At Breaking Point With Breastfeeding :(

[MintGreenLife]

My DS is almost 15 weeks and I’m struggling so much with breastfeeding. We have two issues going on, and despite having his tongue tie snipped and support arranged by the HV, things haven’t improved at all and I’m finding it so hard.

One of the issues is how long he feeds for. He’s never faster than 40 mins, average is an hour, but he can feed for you to an hour and a calf at a time. I feel like all I’m doing is feeding him. Monday was particularly bad and I fed him for a total of 8.5 hours (am keeping a feeding diary to help me figure out what’s going on). Last night he fed from 12.45am, and after an hour spent just on one side I dared to try and unlatch him so I could get some sleep. He woke up right away and cried until I put him on the other side, and it was gone 2am by the time he had finished. I spend several hours in the night feeding snd it’s completely exhausting.

He also fusses while feeding quite often during the day. This started happening when he was 6 weeks old, and can happen anything from once to twice a day, or all day for every feed. He latches on and off every 10 seconds or so, sometimes crying in between, sometimes beating his fists into me and scratching at my chest. Some days it can be a battle just to get a decent feed into him. I can’t workout why this is happening, but sometimes rocking and feeding at the same time helps to get him back on track.

I desperately want to keep breastfeeding, but I don’t know how we can carry on like this. It’s really starting to take its toll now 😢 I do also feel like at what point does it actually become irresponsible to choose to exclusively breastfeed him when we’re both having such a bad time with it!

What support has the HV arranged? It sounds like you need some good experienced/qualified support but this is a bit of a postcode lottery on the NHS.

I'm sorry, it sounds extremely stressful and difficult. You've done amazingly to keep going this far!

@BertieBotts I had someone experienced in giving breastfeeding support out to the house, not 100% sure exactly what her role is. She’s brilliant and so lovely, but she’s exhausted all possible causes of the issues and can’t figure out what’s happening. I’m looking at getting private help, but I’m finding each day so difficult at the moment and have recently ended up crying most days about it as I’m really at the end of my limit now. It’s breaking my heart, as after a bumpy start and ongoing hospital visits and things, it’s the one thing we had that was going well for us.

Sounds similar to my experience, although no-one mentioned tongue tie until he was much older and he had it snipped around age 12!!! (Teeth problems)

I really wanted to continue but was exhausted and distressed.

I was much happier after giving up BUT I still regret not persevering. I'm not sure how long is long enough to be honest.

It's a tough decision only you can make, but I don't think there is a right or wrong outcome.

It's really hard OP. Even the 'easiest' of babies make breastfeeding tough and relentless.

Have you tried expressing? It may be quicker? My third baby wouldn't latch so I exclusively pumped, it was a pain but actually once in a routine it was fine as he fed quickly and I could pump in 30 mins. There are some amazing pumps on the market now.

@Ellextra thanks for your reply. It’s so tough isn’t it! I’ve been close to breaking point for some time now, but some how keep going. He’s never had formula, but I’m considering trialing a bottle a day this weekend to see how he takes it, in the hope that I can continue BF, but have formula as a backup to take the edge off. I’m getting next to no sleep as he’s not keen on lying on his back/away from me, so I’ve started cosleeping with him in the last few weeks, but he’s so noisy I hardly sleep, and I think him laying next to me means he feeds more, so I end up laying awake for a good 3 hours a night feeding.

@ChipsAreLife I have a bit but it just seems like such a faff! Something has to change though as I feel like both him and me are miserable with the way things are. I might try a bottle of formula this weekend to get me going with pumping, as I’ll pump while my husband tried a bottle, and then once I have enough for a few bottles drop the formula and continue with expressed milk for a few feeds a day to see if that helps take the pressure off! Feel like I just need to get a good amount in him in a shorter space of time for a few feeds a day, so that he has a bit more time for play and I’m not spending half my time feeding 😢

How's his weight gain OP? I'm not sure what the person you had out to you was but a lactation consultant would be good to speak to, if that isn't the type of person you spoke to already. Did feeding improve after the tongue tie was snipped?

I had this with my first, tongue tie too. It did calm down but was a slog.

Call the National breastfeeding helpline- they’re great.
Try to get a lactation consultant to come to see you.
Definitely pump or do a formula bottle, you need a break!

My son got it in the end abd I fed him until he was 2.5, but equally you’ve done brilliantly to get this far so if you stop don’t be hard on yourself

The best thing about bottle feeding (expressed breast milk or formula) was sharing night feeds with husband! Sleep is so important, lack of it can drive you nuts!!

The worst thing was guilt, faff, nasty looks from earth mother types and judgement from my mother..!

@Garman his weight gain is good - he’s been following his percentile line and even nudging up slightly. No improvement after the tongue tie snipped. We had it done on the nhs, and the person that snipped it said it was very minor and she didn’t believe the feeding issues were caused by the tongue tie.

@Nightmanagerfan thanks for your reply ☺️ How long did it take to see an improvement after having the tongue tie snipped? We are four weeks post tie snip and can’t say I’ve seen any improvement. Thank you, I feel really uneasy about him having formula, but I don’t know what else I can do as I’m completely exhausted. Every day I hope he might feed a bit quicker or not fuss, and as each day goes on I feel like I’m getting more tired and less able to deal with the epic feeds or fussing. I used to always get up and rock him through the feed to help calm him, but now I’m feeling too exhausted so I make him take a break and try to distract him with a bath or in his bouncy chair instead, which works more often than not, but then I worry I’m not feeding him on demand as well as I should be x

@Ellextra there is that massive benefit, but then sometimes I wonder if I’m naming things more tricky because of all the prep, sterilising, pumping etc, but being able to have someone else help with the feeding and it not all be on me would be amazing! Having my husband do just one nighttime feed would be amazing as may mean an extra hour of sleep for me! Only issue is at the mo I feed him lying down and cosleep with him, as if I try and put him down after a feed he wakes up. We’re going to try really hard to get him sleeping in his crib this weekend though. I think I would still try and breastfeed 80% of the time, but just a bottle of two a day would hopefully take the edge off! X

the person that snipped it said it was very minor and she didn’t believe the feeding issues were caused by the tongue tie.

Would you be able to get someone to look at it again? Turns out that my son's was quite bad and no-one mentioned it!

He also had a lisp (which slowly disappeared after getting it cut) and issues with his top teeth as a result of the tongue tie so it does have long lasting effects and might be worth revisiting?

If he's feeding a lot and doesn't like lying on his back, have you thought about reflux? Mine was the same at this age, the doctor gave him baby gaviscon and although it involves an enormous amount of faff for a breastfed baby, it did make a big difference.

If you want to stop then do.

@Ellextra oh poor thing, that’s awful it was never spotted. I do worry sometimes it may have potentially reattached, but it’s hard to tell! As soon as we had it snipped I noticed him sticking his tongue out much further, so I’ll pay close attention over the next few days to check he’s still doing that. I think we will get a private lactation consultant so hopefully she can have a proper look for us. I thought the service was awful when he had it snipped. We were in and out in 5 mins and I was given no aftercare or feeding advice x

I feel really uneasy about him having formula

Can you explain why? I gave up BF very early with both of my two, but was never worried about changing over. You need to be gentle on yourself. BF is great, mixed feeding is great, FF is great. None of these options will do any harm to you or your baby. Don't neglect yourself , a babies needs are important, but equally so are yours.

@TheCheeseBadge I thought he had silent reflux for quite some time, and we tried infant Gaviscon, but I didn’t think it made much of a difference. Maybe we will try it again. What were your LO’s symptoms of reflux?

@Hoppinggreen I desperately don’t want to stop. When it’s going well I really enjoy breastfeeding, but it’s been incredibly difficult for us and something has to change, however it would break my heart to have to stop, but I know I have to do what’s best for him and me!

Honestly that sounds perfectly normal. It’s normal to be feeding constantly and have a baby permanently on your boob. It’s normal to be feeding all night. If it doesn’t suit you that’s fair enough, but that’s just what breastfeeding is like.

@BigWoollyJumpers I think part of it is because I was BF until I was 9 months old, so I feel like I should give my child the same good start in life that I had. I do also worry about COVID and think if I’m BF and he/I were to get poorly, he would recover faster if I was breastfeeding him, although I know I can’t BF forever! I was hoping to last until a year. I would never ever think someone else had failed by not BF their child or by giving up, but like most people I’m my harshest critic and will feel like I’ve failed him. I had various pregnancy complications, a traumatic birth, and my son was in hospital until he was 10 days old, so I suppose I’ve put added pressure on myself to BF as he seemed like a ‘poorly’ baby even though he is fine x

@Marelle I keep being told that it’s not normal for him to spend this long feeding, by professionals and other BF mums. Also can’t say I’ve ever seen anyone else battling with their screaming baby to breastfeed. His fussy feeding means I’m too nervous to go out for lunch or coffee etc, as I just couldn’t stand up and rock and feed at the same time in public… I don’t think anyone would be keen on that!

Mine fed non stop 🤷‍♀️ And we went through a phase where he struggled to latch and would lose his temper and cry. Don’t know why but he grew out of it.

@Marelle I’m not sure if you could call 8 weeks a phase, but then I may be wrong!

Hi @MintGreenLife first of all you are doing soooo well to do feeds for so long etc it must be very draining.

I just wanted to say you don't need to sterilise bottles or pumps with Breastmilk.
Your breasts are not sterile and neither is your milk. I was sterilising stuff myself until my cousin pointed it out. NHS need to update the guidance but there's many articles online stating it's not required. Just got soapy water is sufficient.i would try even a bottle of BM or formula a day and see how that goes.

I was determined to BF bit tool ages to get established then had a bottle refuser so I was stuck
I actually hated BF but had to carry on until he was almost 2!
Now I'm 8 months pregnant I am almost certain I won't BF past the initial few weeks then move to expressing or formula. I was convinced BM was best but my son's had every cold under the sun so far!

[quote MintGreenLife]@Marelle I’m not sure if you could call 8 weeks a phase, but then I may be wrong![/quote]
OP, I get where you're coming from.
It can be hard for some to see it the same way, after all we're all different and in different circumstances.

I would suggest you get the tongue tie looked at again and introduce a bottle of either expressed milk or formula to give yourself a rest.

At the end of the day baby needs a happy relaxed mum more than anything else.

And btw my husband was bottle fed 50 odd years ago, he is highly intelligent, healthy etc. So formula isn't that bad

[quote MintGreenLife]@BigWoollyJumpers I think part of it is because I was BF until I was 9 months old, so I feel like I should give my child the same good start in life that I had. I do also worry about COVID and think if I’m BF and he/I were to get poorly, he would recover faster if I was breastfeeding him, although I know I can’t BF forever! I was hoping to last until a year. I would never ever think someone else had failed by not BF their child or by giving up, but like most people I’m my harshest critic and will feel like I’ve failed him. I had various pregnancy complications, a traumatic birth, and my son was in hospital until he was 10 days old, so I suppose I’ve put added pressure on myself to BF as he seemed like a ‘poorly’ baby even though he is fine x[/quote]
Please be kind to yourself.
I appreciate you don’t want to stop but if that’s purely down to guilt etc then that’s not the best motivation
Get whatever help you can to continue but if ultimately your baby has some formula he will be absolutely fine and it could even be better for you. It won’t be failure