I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with the new baby

[Nc4post99]

Please be kind.

DD is 25 months will be 26.5 when baby arrives.

I dont know if I’ll be able to cope. DH and I have 0 supportive and capable family around so it will be just us.

I had severe Pnd due to lack of sleep first time around. I was getting 2 hours sleep In 24 hrs until about 10 weeks and I just came undone. Everyone told me it was normal which made me feel even worse. (Sleep issues were caused by tongue tie btw). At the beginning DH tried to shift sleep, I’d ‘sleep’ 8-1am and then he’d sleep 1-7am for work. I could never sleep at 8pm everyone told me how important pumping is, so I’d pump at 10:30 when baby would feed. So I’d sleep 11- 1am and then it would be my shift with the baby who wouldn’t settle, same in the day, so I’d be up 1am- 11pm. I honestly started to unravel, i was having memory blackouts, wouldn’t eat or drink because then I’d have to use the loo and DD would cry (and everyone told me never let the baby cry), I’d have rage outbursts and cry all the time and I started thinking about taking my own life and putting DD up to adoption. I don’t think DH took me seriously and would often say ‘you and your precious sleep’ which made me feel horrendous and selfish when I was already struggling. When DD started sleeping and I had a 6 hr stretch of sleep this almost instantly melted away- I hadn’t realised how fundamentally damaging consistent sleep deprivation was psychologically and I refuse to feel bad for needing sleep as it’s a basic biological necessity. Last night DH suggested shift sleeping again and it instantly brought everything back and I’m terrified again. I can’t feel like that again.
We had feeding problems too, again tongue tie.
I’m worried I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and dd (who is absolutely lovely but obviously needs attention)

DC2 wasn’t planned, as I’d always said I’d want a larger age gap (ie 3/4 years). I’m just terrified.

We know Dc2 is a boy, and I know this sounds stupid and probably horrible but I really wanted another girl. I grew up with a very very violent brother and was terrified of him (he even tried attacked me during this pregnancy even though he’s in his 30s) so I think im a little afraid that ds would hurt me and his sister. Probably not rationale but truthfully it has been a blocker for me feeling excited.

I’ve not had the best time pregnancy wise, care has been pretty poor and I lost my father and never really got chance to deal with it. I don’t know if this is going to hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I’ve seen on social media people saying 2 year age gap only really possible with lots of help from family, if you don’t have that you’ll struggle… I don’t have that.

Truthfully how did others find it? Was it ‘that’ bad? Will I be ok?

(Also I did refer myself for perinatal MH support this time from my booking appointment, I’m still on the waiting list, but so far the ‘support’ has honestly been an embarrassment as it is so so poor)

OK so your worry is absolutely justified. However, you know more this time. You need sleep so no pumping during that time. You need sleep so at least one night per week is all your DH, you can even consider a night nanny if you have the money and can. And you might get a sleeper, many people do. I didn't, but many do.

I had all the symptoms of depression and like you, I think it was mostly sleep deprivation. It also faded away when DD started sleeping.

I don't talk about this much but my brother was also violent in childhood. I don't know about yours but decent parenting would have protected me. You sound like a good parent. And most aren't violent. I didn't realise that until I was older of course.

We did a night nanny first time around too, when I just couldn’t cope, she came twice a week but feeding and pumping and probably chronic over tiredness had already set in, it didn’t make any difference to my overall mental health.

Part of me feels like this baby is a huge mistake, but then I feel so guilty as no one deserves to come into the world being thought of as a mistake

You need sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

It’s absolutely ok for baby to cry. You need to eat, drink and sleep. They’re basic human requirements.

I’ve got a very similar age gap and I’m not going to lie it’s really bloody hard.

I’m EBF and DD is nearly 7 months now.

My husband does pretty much everything with our toddler. All mornings, nursery run, bath and bedtime. If DS wakes during the night then DH gets him. Am I fuck doing night wakings for a toddler and a baby while he snoozes peacefully!

Thankfully DS sleeps well.

You need to put your own needs first sometimes don’t be a martyr.

What have you found really hard? @Sexnotgender, so I can mentally prepare myself.

Thinking about it, i actually just want to cry and run away remembering how much I struggled first time around. I’ve been in complete denial this whole pregnancy. Such a fool.

Thankfully DD is a good sleeper, only wakes if she’s rather unwell and/or in some pain. She does her 11/12 hr stretch at night and then 1/2 hr nap In the day. She can play independently too and loves arts and crafts but I feel a huge amount of guilt that she might feel pushed out

Thinking about it, i actually just want to cry and run away remembering how much I struggled first time around. I’ve been in complete denial this whole pregnancy. Such a fool.

Denial is your brain's way of protecting you, don't knock it!

I do think you need to examine your own thoughts. There are a LOT of guilt and expectations on yourself. Lower your standards.

I don’t think DS feels pushed out, however I think that’s primarily because DH has always been such a hands on dad. So his life hasn’t actually changed that much. He adores his little sister.

How hands on is your husband? Does he do bath/bedtime right now?

The hardest part was having to run around after a very lively toddler while tending to the needs of a newborn. Once the first few weeks passed it became easier.

You can plan so much to help, private tongue tie check after birth, take baby to cranial osteopath within the first few weeks as they can assist with colic or reflux issues. Try and get baby into a feed and nap routine which should help, scrap pumping and prioritise sleep you can breast feed and formula top up or use a Hakka instead of the pump.

You know what to look out for and how to prevent it happening again, big hugs x

22 months age gap here and it really will be a team effort, you are both equal parents except for breastfeeding. Dad can settle, burp, change, carry, and hold baby and do exactly the same things you do with the toddler.
I do hate the term hands on dad, like how is it they are allowed or acceptable to be hands off?! What a luxury.
And remember you have been here, you know how a lot of it goes so there may be less stress on that part.

Ok. Baby is happening and running away is not a realistic option so you need a better plan than you had last time. Does your toddler go to nursery at all? Could you afford to put her in for a couple of mornings a week? Then you can nap when the baby naps during those sessions. Taking shifts for sleep is actually probably a helpful strategy, but it sounds like the set up didn’t work for you last time because you weren’t actually able to sleep during your husband’s shift. Would it work better for you the other way around? So perhaps he goes to bed at the same time as the toddler (or just early - say 9pm) and sleeps til 4. Then he gets up with the baby and deals with the toddler’s breakfast etc. You sleep as much as you can during the night plus you get say 4-8am where there are no interruptions and Dh deals with the baby. Would you consider adding one formula bottle a day if needed during your 4-8am sleep period? Or more if this baby also has tongue tie issues? I think breastfeeding is great and I got really annoyed with anyone suggesting formula when I was tired when my son was not sleeping for long stretches, and I really understand how important it feels to exclusively breastfeed. But with hindsight from your first, you are saying that last time the tongue tie was part of the sleeping issue and that the sleep deprivation was hugely problematic for your health. I think considering mix feeding to at least give you one slightly longer stretch of sleep per night might reduce your stress levels here. Your baby would still be getting antibodies and all the other helpful things breastmilk provides plus a mum getting 4hours good sleep plus maybe another few hours broken sleep. And you might find this baby sleeps better and you don’t need to change anything anyway.

I have a 2yr2mo age gap and live the other side of the world from family/friends so can safely say we have done this alone! DC2 is now 5 months and it is totally doable. However you have to be kind on yourself. We have managed as DC1 is in daycare 3 days per week, we have a cleaner and we talk to each other about how we are coping. If I were you, I would do the following....

1. get a cleaner if you don't already.

1. Arrange for a lactation consultant to see you very soon post birth to assess for ties etc. If you can avoid pumping so much, you would save quite a bit of time I suspect.

1. At night you take the baby and your DH take your 2 year old if they wake... you cannot be getting up with both. Sounds like the shift system didn't work for you last time so I wouldn't do it again. I'm shocking at the whole sleep when the baby sleeps thing but I've found that list being in a dark room for one of her day naps really helps me get a bit of rest even if I don't sleep.

1. Invest in a good sling. My DC2 has basically lived in one for her first 4 months and its been a godsend. Still in it now quite a bit!

1. Find toys that you can do with your toddler whilst sitting down... magnetic tiles have been my saviour!

1. You don't mention if your DD goes to child care... if she doesn't and you can afford it then use it! It gives my DS the opportunity to burn off a lot of energy that I wouldn't be able to do at home with him.

Sounds like the perinatal team is an excellent idea, i hope you get an appointment soon. I was terrified when I was pregnant about how I would cope but it has been good. My DC1 adores his sister and its lovely watching them interact. My hair doesn't get washed as much and my house is a bit untidy but I figure its not going to be like this forever.

It will be tough but as previous posters have said you have learnt a lot from last time.

Is DH kind and supportive usually? This rang alarm bells for me don’t think DH took me seriously and would often say ‘you and your precious sleep’ which made me feel horrendous and selfish when I was already struggling.

I have a similar age gap with mine. DS is 3 weeks old and DD 28 months. It is hard work, I’m not going to lie, and I was really worried towards the end of my pregnancy, but it’s manageable.

Do you have any childcare for your daughter? Or if not can you afford to start? Mine is in childcare three days a week and that’s when I catch up on sleep when the baby is napping.

I think you also have to have a good routine agreed with your DH in advance. We don’t share the nights but he is in charge of getting the eldest ready in the mornings and doing bedtime for her. We also make sure that I have some time in the morning before he heads off to work so I can get showered and dressed otherwise it just wouldn’t happen.

And you will find that you just sometimes do need to leave the baby to cry for a bit while you’re dealing with the toddler or doing other things. It won’t harm him. I use a sling a lot so that I can keep the baby happy whilst having my hands free for DD.

Try not to worry too much. You may get a baby that sleeps better which will make all the difference. Two hours a night at 10 weeks is particularly bad. At 3 weeks I’d say I’m getting about 5-6 hours a night (in chunks) which isn’t as much as I would like obviously but it’s okay.

I hope you don't mind me jumping on this thread but I feel the same as you. We are currently doing shifts at night and something needs to change. I'm also feeling horrible guilt over spending not much time with DD. My patience is thin due to sleep deprivation and I'm snapping at her but she is also pushing the boundaries and DS is only 3 weeks old.

I had PND with my first. We were breastfeeding and it was awful. It was painful and uncomfortable and it meant DP couldn't help feed unless I expressed.

With this baby I decided within less than 24 hours that I was going to formula feed. I tried breastfeeding and as soon as we went to bed I was filled with dread. I just couldn't do it.

Breastfeeding is best for baby but if it's not great for you then that's ok.

I do hate the term hands on dad, like how is it they are allowed or acceptable to be hands off?! What a luxury.

I’m assuming that’s aimed at me.

My apologies I agree that there shouldn’t be an option to not parent your child but having read so many threads about utterly useless men I thought it best to see whether the OPs husband was of any material use to her.

Sorry I pressed post too soon

Get baby checked for tongue tie really early on. It's so quick to fix.

If you feel yourself get frustrated, make DH take over, even if it's not 'his shift'. You need to lean on each other.

Right. If pumping and being awake to breastfeed is becoming problematic then seriously consider bottle feeding. Baby will be absolutely fine with formula and more importantly, you will be better able to function.

Also: babies cry. They do. Leaving them for hours wailing is obviously not good but no harm whatsoever is going to result from a few minutes crying whilst you go to the loo.

You need to be more selfish. Nothing is worse for a child than a mother who has driven herself into the ground and is falling to bits. The better you feel, the better you will be able to care for him.

@Sexnotgender

I do hate the term hands on dad, like how is it they are allowed or acceptable to be hands off?! What a luxury.

I’m assuming that’s aimed at me.

My apologies I agree that there shouldn’t be an option to not parent your child but having read so many threads about utterly useless men I thought it best to see whether the OPs husband was of any material use to her.

It's probably aimed at lazy, arse men TBF

Thanks for all the suggestions!

So DD is in nursery 3 days per week and we can afford to continue until about 6 months as I get 6 months full mat pay. Then I think we’ll need to drop her down to 2 days per week. I believed sleep training was the worst thing you can do and is cruel etc as it was all id been told but I think we’ll work in good sleep habits from around 3 months on this time. Prior to delivery of dd I thought yeah the odd bottle for formula here and there is a ok by me. But all I heard was ‘the risks of formula’ ‘never miss a feed’ etc and giving a bottle of formula felt like the biggest failure in the world (stupid I know). Hopefully I won’t feel like that again.

DH is v hands on with DD morning routine, snacks, meals and bedtimes. My concern with him though is just how much he sort of ignores me, doesn’t hear or downplays what I say. I got to the point of really lashing out and having huge breakdowns where I basically told him I was concerned that dd couldn’t keep on being around me as I was afraid of harming her (this wasn’t actually true but he just wouldn’t hear me when I was saying I can’t cope) he’s just quite dismissive of how I feel sometimes, even in terms of physical pain, i had an appendicitis in my 2nd trimester and I was vomiting from pain and collapsed and he was just quite unsympathetic and just said well if it’s that bad get to hospital, but I’m not taking you as dd is asleep, i came back from the hospital after 3 days on IV antibiotics and still In pain (no op due to pregnancy) i had a nap at home and then he shouted at me for sleeping enough and him needing me to ‘step up’ as he needed a break- dd sleeps through the night and I was still in pain. This overall pattern really concerns me about him. He went on yesterday that at certain times he was tired and I didn’t step up to the plate but for the life of me I can’t think of what he’s on about as he wouldn’t explain. He says it about meal times too, he’s talking about up to at least 20 weeks i couldn’t be around meal times or snacks as the smell made me violently ill. The times I tried I’d often end up puking at the dinner table. But he doesn’t quite believe how unwell I was.

My eldest had tongue tie but my youngest didn't and feeding her was an entirely different experience.

I coslept from birth with the youngest (despite being against it with the eldest) and I slept so much better, I barley woke up after a couple of weeks - and she would give me great lie ins too.

I had a similar age gap, and no family support, and OH had a horrible commute (he was out of the house from 6-19:30) - the first year was hard but not insurmountable, and the lovely bond they have now is so so precious! Now they get themselves up and dressed and eat breakfast - it's all worth it in the long run!

i had a nap at home and then he shouted at me for sleeping enough and him needing me to ‘step up’ as he needed a break- dd sleeps through the night and I was still in pain.

He sounds abusive love. Are there other things that worry you?

@MrsTerryPratchett

i had a nap at home and then he shouted at me for sleeping enough and him needing me to ‘step up’ as he needed a break- dd sleeps through the night and I was still in pain.

He sounds abusive love. Are there other things that worry you?

He’s not abusive don’t worry, this is a tiny segment of who is when he’s feeling overwhelmed. He’s an awful communicator so bottles things up and then it comes out as him being angry.

What does concern me is how he just doesn’t take on board what I say sometimes. It’s on innocuous things, like screen time for meals (drives me potty) or more heavy things particularly mental health wise, it’s like something doesn’t click. Maybe it’s an empathy thing? I don’t know. I think some of it is cultural and upbringing (he’s from a south Asian background and men are quite pandered too traditionally and no one speaks about how they feel, least of all men, so I don’t know?)

I've got 2 with a 28 month gap. No local family and DC2 was born in the first Covid lockdown so not many visitors either. You sound very self aware OP which is a really good thing. Truthfully it was pretty relentless for a while initially but things will settle down

You and DH need to be actively kind to one another, especially when you're both tired.
Prioritise your sleep. Insist you DH does too.
Take any and all offers of help/support - health visitors get a bad rap on MN but they can be great listening ears to offload on as well as offering advice.
Insist on a proper tongue tie assessment before you are discharged from the midwives.
IMO pumping is not realistic with 2 DC. BF is fab if it works but don't be a martyr.
Take both DC for lots of long walks. Helps sleep and mental health for all of you.
If finances allow, some nursery or other childcare sessions for your DD is a good idea

Also my little ones are both boys, they are the sweet, gentle and affectionate

Ok so some fucker or fuckers did a total number on you about breastfeeding and pumping.

I know so, so many people who breastfed for months but who mix fed from a few weeks to save their sanity.

If the choice is between you pumping and being sleep deprived and you not pumping, needing a bit more formula for a little while to build up your supply again, then ditch the pumping. Sleep. I found it so tedious and soul destroying.

Your husband sounds totally unsupportive and your pregnancy awful. No wonder you’re stressed.

My first had silent reflux, nightmares with feeding and sleep.

To give you hope, my second was a bloody machine. Fed every 2 hours during the day, napped between feeds, was awake for three hours in the evening to play, and then slept 8 hours a night from two weeks old. After a terrible pregnancy and with a 4yo it was such a relief. I hope your second is like mine

To give the devil his due @JassyRadlett he’s supportive but where he really falls down is he’s not very understanding.

I bloody hope my second child is like your second, they sound like a dream! Xx