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Original poster

Ex husband and family dog - what would you do?

61 replies

courtrai · 26/10/2021 08:35

So exH and I split 3 years ago. We have 2 DC - 18 & 16. He is quite frankly a woeful father. Initial plan (suggested by ExH) was 50:50 split for kids and family dog who is 8y/o so was very much a family pet who we got mainly for my DS who had at the time been struggling and was subsequently picked up as dyslexic

18 y/o was kicked out of her dads house twice and has now chosen to be estranged from him for 20 months.

16 y/o was kicked out by him in September.

Both are now fully resident with me.

16 y/o is desperate to see the dog. We had her for a day a couple of weeks back - picked her up and dropped her back as arranged. But now exH is refusing to let us have her.

ExH's witch of a mother tells me it's because I've got the kids and the dog is all he has left. They fail to realise at 18 and 16 the kids are choosing this living arrangement after he kicked both of them out (he failed to tell her this part)

I cannot fathom why he'd want to cause further upset to his kids. I'm torn between just going and taking the dog which will hugely inflame already dreadful relationships or just letting it go which is breaking my 16 y/o's heart.

What would you do?

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/10/2021 09:05

It's such a difficult dilemma. Is there any chance that you could get a new dog?

Monsterpumpkins · 26/10/2021 09:08
Confused New ddog omg really? Turn up and collect the ddog of you think that is physically possible. Have you microchip details? Vet receipts etc?
Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:17

Someone had suggested getting a new dog already but although it would be a distraction it wouldn't be the boy's dog - he is incredibly bonded to her.

Plus on a selfish note I'm hoping that in a few years both DC's will leave home and I'll be responsibility free. I really don't think I can commit to another 15 years of dog ownership at this point of my life

I have been toying with what could happen if I just took her; pretty sure he'd report me for theft but equally I'm pretty sure the police wouldn't be interested in someone stealing their own dog to spend time with their kids.... proof of ownership isn't an issue. It would however be like pressing the nuclear button

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romdowa · 26/10/2021 09:19

Id go get your dcs dog , let him go nuclear all he wants.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 26/10/2021 09:20

Whose details are on the microchip? Whose details is the dog registered under at the vet?

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/10/2021 09:23

In that case then I'd just get the DDog. How nuclear do you think he will go?

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:25

I'm pretty sure the microchip is registered to me. The vet is one we've used since she was a pup so they'd have both out mr details.

She was a pup from my brothers dog so ownership isn't an issue.

I have a feeling it's his final element of control and he's choosing to exercise that. Odious little man

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 26/10/2021 09:25

First of all... a beloved dog is as irreplaceable as a child. So 'another' dog is not the answer.
I completely identify with you not wanting the longterm commitment of another dog when the kids are the ages they are.. and there is a great big world out there for all of you!!
From what you have said this is the measure of the man... but I get that he might actually live the dog too...?
Not as a replacement but could you consider fostering a dog or finding out if there is anyone in the area needing a dog walked?
The loss of a dog is heartbreaking.

Bonbon21 · 26/10/2021 09:27

I have just read your last post... check the details with the vet and then go get your dog.
Shit of a man!

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/10/2021 09:27

I have a feeling it's his final element of control and he's choosing to exercise that. Odious little man

That sounds like exactly what's going on.

Figgygal · 26/10/2021 09:28

Definitely just go take the dog (not sure the practicalities of how you get your hands on it but if you can do it)

EdgeOfTheSky · 26/10/2021 09:31

What would the nuclear button entail? What more is there to lose?

He doesn’t see the kids, they don’t want to see him, their student loans will be assessed in your income as you are a single household, if he still pays CM for the 16 yo that can be fought for legally.

So what is to be lost?

But how would you actually get the dog?

Piggy42 · 26/10/2021 09:34

Can your 16 year old go and visit then take the dog for a long walk….

Quartz2208 · 26/10/2021 09:35

What if anything do you still need from him? I assume there is no way back for either child and the dog is registered to you - so get it.

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:35

Thank you all - I l wanted a sense check that I wasn't being an utter cow.

So far as I'm concerned, as a family pet, the dog should really be available to the kids. ExH does love her, that I'm sure of, but as an adult and father I think he needs to consider his kids in this.

I've logged into chip company and yes she is registered to me. Im going to speak with DS when he wakes up about what we do. I'm away next week so realistically cannot take her long term right now (I've asked ExH if we could take her for a day which he's refused).

I'm minded to just collect her when we return home. He has a business premises where she is during the day so is unlikely to 'kick off' with clients there. Honestly I don't know what he thinks he's doing here. His kids are going to remember this for a very long time. I despair

OP posts:
BlowDryRat · 26/10/2021 09:37

Just take the dog. Let him go nuclear. What's he actually going to do?

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 26/10/2021 09:37

If you can prove the dog is yours technically it’s theft of an animal ex husband or not.

It is ALL about control.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 26/10/2021 09:39

Local authority dog warden
Given them the microchip details.
They can go to the premises……

Who pays for insurance , vet, etc?

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/10/2021 09:41

Get the dog if you can. There is no relationship to save here.

gogohm · 26/10/2021 09:41

These are adults or nearly so can understand that refusing to have contact with their father (what did they do to get kicked out?) does have consequences, can they not negotiate visiting him and the dog? I share custody of my ddog. It's not really something for you to insist but I can see his point, whatever has happened

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2021 09:41

Yeah take the dogs, it's YOUR dog legally and the police won't be interested

But do it really manipulatively - be really polite, say you're so sorry - son not sleeping/crying every night. Just one short walk together....

Then fuck off with dog and block

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:43

Insurance has always been paid by me but dog has been more and more resident with him as he can take her to work with him during day and DS was living predominantly with ExH until
September. I've always considered her to be DS's dog really although technically she is family pet

I don't know why I'm worried about nuclear option. He lays no maintenance and has no contact with kids. I'm hoping if he tried to report me for theft the police would give him very short shrift

OP posts:
Muttly · 26/10/2021 09:45

He is probably punishing the kids for their perceived slights to his ego. Odious man indeed. If he has no hold over you in any other way that he could leverage I would consider taking him to small claims court and getting an order. My only consolation if I were in your shoes is that he has the pleasure of living inside that odious head of his everyday whereas you have all been able to get away.

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:45

@LaurieFairyCake

Yeah take the dogs, it's YOUR dog legally and the police won't be interested

But do it really manipulatively - be really polite, say you're so sorry - son not sleeping/crying every night. Just one short walk together....

Then fuck off with dog and block

Oh believe me he gives no shits about this. I've asked him to show some compassion to his son and his reply was 'if you want a dog buy your own. Don't ask again'
OP posts:
Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 09:47

@Muttly

He is probably punishing the kids for their perceived slights to his ego. Odious man indeed. If he has no hold over you in any other way that he could leverage I would consider taking him to small claims court and getting an order. My only consolation if I were in your shoes is that he has the pleasure of living inside that odious head of his everyday whereas you have all been able to get away.
Totally this. At some point he, or someone else, will question why both kids have chosen to go NC. He will end up a very lonely sad little man. I'm sure I'll be squarely blamed but I abdicated all responsibility for him 3 years back. Best decision I ever made
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