My daughter swore but won't tell me who taught her.

[Kam23]

Today I heard my daughter swear. She said F'in heck. Me and my husband do not use that kind of language and so we know she didn't pick it up from us or from TV.

When asked she said it was a 'secret'. She's only 4 and started back at nursery in September. She named a boy in her class as the person who told her the secret but refused to repeat the phrase as she kept repeating it was a 'secret'.

She knew what she was saying may cause offense as whoever told her informed her prior when to use.

The problem is she won't tell me who told her.

Can anyone suggest how I can get her to open up and prevent her from keeping secrets in the future?

Ahahaha! My three year old daughter (now aged 10 and never swears) said whilst we were feeding the ducks once, 'Fucking seagull keeps stealing my fucking bread!' I have it on video, it was brilliant.
Chill out, it's just a word. You are behaving like a right fucking idiot.

@itsallgoneshitflavoured 🤣 That’s priceless!

My dd when she was 3, we went to use a public toilet at the shopping centre, started yelling in a sing song voice: “I’m doing a fucking wee on the fucking toilet,” over and over again till she finished peeing,

The lady waiting behind me in the queue laughed and laughed and said it made her day. The lady behind her looked shocked, horrified and looked like she just sucked on a lemon. Out of those two women I know who I like best.

It was funny. It made me laugh too. Later on I casually let dd know that fuck is a swear word and some people are ok with swearing but some people get very upset when they hear them. So, we try not to use those words.

Are you looking for a 4yo to go in front of a firing squad? Seems a very big overreaction all round.

Big overreaction, she's probably scared now because of your interrogation.

But in terms of general secret keeping, fair enough. I do remember a resource I read many years ago about secrets, and it had pictures and statements about 'good' secrets and 'bad' secrets and some examples, and explained that if a secret makes you feel yucky, then it's a 'bad' secret and you have to tell a parent. For eg. "We're having a surprise party for daddy, it's a secret", should make you feel happy. Whereas "look at this photo of naked people, don't tell anyone, it's our secret", might make you feel yucky, so you should tell an adult/parent.

She said a word. It’s time for the talk about how society has silly rules about how some words are bad. Those rules make no sense, but it’s important not to say those words at school or at important events. You can also tell her that you choose not to say those words at home because it helps you practice not to say them at times you shouldn’t.

I would emphasize however that the words themselves have no power. It’s only our perception that makes them taboo. You will take the wind out of her sails by telling her that “bad” words aren’t really bad, plus teach her a good lesson about the ridiculous constructs in our society.

Tell her it's not a nice thing to say, and then leave it.. no interrigation needed at all.. She is likely to be walking down any old street at some point, and hear these words bandied about by all sorts of people, young and old.

refused to repeat the phrase as she kept repeating it was a 'secret'

Why would you want her to repeat it? She's four. Ignore it, and she'll forget it by next week.

You are massively overreacting. All you needed to do was tell her that that is not a nice word and you don't want to hear it from her again.

Instead it sounds as though you have acted all horrified and intense and subjected her to the Spanish Inquisition. What would you do if you did know the name of the other four year old? Name and shame them? Put them on trial before a judge and jury?

Why does it matter who told her?

Just ignore or tell her we don't say those words. Simple.

What a bizarre reaction.

My 4yo doesn't seem to know the name of half the kids in his preschool class so she probably doesn't know and really it doesn't matter who it was.

You’re over reacting. You need to chill.

Someone might not even have “told” her she might just have heard it.

Wait, you know where she heard it and who told her - a boy at nursery. Why are you saying you don't? Just explain it's a rude word and she should say it and move on. Why on earth are you trying to get her to repeat it. She'll probably never forget it now after the fuss and highly likely would have done otherwise. If she only said 'f'in heck' then it's barely even swearing. Or did she actually 'fucking he'll' but you're too horrified to even type it?

Not a big deal, explain it is not appropriate and move on.
Children can have secrets, just educate them on things which should never be kept secret for safety reasons.

We have a teen, throws bitch in casually (she got in to RuPaul's drag race). The parents on the primary school run are terrible for effin and jeffin very loudly

The problem is she won't tell me who told her.

Why is this a problem?

If you keep overreacting, she will start keeping secrets from you because she is scared of your reaction.

Just tell her that's not a nice word and we don't say it. Maybe mention to nursery that she seems to have heard that phrase from another child.

Then let it go...

This is why I make sure I swear lots in front of my children. I would be mortified if at 4 my children were still getting such simple swears wrong.

What difference would it make if you knew 🤷‍♀️?

Can anyone suggest how I can get her to open up and prevent her from keeping secrets in the future?

Yes. Don't come down on her all interrogating and tough when she does something you don't like. That will only encourage her to lie/say what she thinks you want to hear.

Try the book How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. (Emphasis on the second half!)

@ForkedIt, me too. I mean by 4 they should fucking know better.

@ForkedIt 😂

Where to begin?

What a drama. What did you plan to do about it if she told you?

It's highly unlikely anyone "taught" her or explained that it was rude/when to use it. More likely she's heard it and someone at school has been corrected by teacher.

"We don't say that word" once. Then drop it.

As for getting her to open up, do the exact opposite of what you've been doing.

But did she use the swear word in the correct context?!

My DD was a late talker and at just turned 2 could barely manage a 2 word sentences and had a very small vocabulary. My DH took her along the road in the pushchair, DD spotted that the cows has escaped the farmers field behind us and loudly declared 'Jesus', we thought it was frickin hilarious!!

Pick your battles OP and gain some perspective.

My 18yo said "shit" in front of me the other day. I've no doubt he uses much worse with his friends, but his face when he realised he'd said it in front of mum was an absolute picture

FWIW, they just seemed to know what was appropriate, from the example they were set. There was certainly never any drama or punishment. As they got older I would occasionally ask them to explain what a new word meant, which was fun

I don't object to swearing but I think it's important they can control it and know there's a time and a place, which is why we don't have it at home.

@Kam23

Today I heard my daughter swear. She said F'in heck. Me and my husband do not use that kind of language and so we know she didn't pick it up from us or from TV.

When asked she said it was a 'secret'. She's only 4 and started back at nursery in September. She named a boy in her class as the person who told her the secret but refused to repeat the phrase as she kept repeating it was a 'secret'.

She knew what she was saying may cause offense as whoever told her informed her prior when to use.

The problem is she won't tell me who told her.

Can anyone suggest how I can get her to open up and prevent her from keeping secrets in the future?

Let it go. Making a fuss will only help her to remember the words. My three year old grandson said something similar and it turned out he picked it up from Stormzy :(

Chill out. It doesn't matter who told her. She'll hear it a million times over in the streets, supermarkets, school.

She may not even know the kid's name. Unless she turns into Russell Brand overnight I wouldn't give it too much thought!