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Parenting

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Original poster

Ruled by a 3 year old

67 replies

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 14:19

Just had to come on to vent, my life is utterly ruled by our 3 yr old DD, her moods, tantrums, defiance, saying no to everything. I am exhausted, I feel utterly beaten down and have absolutely no life of my own. I am just about ready to leave with baby to a hotel for a few nights and let DH deal with her as I can’t bear it any longer. DH is wonderfully supportive and helps loads on every front, so is absolutely not down to him not helping as he is a wonderful husband and daddy.

DD doesn’t even let me sing under my breath (something I used to love doing, humming a song while tidying up etc) I am told stop mummy stop. No. 2 baby is now 12 weeks and love her she is so sweet and lovely, does not beat me down like DD with her attitude, stroppiness, arguing with everything she is told (ie she asks a question, we tell her the answer and every single time she says ‘no it isn’t mummy/ daddy’) flat refusals to do basic things like brushing teeth, hand washing etc . My life is ruled by a tiny dictator, who used to be my sweet girl full of love and affection 🙁 she is nearly 4 and I love her but my affection for her has massively waned this last year with what I can only describe as a continual emotional beat down. I feel like a shell of a person. Shall I leave with baby for a few days?

OP posts:

Fallagain · 17/10/2021 16:02

Of course not. How old is the baby? Your daughter is going through a major period of readjustment which she can’t control so she is control the things that she can.

Slagertha · 17/10/2021 16:09

When she asks a question and says your answer is wrong just say 'ok' . We did this with our dd when she went through a similar stage and it stopped her going on and telling us we were wrong as she had nothing else to say. As for the telling you to stop humming and singing I'd just ignore and carry on...tell dd to go and do something else away from you if she doesn't like you singing. I know it's hard but I wouldn't put up with a child telling me what to do. X

Viviennemary · 17/10/2021 16:10

I would put it down to her being envious of the new baby. Going to a hotel would be a terrible idea. Why not arrange to take your DD out for an hour. Even if its just to a park. And leave the baby with your DH.

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AliceW89 · 17/10/2021 16:11

I’m not sure OP. If you are completely at your wits end then you have to do what you think is best. Leaving is not going to fundamentally solve her behaviour though, is it? Especially if she then feels rejected as mum has left with the new baby - it might just make it worse. It’s really hard but her behaviour sounds pretty typical of a 3 yo. My first nephew made me think everyone was lying about toddlers, he was such an easy child. DN2 and DNiece made me realise otherwise and I think my DS will be similar! Does she go to any type of childcare during the week?

MissyB1 · 17/10/2021 16:17

Stop tolerating this obnoxious behaviour. She’s only ruling the roost because you and her dad are allowing it.
When she says your answers are wrong tell her not to bother asking if she doesn’t believe you. Then walk away.
When she tells you to stop singing or humming tell her (sharply) that she’s being very rude and not to tell you what to do. Explain that mummy and daddy make the rules not her.
Just put your foot down and make the boundaries clear.

MistyFrequencies · 17/10/2021 16:23

Baby 2 is 12 weeks old. Your 3 year olds life has changed immeasurably in that time. She needs love and reassurance and 1:1 time with you without baby, not you running off to a hotel with baby.
I know it's hard. My daughter was similar at 3 years old. But leaving is not the option here. Love bomb her instead.
And stop letting her dictate. She says stop singing, don't etc etc.

DigOlBick · 17/10/2021 16:27

Why on earth are you letting a 3 year old talk to you like that??

Theunamedcat · 17/10/2021 16:27

Tell her don't be rude

I get its a big upheaval and a period of adjustment but there is no need to allow this kind of behaviour to continue sanction the bad praise the good

LittleBearPad · 17/10/2021 16:32

No. 2 baby is now 12 weeks and love her she is so sweet and lovely, does not beat me down like DD with her attitude, stroppiness, arguing with everything she is told

Well she’s 12 weeks old isn’t she. She doesn’t even know she has hands yet, she’s hardly going to argue back. In 3 years time she may well do - what will you do then?

Your eldest’s world has just completely changed. She is controlling what she can as everything else is completely out of control. Some empathy and some boundaries are needed.

saltontoast · 17/10/2021 16:41

If you go away for a few days this is going to confuse your dd even more. Nip this behaviour in the bud. Things will get bette

eddiemairswife · 17/10/2021 16:51

I hated my mother singing.

AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 16:55

@DigOlBick

Why on earth are you letting a 3 year old talk to you like that??

Quite. She is as rude as you allow her to be.

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 17:23

Thank you everyone for your replies, I am crying reading them right now. I feel like I was a great mum in babyhood and devoted myself totally to full time motherhood, there was awful illnesses we had to navigate, trips to A&aw in the middle of the night

OP posts:

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 17:28

Sorry hit post too early. Anyway I am trying so hard to be as good a mum as I was in babyhood and toddler days but finding this stage so so hard. When I get cross with her I hate myself and feel like a terrible mum. I feel like I go from being too permissive to too strict 😞

OP posts:

ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 17:29

No. 2 baby is now 12 weeks and love her she is so sweet and lovely, does not beat me down like DD with her attitude, stroppiness, arguing with everything she is told

Well no… because she can’t! All children have difficult periods. Often, they coincide with a new sibling coming along.
The last thing she needs is you taking her ‘sweet and lovely’ little sister and abandoning her for a few days.
You need firm, consistent boundaries. If she tells you you’re wrong, just say ‘ok’ and move on. She’ll get bored of it.

CurryLover55 · 17/10/2021 17:34

I was going to say that it’s very likely to be jealousy & insecurity since the baby arrived. Lots of love & extra attention. You could ask your DD to help with the baby.

Topseyt · 17/10/2021 17:34

@MissyB1

Stop tolerating this obnoxious behaviour. She’s only ruling the roost because you and her dad are allowing it. When she says your answers are wrong tell her not to bother asking if she doesn’t believe you. Then walk away. When she tells you to stop singing or humming tell her (sharply) that she’s being very rude and not to tell you what to do. Explain that mummy and daddy make the rules not her. Just put your foot down and make the boundaries clear.

This is absolutely how I tackled such behaviour when my three went through similar phases of testing the boundaries.

Stop tolerating this behaviour. You are the parent. She doesn't get to rule the roost.

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 17:45

Love bomb rather than run away

She needs your reassurance more than ever right now. She used to be centre of your universe

You can stop this behaviour really easily by putting some time aside each morning to spend with her as a priority

Fill her cup early and without making her wait all the time.
Let her see does still get to still have story time with mummy (or whatever you choose) regardless of babies needs.
Show her she matters in a way she understands so she doesn’t have to compete

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 17:51

I feel so lost in how to parent a nearly 4 year old, and going forwards from here as I feel it might just get harder(?) switching between being nice and calm, trying to reward good behaviour, then getting annoyed and stricter when we get bad behaviour. I need to find a way to be balanced and am trying so hard to do this, how do you do it if you manage this please?? I can’t use my childhood experiences to guide me as I grew up in a terrifying domestic violent house and my brother and I were abused. Nothing in life has prepared me for how hard parenting is ( and I used to work in homelessness with street homeless hardened drink/ drug users and counselling people at risk of suicide).

I love my DD but feel like she is the boss of me, she is so strong willed and determined which is great when it’s something positive ( she is lovely with the baby) but nightmarish when the determination is against something that needs to happen (ie get ready for bed, not do something sometimes dangerous stuff like running off on days out/ walks)

OP posts:

Justgettingbye · 17/10/2021 17:52

My daughter went through a horrendous stage around that age and I would say for a period of time she was out of control and massively ground me down. Me and dad were on the same page and we decided we were gunna cut the crap and accepted it would be tough at points and now she is like another child. I know what it's like your tired but stay strong and it will pass

MarshaBradyo · 17/10/2021 17:57

I have a dd the same age

Do you get a break? Does she go to nursery / pre school?

Mamamamasaurus · 17/10/2021 18:02

You need to realise that she isn't the boss and act accordingly. She's testing and pushing boundaries and you're allowing her to dictate to you - the longer you let it continue, the harder it will be to rein in her behaviour

Disciplining your child doesn't make you horrible - it's preparing them for the world. Their teacher won't allow these shenanigans, prepare her by being the parent and setting boundaries. More importantly - stick to them. Be that the step for timeout, a calm down bottle, whatever. Be firm in your discipline. There's a huge difference between abusive and firm. I'm sure there will be someone who can recommend a book or similar but I'm sorry for that you and your brother went through

Bigeggsinapackoften · 17/10/2021 18:02

Oh love this will pass. She’s only a baby herself really.

When she says you’re wrong just ignore it. Mmhumm or similar. As to the singing. Don’t let her stop you. Tell her to go somewhere else if she doesn’t want to listen to you.

Unless you have to be somewhere I wouldn’t worry about clothes or bath. The only non-negotiable would be teeth cleaning.

You’re the boss. She just thinks she is coz she’s 3.

BananaPB · 17/10/2021 18:03

If she always say no to the answers turn it around and ask her because it sounds like she wants to tell you the "correct" answer.

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 18:04

Thank you I will try to carve out more 1:1 time with DD. I won’t leave with the baby you are right, poor DD would think it’s her fault and that I don’t love her, which I do I desperately do, I ‘m just not coping. I’m struggling with PND which doesn’t help. They all deserve much better, I just want to be a good mum it’s all I’ve ever wanted and I’m failing. I don’t recognise myself anymore, hardly feel human some days

OP posts:

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