I’m letting my toddler down :(

[amph8]

My DD is approaching two yrs old and has never been to nursery or a childminder, the reason being that our finances are quite stretched at the moment.

However all I hear from friends with kids is how brilliant nursery is, how they practically beg to go each day and how much fun they have, making little friends and doing messy play etc.

I feel so sad that DD is missing out on all this, particularly as she’s very shy in social situations. I can’t help wondering if she might have been more confident if she’d gone to nursery and feel like I’ve failed her.

We do go to baby/toddler groups (about 3 a week usually, tho she and I have been ill recently so haven’t been getting out as much). We also go to the park regularly. Whilst all of this is good, it can’t be as beneficial for her social skills as it would be going to nursery.

We also don’t do any messy play as I’m shattered and can’t face the huge mess quite frankly 😖 That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

Just curious as to whether anyone has any advice, as the mum guilt is high right now!

She's not even two! Loads of children don't go to nursery til they get the free hours after their 3rd birthday.

Of course working parents who send their young children to childcare are going to tell you how amazing it is - no one's going to say "I send my toddler to nursery, it's ok but she'd much rather be at home with me and go to a few toddler groups".
Everyone wants to believe they have made the right choice.

I agree with @LIZS You tend to find people will be positive to validate their choices.

Nursery isn't compulsory and formal education isn't until their 5.
I've found when people have sent their children to nursery they over emphasise how much they love it if they find out my 2 year old isn't in nursery.
The children do love nursery, but I don't find any difference in their development with my daughter being cared for by relatives once or twice per week and me and going to a few toddler groups per week.
Both toddlers and both sets of parents are happy that's the main thing

DS goes to nursery 2 days a week. He seems happy there (eats well, sleeps well, gets involved with activities) but I think he would be just as happy at home. I don’t think it’s made a blind bit of difference to his social abilities - he’s naturally outgoing and I think he’d still be like this even if he was home with me all the time.

Also the whole 'messy' 'sensory play' you do it all the time without realising probably.
My daughter loves being outside, playing with stones, mud, leaves etc bath time is water play, she has a sand pit or we go to the beach etc! We have bubbles etc!

You absolutely should not feel guilty! I would not have sent my DS to nursery if the UK's maternity system wasn't so fucked up, forcing women back to work.

She is absolutely not missing out on anything, nursery is not some social club for babies / toddlers (they are way to young to appreciate this), but merely a necessity for parents without alternative childcare. Absolutely no way you will be damaging her development, she is the happiest at home, with you. Trust that.

I've got an extremely social, friendly and articulate DS. He is good around children, loves adult attention BUT screams down the heavens every single morning when going to nursery. Nursery is absolutely not the reason why some kids are social whilst others not so much.

My LO was in nursery till 2 I then removed them for various reasons
They loved nursery nursery was so great and I was so anxious stopping

I have spent last year making huge effort to socialise them park/ different play groups etc and actually their confidence and skills etc have any rocketed as actually every day facing new challenges and ppl and scenarios. I think being out of nursery has been beneficial for confidence and development.

There is no right or wrong everything has pros and cons we’ve done both!

Ps we also have days where we just don’t get dressed and watch tv all day!!!!

My DD is the same age and goes to nursery for 3 days while I work. She loves it, but equally finds it a bit ott and therefore the balance of a couple of days of just us at home doing low key stuff works well. Nursery has been great for her socialising but tbh at that age they don't play with other kids so much as play alongside, it's the nursery workers she gets attached to. There are lots of kids in her group who cry going in everyday or seem quite shy and introverted and lots who seem to thrive and go in all confident...so basically what I'm saying is that they don't all love it and it wouldn't necessarily change her character!

At 2 they don't want nursery they really just want you.

Ugh I hate messy play of any kind OP. I avoid it like the plague. I don’t like mess. My toddler is confident and outgoing and we’ve never done anything like that. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

Mine loved painting the footpath with paintbrushes and water with washing up liquid in it

My DD didn't go to preschool until she was 3, and when she did it was 15hrs only. We went to one toddler group per week (one from 18mo until 2, then we moved and went to a different one from 2 until she started school at 4). We have no friends with kids her age, and her cousins live far away. It was just me and DD all day, then DH in the evenings and DM a couple of times a week. She's 7 now and doing fine. She was terrified of other children for a long time, which I beat myself up for, but now she's got loads of friends and is really confident.

DS is 3 and started preschool at 2.5. He's a Summer baby and I wanted him to have the same amount of time there as DD did, otherwise we would've waited until he was 3 as well. We go to the same toddler group I took DD to, and we still don't really have any friends with kids his age (some of DD's friends have younger siblings but that's it). He seems fine too. He hates other kids but I'm hoping he grows out of that like DD did.

Oh, and neither of mine were terribly interested in messy play. It's not the be all and end all, honestly. A bit of painting and some Play Doh is about as far as we ever get! Dry rice and pasta is easily hoovered up, as well.

You're doing fine, OP

Why go posters have to knock other people’s situations?

Yes nursery (or creche as it’s called here) can be a great childcare choice, my kids did actually love it. However I wouldn’t have sent them if I wasn’t working. Working parents use childcare, non working parents don’t have to. Here preschool starts when kids are around 3 and most kids go to it. But I don’t know any non working parents who send kids under that age to regular childcare.

That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

"Messy play" is a relatively new idea. People survived for thousands of years without being allowed to cover themselves in spaghetti and shit as toddlers. Your child will be fine. I was told by my health visitor that I really need to start letting dd (who was 6 months at the time) play with sand and play dough. It's very important apparently , it's really not.

You would probably feel guilty if your toddler attended nursery full time.
Honestly it's so easy to overthubk things. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You are clearly providing stimulation and love to your daughter. That s all she needs!

Looking at my daughter (primary school aged) and her friends, I couldn't tell you who went to nursery and who didn't.

@Thatsplentyjack

That’s another concern I have tho, that lack of messy play might mean her sensory skills won’t be developing properly.

"Messy play" is a relatively new idea. People survived for thousands of years without being allowed to cover themselves in spaghetti and shit as toddlers. Your child will be fine. I was told by my health visitor that I really need to start letting dd (who was 6 months at the time) play with sand and play dough. It's very important apparently , it's really not.

Oh yes the same with tummy time being vitally important. How did any of us become fully functioning humans before tummy time was a thing?

My eldest didn't start pt nursery until 2.5, but we went to groups 3 times a week, it's just fine. Most people with kids in nursery are because they are working

@AdriannaP

Why are you shattered? Sounds like you are not working?

Oh fuck off

Sit her in a high chair so she cant run around. Play dog is a good one as it's not too messy (unless they break it into tiny pieces that end up all over the floor like my son lol)
Another good idea is paint on paper inside a poly pocket or a ziplock bag and tape it up so the paint doesn't come out, she can mix the paint up inside it.
Is she happy? That's the most important thing and I'm sure she is as she's with you

Play doh not dog haha

Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it. It’s so hard not to feel the mum guilt but it’s helped reading these replies.

"Messy play" is a relatively new idea. People survived for thousands of years without being allowed to cover themselves in spaghetti and shit as toddlers.

This did make me LOL

I feel so sad that DD is missing out on all this, particularly as she’s very shy in social situations. I can’t help wondering if she might have been more confident if she’d gone to nursery and feel like I’ve failed her.

You would feel just as bad (as I did) if she went to nursery and hated it because she is shy.

By the time they're ten nobody remembers who went to nursery and who didn't. I feel guilty that mine did as she would have been better off at home. You feel guilty that yours isn't. We're both decent mums wanting the best for our kids and the best thing either of us can do for either of our daughters is to recognise that we're doing perfectly adequately and stop modelling the mum guilt.

Even if it's easier said than done!

That is also what I say about my kid loving nursery to cover all the guilt I feel about working full-time and never having the time to see him. We bleet on about it to make ourselves feel better. It is not all its cracked up to be. Costs a fortune and one adult looking after a bunch of toddlers, hardly call that good quality one-on-one learning. Try not to worry about it too much. The grass is not greener on our side. I feel the opposite guilt. He is always at nursery and doesnt get that quality time with his mum 😢

I didn't send my DS until it was free. With his younger sibling - if finances allow and she is a similar personality- I would like to start her three to six months earlier. I found it got harder to keep him entertained and he wanted some friends once he told to 3. But honestly, no sooner.

This time with you now is invaluable. The development from 2.5yrs on is nothing short of terrifying and it's more to do with their age than their childcare setting.

There's nothing particularly wrong with sending babies to nursery but I don't think you could honestly call it any more beneficial than being at home with one on one attention.

Five minute mum is a great read for little activity ideas but I think you're holding yourself to a higher standard than is necessary. DS went to 0 toddler groups (his mother is incredibly antisocial ) and is smashing through numbers, letters, shapes, sports etc.

My little boy is almost 3 and hasn’t been to nursery yet. He’s starting in January once he gets his funding. I do worry he’s missed out on something not being at nursery especially as we spent so much time in lockdown last year not seeing as many people but I also know he’s gained from being home with me!

Some not too messy things we do is dry pasta with scoops and pots to fill, cooked pasta with tweezer type things and kids bath foam from home bargains in the bath. I’ve also used the tough tray to set up a construction site with old cereal, lentils and pasta with his diggers to move around. We did the paint on a piece of paper in a food bag taped to the highchair a few times. He loved it and it wasn’t messy to clean up!
Sometimes we do properly messy activities but only on days I have the energy to face the clean up. If we do get the paint/cornflour slime etc out I run a bath first so I can just check him straight in!

You're doing great, please don't worry. My DC goes to preschool and most of the kids started there the term after their third birthday (when the funding starts). It's very common to not attend nursery under 3, although it can feel unusual if you know lots of working parents. If you're after ideas of what to do that aren't too messy/elaborate, the BBC's Tiny Happy People website is great.