I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with the new baby

[Nc4post99]

Please be kind.

DD is 25 months will be 26.5 when baby arrives.

I dont know if I’ll be able to cope. DH and I have 0 supportive and capable family around so it will be just us.

I had severe Pnd due to lack of sleep first time around. I was getting 2 hours sleep In 24 hrs until about 10 weeks and I just came undone. Everyone told me it was normal which made me feel even worse. (Sleep issues were caused by tongue tie btw). At the beginning DH tried to shift sleep, I’d ‘sleep’ 8-1am and then he’d sleep 1-7am for work. I could never sleep at 8pm everyone told me how important pumping is, so I’d pump at 10:30 when baby would feed. So I’d sleep 11- 1am and then it would be my shift with the baby who wouldn’t settle, same in the day, so I’d be up 1am- 11pm. I honestly started to unravel, i was having memory blackouts, wouldn’t eat or drink because then I’d have to use the loo and DD would cry (and everyone told me never let the baby cry), I’d have rage outbursts and cry all the time and I started thinking about taking my own life and putting DD up to adoption. I don’t think DH took me seriously and would often say ‘you and your precious sleep’ which made me feel horrendous and selfish when I was already struggling. When DD started sleeping and I had a 6 hr stretch of sleep this almost instantly melted away- I hadn’t realised how fundamentally damaging consistent sleep deprivation was psychologically and I refuse to feel bad for needing sleep as it’s a basic biological necessity. Last night DH suggested shift sleeping again and it instantly brought everything back and I’m terrified again. I can’t feel like that again.
We had feeding problems too, again tongue tie.
I’m worried I won’t be able to cope with a new baby and dd (who is absolutely lovely but obviously needs attention)

DC2 wasn’t planned, as I’d always said I’d want a larger age gap (ie 3/4 years). I’m just terrified.

We know Dc2 is a boy, and I know this sounds stupid and probably horrible but I really wanted another girl. I grew up with a very very violent brother and was terrified of him (he even tried attacked me during this pregnancy even though he’s in his 30s) so I think im a little afraid that ds would hurt me and his sister. Probably not rationale but truthfully it has been a blocker for me feeling excited.

I’ve not had the best time pregnancy wise, care has been pretty poor and I lost my father and never really got chance to deal with it. I don’t know if this is going to hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I’ve seen on social media people saying 2 year age gap only really possible with lots of help from family, if you don’t have that you’ll struggle… I don’t have that.

Truthfully how did others find it? Was it ‘that’ bad? Will I be ok?

(Also I did refer myself for perinatal MH support this time from my booking appointment, I’m still on the waiting list, but so far the ‘support’ has honestly been an embarrassment as it is so so poor)

@BunNcheese

With that Gap OP I think it will definitely be hard for you. How many days does your OH work could he compress his hours so he is at home more?

If you need to formula feed and your baby sleeps better just do it OP. There is no rule book.

Dh does full time 35 hrs a week he is permanently wfh and hrs have flex to them. He’s planning to take around 6 weeks off, basically from the end of of nov (whenever baby is born) til the new year. He does have to go to the office here and there but it’s normally a max of once per month.

He keeps on suggesting his mother coming around to help, but honest to god that’s another person to take care of. She used to watch dd 2 days per week but I had to condense my hours to because of how bad she is with her. So her being around would literally be the antithesis of help

@catchingzzzeds similar to me then! I don’t think anyone talks about this enough and there is no where near enough support for when breastfeeding is totally unsustainable, all there is are groups that prioritise breastfeeding above all else.

I was made to feel so so guilty about even considering formula during my first pregnancy, this time I want fo focus on what’s best at that moment in time.

[quote Nc4post99]@catchingzzzeds similar to me then! I don’t think anyone talks about this enough and there is no where near enough support for when breastfeeding is totally unsustainable, all there is are groups that prioritise breastfeeding above all else.

I was made to feel so so guilty about even considering formula during my first pregnancy, this time I want fo focus on what’s best at that moment in time.[/quote]
It sounds like the pumping was a big issue, I did it and it's a one way ticket to PND, in part due to the extra sleep deprivation. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life, I didn't enjoy the first few months of my much longed for baby's life and the effects lasted several years. I pumped a little bit with my second baby, I did manage to breastfeed until 9 months but I gave them more formula and they were much more settled. We were both much happier as a result. I would never pump every three hours around the clock ever again, there's no time for sleep and it affects your mental health. There is a lot of pressure to breastfeed in antenatal classes and from breastfeeding support groups. If it works, that's great. If not, prioritise your mental health.

[quote Nc4post99]@catchingzzzeds similar to me then! I don’t think anyone talks about this enough and there is no where near enough support for when breastfeeding is totally unsustainable, all there is are groups that prioritise breastfeeding above all else.

I was made to feel so so guilty about even considering formula during my first pregnancy, this time I want fo focus on what’s best at that moment in time.[/quote]
It's definitely not talked about enough, I suffered in silence for over a year. I was worried I'd have a different relationship with DS2 because I wasn't going to breastfeed instead I actually enjoyed his babyhood and we're as close as can be.
Do what's right for YOU, if you're ok you're children will be ok too.
I wish you all the very best

With your situation I’d formula feed. Mine was combi fed till 12 weeks then exclusively formula.

I actively chose to not breastfeed DD2 due to in comparison mild PND. Breastfeeding ruined DD1’s newborn days. I hated it. I was exhausted, stressed, in pain. I just wanted my body back. Call me selfish but both my children are happy, healthy and thriving at school/nursery. Let me tell you, once they are older, you don’t look around a classroom & wonder who was breastfed. Because ultimately it doesn’t matter. So long as they are fed & loved.

I loved my feeding journey with DD2. No PND. We’d snuggle up skin to skin & bottle feed. Have all the cuddles afterwards. Stress & worry free. It was just lovely. I didn’t need the milk to be coming from me to feel that love & bond & precious time.

If BF is important to you, then obviously you need to figure out how to make that work for you.. but if it isn’t, be confident in the decisions you make & f*ck anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Your baby, your body, your choice.

In terms of shift sleeping, with both babies me & my OH would do the following but alternate who did the bed early shift each day.

Me: Sleep 9pm-12am - my OH would feed DD around 11.30/12 and then bring her to bed. As such, she’d usually then do another couple hours. And I wouldn’t be woken until 2ish, so a decent run of sleep! Not always but it was usually quite helpful. My OH would then go sleep in the spare room until 6am. Then he’d come take DD & let me sleep until 7.30/8ish when he needed to leave for work. This was easier with DD2 as he was WFH cos covid.

It will be intense OP. I have family support but DD2 was born two days before lockdown last March & so I wasn’t allowed any help until June! And then it was on & off until they introduced bubbles when she was 9 months!

You’ll be OK. Please push for more support from your midwife. It’s awful you’ve had so little.

11 month age gap here OP. Yes you read that right. It is hard but it will pass. You need to look after yourself and your partner isn't facilitating that, it really does sound like you have a man problem. Can you get away for additional support? If my husband had shouted at me for napping during pregnancy I think I would have ripped his head off.

Mixed fed my first but bottle fed my second from birth, didn't even bother trying to breastfeed because for my mental and physical health I prioritised myself so that baby had a sane, present mother. No regrets, couldn't give a shit about other people's "judgement".

You know what @neveragains, pumping actually wasn’t that bad, yes it was fucking shit when it was drilled into me to never ever miss a feed or your milk will reduce bla bla bla but actually when I did pump the night feed (when we got into a good feeding place) it was nice, i had some time alone, could watch TV and then go to bed knowing DD had a full tum. The real problem was basically the gas lighting that came from all corners, getting hrs sleep a day, dd screaming the second she was put down for weeks, stagnent weight, hour long feeds every 2 hours and to be told it was all normal and to ‘feed feed feed’ - it’s not normal.

@Bobholll the care this time around has been very patchy, I’ve never seen the same person more than once, nothing is documented in my notes. This is unrelated but proves a point, i was put on aspirin as my first was sga, was put on it at 8 weeks (it’s meant to be 12 as before 12 can increase miscarriage but whatever) you’re meant to review when you’re close to term and since 32 weeks I’ve been asking and the reply is ‘I don’t know ask at your next appointment’ I’ve had it now from 4 separate midwives. I ended up calling triage who said to take it to the end, only by luck did an OB here and chastise the midwife for saying that as it increases chances of bleeding. Apparently there are very clear guidelines that state 12-36 weeks. With regards to the mental health support, it’s purely decorative to the extent that I worry about the women in real crisis situations being let down, yeah I’m a worrier and It sucks but there a lot more people way more vulnerable than me and they are being told to google things but a woman who can’t figure out zoom and doesn’t know her own referral process.

@CaMePlaitPas I’ve got no other avenues to explore for help. MIL, DD hates her- I’ve never witnessed anything like it, dd loves everyone else, including strangers in the street. My mother is not a very pleasant person so she’s out. It really is DH and I and it’s that lack of empathy- I don’t know how to get though to him, because nothing changes. I can tell him how it’s important but it’s in one ear out the other.

Sorry if it's been covered but I find cosleeping a really effective way to make sure everyone has enough rest. It's worked a treat for both my babies, and me and my husband too.

Some things that helped me.
When I was feeding a box to entertain ds that he could pull out and was filled with colouring things, games, small toys so he could cuddle up close.

Then accepting after a few weeks breastfeeding wasn’t working out and feeding all night and being sleep deprived was damaging my mental health.

Formula fed babies don’t necessarily sleep better. but if someone else takes a feed, you haven’t had to stay awake pumping it. It is truly a break. It is easier, as much as I was disappointed not to breast feed for longer than a few weeks. But it was for the best in my situation. Don’t rule out formula. Seeing how happy and healthy ds is I have no regrets switching now.

Your dp lack of empathy around sleep does worry me. Pregnancy already leaves you exhausted. Then birth. Followed by months of sleep depravation and breast feeding, I sometimes wonder why significant mental health problems aren’t even more prevalent in new mums.

Men forget this. And it maybe helpful to point out that traditionally women would have had more support around them from extended family.
He needs to step up.

Good luck

I had the same with feeding, my baby was low birth weight. Breastfeeding advisors said it was normal, it wasn't as there was no weight gain. Second time around I ignored it, I kept breastfeeding but I gave more formula (think seven ounces after a breastfeed, instead the two or three suggested with first baby as a top up). Baby was well fed, much more settled, much happier and because I was well rested, I actually had more milk. It wouldn't work for someone who was 100% set on breastfeeding at all costs, it did work for me as I wasn't bothered if it didn't work out, I just wanted to enjoy the baby second time around rather than being a stressed, upset, sleep deprived wreck who thought she couldn't get anything right and be a better mother to the baby. Stress and sleep deprivation affects your milk supply, ironically the answer is supposed to be more pumping (every three hours on the dot or more) leading to even more sleep deprivation. I found mine would not increase as I was so exhausted with first baby.

How are you doing @Nc4post99 ?

Hi @SunnyLeaf thanks for checking in. I wish I could say I felt differently, god I just feel like I’ve not thought this second baby through. I keep on getting unwell too, appendicitis, norovirus, colds, the flu and now sickness so that sucks. Instead of excitement there is just dread x x