I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with the new baby

[Nc4post99]

Please be kind.

DD is 25 months will be 26.5 when baby arrives.

I dont know if I’ll be able to cope. DH and I have 0 supportive and capable family around so it will be just us.

I had severe Pnd due to lack of sleep first time around. I was getting 2 hours sleep In 24 hrs until about 10 weeks and I just came undone. Everyone told me it was normal which made me feel even worse. (Sleep issues were caused by tongue tie btw). At the beginning DH tried to shift sleep, I’d ‘sleep’ 8-1am and then he’d sleep 1-7am for work. I could never sleep at 8pm everyone told me how important pumping is, so I’d pump at 10:30 when baby would feed. So I’d sleep 11- 1am and then it would be my shift with the baby who wouldn’t settle, same in the day, so I’d be up 1am- 11pm. I honestly started to unravel, i was having memory blackouts, wouldn’t eat or drink because then I’d have to use the loo and DD would cry (and everyone told me never let the baby cry), I’d have rage outbursts and cry all the time and I started thinking about taking my own life and putting DD up to adoption. I don’t think DH took me seriously and would often say ‘you and your precious sleep’ which made me feel horrendous and selfish when I was already struggling. When DD started sleeping and I had a 6 hr stretch of sleep this almost instantly melted away- I hadn’t realised how fundamentally damaging consistent sleep deprivation was psychologically and I refuse to feel bad for needing sleep as it’s a basic biological necessity. Last night DH suggested shift sleeping again and it instantly brought everything back and I’m terrified again. I can’t feel like that again.
We had feeding problems too, again tongue tie.
I’m worried I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and dd (who is absolutely lovely but obviously needs attention)

DC2 wasn’t planned, as I’d always said I’d want a larger age gap (ie 3/4 years). I’m just terrified.

We know Dc2 is a boy, and I know this sounds stupid and probably horrible but I really wanted another girl. I grew up with a very very violent brother and was terrified of him (he even tried attacked me during this pregnancy even though he’s in his 30s) so I think im a little afraid that ds would hurt me and his sister. Probably not rationale but truthfully it has been a blocker for me feeling excited.

I’ve not had the best time pregnancy wise, care has been pretty poor and I lost my father and never really got chance to deal with it. I don’t know if this is going to hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I’ve seen on social media people saying 2 year age gap only really possible with lots of help from family, if you don’t have that you’ll struggle… I don’t have that.

Truthfully how did others find it? Was it ‘that’ bad? Will I be ok?

(Also I did refer myself for perinatal MH support this time from my booking appointment, I’m still on the waiting list, but so far the ‘support’ has honestly been an embarrassment as it is so so poor)

I have a similar age gap between DC1 & 2. DC1 was not the easiest newborn - she had a tongue tie not diagnosed til 6 weeks but still managed to go from 50th to 91st centile by feeding the entire time, only pausing to scream if we dared to put her down. She was like a different baby by 3 months, but I was dreading the newborn stage again.

DC2 was like night and day. We were at the breastfeeding group by day 6 to get her tongue tie sorted, and she just has a much more chilled temperament, would sleep in 3-4 hour chunks at night from the start, waking to feed then going straight back to sleep. We kept DC1 in nursery part time too, and had plenty of things to do together while I was feeding the baby (stories, games etc), and DH would take over with the baby in the evening so I could do bedtime.

It went so well we’ve just had DC3…

This gives me hope @Aozora13 xx

Y’know I think it’s also easier psychologically as you KNOW that “this too shall pass” whereas with DC1 I was never 100% convinced I would actually ever sleep again or even feel vaguely like myself. And now DC are 5 & 3 they love playing together and the age gap is really nice.

Oh and we have minimal support as no (useful) family nearby but have coped fine.

@Sexnotgender

I do hate the term hands on dad, like how is it they are allowed or acceptable to be hands off?! What a luxury.

I’m assuming that’s aimed at me.

My apologies I agree that there shouldn’t be an option to not parent your child but having read so many threads about utterly useless men I thought it best to see whether the OPs husband was of any material use to her.

Fair enough. Its my bugbear, men getting praised for doing exactly what we do!

The very ones!

@Charbead49

The very ones!

That was for @MrsTerryPratchett

You mention three pieces of advice given by 'everyone' in your OP and they're all dreadful advice - who specifically is everyone? Because I really think you'll fare better without any advice from these friends or family members of - God forbid - HCPs this time around, so if you can't ditch the people I think you need to promise yourself you'll ignore and block out their advice.

It was a nightmare. My gap is 22 months but I was on my own lots and I had no control over them (still don't).

I had a non napping, constantly overtired refluxer last time, for whom we didn’t get the right combination of meds until three months old.

She was 2.9 when DD2 was born 12 weeks ago, and so far they seem different so there is hope. DD2 is a terrible napper too, and I don’t get a break because DD1 started dropping her nap at 18 months , but at least DD2 sleeps at night (until the 4 month regression). DD2 is also a lot more chilled and happy to come along to play dates, toddler groups etc.

Top tips echo what’s been previously mentioned - use nursery if you can, get a cleaner if you can afford it, take the toddler out every day to burn off energy and use a sling if your baby will allow it (DD2 now goes batshit unless facing out, which is unhelpful).

I had severe PND/PTSD with DS (first surviving child), suicidal and homicidal intrusive thoughts, actually walked out at 2am one morning, was acutely unwell

25 months later I was far more well and thrived with DD2 and 2yo DS. DD2 was a clingier baby and worse sleeper but I think a combination of being willing to seek help quicker, anti depressants and simply the fact I’d done it before so indeed was happy to spend the day stuck at home with DS watching you tube on occasion or let her cry for 5 minutes while I had a quick shower. Also having a toddler made it less lonely and provided structure to the day. We didn’t have lots of family help or anything either and it was fine. However my DH was very helpful he would prepare bottles at 2am before he went to work or come home and take the kids so I could nap, I think your DH needs to step up.

@Hardbackwriter

You mention three pieces of advice given by 'everyone' in your OP and they're all dreadful advice - who specifically is everyone? Because I really think you'll fare better without any advice from these friends or family members of - God forbid - HCPs this time around, so if you can't ditch the people I think you need to promise yourself you'll ignore and block out their advice.

It was just all around noise. I went to an ante natal class that really hammered Home ‘breast is best’ ‘any formula increases sids risk’ etc. I recall telling a midwife that I planned to breastfeed but maybe give a bottle of formula here and there and was told that was the worst thing for them, will hurt their tummy, should be all breastfeeding or formula. There was 0 breastfeeding support on maternity ward so we got off to a real shitty start so I joined a few fb support groups and called breastfeeding helplines and there it was don’t pump before 6 weeks, dangers of formula, don’t let them cry, no screen time etc. Had a breastfeeding support team come around too and they were of them same ilk… breastfeeding above a else. I reached out for help time and time again and was told it was all normal Just a lot of background noise.

DD was a low birthweight baby too, so that was a lot of stress too!

Hello, I haven't read all the replies but I want to share my experience as it will hopefully alleviate some anxiety for you.

I had DS1 when I was living overseas, no family, husband worked long hours. DS1 was a really hard baby, only slept 2-3 hours at a time and screamed everytime I put him down (or in a car seat) until he was about 10 months old, but like everyone else I survived those early days and looking back I realise that there's a lot of things I would have done differently if I had known (of course) Anyways I fell pregnant again when DS1 was 9 months old and had DS2 the first week of lockdown, 18 month age gap.

We moved back home when DS2 was 6 months old and we don't have a great deal of family support here either. We have a close cousin and his wife who help with the boys but that's about if, they are now 19 months and 3 years old and they absolutely adore each other (of course they fight like fuck as well but why toddlers don't?)

I work full time nightshift (three 12 hour nights per week) and DC go to nursery three days per week. DH also works full time so as much as it is a lot of hard work it is completely manageable and only gets easier as they get older.

To be perfectly honest I really want a third child but my main worry around it is finances not capability. I'm making this sound like it's been an absolute walk in the park and I can assure you if hasnt. Working full time with a full time working husband and two toddlers is a massive struggle most days but we keep busy, try to have a good routine and carry on.

Whenever I am having a really rough day I just try and tell myself that these are the days of your life that you will always revisit in the future. The long days that become the short years and I know it sounds like a cliche but I believe it's true

Hi, I'm so sorry you have felt like this.

Have you done a budget and worked out exactly how much disposable income you have?

If I were you I'd work that out and then I'd throw every single spare penny at the problem. I'd even consider taking out a low interest loan to help with the problem.

Your health and well-being is so so important. Forget savings, investment, pension for now. Claw together everything you have!

You could get a nanny or child minder a few days a week so you can catch up on sleep? Hire a babysitter for the evening, so you can sleep? Night nanny?

Hi OP. I’m just checking in to say that I can here a lot of what others want “every days…” “DP says…” but very little of what you want. Your entire post was about all the things you fear will happen and nothing about what you want to do?

Imagine the worst case scenario? E.g. baby with reflux that doesn’t sleep and you have PND. What support would you need around you to help you? What would gold standard support look like?

You really really sound like you need some therapy / even just a short course so unravel some of this.

I’d recommend channeling this fear energy into a) scenario planning - if this goes wrong, what will you do to mitigate it? And then some serious investment in your mental health. I hear you’re on the waiting list for the PMH services… great. Are you doing anything now to deal with your anxiety? Mindfulness? Yoga? Breathing? Anxiety exercises? Stretching? Etc

Because honestly, you can’t predict or control if your new baby has colic or reflux, but you can plan to get the support you need and build up your own mental health so you have greater capacity to manage it.

I can’t comment on the age gap as we went for a 3 year gap and ended up with 4 (this has different challenges!)

Al I would say is try not to care what others think so much. If you formula feed then Dad can help. I had to express for a bit as DC2 was in NICU but if he had come straight home with me I wouldn’t have had time with 2DC. I ended up bottle feeding as couldn’t keep up with expressing when he was home. I feel no guilt over this. By all means try breastfeeding but if it doesn’t work, don’t panic!

My first was an awful sleeper and didn’t really sleep through until 3 ish and sometimes still wakes . My second does wake still but will go back down with minimal fuss whereas DC1 just screamed and ended up driving him round / pushing him in pushchair/ anything that might help!

I don’t have a cleaner as prefer not to have people in the house but this might help. Definitely keep up with your daughters childcare.

Basically do what you need to survive. You will manage so just take it one day at a time xx

OP, there is far too much pressure and guilt tripping about breast feeding. My generation was overwhelmingly bottle fed, and we are the longest lived and healthiest generation in history!
You need your sleep. No human being can get through months on two hours sleep a night without cracking up - as you found the first time.
You need to prioritise your mental health. I would get DH on board before baby arrives - have a “meeting” with him, to thrash out a management plan.
I would recommend bottle feeding, with DH being responsible for alternate nights, so you get a full night’s sleep every second night. Formula milk forms a curd in baby’s stomach, keeping them feeling satisfied for a good four hours, so they tend to sleep longer between feeds anyway.
You and DH need to divide up the chores and the management of your toddler, too.
Plan ahead - stock the freezer with ready made meals, such as portions of home made stews and curries. This avoids cooking when you are exhausted, just throw one in the microwave.
Make sure your midwife is aware of your PND risk, and get the mental health team involved from the start.
With good planning, this time round should be a much happier experience for you, OP. My best wishes for a safe delivery and a nice easy first few months.

Ok your fears are normal. I was the exact same when I accidentally got pregnant with my second when my first was 13 months old and I had PTSD from birth trauma which turned into acute anxiety so I was absolutely terrified.

The baby is 3 months now and the experience has been completely different. I'm not as anal with rules as I was with the first. If I need to go to the loo or make lunch I feel ok to leave him in his crib for a few minutes. I would never have left my first on his own EVER. If his soother falls out of his mouth in his cot I pick it up and give it back to him, with my first I would have put it straight into the steriliser.

This time you'll know to bring the baby to a specialist to check for tongue tie from the start. I would recommend not putting pressure on yourself around breast feeding if it effected you so much last time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding, the baby needs you sane so whatever facilitates that is the best for baby.

The one thing that kept me going was saying to myself that my 2 year old is alive and healthy and happy- so even though I had a horrendous time I obviously did something right with him so I know that I'm a good Mom. If you did it once you can do it again!

Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your suggestions!

@pennysays, no one ever asks me what I want, sounds stupid but I really don’t know! Part of me just wants to spend time with my daughter and not have to deal with a newborn again, knowing how much I struggled. What I really would love, would be a support network but that’s just not our reality. I want my husband to be able to hear me, pay attention and act when I’m clearly sinking- he doesn’t. I spoke to him about it yesterday and he says ‘oh I’ll try to step up when you need rest, but it’s not just you’ honestly this conversation happens all the time, i feel like there is no try only do, and the ‘ill try and do xyz’ mentality is already a mental get of jail free card. If I see someone struggling, with whatever, I really feel for them and I want to help and relieve some burden however I can but he says he just doesn’t have empathy and sees it as someone going on about themselves too ouch. I just want him to hear and see me when I’m struggling. If I get anxious about things that aren’t too big of a deal he gets really angry and me and starts shouting which obviously makes it worse and then I end up In tears. It’s happened with a few work things, we wfh, and ever since losing my dad 3 months ago, sounds odd but I lost some confidence in my own decision making and I was getting overwhelmed and fretting (unduly of course) with something work wise and he just started getting irate with me.

I use headspace which is mindfullness, i think it’s helped a lot. I see a case worker for the perinatal mental health team and frankly she’s an embarrassment. I’ve had to tell her how to make referrals and how to use her teleconference software, the only thing she does is direct me to the nhs website for some resources, which as far as I’m concerned is one above ‘have a google’. She also doesn’t really believe I deal with anything mentally as I’m relatively confident (sometimes but actually not often) and have a stable job. I’m waiting for psychology but I’ve been waiting for 10 months now, most likely won’t see anyone until the new year. I think my anxious tendencies stem from child abuse but I’ve been told that there is no real help available for that.

@Babdoc I’ve planned a few things in advance, Dh won’t be at the birth due to childcare so I’ll have a doula and she’s well versed In tongue tie and I’ve found a reputable local practitioner with good reviews so we’ll try and get in to see her ASAP.
I’ve been making extra dinners for a while and putting them in the freezer.
I want to give myself permission this time to do whatever makes life easier in the moment (safely of course) I just don’t know how ill feel.

I don't know if this is viable for you financially, but could you line up a private lactation consultant and tongue tie practitioner now (there are plenty that do both) and get baby assessed by them as soon as you're home from hospital? To give an idea, I paid under £250 in London and the included dividing the tongue tie.

If I were to have a second that's what I would do so that I knew going into it I'd have the help I needed straight away and wouldn't be faced with pumping for another tongue tied baby.

On the days your DD is at nursery do not try to do any jobs. Nap whenever she does. Your partner will have to pick up the slack in terms of the house.

Did you try cosleeping last time? That saved my sanity in the end. The La Leche League book Sweet Sleep has fantastic advice on doing it safely and it can make everything so much more manageable. I genuinely thought I was going to die of sleep exhaustion and was hallucinating until I discovered cosleeping and it completely saved me.

Your partner sounds like an utter cockwomble and I have no idea why you can’t see how he is treating you as massively unfair and mentally abusive.

As for baby being a boy, I grew up with awful brothers, my dad was abusive and my partner was. My boy is the most amazing, kindest, wonderful best friend to me. Your boy will be wonderful because YOU are raising him.

@squee123 DD was a low birth weight so it wasn’t an option. Additionally our bed is super high off the floor and it’s got a weird memory foam topper so it’s not really a firm flat surface. I also found i was so anxious about it (when she did get bigger) that I just couldn’t sleep. Only one instance when she was really poorly at 1 we managed on a single mattress we put on the floor. I’m keeping the floor mattress and another option just in case. I’ll definitely be getting baby in for a TT assessment within the first few days. Luckily the hospital I’m booked at have a great infant feeding team with an IBLBC on staff so I plan on seeing her before leaving and getting her to look, see the state of the tie and get some tips on how to work around it short term and getting bub in ASAP. DDs reattached though which was a fucking nightmare.

@Clementineapples mental health wise he is a cockwomble, and he just doesn’t get it, but I think he has some real prejudice there in that area. In ‘every day’ life sans anything that requires empathy, he’s a lovely guy. Does way more than his fair share house wise and with DD, and is great to my mother (even when she’s a vile cow to him, which is all of the time as he’s a vile person by nature)

That sounds super stressful. The thing that helped me not be too terrified about cosleeping was an Owlet smart sock. It alerts you if their heartrate or oxygen saturation drop below a particular level. I've never had a false alarm, but reassuringly it did alert me on one occasion when he was poorly with a nasty cold and his oxygen saturation briefly dipped.

Not for everyone I know, but thought I'd mention it as I honestly think I would have had a complete breakdown without cosleeping to maximise my rest.

Re having a son - I have two sons, they are the best of friends. They really do love each other. I also have a brother (2 years older but still) and he has always had my back. We fought as kids but we are also mates and he's stood up to bullies for me, taught me how to drive (and smoke...I know!) and i am just generally glad to have him in my life. He used to tease me as a teen and we did have fall outs but if his mates ever did the same thing he wouldn't stand for it cos he's a decent guy. You've been unlucky but honestly brothers can be absolutely ace.

With that Gap OP I think it will definitely be hard for you. How many days does your OH work could he compress his hours so he is at home more?

If you need to formula feed and your baby sleeps better just do it OP. There is no rule book.

I had a really hard time with DS1, severe depression and awful sleep deprivation to the point of experiencing hallucinations. I was terrified when pregnant with DS2, I decided not to breastfeed and I think that was the best decision I ever made.
We all slept better, I felt more in control as I knew how much feed he'd taken and he didn't use me as a human dummy.
My partner was able to help more and I wasn't stuck on the sofa cluster feeding so DS1 didn't lose out too much.
Formula feeding meant I also found it easier to get out and about so I didn't feel as isolated.