The truth on breastfeeding ; why I won’t breastfeed again

[blueberrybabe]

Does anyone find it annoying how the benefits of breastfeeding is shoved down your throat yet there is no guidance on weaning or other difficulties breastfeeding mums face . Majority of advice I’ve seen on those who were able to night wean had partners take over . Some of us are not so fortunate. I am struggling and I’m annoyed that I continued breastfeeding . I tried to stop at around 8 months but the health visitor told me there is no point as by 12 months my son would only be nursing twice a day maybe 3 times and wouldn’t be nursing at night . What a load of bull ! I’m realising that I shouldn’t have forced myself to breastfeed longer than I wanted to and was able to . Breastfeeding is for the mums who have supportive partners or family nearby to support them all the way from the cluster feeding stages to the weaning stages . I won’t be breastfeeding again in future .

I understand OP and I think your experience is pretty universal among women who exclusively breastfeed. I'm in an unusual group of friends, perhaps around 25 women most on baby number 2, who have mainly exclusively breastfed and the vast majority have had babies who feed extensively through the night until either well past age 1 or they are sleep trained. I don't know a single breastfed baby who has consistently slept through from early days (e.g. 4 months) like many bottle fed babies do. All my babies wanted at night was a feed - rocking, stroking etc made absolutely no difference to get them to sleep so it was all on me. I don't regret beast feeding but I do think the rates are so low* that the realities of it are basically kept a secret!

*I do think the 24% at 6 weeks quoted above is misleading though as it discounts babies who have had any formula at all. I exclusively breastfed one of mine to 6 months but she had one bottle of formula when she was newborn and not putting on weight. According to stats she wouldn't count as breastfed which is garbage. Also there's been no study in England & Wales for over 10 years. Recent research in Scotland shows rates have increased a lot in that time.

So the problem isn't the breastfeeding. It's the useless partner.

By the way, DS2 didn't sleep through the night until he was 7, and weaning him (at 3) was a nightmare. He didn't stop sleeping in my bed until he was 9. I wouldn't change any of that for the world though.

Finding breastfeeding easy does not mean we had good sleepers.

I bf my first exclusively and combi fed my second (4bottles a week). Even though I really struggled getting my first to take a bottle(so I combi fed my second to ensure he would) I loved bf. I find it so convenient. If baby is hungry you've got their food right there. I bf everywhere. There were moments of cluster feeding but I wasn't confined to the couch. My dd refused to take a bottle at any point but had to go down to one/two feeds a day when I went back to work. And we stopped completely when I went on a hen do at 16months.
Not everyone has the same experience as every baby is different. You might have had different problems if you had bottle fed? And the benefits are massive. We have one of the lowest bf rates in the world and I think that's sad.

I was surprised how it still bloody hurt at the beginning even with number two!! People should certainly explain that. If you can push though the initial shit stage it does get infinitely better.

I was very determined both times so I pushed through. I can completely understand those who don’t though ♥️♥️

@Plotato
The 6 to 8 week rate has been pretty flat the last 10 years but including partial breastfeeding it is higher - 48%.

Between 2009/10 and 2018/19, the percentage of infants totally or partially breastfed at six to eight weeks fluctuated at around 45%, before increasing to 48% in 2019/20. There is substantial variation between parts of England, with 46% of infants breastfed at six to eight weeks in the East Midlands in 2019/20 compared to 34% in the North East
www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/breastfeeding

. Breastfeeding is for the mums who have supportive partners or family nearby to support them all the way from the cluster feeding stages to the weaning stages . I won’t be breastfeeding again in future .
This is a very untrue statement
I don't have any family support and my husband works offshore. I have a 16m old I'm still bf once a day and a 10 day old that will be ebf for aslong as she wants I love breast feeding it's my proudest achievement by a mile but equally it's not for everyone hence there's a choice

Ok so reading your follow up post, why are family and your partner pushing you to wean if they are not actually looking to / able to give any extra support?

You say you want to wean but why? Are you finding the breastfeeding too physically draining? In need of your personal space? Or is sleep the issue?

Ignoring your lack of support and issues with DP/family, what are your main current issues with the baby? If you tell us those, and what things you want to make better maybe we can help or share experience (and try to work out if changing your feeding approach will help the particular issue?)

Had a partner,used to express for when I wasn't there. Had to return to work at 3 months,that was the maternity leave then. Had a breast abscess with no 1 son.no 2 son bf for 15 months,the only thing that would get him to sleep. I was like a zombie, remember sitting eating my stone cold dinner while feeding him. No 2 daughter,got the hang of it by then. No, none of them slept through the night. My friends who bottle fed,had babies sleeping at 6 weeks. Never occurred to me not to do it though. Then,I wouldn't expect a partner to get up at 6 am work a heavy physical job and get up in the night,which seems to be expected these days.

My 2 year old still goes through the night. I love that I've been able to do it for him but agree it's not talked about.

At birth you're told to do it at all times and how amazing it is (great) and then they expect you to be weaning off at a year and they should be sleeping through and in their own bed (so unrealistic).

You need to do what is better for your mental health. You've given your baby an amazing start and an incredible bond so don't diminish all your achievements, especially as a single mum.

I agree with mandarinsatsuma and you OP. Breastfeeding has been great and so many aspects that were easier and convenient, but definitely the difficulty of weaning is not addressed . I’m still waiting for ds 20 months to lose interest and have another one on the way.

I found breastfeeding tough but there were periods where it seemed like the easier option (rather than getting up making bottles). From what you’ve hinted at it might be more a problem with a baby that wakes a lot in the night rather than breastfeeding itself...one of the reasons I stopped breastfeeding at 9/10 months was because I got pregnant and thought it would stop all the frequent night wakings as I was shattered! It didn’t unfortunately...I discovered we just had a bad sleeper! For some people night weaning or stopping does help though, just do whatever’s right for you, you’ve done well to make it this far!

I was very apprehensive about breastfeeding before my baby was born because I'd read so many negative things, mostly here on mumsnet. I got lucky that my baby had a really good latch right away so it was effortless and never hurt even for a second. I just find it brilliant, I can pop him on anytime, anywhere with no prep or equipment. I'm a long way from the weaning stage so that might cause problems down the line but so far so good.

@Justyouwaitandseeagain

Ok so reading your follow up post, why are family and your partner pushing you to wean if they are not actually looking to / able to give any extra support?

You say you want to wean but why? Are you finding the breastfeeding too physically draining? In need of your personal space? Or is sleep the issue?

Ignoring your lack of support and issues with DP/family, what are your main current issues with the baby? If you tell us those, and what things you want to make better maybe we can help or share experience (and try to work out if changing your feeding approach will help the particular issue?)

Yes I got to a point where I found it physically draining. And with the sleep I’m not expecting him to sleep the whole night but I’d like to be able to just shush him to sleep when he wakes up. Ever since I stopped bf I have to rock and walk up and down and do the most to put him back to sleep it’s exhausting.

@Lady1576 yes and with weaning what annoys me is the mis information. There’s this assumption that when your toddler is eating meals weaning will be easier but it isn’t .

I absolutely loved how easy breastfeeding was for me (after the first few weeks), but I'm inherently lazy and would struggle to keep up with all the washing, sterilising, scheduling and packing everything you need to leave the house. Definitely more of a baby in the sling, nappy in a pocket, off we go kind of mum.

However I will agree that you seem to have been mis-sold the reality of natural weaning. If you wait for baby to loose interest, you could be waiting anywhere from 2-7 years, which is more then most people sign up for, so most will actually decide to stop at some point. Though I assumed this was true of ff babies too, do they stop wanting bottles, or do people just stop giving them?

If it help, when I decide I'd had enough (22 months for first, second still going), I put huge plasters over my nipples and went cold turkey. Lots of distraction during the day and a few difficult nights, but no worse the removing any other comfort like dummies or transitioning from cot to bed.

OP, all babies are different and develop differently. Your baby at 8 months may not yet be ready to stop night feeding and this may have absolutely nothing to do with the fact you have breastfed him.

If you google '8 month old still feeding at night' you'll see there have been a lot of mothers in your position (and in the first post I looked at, all the babies were formula fed).

Perhaps you can switch to formula entirely and try watering down the milk during the night feeds as health visitors seem to suggest. Or speak to a health visitor to see if they have any other suggestions.

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/drop-clinic-984/baby-child-health-989/466945-8-month-old-still-feeding-night.html

Well, that's your truth; it's not everyone's truth. I bf my first dc until they were 2, and my 2nd until they were 3. Absolutely easy and pain free. One of the best things I've ever done.

But I had done plenty of research on it, joined the NCT and had done bfing classes so I knew what to expect and had support should I need it.

Yes I got to a point where I found it physically draining. And with the sleep I’m not expecting him to sleep the whole night but I’d like to be able to just shush him to sleep when he wakes up. Ever since I stopped bf I have to rock and walk up and down and do the most to put him back to sleep it’s exhausting.
I wonder if you realise that if you hadn’t breastfed you might have been doing this every night since baby was born? I was often doing this since I didn’t want to feed all night long and feeding soothed my very awake babies. I’d have been doing many more hours of it every night if I hadn’t been breastfeeding.

@blueberrybabe

This is my truth . I should have written that in the title . Sorry for the post. I’m not trying to put people off breastfeeding . I’m just writing this from a place of frustration. Everyone from partner to family members kept asking me and pushing me to wean . Yes I wanted to wean too but it was honestly easier putting my baby to sleep with my breast than trying to wean. I guess I got sold this assumption that once he weans everything would be easier . And that has not been the truth . 2 weeks have gone by and he cries every night. I have to rock and walk up and down and do a lot to put him back to sleep. I feel broken. I go online for advice and a lot of the advice I see is ‘ send your toddler off to sleep with someone for a week’ . My family are not interested . My partner is not interested either even though he has been able to put him to sleep without crying . He sleeps at night with ear plugs on and with the sound machine on in one room so he doesn’t hear any crying . I’m overall feeling very frustrated and alone . It’s not even the breastfeeding that’s the main issue I guess , it’s my circumstances . But now I’m feeling this feeling of regret that I didn’t stop when I wanted to. It could have been a lot easier as my son was younger .

And this is the problem. Wake your partner at midnight and say he can do 2 hours with the baby, walk into his spot in the spare room and sleep. If that were mine it would be 2 hours every night no earplugs or pack a bag and leave. I have zero patience for dads who think they don’t have to parent.

I didn't bf, and will not do if I am pregnant again. My dc are happy and healthy. No amount of "helpful" comments actually changed my decision and only caused resentment, especially in an emotional post partum state. I think actually it was partly those comments and pushy women that made my decision stick. Temporarily remove those annoying people who constantly shove it down ones throat and bang on about how they bf for x years, how wonderful it is etc... Trust your own instincts. If you want to continue, continue, if not, don't. There's so much more to motherhood and this is one miniscule phase in the grand scheme of things.

How old is your toddler/baby now blueberrybabe? How long has it been since you stopped breastfeeding? It sounds like you are having a rough time of it and I completely hear and understand your frustrations. What does your partner say when you ask him to help you?

I breast fed all ours when they were babies and stopped when they were about 14months so before they naturally self weaned. Two were horrific sleepers and though it became harder to settle them at night without the breast, after a couple of months it got much better. I’m not convinced that would’ve been any easier had they been bottle fed as at some point I would’ve wanted to stop giving them bottles for comfort in the night too.

Breast feeding was tough and I have a partner and family nearby but still had to do it all alone. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your partner sounds so unsupportive. That's really the crux of it it seems.

All babies are different. Mine wouldn't take a bottle, drink cow's milk at 1 year or use a dummy. Breast fed until around 14 months but found stopping quite easy despite scare stories it would be hard.
On the contrary lots of friends have struggled to wean their kids off bottles and dummies. Mine is now 3 and still a rubbish sleeper despite weaning.

I don’t agree that bf is for mums with supportive partners or family around! I was a single mum and I breastfed till 3 years old and had no partner and ex wasn’t around, also no family to help and they “didn’t agree” with bf anyway, I breast fed all 4 of my children.