What it like having teenage sons/adult sons?

[Blueskies3]

I have two boys, 6 and 4.
I am worried that when they are teenagers they won't want anything to do with me,, won't talk/communicate and will be sex crazy....won't be able to enter their rooms etc.
What is it like?
How do you have a good relationship with your teenage/adult son? What tips can you give me?
Please feel free to reply if you have daughters too.

Oh, god, mine communicate in grunts, bite the postman’s leg every day and are so sex crazed that I have had to have the cat re-homed.

I have young adult DS and our relationship is as fab as it's always been. We chat a lot, share the same sense of humour and same taste in music. As he got older into his early teens we developed sort of a ribbing type banter back and forth and would send each other up. That's still going strong

DS-14 going on 40

He’s an old soul. Prefers staying in than going out and about. Gets good marks in school. Talks to me about most things and says he feels comfortable.

Dont worry about them becoming teenagers- you will grow along with them 🌻

Mine are 20 and 23.
It’s bloody lovely.

I was, I have to admit, more than a tad smug about my wonderful baby, toddler, child and early teen. And then there was what I can only describe as an unexpected shift. A howl at the moon/hairy werewolf moment, if you like. When he is good, he is very, very good. And when he is bad, he is a hybrid of The Incredible Hulk and Kevin The Teenager. I can only hope and pray it is temporary.

Sorry, OP. Make the most of them now!

DS is turning 16 and he’s lovely- still as sweet and affectionate as ever, lots of hugs etc, helps his little sister with her homework, and he’s really funny and thoughtful. His friends are all also really decent guys.

Boys are great- don’t worry!

I have a fantastically close relationship with my DD 21. Sadly I barely have a relationship with my DS 19. I can only guess that's he's fucked up by our divorce when he was 4. We were so close till he was 12 and despite his hormonal indifference we still had jokes and fun sporadically. He cut me off at 18 and I barely have a relationship with him now. It's unendingly sad for me but I guess I'm getting used to it. I gave him everything and he always wrote birthday and Mother's Day cards to me thanking me for everything I did to help him overcome his troubles. I'm used to it now - he's just not a warm and kind person right now. He will always be my son and I will always love him.

I have two boys late teen and early 20s. I can honestly say I’ve never had any inkling that I can’t go in their rooms etc but we always have a knock a wait policy, so I wouldn’t end up walking in on anything anyway. They’re more likely to catch me up to no good tbh . They are clean and tidy (more so then me!), change their own bed sheets and have done for years, make themselves food and they’re both clever, funny and charming young men.

The older one had his moments as a teen but grew out of his entitled attitude by about 17.

I also have a teen DD and she’s a little star, definitely a mummy’s girl, always helping, hugs me loads and makes me tea a lot!

When she was born a little part of me was slightly disappointed that she wasn’t another boy as I was geared up for 3 boys! DD is a total mix of the other two’s personalities.

I am lucky to have 3 such great kids regardless of what sex they are.

I hope he finds his way back to you Boule.

@EdgeOfTheSky

Oh, god, mine communicate in grunts, bite the postman’s leg every day and are so sex crazed that I have had to have the cat re-homed.

I have two adult sons - late teens/early twenties.
When they were in their early teens we worked at discovering stuff we all genuinely liked doing and then made sure we did it often. We took them to lots of music gigs when they were mid teens as they couldn't go alone. That was good bonding. Turned out they liked art and theatre (which surprised us) so we did those together too. Doing something as a family that everyone genuinely loves is really bonding. It could be stuff like going to a sports match together regularly or doing things like climbing, kayaking, etc.

It's natural (and good for them) to break away from family at that age and want to do lots of stuff with friends or by themselves. Just find one or two bonding things.

We also did pizza and film nights twice a month. Dark room, popcorn, home made pizza. Take turns to choose the film.

And we involved them closely in holiday plans - choosing where to go and what to do once there. Everyone got to choose two or three key things they really wanted to do on each holiday and then we'd book those things.

Now I stay close by helping them with stuff like cooking and home furnishing now they've left home, as well as dropping in on them to take them out for dinner to nice places as they couldn't afford to do that themselves on student money.

Should add we had a rocky time with each of them on one or two occasions. And a few monosyllabic years. But apart from that, all went very well and they stayed as loving, polite, helpful and good humoured as any teen can reasonably be expected to be!

@Hoppinggreen

They're smelly and noisy and hairy. Yet when I hug them I can still feel the soft little boys.

This may have made me cry a little bit - it’s so true! My little squishy baby boy is still there under the hair, muscles and BO!!

I feel this way about DS(13). He towers over me now and can easily lift me up....I'm now the smallest person in the family so my teens like to sweep me off my feet occasionally just to prove it.

But he's still my cuddly boy underneath, even when he's being grumpy. Most of the time he's chatty, fun, and interesting, though. And v. messy!

DS is 13 and still very cuddly, although less so then when he was little. I was out last night when he went to bed so I didn't see him. This morning he flung his arms around me when I got up and said he'd missed me. I feel very close to him.

I've got a 16 year old and an 18 year old and they are both lovely. I spend lots of time with both of them, especially the younger one as we have a shared hobby. They have the odd sulky moment but I have never had an actual argument with either of them - the worse it's ever got is needing to remind them more than once to do their music practice and one of them has a very messy bedroom but I leave him to it! They bring me a cup of tea in bed every morning and are generally all round good lads. One is more communicative than the other but I think that's just different personalities.
I think there's a large element of luck to be honest - I know some people who I consider to be very good patents who have ended up with nightmare teens, and vice versa, but if I had one piece of advice it would be "communicate". If you want them to talk to you when they're older you need to always be prepared to listen.

DS1 (24) has never stopped talking since the day he was born - we thought our ears would get a break when he hit the teenage years, but no. DH was once close to losing the plot when he talked all the way from Edinburgh to Manchester and back home again - literally. He's very up and down, very sociable, very driven. He had a couple of long term girlfriends in his teens and I was OK with them staying over once he'd known them for a while and I provided condoms that I got through work - we were very honest and open with him about sex. I wouldn't have allowed a string of girls in his bedroom.

DS2 (14) is a quieter boy altogether, and while he doesn't grunt he's definitely a man of few words - I get very little out of him. He lives for football and his Fifa and Forza games on the Xbox, and if you rearrange your facial features to pretend you're interested he'll talk about them for ages. He's very even tempered and laid back - rarely see him lose his cool. Not at the girlfriend/boyfriend stage.

Both are great young men - I really like both of them a lot, even though they do test my patience from time to time. We've always spent a lot of time together as a family and enjoy each others company (most of the time!)

DS17 is lovely.

He was a nightmare from 12-15, after he and I nearly killing each other for a year, I realised I needed to change something. So instead of reacting and being shouty, I started telling him I loved him. And making myself mean it - no insincerity allowed! It totally changed everything for us and we made it through the rest of the hormonal years (dd12 is just starting 😬).

We talked ( or I talked at him, then he started to join in!), I took him out for lunch every so often and we send funny memes that no-one else gets to each other.

DS1 (24) has never stopped talking since the day he was born - we thought our ears would get a break when he hit the teenage years, but no. DH was once close to losing the plot when he talked all the way from Edinburgh to Manchester and back home again - literally.

@SirChenjins I can somewhat relate to this, DS and I will walk the dog and he'll talk nonstop the entire time...! Not so verbose on car journeys though....yet.

I have two boys, 17 and 15. They are wonderful, but my God they put food away... Both tall and slim but they NEVER STOP EATING!!!

@Cameleongirl

DS1 (24) has never stopped talking since the day he was born - we thought our ears would get a break when he hit the teenage years, but no. DH was once close to losing the plot when he talked all the way from Edinburgh to Manchester and back home again - literally.

@SirChenjins I can somewhat relate to this, DS and I will walk the dog and he'll talk nonstop the entire time...! Not so verbose on car journeys though....yet.

Fingers crossed for you!!

@Hoesbeforebroes

Mine can be lazy, selfish, know-all, entitled pains in the arse sometimes that's for sure.

But they're not how you described. They're very gregarious and chatty, and are far more interested in their mates than the opposite sex. They'd never admit to it but they do definitely still need their mum.

16 and 17yo.

This but mine are in their mid 20s/early 30s. I wouldn't swap them for girls for all the tea in China. Not perfect, but who is?

My eldest DS is 20 he has ASD so hasn't always been the easiest but overall he is good kid. He is a meticulous about being clean and showered but his room can get untidy. He isnt very communicative mostly a moan or a whinge so am a bit jealous of all these boys coming home for hugs and long conversations. Sex no signs of any partner he barely has friends but I am sure in private he does his own thing. I also have a middle son 9 and yes he is NT but I can also see how he would be the sort of child who would still like to be close even when he is older. He is very emotionally sensitive to others feelings and likes lots of hugs and care and just has a very easy going personality. My DD is young and a handful she is the one I worry about the most.

I’m not really sure whether my experience of the grunt years is really normal. DS has done 15-17 in lockdown so he has learnt to open up because there was no one else to do it with. He has learnt how important it is to accept support and more importantly give support to friends who are struggling with mental health issues. I am eternally grateful to a few of his close friends who talked him down when he was becoming suicidal and to his now girlfriend who insisted that he stayed on FaceTime all night so she could check on him. It’s only recently that I realised that was what she was doing. I just thought it was sweet.
I think we can learn a lot from the last two years. Most of all how important it is to let them stretch their wings and make a few mistakes so that they learn to be independent.
DS has emerged from the grunt years and is the same loving boy he always was, he’s still 25% Kevin but the other 75% is becoming a man I will be proud to say is my son.

Thank you everyone. Your posts have really warmed my heart, in fact melted it and completely eased my anxiety. Thank you!

Things I’ve learned as mother to a teenage boy -

1. You can never have enough food in the house
2. There is not enough deodorant in the world to mask teen boy stink
3. “Knock & wait” is vital
4. They really need their mums still, like A Lot.

I also have a thirteen year old girl, all the above is true for her too except no 2 so far…