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Original poster

Ex husband and family dog - what would you do?

61 replies

courtrai · 26/10/2021 08:35

So exH and I split 3 years ago. We have 2 DC - 18 & 16. He is quite frankly a woeful father. Initial plan (suggested by ExH) was 50:50 split for kids and family dog who is 8y/o so was very much a family pet who we got mainly for my DS who had at the time been struggling and was subsequently picked up as dyslexic

18 y/o was kicked out of her dads house twice and has now chosen to be estranged from him for 20 months.

16 y/o was kicked out by him in September.

Both are now fully resident with me.

16 y/o is desperate to see the dog. We had her for a day a couple of weeks back - picked her up and dropped her back as arranged. But now exH is refusing to let us have her.

ExH's witch of a mother tells me it's because I've got the kids and the dog is all he has left. They fail to realise at 18 and 16 the kids are choosing this living arrangement after he kicked both of them out (he failed to tell her this part)

I cannot fathom why he'd want to cause further upset to his kids. I'm torn between just going and taking the dog which will hugely inflame already dreadful relationships or just letting it go which is breaking my 16 y/o's heart.

What would you do?

OP posts:
SpookyPumpkinPants · 26/10/2021 09:55

I would go & collect your dog, no hesitation!

Make sure the vets know & say he no longer has any rights/say over the dogs care etc.

You have your answer if he complains he wants to see the dog...

'if you want a dog buy your own. Don't ask again'

His problem that he won't play nice with shared care of the dog.

Muttly · 26/10/2021 10:02

At some point he, or someone else, will question why both kids have chosen to go NC.

Very unlikely he sounds like he lacks the humanity and he is likely to keep others in his sphere who will back him up in this.

He will end up a very lonely sad little man.

If the universe is in equilibrium; definitely.

I'm sure I'll be squarely blamed

Probably, he sounds like a weak character who is incapable of facing up to his character flaws and weaknesses.

but I abdicated all responsibility for him 3 years back. Best decision I ever made

Good for you. You sound like you massively have the measure of him and your kids do too now. That is very sad for them because both you and they deserved better but it is better facing and dealing with reality than being constantly confused by a person who refuses to be a good person.

SolasAnla · 26/10/2021 10:35

What do you want to teach your child about leaving a relationship which has broken down and become abusive?

What should the child be willing to have to sacrifice to walk away?

What should the child be forced to accept as a personal cost for the choice he has made?

Is it better to walk away and mourn and reconcile to the outcome or to leave with a tie which keeps the relationship going in a very destructive way?

How should the child assess the value of that tie (child, pet, property etc)?

What do you want your child to bring into future relationships?

You are left picking up the pieces of and paying the price of XH decision but how would you advice your child if he was you?

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LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2021 10:48

Steal dog at night when he lets it out

Go to CMS for maintenance

He shouldn't get away with any of this shit Angry

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/10/2021 11:33

You can indeed take him to the small claims court and if the judgement does go in your favour, request a warrant of delivery but it could take a long time and will cost. There again, you could always offset the cost by applying for CMS Grin

How are you actually planning on getting the DDog back?

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 11:44

@PanicBuyingSprouts

You can indeed take him to the small claims court and if the judgement does go in your favour, request a warrant of delivery but it could take a long time and will cost. There again, you could always offset the cost by applying for CMS Grin

How are you actually planning on getting the DDog back?

Rather fortunately my DP is a solicitor (although not a specialist in dog ownership!). If I thought legal intervention would be useful I'd go down that route. However ExH is very self righteous and chooses to ignore such matters (when I did attempt maintenance claim it was subject to legal recovery and now I just don't bother).

I've 2 choices - either take the dog from his place of work where there will be witnesses (this is my preferred so he cannot touch me and I cannot be accused of threatening behaviour) or take her from his house (would need one of kids to do this do not ideal)

OP posts:
Muttly · 26/10/2021 11:47

Solas they are really good questions abd yours is an excellent post. And they genuinely are the nub of the issue the OP has to address. When relationships are toxic it often comes at an enormous cost to leave but certainly from my experience participating in your own abuse by staying in the sphere of influence of an abuser is ten times worse. OP I think addressing Solas’s questions is really fundamental to determining how much energy you can afford to expend on this situation. Only you can decide when your limit is reached.

Puppermam · 26/10/2021 11:48

Who can provide the better home for the dog? If he can take it to work with him does that mean the dog will be left home alone all day if you have it?

HeartsAndClubs · 26/10/2021 11:54

TBH I think you need to let the dog go.

he’s able to take it to work, it sounds as if he is better placed to look after the dog. As hard as it is for the kids, the reality is that they’ve left the relationship with him, and having to leave the dog is a part of that.

The kids are 18 and 16, the 18 YO will presumably be off to uni in the next year and the 16 YO will follow shortly after, and as he’s the better bet for the dog it would be better to leave it with him. IMO.

Talk of stealing a dog back, going to court etc is only going to cost you money and there is no guarantee the court will find in your favour esp if he is able to prove that he can provide the dog with the better home.

But personally I don’t agree with joint ownership of animals after a divorce. An animal is IMo part of one household, and when the couple splits the dog should remain a member of one household.

Mojoj · 26/10/2021 12:11

Get your dog!!!

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 12:36

@Puppermam

Who can provide the better home for the dog? If he can take it to work with him does that mean the dog will be left home alone all day if you have it?
This is as the rationale as to why he had her the bulk of the time, she was usually resident with our son and I was office based.

Post covid my work base is 80% home. I don't necessarily want full 'residency' of the dog but don't see why the kids aren't allowed to have access. We picked her up couple of weeks back and had her for the afternoon, dropping her back as agreed. He's now changed goalposts as 'punishment' to the kids and I really don't think that's fair on them

OP posts:
Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 12:57

@SolasAnla

What do you want to teach your child about leaving a relationship which has broken down and become abusive?

What should the child be willing to have to sacrifice to walk away?

What should the child be forced to accept as a personal cost for the choice he has made?

Is it better to walk away and mourn and reconcile to the outcome or to leave with a tie which keeps the relationship going in a very destructive way?

How should the child assess the value of that tie (child, pet, property etc)?

What do you want your child to bring into future relationships?

You are left picking up the pieces of and paying the price of XH decision but how would you advice your child if he was you?

All of these are salient points however the reality is that even though they don't have direct contact with their father due to wider family ties they will never be able to truly cut him out of their lives. The ongoing denial of access just makes their relationship with him even harder and more strained. I'd very much like them to have a better relationship with him, it would make my life an awful easier and share some of the parenting burden

I've already exerted more energy on the silly man than I ever intended

OP posts:
Chelyanne · 26/10/2021 13:11

You need to think of the dog too.
Will there be someone who can be with the dog during the day or will she be left alone for long periods.
Yes children may be heartbroken but they can get over that pretty easily given time. A dogs quality of life changing by being left alone is not fair on the dog. They can ask to visit more if they miss the dog so much, no need to live there.

EdgeOfTheSky · 26/10/2021 13:12

If you take the dog back, will he then attempt a counter reclaim? And how bad could that be for the kids?

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 13:15

@Chelyanne

You need to think of the dog too. Will there be someone who can be with the dog during the day or will she be left alone for long periods. Yes children may be heartbroken but they can get over that pretty easily given time. A dogs quality of life changing by being left alone is not fair on the dog. They can ask to visit more if they miss the dog so much, no need to live there.
I disagree - it's not like the dog has died and they can't see her anymore. They're being denied access by their own dad. For no other reason than because he says so. They're not welcome at his house, he made them give up their keys when he kicked them out
OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 26/10/2021 13:18

It could cost you a few £00s but would it be worth sending a solicitor’s letter, saying the dog is yours: came from your bro, microchipped in your name, insured by you, and considered a pet of Ds2, and that you demand weekend access to the dog? Or f/t residency if the dog and he gets access once a week?

If you take the dog, will he attempt to snatch it back? In a way that would be very distressing for the kids? A solicitor’s letter could make him think twice?

Chelyanne · 26/10/2021 13:23

A dog may legally be a possession but any good dog owner will not see them as one.
My point is you all need to factor in the dogs needs as well as your own here.

2bazookas · 26/10/2021 13:28

I'd get another dog and not look back.

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 13:30

Don't just take the dog. Your sons upset but he's 16 and old enough to upset. The dog isn't going to understand why it's been taken away from its home, routine, etc.

If your ex won't be rational I think you have to think about what's right for the dog, not just the kids.

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 13:35

@Chelyanne

A dog may legally be a possession but any good dog owner will not see them as one. My point is you all need to factor in the dogs needs as well as your own here.
If anything we're probably better set up dog-wise. We're rural with garden whereas he's in town with no outside space. She ended up with him more by default than design as he was taking her to work at his shop and son was choosing to be with him majority of the week.

Covid has changed my work pattern and now both kids are with me 24/7

I was happy with the relaxed approach we'd had previously. In all honestly I'd be happy with him having a structured and fair contact pattern with our kids and us having the same with the dog as I fail to see why we can't have her for a day a week or so. But that's his decision.

DS is heartbroken- in a little over a month he's lost contact with his dad and now his dog. It's all so unnecessary

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 26/10/2021 13:44

Why did his dad throw him out?

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 13:54

@HeartsAndClubs

Why did his dad throw him out?
It's ridiculous really- he'd missed the bus for school one day, his father dolled out a harsh punishment (in my opinion) which included being grounded. DS didn't comply, they had a huge row and ExH demanded keys back, packed up his stuff and turfed him out. A ridiculous overreaction. He's not an angel but really I don't know how this came about
OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2021 14:02

Well I'd go with taking her from his place of work - I'd say your son is outside and wants to go for a quick walk the dog

Then keep her and under no circumstances let her go back there - he overreacts horribly to your son - if he is so cruel to not even let them see her it's entirely possible if you went the legal route he'd just dispose of the dog

Original poster
courtrai · 26/10/2021 14:10

@LaurieFairyCake

Well I'd go with taking her from his place of work - I'd say your son is outside and wants to go for a quick walk the dog

Then keep her and under no circumstances let her go back there - he overreacts horribly to your son - if he is so cruel to not even let them see her it's entirely possible if you went the legal route he'd just dispose of the dog

I suspect there may be some underlying mental health issue. He's told his parents untruths about the whole situation (he called DC an idiot after missing bus and DS moved out). I don't know that he can even be honest with himself.

That said his parents say 'if the kids can't be bothered to see him, he says why should he let them see the dog'. Erm.... he's a father, he should be trying to resolve this situation surely rather than inflaming it? I'm not dealing with terribly bright people here

OP posts:
Puppermam · 26/10/2021 15:19

He's now changed goalposts as 'punishment' to the kids and I really don't think that's fair on them

He's acting like a dick, but you have to think about what's best for the dog. Your dc aren't babies, they should understand the dogs needs come first. I don't think that going and getting the dog from his place of work is going to be great for the dog if it leads to a confrontation and unless you're intending to never give it back then you will have this issue next time you want to see the dog as well. You could try a solicitor, it sounds as though the dog is your legal property but the police aren't going to be interested.

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