Older cousin (single child) rejecting DD

[Orchidsndaffodils]

Hi everyone,

Some advice please: I'm a parent of a single child DD 2.5yo, and therefore have not learnt to deal with any sibling rivalry type situation.

DD has a 7yo girl cousin (M), also single child. We don't live in the same country, but I have had strong attachment before DD was born.
Then there was the early adjustment period, and then covid hit.
We only had a proper reunion recently.

In theory, both girls love each other and are very excited to have a cousin.
However, when it came to it, M struggled to share her toys, and to share attention with DD, and ended up banning both of us from her bedroom and toys.
There were multiple excuses about why DD was not allowed to touch her toys: she's going to break them, she's too young to know how to play with them properly, if she plays with them then M would have to tidy up after her.
DD ended up sobbing and refused to be in the same room as M without me being present for the rest of the trip.
Language barrier did not help (both only have partial mastery of the other girl's language), and I had to do a lot of interpreting as well as educating.

I can completely understand and feel M's frustration and hostility, but I'm struggling to think and act with clarity when my motherly protective instincts come up so strongly and all I want to do is be biased and fight for my daughter.

Could you help me get perspective please?
How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?
What messages would be helpful to give to each?
Any activities that would be enjoyable for a 2.5 and 7 yo to do together?

Thanks in advance.

@LeavesOffTheCactus

When we have people round my DS is not allowed to say people can’t play with his toys. Guests can always play with whatever they want, and DS gets his fair turn on things too. i think the 7 year old should be challenged on her behaviour.

When you have people over are they allowed to touch everything you own too? What age will your child be allowed to decide what happened with their own belongings?

The 7yo is totally entitled to privacy and to her own belongings, there's nothing to challenge with her behaviour.

Realistically op there's too many factors involved for them to be able to bond. They don't even know each other.

Maybe when they are older they may bond a bit better, but for now just do neutral things like the park or crafts.

Also some girls that age are very keen to be “big girls” so can be quite rejecting and dismissive of anything that “drags them back” to babyhood/toddlerhood. Both my girls were a little like this at 7.

LeavesOffTheCactus that's a really terrible aporoach and will come back to bite you. Do all other adults who come into your home, including people you haven't chosen such as your partner's friends, have free access to everything of yours including your car, your jewelry, things of sentimental value or things you consider essential? Why exactly does your child have absolutely no right to privacy and personal possessions?

Children who are forced to share absolutely everything, including things they're in the middle of playing long term games with, breakable things and their favourite toys are usually the most possessive, defensive, acquisitive ones who resist sharing spontaneously later.

It's ok not to share everything - adults never do, yet they expect their children to live in an utterly selfless perfect communist utopia.

I was the older cousin in this situation

I disliked being expected to 'play' with someone with whom I had nothing in common. It was boring and annoying.

My mum even gave away some of my toys to younger cousin

I know it's childish but it cut really deep

I used to hide my favourite toys so she wouldn't give them away

You're being too precious and need to look at it from the older cousin's perspective.

And as for PP forcing their kids to share, that may be well meant but it's very misguided.

LeavesOffTheCactus

When we have people round my DS is not allowed to say people can’t play with his toys. Guests can always play with whatever they want

They aren’t really his toys then are they? They are your toys that he and your guests are allowed to play with.

Best bet is to take them out. Park, walk in the woods, see the ducks, city farm, museums and even library. I did a lot of this with my dc and their cousins. There’s a 9 yr age gap between the youngest and the eldest but they all get on and love seeing each other.
There are activities that they can do alongside each other, but not together at that age like crafts, play doh, drawing, baking (separately with a bowl each and extra supervision for 2yr old)
Don’t expect them to share and give them their own stuff.
Will the 2 yr old sit through a film? They can watch something together. It’s nice to do after being out and they want to rest and eat.

They are essentially strangers and at very different ages development wise. Long term they may form a strong bond but you can't expect too much this visit.

I’d certainly make sure there was a selection of toys out that they could play with. Maybe I’ll think differently when I have a 7 year old… but certainly my DS’ older cousins let him play with anything so I think kids can learn to be ok with other kids playing with their stuff. Depends what they play with though - I can understand not wanting a younger relative to smash your amazing Lego construction so you’d put it out of reach.

How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?

To echo other posters - it's pretty clear they DON'T love each other. Just because they share a % of DNA does not guarantee they will even like each other, or want to have a relationship with each other.

I think you have this idealistic perception of cousins being best buddies, always together, super close. That's far from the norm and the sooner you adjust your expectations, everyone will be happier.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Like I said in my previous post maybe I’ll change my mind when he’s 7. At the moment it’s not an issue that we’ve had to confront as he doesn’t mind people playing with his toys (he’s 3.5) but I’m sure a 7yo has more of a sense of autonomy and privacy.

“ Why exactly does your child have absolutely no right to privacy and personal possessions?” quite a leap to get from what I said to “no right to privacy and personal possessions” in my opinion. Surely the logical thing would be to make sure there’s something that the 2.5 year old in the OP’s post CAN play with, which would probably involve some sort of conversation with the 7yo to the effect of “you don’t have to share everything but what CAN your cousin play with?”. I know what people are saying - 7 year olds need some personal possessions that are special to them but surely that can’t apply to everything. I know adults that are really funny about their stuff and won’t share or lend anything.

Your neices bedroom is her safe place and of course she won't want you or her cousin in it.
My children hated it when their younger cousin would take / touch / breathe on their stuff. She was usually backed up by her attentive mother or grandmother who would demand my children let their toddler cousin have a turn with their stuff, then tell them not to be so silly when it got damaged or scratched.

@LeavesOffTheCactus

When we have people round my DS is not allowed to say people can’t play with his toys. Guests can always play with whatever they want, and DS gets his fair turn on things too. i think the 7 year old should be challenged on her behaviour.

I think that's awful. Teaching a child that the most precious things they have (in their mind) are a free for all when people come round. How's that setting them up to not be walked all over as adults? We'll mummy made me let Bobby play with (and possibly break) my stuff as a kid, so I must let bully have what he wants.

How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?“

Honestly, you’re expecting way too much. They don’t love each other, they’re strangers. Love takes time and presence to build.
The best you can expect from cousin atm is consideration for a younger child.

Do things outside. It isn't fair on the older child to have the younger potentially wrecking her things, no matter how careful they may be. This is a massive age gap.

I think I'd go with asking the 7yo to 'help' DD with things rather than wanting them to play together. Acknowledge she's a grown up girl who can teach DD things and she'll probably rise to the challenge, she clearly doesn't see DD as a playmate because of the age difference.

Once DD is a bit older she'll stop being so much of a threat to her and they'll most likely get on great.

Outside activities, farms,playgrounds etc.

Inside, colouring, baking, crafts , play doh, pretend cooking /roleplays , the older one could read to the little one, play with things that are sturdy but outside of her bedroom.

The main thing is to not impose your DD's presence on your niece's time or space.

My 7 year old DS would have been very upset by anyone playing with certain things he took real pride in, other things he'd be fine about. I think you have to listen to the 7 year old if you want to avoid resentment.

I would put away contentious toys, buy a shared activity or go out somewhere neutral. I get your protectiveness but it's important that you understand the 7 year old is being completely normal, they are her things, and your child will be similar at 7!

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

Outside activities, farms,playgrounds etc.

Inside, colouring, baking, crafts , play doh, pretend cooking /roleplays , the older one could read to the little one, play with things that are sturdy but outside of her bedroom.

The main thing is to not impose your DD's presence on your niece's time or space.

This is good advice. Keep your DD out of her cousins room unless she's invited in.

Thanks for all your input! Really appreciate the time and passion you guys are putting into replying.

It's interesting some of the comments about them sharing DNA and not loving each other.
First they don't share DNA because M was a surrogacy baby using my sibling's partner's sperm. So they actually don't share any DNA at all.
The other thing is I would describe their current relationship as maybe comparable to when you've been internet dating (they've been seeing each other on FaceTime a lot) and finally meeting up for real, and realising what it's like to share a space for real and for more than 20min.
They love the idea of each other. But many of you who said they are still strangers have hit it on the head. They need to get to know each other better. They do both really want to engage. M is a very sociable person and happily talks to people of all ages.

Some of you mentioned that some parental intervention would help M choose which non special toys she could share and generally prepare her to interact with a younger person. Both her parents work full time, very long hours, and therefore when we visit, during week days, it is just us 3 and a nanny who mostly cleans, and definitely does not have much of an educator role. So I am the parent in those situations, hence why I needed more pointers to do the educating on both children, as I am clearly clueless at the moment!

It was very helpful to hear I am expecting too much, especially of M. I'm taking that on board.
Also to hear that M's private space should be respected. I definitely did emphasise to both children that they need to ask the other before taking their toys (as M would just take DD's toys without asking).
I think some relaxed interactions outdoors and separate crafts activities will slowly provide them with an environment to enjoy playing alongside each other!
Thanks again!

Oh ye gods poor M Not because of you Orchidsndaffodils - its positive that you're listening to input and so hands on, but what's M's life like when you're not there (which is obviously 99% of her life)?

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Oh ye gods poor M Not because of you Orchidsndaffodils - its positive that you're listening to input and so hands on, but what's M's life like when you're not there (which is obviously 99% of her life)?

Yes it's very hard to have 2 parents so committed to their careers and not available most of the time.

It means she started with a deficit in her attention pot even before DD came along.
It means she has learnt that the high number of toys she has is a representation of her parents' love for her (as time can't be).
It means that she doesn't have much adult input into addressing her emotions.
It means that when she sees DD's relationship with me, she has feelings of injustice about why she hasn't had that.

All quite difficult and delicate to navigate really. And I feel like a big elephant stomping in a china shop!

@EmilyEmmabob

I think I'd go with asking the 7yo to 'help' DD with things rather than wanting them to play together. Acknowledge she's a grown up girl who can teach DD things and she'll probably rise to the challenge, she clearly doesn't see DD as a playmate because of the age difference.

Once DD is a bit older she'll stop being so much of a threat to her and they'll most likely get on great.

I like this idea of creating complicity with M by asking her to help with DD. Will use that!

@ILiveInSalemsLot

Best bet is to take them out. Park, walk in the woods, see the ducks, city farm, museums and even library. I did a lot of this with my dc and their cousins. There’s a 9 yr age gap between the youngest and the eldest but they all get on and love seeing each other. There are activities that they can do alongside each other, but not together at that age like crafts, play doh, drawing, baking (separately with a bowl each and extra supervision for 2yr old) Don’t expect them to share and give them their own stuff. Will the 2 yr old sit through a film? They can watch something together. It’s nice to do after being out and they want to rest and eat.

So helpful!

DD won't watch a movie but would watch endless episodes of Peter Rabbit.

M spends a lot of time on her iPad watching my little pony.

@Feelingofftoday

I was the older cousin in this situation

I disliked being expected to 'play' with someone with whom I had nothing in common. It was boring and annoying.

My mum even gave away some of my toys to younger cousin

I know it's childish but it cut really deep

I used to hide my favourite toys so she wouldn't give them away

You're being too precious and need to look at it from the older cousin's perspective.

And as for PP forcing their kids to share, that may be well meant but it's very misguided.

M's parents have given DD some of her (old toys) which I think is going to be an issue when they come to visit and M sees them.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with that when they come?

@MsTSwift

Also some girls that age are very keen to be “big girls” so can be quite rejecting and dismissive of anything that “drags them back” to babyhood/toddlerhood. Both my girls were a little like this at 7.

There was definitely some of that.

M does have a mothering instinct, and lots of empathy, but the lack of attention she gets normally overrides that I think.