I’m letting my toddler down :(

[amph8]

My DD is approaching two yrs old and has never been to nursery or a childminder, the reason being that our finances are quite stretched at the moment.

However all I hear from friends with kids is how brilliant nursery is, how they practically beg to go each day and how much fun they have, making little friends and doing messy play etc.

I feel so sad that DD is missing out on all this, particularly as she’s very shy in social situations. I can’t help wondering if she might have been more confident if she’d gone to nursery and feel like I’ve failed her.

We do go to baby/toddler groups (about 3 a week usually, tho she and I have been ill recently so haven’t been getting out as much). We also go to the park regularly. Whilst all of this is good, it can’t be as beneficial for her social skills as it would be going to nursery.

We also don’t do any messy play as I’m shattered and can’t face the huge mess quite frankly 😖 That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

Just curious as to whether anyone has any advice, as the mum guilt is high right now!

DD does love nursery but she'd be perfectly happy at home too.

We do messy play at home too though - it doesn't have to be too messy but I think it is good for them to do. Just get her one of those smock things and stick a tablecloth or something on the floor that can just be wiped down.

In lots of European countries children don’t go to nursery until they are 3. Your DD will be fine. Do you organise playdates so she can socialize with others? No need to do messy play, take her to playgrounds with sandpits and water features (in Spring not now!).
Do you get free hours now?

Why are you shattered? Sounds like you are not working?

Today 20:20 AdriannaP

Why are you shattered? Sounds like you are not working?“

???

She is not missing out. You're doing loads. If you're bothered about messy play (and it is good) get unperfumed shaving foam to play with in the bath - or you can get surgical kids play foam. You can also just pour some water on a patch of soil in the garden of you have one and let her muck about in it.

Being with their mum beats nursery!! And 3 toddler groups a week is fab! I wouldn’t worry, the term after she’s 3 you’ll get 15 free hours a week and she can go then.!

Not surgical kids play foam! Special kids play foam.

AdriannaP seriously ? Having a toddler is extremely exhausting I work part time and have 2 older kids and a toddler I'm totally drained all the time I had 2 weeks off work and I think I was more exhausted being a stay at hope parent isn't the easy option

@SylvanasWindrunner what kind of thing do you do for messy play? The prob is that DD will just run wild with paint and stuff - she’s hard to keep in 1 place!

No I don’t organize playdates - we just do groups. I’ve had quite a hard time meeting other mums where I live

Home*

I am a SAHM Ds2 went to a stay and play twice a week for 2 hours without me when he was 2. Until that point he was with me, slept on me, co-slept with me (severely poorly baby so had to keep an eye on him) and finally went to preschool 5 mornings a week when he was 3.

He is now 15. Not everyone attends nursery. Ds1 did for 6 months when I worked, then I became a SAHM so he went 1 day a week but it was because he was used to it. Didn't stop him being introverted and liking small groups, like me.

You are not failing your child. You have not locked them in a room with no stimulation. Your child will be fine. Ds1 used to cling to my leg at 6. He is currently at university miles away from home. Some children just need more time to get used to the world.

If anyone comments use my line, "Why does it matter to you what my child is doing?"

Could you invest in a tuff tray and do some activities at home? You are not letting her down, she goes to toddler groups and socialises, she goes to the park etc.

Playdough, paint sticks, tray of crispies with toys in, sponge and paints, glue and pom poms, pens. Just anything, really! We have big rolls of paper you can cover a wide area with on the floor or I sit her at the table, cover that with tablecloth and paper, and let her go wild Most kids stuff is easily washable anyway.

Google tuff spot or tuff tray ideas, not all messy play is messy!

For messy play that isn't too hard to clean up look on Pinterest. I wish I had had Pinterest back in the day. Water and a paintbrush, paint the brickwork of your house is the easiest thing that comes to mind as it is all outside with no clean up.

The mum guilt is a real feeling, but tell it to bugger off. I get the guilts over every little thing. You sound like you are doing everything. We had to wait til aged 3 for nursery school and he's doing ok there now, no different to the kiddies that have been there for longer. I'm sure your DD will also love it when her time comes.

In terms of messy play- can you manage jelly in the bath? Then it's all contained? Or if you are near a park you can do bubbles there (giant bubbles on Amazon?)

We didn't do loads of messy play- kinetic sand and playdough didn't really interest my little one but I did let him do some potato printing / finger paint with food colouring (we are/were so broke!)

You can make "moon sand" out of flour and baby oil (YouTube it) and just put down an old towel

Nursery is great, being at home with a parent is great, a childminder is great- all have different positives and negatives, and different things work for different families. As long as you're all happy all good, you aren't letting them down at all!

My son didn't go to nursery until he was three and then he only went for his free 15 hours a week until he started school. He hasn't missed out on anything and has lots of memories of all the things he did at home with Mummy. It's great that your DD gets quality time at home with you and at age two she's not missing out on anything.

Is there a local charity run playgroup? Ours charges £3.60 an hour and my DD just does a 2.5 hour session a week.

We chose to send DD to nursery at 3.5yr and will do the same for DS. This is an active choice as we could have sent them earlier. I think people over attribute things to nursery, when they would learn them anyway. My DD is now 5 and thriving. DS is more shy and cautious of other kids. Rather than feeling he is missing out, I am glad he is able to develop his confidence more at home, classes with us and friends. I think he would be a but stressed at nursery right now (2.5) but hopefully will find it easier next year. IMO a year of nursery is plenty of time to prepare for school.

Do the others work ? You tend to find people will be positive to validate their choices. Nursery is not a necessity unless you need childcare or a break but most don't bother until 3+ otherwise. Keep going to groups and socialise in the park or baby friendly cafes. Your dc will be fine.

You’re not letting her down at all!

Are you alright in yourself, healthy, getting enough sleep? Do you ever get time to yourself?

You must know that loads of people don’t send their DC to nursery so I wonder if you’re being hard on yourself because you’re feeling a bit low.

No one is going to tell you their child hates nursery, doesn’t like the other kids, misses mum and dad, wishes they were at home more. Because those people probably have to work and use it as childcare rather than education.

For millennia children have learnt what they needed to from watching their mums cook, chat to the neighbours, wash clothes, reading and writing and maths came later or not at all

Messy play is a new phenomenon. Get her involved in making meals, digging in the garden or grow stuff on a window sill or indoors, some autumn leaves and pva aren’t too messy and you can make leaf pictures.

Yesterday I made sock snow men out of old tights and rice with a couple of buttons. Took ages, DD loved it.

I prefer not to call it messy play, but sensory play. Put some rice Or pasta in a tray, some spoons, some plastic cups Etc and that’s your activity. Bath time is water play. Put some things in a Small tub of water, freeze it and let your child play with it and feel how cold it is. Or just give them ice cubes to play with. Shaving foam on a tray, keep it contained by doing it either outside or in the high chair.

Please don’t worry your child hasn’t been to childcare yet. Send her when she is 3 for her free hours, but for now, it sounds like you and your toddler are fine at home together.

Ds2 goes to nursery two days a week and I am pretty sure he would prefer not to go and stay home. I have real guilt at the moment as I went him home but have just begun to study again after a year off.
Sounds like you do lots and have fun and going places is fine for social skills. As for messy play I took my eldest to lots sensory classes and he he has so many hang ups about textures, tastes, etc. Dc3 rarely went to any but toddler groups, park and walks until Preschool at 3 and is no worse off for it.
Don’t beat yourself up, sounds like your doing great things and being shy is perfectly normal for so many kids her age.

@AdriannaP

Why are you shattered? Sounds like you are not working?

Are you serious?