Older cousin (single child) rejecting DD

[Orchidsndaffodils]

Hi everyone,

Some advice please: I'm a parent of a single child DD 2.5yo, and therefore have not learnt to deal with any sibling rivalry type situation.

DD has a 7yo girl cousin (M), also single child. We don't live in the same country, but I have had strong attachment before DD was born.
Then there was the early adjustment period, and then covid hit.
We only had a proper reunion recently.

In theory, both girls love each other and are very excited to have a cousin.
However, when it came to it, M struggled to share her toys, and to share attention with DD, and ended up banning both of us from her bedroom and toys.
There were multiple excuses about why DD was not allowed to touch her toys: she's going to break them, she's too young to know how to play with them properly, if she plays with them then M would have to tidy up after her.
DD ended up sobbing and refused to be in the same room as M without me being present for the rest of the trip.
Language barrier did not help (both only have partial mastery of the other girl's language), and I had to do a lot of interpreting as well as educating.

I can completely understand and feel M's frustration and hostility, but I'm struggling to think and act with clarity when my motherly protective instincts come up so strongly and all I want to do is be biased and fight for my daughter.

Could you help me get perspective please?
How can I help the girls enjoy their love for each other unencumbered by their insecurities?
What messages would be helpful to give to each?
Any activities that would be enjoyable for a 2.5 and 7 yo to do together?

Thanks in advance.

Just allow M to be . You're coming from a good place but she's a small kid with a lot of responsibility (herself since her parents aren't around a lot). Even without that, would you expect so much from her if she wasn't related? Just a friend's kid, or a random kid at the park?

Let her choose how she joins in, how she interacts with you and DD. Make it clear that there's a space and love for her ,but she has a choice.

And remember, that you will leave and the more she gets attached and used to your and DD's presence , the more you are a part of her routine/space the harder it will be. Odds are she's protecting herself for when things go back to normal.

@MeadowHay

My DD is 3.5 and her cousin is 6.5 and we have some of these issues sometimes. It's getting better as they both mature with age and as they see each other more regularly too. I think regularity is really helpful but not an option for you. Definitely lower your expectations of the cousin though!

Also we've only just been able to leave DD with her cousin to play for really short stretches without her wanting me or DH in the room with her, this has just happened over the last couple of months - 2.5 is very young to be playing alone with another child that she doesn't really know well without the support of a parent.

In terms of activities, going out and about is probably your best bet but even then you need to be prepared to split them a lot as their needs and interests will be different. We often take the girls to parks, playgrounds, children's farms, museums, aquariums, Safari park etc. Even then we are often split with me with DD doing something and DH with her cousin doing something slightly different. This is partly because our DD is very clingy though...

For inside activities - story books (you read to them both or cousin could read?), play DOH/modelling clay/silly putty/slime, colouring/drawing, collage making, sticker books, bath together if the 7yr old feels ok with that, jigsaw puzzles (to do in parallel), baking...

So good to hear from someone who has been living through it first hand!

Thanks for the encouragement.

We are trying some kind of regularity - every month or 2, alternating.

Stories would be so good, so I'm going to up my game with Z's French as it is currently insufficient to enjoy a full story in French, and M has been struggling for 4 years to learn English with little success.

Will definitely try puzzles and sticker books as well!

Orchidsndaffodils can you talk to your brother honestly about considering a different type of nanny? One who can take a much more nurturing role? This poor little girl must have an attachment disorder surely.