but you will be and he will be playing off that.

I really feel for you as I am in the same situation with 5 year old DS and it is now starting with 2 year old DD.

DH and are I are very, very equal parents - we alternate EVERYTHING (getting up in the morning, sitting next to each child, doing bath time, stories / bed time etc) and we both work full time so there is no difference in the amount of time that our children spend with each of us.

Nevertheless, DS has always preferred DH and has gone through phases in which he has not just chosen DH but actively told me that he hates me / doesn't love me / doesn't want me to do anything with him. He cries or shouts at me if I go through to him at night, he cries or shouts at me if it is my turn to read stories to him, and he pretty much always goes to DH for comfort. It is really really horrible - I think it is really difficult to understand unless you have been in this situation. DD is starting to do it now too - she only wants to hold daddy's hand when we are out and about, she only wants daddy to help her put her pyjamas on etc.

The only hope I can give is that DS got a bit better after he was 4 - he still prefers DH and he still rejects me / tells me that he hates me regularly, but he does now sometimes actually want to do things with me and sometimes tells me that he loves me. He first told me that he loved me about 18 months ago and it was amazing - but that made me sad as well because he had been telling DH how much he loved him pretty much as soon as he was able to put the words together

@Thatsplentyjack

I get that this is upsetting bit I think you are letting it affect you far too much. It's not like he's crying all day for his dad. I would also bet you are trying way to hard to get him to like you best. You may not realise you are doing it, but you will be and he will be playing off that.

This is spot on. I think I'm sending this vibes that I'm desperate for his affection and he senses that and frets even more

@MrsD28 oh this sounds very difficult indeed. I think in a way your DD is now trying to copy the behaviour of her older brother and that only reinforces everything in return. I'm so happy to hear your DS is getting better, it's really a mystery to me why children behave in this way as in my mind a bond between a mother and a child is a given, is above any other bonds out there (sorry dads!) and quite unique. This is what I always thought and this is the reason I had no problem whatsoever asking DH to take over co-sleeping with my youngest when I stopped BF. Little did I know it would create this bond between them (may have happened anyway, that we'll never know, but I think it's too much of a coincidence) that would threaten our own bond in a way! I do blame myself now for allowing this to happen and like you am trying to find ways to redeem myself.

I wish you from my heart that this improves for you and your children will tell and show how much they love you every day! Sending hugs.