My daughter swore but won't tell me who taught her.

[Kam23]

Today I heard my daughter swear. She said F'in heck. Me and my husband do not use that kind of language and so we know she didn't pick it up from us or from TV.

When asked she said it was a 'secret'. She's only 4 and started back at nursery in September. She named a boy in her class as the person who told her the secret but refused to repeat the phrase as she kept repeating it was a 'secret'.

She knew what she was saying may cause offense as whoever told her informed her prior when to use.

The problem is she won't tell me who told her.

Can anyone suggest how I can get her to open up and prevent her from keeping secrets in the future?

By asking her you’ve made it into a big deal. Should’ve ignored it & she would have forgotten it in a few days.

Does it matter ? It'll be a kid at nursery school,nothing you can do about it.

Let it go, it's really not a big deal.

Like pp poster said you are just making this it to something much more than it needs to be.

Ignore it and move on. I've yet to know many 4 year old who haven't slipped out with the odd fuck.

You do not draw attention to behaviour you do not want repeated, by doing so your making it very taboo and more exciting to do.

Can anyone suggest how I can get her to open up and prevent her from keeping secrets in the future?

Open up? You are talking about a copied word

Calm down

Leave it be, she copied something and now knows not to say it again.
You are quite possibly really frightening her with this.

Why do you need the name, rank and serial number of this 4 year old?!
Let it go.

Well, for starters....
Maybe say ' that isn't a word we say' and then drop it, rather than being so intense about it.

There’s no point in making a fuss about it. If your child is going to be socialising with other kids then it’s highly likely that she’ll hear swearing pretty quickly, there’s always at least a couple of kids who are regularly exposed to swearing at a young age. That’s not to suggest that they’re from abusive homes or anything, it’s just how some people speak. Just tell her that it’s not acceptable language to use, even if she hears other people doing it. What do you think you will gain by knowing the name of the child who swore in her presence? The nursery isn’t going to separate that child from the rest of the class as a result.

You're being ridiculous. She's four. Tell her not to say that word and move on with your life.

@Spacerader blimey, where do you live?

OP, I agree that this particular incident should have been handled with a rather lighter touch. It doesn't actually matter whether you know the child's name (because I hope you weren't planning on telling your daughter she shouldn't ever speak to them again...)

As to your final question - perhaps a discreet word with the nursery staff that it may be a good time to bring in the talk about "bad secrets"?

My daughter fell over when she was 2.5 and said "Oh shit my ankle ow" I tried my hardest not to laugh my arse off but I just ignored it aged 8 she detests swearing and makes me have a swear jar.

Drop this and then have a chat about secrets in a couple of weeks.

That's annoying because fucking heck is just wrong, it should be fucking hell.

I do wonder if an adult accidentally dropped the f word and tried to cover up with heck in the hope to pretend it was flipping heck? It could be adults passing by I'm not accusing the nursery staff.

You certainly can't know another child has taught her it and you should just let it drop.

I would be worried about the secret part, maybe explain to her surprises are okay but secrets aren't and she should tell you about any secrets.

You're making a big deal about a swear word though, just tell her we don't say that word and leave it there.

I've definitely known children to refer to things as secret when they've just forgotten.

She is four, stop interrogating her!

‘ She knew what she was saying may cause offense as whoever told her informed her prior when to use’

She’s 4, I doubt she knows the meaning of the word and how to use it.

I would simply say ‘that’s not a nice word’ and move on. The bigger deal you make of it the bigger issue it becomes.

Dd came home from the park one day when very small saying ‘oh ship!’ after hearing a group of adults on the grass. She soon forgot about it.

At the pre-school attended by one of my dc years ago, a dc from a large, locally well-known, well-off (and well-liked!) family was asked at snack time if he’d like to go and pick a carton of juice out of the fridge. On opening the door and being faced with the choice, he exclaimed in the plummiest accent ever “Oh, fuck. There’s no orange juice.”

I picked up 4 y o DD from nursery once and was met by a very catsbum-faced nursery manager, who told me in hushed tones that DD had “called me the f-word today”.

Horrified, I took DD home and we said to her, “DD, did you call Mrs X a bad name?”

DD (who was fascinated by ships at the time) said: “I’m really sorry mummy, but she was shouting like a foghorn so I said Mrs X was foghorn loud”

Oh how we laughed (but Mrs X wouldn’t speak to us for weeks 🤦‍♀️😫😭)

Honestly OP I wouldn’t think a thing more about it.

[quote merryhouse]@Spacerader blimey, where do you live?

OP, I agree that this particular incident should have been handled with a rather lighter touch. It doesn't actually matter whether you know the child's name (because I hope you weren't planning on telling your daughter she shouldn't ever speak to them again...)

As to your final question - perhaps a discreet word with the nursery staff that it may be a good time to bring in the talk about "bad secrets"?[/quote]
I live in a pretty decent place actually.

I'm not saying children go around swearing constantly, but I'm sure many (not all) children at some point have swore at least once. Let's not try and pretend they haven't, and even if we haven't heard it they prob have without us knowing.

Its really not a big deal at all. Ignore it and move on, or simply say we don't say those words thank you, and then move on.

My daughter was around 3 or 4 when she was struggling to do a coluring and she pushed it away and said I'm not fucking doing it. I ignored it, moved on, she has never swore in front of me since and she is 14 now.

Buckle up my friend, there's much worse to come.

I was very shocked when my 6yo told her dad to "Fuck out", should have been "fuck off"

Gotta cut them some slack when they're still learning.

If you want her to open up to you and know that she can talk to you about anything then calm down, don’t interrogate her or be too intense.

Relax. Lots of kids in that age group experiment with swear words that they have overheard from someone. They don’t know what it means (quite rightly) and the best way to respond is say we don’t use those words. If she asks why just say it’s because those words can upset people. Say it calmly and casually and not make a big deal of it and it most likely will stop.

As for keeping secrets that are harmful, well you need to facilitate the kind of relationship with good communication that puts your child at ease. Just let her know that she is allowed to tell you or her dad about any secret.

The secret thing is odd.

But she could have heard it anywhere.

So maybe she can't remember and can't think of a way to express that/ or thinks you won't accept that answer.

Or she doesn't want to get a friend in trouble.

And I mean I can imagine kid saying I know a rude word you mustn't tell anyone. Again. I mean that could be it.

I don't understand why you think it couldn't have been picked up out and about though?

Its quite possible she is also saying its a secret because of your reaction. She may be scared she is going to get someone in to trouble, or she doesn't know where she heard it and has just repeated it and came up with something whilst under interrogation.

The quickest way to loose a child's trust and encourage them to be secretive is to interrogate them and make them feel bad over non-situations.

Four year olds pick up on absolutely everything.

Interrogating her is pointless, what will you do with the information?

Just tell her it's a naughty word, and get on with your life like I did when my 4 year old told me she couldn't come for lunch right now because she had shit to do 😂