Older cousin (single child) rejecting DD

[Orchidsndaffodils]

Hi everyone,

Some advice please: I'm a parent of a single child DD 2.5yo, and therefore have not learnt to deal with any sibling rivalry type situation.

DD has a 7yo girl cousin (M), also single child. We don't live in the same country, but I have had strong attachment before DD was born.
Then there was the early adjustment period, and then covid hit.
We only had a proper reunion recently.

In theory, both girls love each other and are very excited to have a cousin.
However, when it came to it, M struggled to share her toys, and to share attention with DD, and ended up banning both of us from her bedroom and toys.
There were multiple excuses about why DD was not allowed to touch her toys: she's going to break them, she's too young to know how to play with them properly, if she plays with them then M would have to tidy up after her.
DD ended up sobbing and refused to be in the same room as M without me being present for the rest of the trip.
Language barrier did not help (both only have partial mastery of the other girl's language), and I had to do a lot of interpreting as well as educating.

I can completely understand and feel M's frustration and hostility, but I'm struggling to think and act with clarity when my motherly protective instincts come up so strongly and all I want to do is be biased and fight for my daughter.

Could you help me get perspective please?
How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?
What messages would be helpful to give to each?
Any activities that would be enjoyable for a 2.5 and 7 yo to do together?

Thanks in advance.

This is totally normal. I have two girls and at 7, neither would have wanted a 2 year old in their room touching their things.
2 year olds are clumsy and to a 7 year old, full of risk.

When you next see the older cousin, bring something new/cheap that they can share and do together...such as a craft set each.

This will have the attraction of being new so the older child will be interested but there's no risk of her things being damaged as your 2 year old will have their own identical kit which you will need to help them do.

Any activities that would be enjoyable for a 2.5 and 7 yo to do together?
I can't think of a single one.

How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?

Just because they're related, they don't have to love or like each other. There's a massive age difference, a geographical distance, a language barrier and they didn't see each other.

You need to stop imbuing the relationship with all this importance and therefore pressure.

Swimming is nice. Maybe the zoo. The beach. There is very little for them to 'share' that they will both enjoy. Expect good behaviour and that's about all.

The perspective is that these are 2 small children who don’t really know each other and because of the age gap at this time will not be ‘natural’ friends or playmates . I’m sure as they get older they may find some common ground , in the meantime going to the beach /playground / farm park etc would probably make for an easier life .

Seems an awful lot of pressure on their relationship from you! Very tricky age gap - too big for them to play or have much in common yet not quite big enough for the older child to assume the motherly / humour the younger one role as she’s still slightly young for that.

You really need to back off. The age gap is extremely significant at their stages, and it's natural that they aren't the best of playmates right now. Just like with anyone else in the future, they will either be friends or they won't be. You can't force it so stop trying.

The younger one is basically going to be massively annoying to the older one.

Few seven-year-olds would enjoy playing with a two-year-old. The ones who do mostly treat them as living dolls, not actual playmates. Many toys that are appropriate for a seven-year-old are inappropriate or even dangerous for a two-year-old. M was probably correct that DD would would either break them or make a mess. They shouldn't have been left together unsupervised in the first place, both because M clearly didn't want to babysit your daughter, and because seven is much too young to be expected to watch a strange two-year-old.

“Any activities that would be enjoyable for a 2.5 and 7 yo to do together?”

Play doh, arts and crafts, stickers, painting something? playground?

When we have people round my DS is not allowed to say people can’t play with his toys. Guests can always play with whatever they want, and DS gets his fair turn on things too. i think the 7 year old should be challenged on her behaviour.

Completely understand M not wanting your 2 year old in her room. 2 year olds break things and mess stuff up. Our dc also wasn’t happy with children that age in their room which we totally respected especially after a friends child took apart an expensive Lego train set which we never did manage to put together again. With language as a barrier too it is going to be extremely difficult. I would suggest trips out on neutral ground and letting the older child have as much of their own space as needed as with their ages at the moment the are unlikely to get on.

I'm sorry OP but I think you may have to wait a bit. It's a very odd age gap for both of them and with a language barrier too, it sounds difficult.

I'm an only child too and have a cousin who's about 5 years younger. I hated hanging out with her and her family from age 8-16 as we were more or less forced together by her parents, and couldn't really form a friendship as our interests were so different because of our ages.

I also took very good care of all of my things whereas my cousin would just stomp in and touch/play/destroy things, which didn't help. However, my mum was very understanding and left it alone and kept my room as a safe space for me. Me and my cousin are now mid and late 20s, and despite not living in the same country for the majority of our lives, really good friends. We were allowed to form our own relationship as teens/adults and I'm so happy to have her as my friend (and I'm her bridesmaid for her upcoming wedding). Just give it some time OP.

The children are 2 and 7; they don't live in the same country so don't see each regularly; and they don't speak the same language. Really, why would the older one have any interest in the younger one? Just let them be around each other, don't force anything and let the 7yo have her own space. Over time they'll either enjoy each other's company or they won't - it's not something that you can manufacture.

Anything outside is about the only shared activity I could think of. 7 year olds have pride in their belongings, 2.5 year olds don't. As they get older, I'm sure it'll be different, but they are far enough apart in age that they won't be that interested ever in the same things

I think just being around each other for a trip is quite a pressured time for the girls.
It might be worth the 7 year olds mum preparing her and helping her select some toys that are less breakable to bring into the living room to play?
Days out like beach or zoo or park are activities they might enjoy together, being out and about takes the pressure of sharing a space together and they can get energy and frustration out running around. Art activities too. I have a 4 year age gap between my kids so not far off this and there is lots of things they like to do together, but they do need adults to help notice when one is getting fed up of the other and help them. I think it is unrealistic to expect them to get in all the time, especially as two single children who aren't used to having to compromise and share a space and attention.

An age gap of 5 years when you're 40 is nothing.
When you're under 20 it's massive.
Nothing to do with being an only child.
Asking a 7 year old to play nicely with a 2 year old, beyond being kind to them and letting them have a go at some of their non special toys is a non starter.

DS and his cousin have the same age gap. DS is doing ALevels, cousin is in yr7. That’s how big the gap really is. Would people really expect them to be friends and hang around together? Of course not. DS makes polite conversation about an game appropriate video game or offers a game of football (knowing this will be declined), then reads a book or conveniently gets a call or text from a friend “with an essay crisis”.

I think the suggestion about matching craft kits is great.

You never, ever let little siblings into older siblings rooms unless older sibling invites them of their own free will, spontaneously and without adult prompting.

Your 7 year old niece is completely right and you are completely wrong here.

My eldest child is 5 years older than my youngest (with one in between). A five year gap is a huge gap. They can have a lovely relationship but it is not an equal relationship until adulthood.

The only activities they can enjoy together at 7 and 2 are ones in which they can be given totally seperate parts of the same activity to do together and the 2 year old is closely supervised (baking is the most obvious).

My eldest played with my youngest at 2 and 7 but very much in the way an adult plays with a child, not as equal peers playing together. They never fought because they didn't have that sort of relationship; it was very clear dc1 was in a babysitter type roll. They've still never fought at 16 and 11. DC1 helped DC3 make his Halloween costume yesterday completely of their own accord - but its a completely different type of relationship to the equal relationship each of them has with DC2, who's close enough to both age wise.

That loving supervisory role is far too big an ask of your niece as an only child without the day to day experience of handling much younger siblings.

I have a 7 year old and a 2 year old. There are plenty of things they enjoy doing together! They play gymnastics, bounce on the trampoline, arts and crafts, play with train tracks, go out on there scooters together, digging in the garden. They both enjoy any outings we so. Swimming, park, farms, zoo. But, I do agree you cant really force it. My 7 year old also finds him incredibly annoying and does worry about him breaking her stuff. So if she doesn't want him in her room sometimes that's fine. Let the relationship grow naturally.

*role not roll

It all sounds very stressful and intense. Seriously you need to accept that sharing DNA on its own isn't going to create any affinity between people. That sort of bond if it happens comes from meaningful interactions between people and can take time.

You'd be better off setting up some sort of activity in a neutral space as you can't really blame the 7 year old for not wanting a toddler to ransack her space. Even if two siblings this age shared a room you'd try to have somewhere only the older one could access. Try to have realistic expectations of the older one, 7 is still young and some kids love doting on little ones and others aren't interested at all.

My DD is 3.5 and her cousin is 6.5 and we have some of these issues sometimes. It's getting better as they both mature with age and as they see each other more regularly too. I think regularity is really helpful but not an option for you. Definitely lower your expectations of the cousin though!

Also we've only just been able to leave DD with her cousin to play for really short stretches without her wanting me or DH in the room with her, this has just happened over the last couple of months - 2.5 is very young to be playing alone with another child that she doesn't really know well without the support of a parent.

In terms of activities, going out and about is probably your best bet but even then you need to be prepared to split them a lot as their needs and interests will be different. We often take the girls to parks, playgrounds, children's farms, museums, aquariums, Safari park etc. Even then we are often split with me with DD doing something and DH with her cousin doing something slightly different. This is partly because our DD is very clingy though...

For inside activities - story books (you read to them both or cousin could read?), play DOH/modelling clay/silly putty/slime, colouring/drawing, collage making, sticker books, bath together if the 7yr old feels ok with that, jigsaw puzzles (to do in parallel), baking...

My two have two older cousins and the only things they do together are play outdoors at the playground/on scooters or at softplay. The oldest cousin finds my 3.5yo to be a complete annoyance which is fine (he's 10), just providing he's not unkind it's ok for them to not get on.

@LeavesOffTheCactus

When we have people round my DS is not allowed to say people can’t play with his toys. Guests can always play with whatever they want, and DS gets his fair turn on things too. i think the 7 year old should be challenged on her behaviour.

Would you really let a 2 year old play with all a 7 year old’s toys?

If the 2 year old also wanted to play with something of yours would the same rule apply?

I have DN 14, DD10, DD8.

DN14 and DD10 have always got on well and played together (its a 3 3/4year gap). They had a lot of shared experiences growing up.

DN14 and DD8 however... DN likes her younger cousin, but they've never had much in common. She's always been the 'baby', the one struggling to keep up.

Your DD is a toddler. Her cousin is a child aspiring to be a big girl, there is little common ground before you get to the language difference.

Stuff that's suitable for both... playdoh, cake decorating, clay modelling, painting, treasure hunts, den making, swimming.