Page 2 | Ruled by a 3 year old

Bigeggsinapackoften · 17/10/2021 18:05

Can you go do something for y oh self? Something that feeds your soul to be a bit wanky about it? For me it’s museums. Even just a coffee in peace?

RedHelenB · 17/10/2021 18:07

She's 3 and she's not your boss. Why are you letting her rule the roost? If Dad can be firmer with her then the break away might be good, and you can follow his lead when you get back.

beigebrownblue · 17/10/2021 18:19

Is there anything you actually enjoy doing with your DD?

I feel like this with my teenager sometimes, if you ask me in a lot of ways teens are very similar to toddlers, with their bids for independence etc.

In other ways they are delightful and very loving.

You might try that thing about giving her choices...
e.g. would you like carrot or beans for tea?

Sometimes this kind of behaviour is triggering for us.
It's probably true that she misses you and has some fears around the new baby.

Like any relationship really, with an absence of quality time it tends to go downhill.

Not saying I've got it right mind. Living with a teen is such an emotional roller coaster too...I just try to roll with that and cherish the nice moments...

And when I'm feeling burned out by it, I say 'I love you' and I hear this call from her room to say 'I love you' back.

We've all had such tough times
be kind to yourself, I know easier said than done.

beigebrownblue · 17/10/2021 18:21

@DespairingSAHM

Sorry hit post too early. Anyway I am trying so hard to be as good a mum as I was in babyhood and toddler days but finding this stage so so hard. When I get cross with her I hate myself and feel like a terrible mum. I feel like I go from being too permissive to too strict 😞

go easy on yourself eh. Sometimes a good cry in the bathroom is the way to go, along with haivng a good moan on here, or with a friend on the phone who gets it...

beigebrownblue · 17/10/2021 18:26

@DespairingSAHM

I feel so lost in how to parent a nearly 4 year old, and going forwards from here as I feel it might just get harder(?) switching between being nice and calm, trying to reward good behaviour, then getting annoyed and stricter when we get bad behaviour. I need to find a way to be balanced and am trying so hard to do this, how do you do it if you manage this please?? I can’t use my childhood experiences to guide me as I grew up in a terrifying domestic violent house and my brother and I were abused. Nothing in life has prepared me for how hard parenting is ( and I used to work in homelessness with street homeless hardened drink/ drug users and counselling people at risk of suicide).

I love my DD but feel like she is the boss of me, she is so strong willed and determined which is great when it’s something positive ( she is lovely with the baby) but nightmarish when the determination is against something that needs to happen (ie get ready for bed, not do something sometimes dangerous stuff like running off on days out/ walks)

Just reading this about the 'lovely when she is with the baby'...

It might help if you put her in charge of a job that is age appropriate...
you know - 'I need you to be in charge of handing me a nappy when I change DD' or some everyday job that makes her feel important.

Even at three you can be in charge of little jobs.
Helping her feel she is really needed?

Bonbon21 · 17/10/2021 18:27

You are noy failing.
You are tired and emotional still from giving birth 12 weeks ago. A major life event.
Your 3 year olds world has been turned upside down. She is no longer the entire focus of your and her Dads attention.
She is testing your love. Give her 1 to 1 even for short bursts during the day, lots of uddles in your special times. But be clear that her behaviour has to be acceptable. And that you and your husband make the rules.
Be kind to you. It will get better. And your sweet girl will reappear soon!

Bonbon21 · 17/10/2021 18:27

Argh!
NOT failing....

beigebrownblue · 17/10/2021 18:31

I would second and third and fourth the 'not failing'...

Looking after kids at that age or any other is a very fast learning curve every day especially if you didn't have brilliant role models in your birth family.

And it is very diffferent from doing any other kind of voluntary or paid work. For one you don't have a supervisor checking in with how you are feeling every week, and no training either ....

So actually it is more difficul than the roles you mentioned.

CarbonMonoxideParty · 17/10/2021 18:34

You have a massive power struggle going on. Obviously !

How much power does she get daily How much can she choose ?

How about 1-2-1 time with her? Can you get 10/15 time with her every day totally uninterrupted with her choosing the activity (you could make a list of options). Recommend non tech.

hemhem · 17/10/2021 18:51

I once heard a new sibling arriving being as disruptive and unsettling to your child as if your husband brought a new partner home and suggested you all get along happily in a relationship. Your DD1 is desperately trying to regain control and underwhat.is going.on in her world. She needs more.not less.of you. Especially if she's also started.nursery this year. Put DD2 down to nap and focus all your attention on DD1, every day if you can. Let her take the lead in games, try to give her some element of control when playing and she might be less demanding at other times.

3 year olds are hard work, they constantly test boundaries. Its essential you set and maintain fair boundaries and don't let the testing phase you, its normal and healthy, if exhausting! Its also ok if you lose your temper occasionally, we're all human.

WildWombat · 17/10/2021 18:58

If it's any consolation, OP, I could have written your post. Currently on 'holiday' with my three year old and baby and wishing I could just hide in the bathroom and cry. Can't wait to get past this awful phase. A newborn is a piece of cake in comparison!

Jujujuly · 17/10/2021 19:11

OP I’m in a similar boat. Age gap is 2.5 years so have a 3.5 year old and baby almost 1. The 3 year old is a complete nightmare. We do all the things suggested on this thread but it’s such a tough age. Hopefully it will pass soon for us both!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/10/2021 19:14

Stop doing what she tells you to do.
Eg. If you are humming or singing and she says stop, say no X, I won't. If you want to play in your room while I tidy up, that's fine.

earsup · 17/10/2021 19:15

my dad used to use the transit van for any tantrums....we were locked in for a few hours...nothing but a box of nails to play with....he was tough....establish boundaries...be firm....sanctions....

ThePoisonousMushroom · 17/10/2021 19:16

@earsup

my dad used to use the transit van for any tantrums....we were locked in for a few hours...nothing but a box of nails to play with....he was tough....establish boundaries...be firm....sanctions....

Yeah don’t do this OP.

Fetarabbit · 17/10/2021 19:17

baby is now 12 weeks and love her she is so sweet and lovely, does not beat me down like DD with her attitude, stroppiness, arguing with everything she is told (ie she asks a question, we tell her the answer and every single time she says ‘no it isn’t mummy/ daddy’) flat refusals to do basic things like brushing teeth, hand washing etc

Well of course she doesn't, she is only 12 weeks old and that would be rather creepy!

I found pre school age to be very challenging as well, but things like the singing- carry on, it's not harming her. Tell her mummy enjoys singing but if she would like a quiet space she can go x. If she says no, explain why that's not acceptable but get down to her level and explain in terms she will understand, ie we need to brush our teeth because... and when we have brushed them we can have a story (mine thrived on routine, and were often more accepting of doing stuff they didn't want to if they knew where it fitted in the routine and that it was non negotiable). Don't be afraid to stand your ground, it doesn't have to be a case of shouting or whatever, but she doesn't get to do what she wants when she wants just because she can. Set boundaries, if she responds well to rewards or praise then make sure to do that- try a sticker chart or something visual. Ask her why she feels x way, there might be a reason.

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 19:25

You’re not failing you’re tired!

In the most living way you don’t need to try and carve it out you need to schedule it and prioritise it like your daughters mental health depends on it.
Like it’s a drs appt bit tou don’t have ti get dressed and travel there
10 mins, uninterrupted. Even just one story book in the morning

She will be easier to manage all day if you fill her cup in the am than is you make her wait and keep asking for it/ leave her feeling unfulfilled

There is a book called siblings without rivalry. It’s sounds like ones you have had some sleep it would really help you understand this big transistion from your daughters view better x

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 19:26

Thank you everyone, I really value your advice. Just had a shower and good cry. Read your responses and back to crying again! DH did dinner for DD and settled baby (he is my hero).

Am so tired it plays havoc with my emotions and I don’t have time out anywhere away from the home or hobbies anymore, just looking after DC, cleaning, washing and cooking. I used to sing and play musical instruments and do artwork. Maybe that’s why it is so sad for me when DD comes up and gently cups my mouth when I sing now, as I used to sing to her when she was a baby and she loved it, it was the only way she would settle for sleep most times. I made special songs just for her. She does still ask me for a lullaby at bedtime sometimes and I love that, so there are beautiful moments mixed in. I wish I had more time to do 1:2:1 with her as I know it would help our relationship and bring our bond closer again but I am so tied with caring for baby and so knackered when she’s finally napping that I don’t have much energy to play with DD for long. Is little and often the way to go do you think? Would that be enough? She is a good girl really, I’m sure her responses are down to me being at low ebb and unavailable due to the new baby a lot of the time. She’s still at the age where she says ‘lello’ instead of yellow, and gets so excited and joyful when we play with bubbles, and strokes my hair when I’m tired, the way I stroke hers when tucking her in at bedtime.

OP posts:

rolyisntittimefor · 17/10/2021 19:27

Do not run away.

And start "ruling" yourself!

"That's not how we speak to each other in this family so I'm going to walk away"
"That is unkind and rude so I'm going to walk away"....

Etc

MamsellMarie · 17/10/2021 19:30

Can you sing together, can you make up a story together and tell it instead of singing, can you tell her nursery rhymes.

Fetarabbit · 17/10/2021 19:32

@DespairingSAHM

Thank you everyone, I really value your advice. Just had a shower and good cry. Read your responses and back to crying again! DH did dinner for DD and settled baby (he is my hero).

Am so tired it plays havoc with my emotions and I don’t have time out anywhere away from the home or hobbies anymore, just looking after DC, cleaning, washing and cooking. I used to sing and play musical instruments and do artwork. Maybe that’s why it is so sad for me when DD comes up and gently cups my mouth when I sing now, as I used to sing to her when she was a baby and she loved it, it was the only way she would settle for sleep most times. I made special songs just for her. She does still ask me for a lullaby at bedtime sometimes and I love that, so there are beautiful moments mixed in. I wish I had more time to do 1:2:1 with her as I know it would help our relationship and bring our bond closer again but I am so tied with caring for baby and so knackered when she’s finally napping that I don’t have much energy to play with DD for long. Is little and often the way to go do you think? Would that be enough? She is a good girl really, I’m sure her responses are down to me being at low ebb and unavailable due to the new baby a lot of the time. She’s still at the age where she says ‘lello’ instead of yellow, and gets so excited and joyful when we play with bubbles, and strokes my hair when I’m tired, the way I stroke hers when tucking her in at bedtime.

Can you find stuff you can do at the same time as feeding/cuddling baby? DD loved having a doll and she would push her in her little pram when I was pushing DS, did baths when i bathed him etc- kind of made her feel involved when I was doing stuff that needed to be done with baby! Also bubbles- i didn't like doing them in the house so got a projector light thing and baby loved looking at it and DD enjoyed dancing away whilst it was on. 2 birds with 1 stone and all that! Remember juggling 2 is still new as well, be kind to yourself and I am sure you'll settle into a routine that works for you soon.

hemhem · 17/10/2021 19:40

Can you paint with DD1? Go to a music class together? DD2 will obv come along but the focus is on DD1 and what you are doing together. Juggling 2 kids is hard, you have to compromise all the time but 10mins of total focus will last you a while, do it 3x a day and it'll build up your relationship. If maybe ask DH to take baby for a walk in the pram for half an hour and do something just with DD1.

You'll find your own way of regaining balance.

LittleBearPad · 17/10/2021 19:50

Two is bloody hard. Try to give yourself a break. It will get easier juggling them.

pompomsgalore · 17/10/2021 19:51

This was me earlier this year so I totally understand everything you say.

Can you contact your health visitor for support?

Things that worked for me and advice from HV:
Positive praise only. Pick up on anything that she does that is good. (That goes against the grain for me as I'm quite strict naturally).
Ignore all the negative behaviours.
Try and do small things with her little and often. Read a book, play a game, 5 minute mum book was very helpful, paint her nails, love her for being...so. It just praise for behaviours, say something like 'gosh your hair is so long now' so you are praising her for just being herself.
Get out the house every day. Go to the park. Put baby in the sling and be with the older child.

But most of all, time helped, mine got over the trauma of the new baby and now they are in love with each other.

It. Gets. Easier. I. Promise!

ThirdElephant · 17/10/2021 19:53

Mine was like this when I had my second. Hang in there- it does get better!

I listened to the audiobook of, 'How to talk so little kids will listen' and it really helped. I recommend it.

Ruled by a 3 year old

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