I’m letting my toddler down :(

[amph8]

My DD is approaching two yrs old and has never been to nursery or a childminder, the reason being that our finances are quite stretched at the moment.

However all I hear from friends with kids is how brilliant nursery is, how they practically beg to go each day and how much fun they have, making little friends and doing messy play etc.

I feel so sad that DD is missing out on all this, particularly as she’s very shy in social situations. I can’t help wondering if she might have been more confident if she’d gone to nursery and feel like I’ve failed her.

We do go to baby/toddler groups (about 3 a week usually, tho she and I have been ill recently so haven’t been getting out as much). We also go to the park regularly. Whilst all of this is good, it can’t be as beneficial for her social skills as it would be going to nursery.

We also don’t do any messy play as I’m shattered and can’t face the huge mess quite frankly 😖 That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

Just curious as to whether anyone has any advice, as the mum guilt is high right now!

We put our own son into nursery part time at 11 months but that’s because I had to go back to work.

The excellent book, “Love Matters” by Sue Gerhardt argues that research has shown that it’s better for a child’s development to be with its mother/ father/ grandparents/ guardian until 3 (unless the home environment is a bad one, in which case a childminder / nursery is better). Not for immediate reasons, but for the long arc of mental health, etc, later on.

Very soon you'll qualify for the funded hours and can look into preschool.

In the meantime toddler groups are great and being at home with you is great.

I don't do messy play either - my kids are just fine without getting covered in tons of mess they don't need.

All of my older family members are extremely sociable and they were all raised by stay at home mums as that was the norm at the time. I don't think nursery would make a difference.

I won't be sending my son until we receive free hours, at the moment I am extremely lucky that family take care of him and my partner and I work shifts.

It’s is any help, I live outside the uk, and nursery before 3 years is pretty rare. Maternity/ paternity leave is up to 3 years to account for this.

Ds is 18 months. Born in first lockdown. He’s never been to nursery, toddler groups or even had a play date.
We don’t do ‘messy play’ ie painting but he spends lots of time outside in leaves, mud, sand and swimming locally so I don’t think it makes much difference.
So far he’s sociable and confident.

It’s is any help, I live outside the uk, and nursery before 3 years is pretty rare. Maternity/ paternity leave is up to 3 years to account for this.

@Caspianberg where do you live if you don’t mind me asking? Three years sounds incredible!

@2020newmum -Central Europe. You can take 3 years lower pay, or 1 year full pay and 2 years no pay but job secure for your return.

She'll be fine plus she goes to toddler groups.
I did the same with mine as we couldn't afford childcare - they've gone since we got access to the 30 hours childcare. They like it but they were also OK at home with me.

I’m going to go against the tide and say that you should be sticking her into nursery

I’ve always thought that my shyness I’d down to lack of social interaction at this age

Even a day a week would be something

SORRY! I just saw that she’s only two thought she was 3-4!

Ignore me! What she has is perfect ❤️

I used to have the guilt about everything when dd was younger. Try to rationalise it - she is fine and you're doing fine. Dd didn't go to nursery until she was 3 and this didn't cause any ongoing problems.

We've found the opposite and my child hated nursery and had to be pulled out. He hates leaving us. Just make sure you give her loads of learning opportunities at home. She is still so young. My child is at school now and it hasn't done him any harm at all. If anything he is one of the more confident children.

She's not even two, she just needs to have fun and play. You're providing opportunities for her to mix and that's great. I wouldn't worry about messy play - hats off to parents letting their kids cover themselves in jelly but it's not for me. DS only took to painting after 2 (but hates getting it on his hands). We did do a bit of "dry" messy play (so some dried rice or lentils) and I'd do it before nap time so I had time to tidy up with no helping hands.

We had to take DS out of nursery because I got made redundant and he didn't go back till we got the free hours. He doesn't seem any worse for it compared to his mates.

@amph8

My DD is approaching two yrs old and has never been to nursery or a childminder, the reason being that our finances are quite stretched at the moment.

However all I hear from friends with kids is how brilliant nursery is, how they practically beg to go each day and how much fun they have, making little friends and doing messy play etc.

I feel so sad that DD is missing out on all this, particularly as she’s very shy in social situations. I can’t help wondering if she might have been more confident if she’d gone to nursery and feel like I’ve failed her.

We do go to baby/toddler groups (about 3 a week usually, tho she and I have been ill recently so haven’t been getting out as much). We also go to the park regularly. Whilst all of this is good, it can’t be as beneficial for her social skills as it would be going to nursery.

We also don’t do any messy play as I’m shattered and can’t face the huge mess quite frankly 😖 That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

Just curious as to whether anyone has any advice, as the mum guilt is high right now!

It’s tough. I felt the same as you last year.

We got caught with this during COVID times (we couldn’t enroll DC) and they didn’t end up going until 3 years. I felt bad I couldn’t get them that classic nursery experience at the time, but they are really enjoying preschool now and I’m very happy to see their progress!

The upside is that we never had to go through separation anxiety, they were very ready and happy to go, and it’s still a very new and fresh experience for them.

So don’t despair! Try to do what you can to provide a stimulating environment at home until you can avail of the free hours!

I’ve worked a lot in/ with nurseries. I didn’t choose to send my child to one until she’s a bit older. I think they can be great, but I also think they’re not the be all and end all. And some are really quite poor. As an Early Years teacher in a school for years, you can sometimes tell the difference between a child who has been to another setting or not, but by half a term or so in there’s not generally much a difference at all.

I now fit some freelance work around a day with a childminder, half a day with grandparents and the rest I do when she’s in bed. The childminder we chose is far more of a joke from home setting, I’d rather that for dd right now.

To listen to the other mums I’ve met, I’m doing her a huge disservice not sending her to nursery where all their children have learned so much more than they ever possibly could have at home and are sooo happy and have come on sooo much. I’m not doubting that their kids are doing great, and I do think nursery can be brilliant. But I also think there’s an element of wanting to be really positive about what they are doing. As parents we all feel guilty and have a tendency to second guess our decisions so it can be tempting to ‘justify’ what we’ve gone with as the best thing ever and honestly I wouldn’t worry about what other people say their children are doing.

Playgroups are great. Being at home with mum is wonderful. You’re doing what’s best for your child and family situation.

Also, ‘messy play’ wasn’t a thing with a specific label when I was little. We all developed our ‘sensory skills’ just fine. An early years teacher I worked with used to laugh about how her daughters never had any paint, play dough etc at home because she just couldn’t stand the mess. They’re both at university now, one doing a fine art degree.

Lots of play is sensory play without having to do anything extra - put wellies on and jump in puddles or kick through leaves, splashing in the bath (bath crayons are great too), banging some musical instruments (could make them too - pour rice or pasta into empty tubs), play dough. If you want to do above that then great, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t. You could get a big storage tub and fill it with rice, lentils, pasta - cups and spoons and pans etc, or little different type toy cars. Get her doing some cooking with you or give her her own washing up bowl and a few safe items to help with the washing up. Use paint (or yoghurt mixed with food colouring) in the bath then just wash it all away with the shower after. As a pp said some buckets or water and paintbrushes to paint the brickwork/ fence outside is really easy - when I taught nursery that was always one of the most popular activities. You can extend it with a few sponges/ cloths and make a car wash for toy cars or her bike/ scooter etc. Similar a water tray or washing up tub with some soapy water to give her dolls a bath.

We have a ‘crafty pod’ where you can keep all the messy play stuff contained and then the bottom may can just be chucked in the washing machine. A tuff tray is good too. Or just get a cheap paddling pool and stick the messy stuff in that, place it on an old table cloth or shower curtain.

@Caspianberg what a great system. I wish the UK had similar options!

Untill age 2 or 3 I don't think there are any big benefits to group childcare and there are certainly benefits to a home environment.

No way I can handle messy play at home! You might find toddler groups start doing 1 hour sessions you can pay for - they clean up :)

Once she's two are you eligible for 15 hours childcare? If not then she might be old enough for a community playgroup or a pre-school at a school - these are usually cheaper than private nurseries. You'll get at least a year of 15 or 30 hours before school.

I think you get some free hours in nursery when they turn 2, so you could use that to send her in for a bit? It is nice for them to be able to play with other little ones and try different things, and our nursery was amazing at doing things to support their development and helping us with that too.

My DD is 2yo in a couple of weeks and I have her at home apart from 2 days when my parents look after her when I go to work. When she turned 1yo all my friends started sending their LOs to nursery and I was worried that she would be missing out on social interaction but my HV said that just taking them to the park/play cafes/toddler groups is enough enough that when she is 2.5-3yo then start introducing her to play groups/nursery. Like your LO, mine can be quite shy around other kids (mum guilt here) but I try to remind myself that she is still very young and that she is gaining a lot from our 1 on 1 time. My friends also went on about how much their LOs loved nursery but over the past year I hear snippets of tantrums/unhappy spells etc so it's all relative. Nursery is good for kids, staying at home is good for kids, childminders are good for kids. Their are pros and cons to all but sounds like you're doing a better job than me - 3 play groups a week! And don't worry so much about messy play. She can do that when she gets her free time at nursery! I try to get my LO involved in things in the house. I let her "help" me cook and bake - she stands on a chair and I let her pour things in a bowl or use a spoon to mix. Let her play in the bubbles at the kitchen sink. Take her to the beach and let her feel the sand/splash in the water. Play doh. I bought some reusable calligraphy paper on amazon and she paints on it with water. Plant some stuff in the garden. Doesn't need to be messy just let her get involved in daily activities. Sounds like you're doing a great job!

check your local school or nursery as you may qualify for a 2yr old place
but your doing groups and things so please dont stress

Mine all went to nursery from 6 months. None ever begged to go. 2 of the 4 are naturally shy, one very much so. Nursery made no difference. They all made friends, though they don’t remember it now!
I had mum guilt too, but mine was because they had to go to nursery!

@AdriannaP

Why are you shattered? Sounds like you are not working?

I go to work to get a break.

Parenting 24/7 is the hardest job.

OP has come here for support. Your comment isn’t helpful

OP you’re doing great. All your little one needs is you.

My little one would happily potter around with me all day. She hates messy play too so please don’t worry. She’d be happier “helping”me (absolutely no help
Whatsoever) put away the washing or listening to narrate what I’m doing.

Sounds like your doing a lots of socialising and activities anyway.

Also my little one has been constantly ill since she started nursery and I’m at my wits end!!! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.