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Parenting

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Original poster

Ruled by a 3 year old

67 replies

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 14:19

Just had to come on to vent, my life is utterly ruled by our 3 yr old DD, her moods, tantrums, defiance, saying no to everything. I am exhausted, I feel utterly beaten down and have absolutely no life of my own. I am just about ready to leave with baby to a hotel for a few nights and let DH deal with her as I can’t bear it any longer. DH is wonderfully supportive and helps loads on every front, so is absolutely not down to him not helping as he is a wonderful husband and daddy.

DD doesn’t even let me sing under my breath (something I used to love doing, humming a song while tidying up etc) I am told stop mummy stop. No. 2 baby is now 12 weeks and love her she is so sweet and lovely, does not beat me down like DD with her attitude, stroppiness, arguing with everything she is told (ie she asks a question, we tell her the answer and every single time she says ‘no it isn’t mummy/ daddy’) flat refusals to do basic things like brushing teeth, hand washing etc . My life is ruled by a tiny dictator, who used to be my sweet girl full of love and affection 🙁 she is nearly 4 and I love her but my affection for her has massively waned this last year with what I can only describe as a continual emotional beat down. I feel like a shell of a person. Shall I leave with baby for a few days?

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 17/10/2021 19:55

I think this is quite a normal part of having a second that people don't talk about because it makes you feel so guilty. Dealing with new born sleep deprivation is hard when you only have a new born to deal with; doing it while caring for a preschooler is brutal. In the same way as everything that DH did annoyed me when I had DS1, I found I had so little patience in the early days with DS2 that things that would normally have barely registered that DS1 did drove me mad for a bit - I really couldn't stand him being really loud, for instance. The older one suddenly seems so much older that it's really easy to suddenly start setting your expectations for them too high. I was too strict with DS1 for a while and then suddenly had this moment of clarity that I was expecting him to have grown up because I had less capacity now but that isn't how it works and it isn't fair to expect. He was still so little and I could see that if I didn't compare him to a newborn baby.

It gets lots easier as the baby gets older and as all of you adjust to the new reality.

Youdonthavetobegood · 17/10/2021 19:57

Haha OP, totally just posted the same thread as you about being ruled by a 3 year old. I've felt that today has been better just from having a clearer idea of what I need to do/ what the rules are.
It's effing hard though, especially when you're knackered

Heartofglass12345 · 17/10/2021 20:05

I agree with love bombing too. Leave the baby with their dad for as long as you can and do something nice with her. May be a good idea if she's asking questions and doesn't like your answers to use google/ Alexa? Either that or just say that's the answer and don't discuss it any further.

It is hard and I'm sure you're doing a great job. It's just hard for her too as she's used to having you both all to herself and now all of a sudden a baby is taking up a lot of your time and attention. That's why I think spending time with her is the way forward.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3 year olds 3-6 months old 4 year olds

CarbonMonoxideParty · 17/10/2021 20:39

It doesn't need to be long each day but its consistent, special and she's in charge of choosing what to do each time.

Make sure she's getting plenty of other age appropriate times to control and exert her power.

black2black · 17/10/2021 20:54

I’m watching this thread too as I have a bossy 3 year old who tells me to stop singing too. I tell him no he’s not the boss, Mummy is and he defiantly says “NO, I AM THE BOSS”. I tell him this is rude etc but he doesn’t care. A reward chart is helping for things like getting PJs on, teeth brushed, tidying toys away etc.

Original poster

DespairingSAHM · 17/10/2021 21:46

Thank you, I will re-group tomorrow and make sure she has focus time with me and can chose the activity we do. I agree I think this might help her feel loved and special and prevent all the frustration building up and coming out in all the refusing / acting up behaviours.

She loves craft stuff (paintings / sticking/ glitter) but I have been avoiding suggesting that recently as is so messy and time consuming and baby normally needs me for a feed or nap settle not long into it (last time I ducked off to change baby who also needed outfit change from milk spit up, the glitter had fallen on the floor and DD had it and glue all over hands, face, clothes!). Will wait to do that one with her when DH is free to look after baby, but plenty of other activities and things she would enjoy doing together- we did an autumn nature walk last week and she loved it, collected lots of autumn ‘treasures’ 😊

Is there a particular way you do a “Love bomb”? Not heard of it before but like the sound of it!

Will also have a think and give her more special big sister jobs to do for baby like get a clean nappy or teething toy (baby already teething at 12 weeks(!!) (We have done this but not consistently)

Thank you so much for all your help and suggestions

OP posts:

black2black · 17/10/2021 22:16

An easy one OP is to read a book together. That doesn’t take long and my DS loves cuddling up to me to read Bear Hunt

CarbonMonoxideParty · 17/10/2021 22:20

There's a book called love bombing forget the author. Effectively it's letting;them choose nut for longer periods. Like a weekend away. I might be wrong though. Google it.

I know though that that approach would have made it much harder for my kids not easier. Short sharp sessions became a thing and were cherished.

I feel for you. At that stage I was on my knees with pnd and if someone on the internet suggested i did activity of child's choosing Id have wanted to punch them!

Anything you can't manage, just don't have it as an option. Eg messy stuff.

black2black · 17/10/2021 22:24

I second what @CarbonMonoxideParty says, just do what you can cope with. I’ve got a 3 year old and a 5 month old and any mess is driving me insane atm, the thought of doing crafts sends a shiver down my spine. I only feel relaxed when it’s tidy.

CarbonMonoxideParty · 17/10/2021 22:26

@black2black

I second what *@CarbonMonoxideParty* says, just do what you can cope with. I’ve got a 3 year old and a 5 month old and any mess is driving me insane atm, the thought of doing crafts sends a shiver down my spine. I only feel relaxed when it’s tidy.

Playdoh used to do this to me..... shudder central !

black2black · 17/10/2021 22:29

@CarbonMonoxideParty same here. I’m just doing books at the moment. Nice and tidy. I’m sure I’ll be able to cope with mess again once I’m not so bloody tired all the time

NewtoHolland · 17/10/2021 22:40

This too shall pass,

Three year olds are impulsive defiant little beasts at heart and thats only going to be exacerbated by a new baby.

You need to get on top of that power balance bit though, feeling in some way a victim of your child will really damage your relationship. She is just being 3, and you're the grown ups who need to put the boundaries in place for her. You are totally capable of doing this it's just a skill to learn and like anything new takes time to get comfortable with and good at. Maybe give that helpless/childlike aspect of your personality (we've all got one) a pep talk from your capable adult side, you can totally do this. It's just like anything new, remember when it felt like you could never drive/ another skill you've established that took time. With every stage of parenthood there is some joy to be found, and some really tough challenges, but you are up to this, and there are so many resources and tools out there to help you too.

Definitely it's a time for drawing closer to her rather than running away. When do you get time just you two? Can you take her to the park for an hour while someone watches baby nap? Or spend babies nap times having some special big girl time?

When you've implemented that closeness maybe you can start introducing some breaks like her going for a sleepover at close friend or grandparents for a night?

Abandoning her wouldn't be fair, or the answer.

lisaandalan · 17/10/2021 23:36

I'm sorry OP but you have tried to be to friendly with her, you don't let a three year old tell you to stop humming and actually stop, you need to put firmer boundaries in, if she shows off put her in her room or something every time, if she wants to go to a friends birthday party and hasn't been good, don't let her go.
Be firm but fare and stick to it, you will end up disliking you own and I'm sorry to say it will be your parenting skills to blame.
Get tougher. X

MamsellMarie · 18/10/2021 05:54

This is a good book if you haven't already seen it -www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-parenting-4377301-Ruled-by-a-3-year-old" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X

And here's a pdf file which seems to be the main points in the book. You might get some ideas from that. larrr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/SmallKids.pdf

Fundays12 · 18/10/2021 07:08

OP I don’t mean this to sound harsh as I have 3 kids one with additional needs and it’s not easy but your daughter is behaving like this because she is being allowed to. What consequence are there for her being rude to you both? Do you give in to her and stop singing or tell her of? You need to nip this behaviour in the bud now for all your sakes. Some people may not agree with this but I use time out on the step for my kids. The reason I like this is it does work for my kids but also gives me a few minutes to recharge ( a minute per year of age). You need to be consistent with it and tell her why she is going on time out, if she doesn’t sit out her back on and keep doing it until she does her 3 minutes then explain to her what behaviour she demonstrated that was unacceptable, get her to apologise and give her a cuddle afterwards. Your daughter needs to learn her behaviour has consequences and will not be tolerated otherwise it will only escalate.

pompomsgalore · 18/10/2021 13:32

@Fundays12

I both agree and totally disagree with you entirely 😂 Yes ordinarily behaviours need addressing and the parent needs to remain in control but you are totally neglecting the extenuating circumstances and that the behaviours here are almost certainly because of the new baby. This three year old needs to be shown love and affection till it comes out of her ears.

This will all get better with love and time and then any behaviours that remain can be addressed at a less stressful time for everyone.

NoKandoo · 18/10/2021 13:43

@DespairingSAHM

Sorry hit post too early. Anyway I am trying so hard to be as good a mum as I was in babyhood and toddler days but finding this stage so so hard. When I get cross with her I hate myself and feel like a terrible mum. I feel like I go from being too permissive to too strict 😞

OP, I think every parent has a stage they find really hard. I found babies a bit boring, toddlers absolutely beyond brilliant, 5-11 a bit meh , and teenagers absolutely horrendous. I thought I was a fantastic mother when my children were toddlers/pre-schoolers; now I think I'm a terrible mother. Your moment will come. Meanwhile, your older daughter is almost certainly jealous of the baby and needs a bit more firmness but also a bit more time just with you.

Give her guided choices so she feels as if she has a bit of power, while not having much at all (red plate or blue plate? etc).

Your time for hobbies etc will come back. I know you feel that you're not doing a very good job of this, but it sounds to me as if you are.

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