Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Custody of one year old

51 replies

lilu38 · 16/10/2021 08:33

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice on what is deemed reasonable custody for my ex over our one year old daughter! I will be going back to work full time in November and she will be in nursery! Since we have split up he has been able to see her whenever he wants (whether he chooses to see her is a different matter). She has never spent a night without me and I have always been her main caregiver, even when we were living together. I was thinking one night a week, after she has settled into nursery, and one day during the weekend (I don't know whether every weekend or every other weekend). And then he is welcome to come over during the weeknight evenings to give her dinner/bath her whenever he likes! Is this reasonable? I want a plan/routine set it stone and something that will give my little girl stability, whilst she is still able to maintain a relationship with her father.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 08:46

If you want a set plan, are either of you applying for a Child Arrangements Order?

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 08:48

I think we both want to try and resolve it ourselves, so haven't looked into this.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 08:50

From your point of view, it might be easier to go through the Court but it's entirely up to you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting
Dillydollydingdong · 16/10/2021 08:54

You need to agree this with him, not just decide for yourself and expect him to fall into line. What does he want?

BlibBlabBlob · 16/10/2021 08:57

I would think very carefully about a plan that involves him coming to your house/flat of an evening, whenever he fancies it, to do her dinner/bath. That could become very intrusive as time goes on.

Is overnight contact something he wants? It doesn't sound like he has much experience in caring for her solo overnight. She is still very little and one night a week where she's in a different place and without her primary caregiver might not actually be in HER best interests at this stage.

Remember that your child's needs matter most. She is not a possession that he is entitled to a fair share of.

She should indeed have lots of contact with her father and the chance to build a positive relationship, assuming there are no safeguarding concerns e.g. past domestic abuse. But having to live between two different houses isn't necessarily the best way to do this.

gogohm · 16/10/2021 09:00

Little and often is the general advice for little ones. 2 contact times per week but spread out makes sense and make sure he takes the pressure off you. If you can amicably sort this it's so much better and despite the skeptics, if you can let him drop around to help you out during the week it could be a win win - not everyone can do this though. I have keys to my ex's house, not everyone is at war

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:00

@Dillydollydingdong

You need to agree this with him, not just decide for yourself and expect him to fall into line. What does he want?
Ideally he'd like to see her as and when is convenient for him. Be able to cancel and swap around days at last minute to work around his work. I'm not sure if that's very stable for anyone, let alone a one year old child!

It's also a shame it doesn't work the same way with finances. I just have to go along with what he wants to contribute and somehow find the money for rent, bills, food and a £1500 a month nursery bills to provide for my daughter.

OP posts:
Learningtobeafeministagain · 16/10/2021 09:02

Do not say he can come when he likes into your space - set boundaries. He could pick her up from nursery and drop her at yours later. Every weekend is a killer - doesn’t give you a weekend off

Opalfeet · 16/10/2021 09:04

Then you need to go through the proper legal channels and get it sorted properly, esp the finances.

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:04

@BlibBlabBlob you've written exactly
How I feel! But whenever I say this to
Him I get met with 'she's my daughter too' and 'I want her to stay over.' He choose to move away and has Admitted that it's because he doesn't have to keep driving back and forth! I have asked him to put off starting overnight stays until she is settled in nursery but he thinks it's me being difficult! He can spend as much time as he wants with her, for example this weekend she has two parties to go to but he won't take her to either as he finds it 'too awkward.'

OP posts:
Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:05

@gogohm this is great advice thank you. Is this overnight stays? X

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 09:05

In that case then I'd say he can have her in a Sunday from 9 till 4. If he doesn't like the offer he can apply for a Child Arrangement Order. No Judge in the land is going to give him access as and when he chooses.

I'd also be wary about having him come to your home once a week as well. Suppose you get a new partner?

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:08

@PanicBuyingSprouts thank you for all your helpful comments! It has been a very stressful breakup. I've found him to be very manipulative and he keeps talking about he knows his legal rights! I guess I'm scared to go down a 'legal' route as I've read they very much favour 50/50 custody and I would not want my little
Girl moved from pillar to post through the week! I'd find that stressful so I can't imagine how a young baby would feel. I definitely want her to maintain a relationship with her dad, but he wants it all on his terms and when I try to agree reasonable access he just asks for more and says I'm being unreasonable. Sorry, a lot of waffle!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 16/10/2021 09:09

Your DD needs consistency. So he needs to commit to certain days and to stick to them.

I would insist on that

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:10

@Learningtobeafeministagain thank you! Great advice! Unfortunately he expects me
To be flexible around his work! Even though I will also be working full time.

OP posts:
TheWeatherOutside · 16/10/2021 09:13

Definitely don't tell him he can come round to yours whenever he wants for bed and bath time. That would be madness. That's your home.

You need him to do certain days for your own sanity not just for the benefit of your dd.

I take it he works the same days as you so he can't see her when you are at work and she's at nursery?

I wouldn't take his geography into consideration too much. He will have to start work earlier or apply for flexitime or work a half day a week and use his holiday time.

I would suggest a week evening once a week he collects her from nursery, takes her to his home or wherever and brings her back an hour before bed. And a Saturday or Sunday 9-5 or similar.

TheWeatherOutside · 16/10/2021 09:15

Unfortunately he expects me To be flexible around his work!

His work or where he lives is nothing to do with you anymore and it's not your problem to solve. Don't enter into a discussion about that with him.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 09:16

If he "knows his rights" I think you need to pick a tone that suits you abs DD, like a Sunday and stand firm.

Do you think he's likely to want to look after her half the week, bearing in mind that he'd be responsible for providing the childcare whilst he was at work?

If he's manipulate, that's even more reason not to offer access to your home.

Have you applied for Child Maintenance yet @lilu38? If not, I'd do it today.

Rights of Women are very good if you want to talk through your legal standing Thanks

Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:24

@TheWeatherOutside thank you so much for your post! Again, I agree with you but I'm made
To feel I'm being unreasonable not allowing overnight access yet! He wouldn't want to do what you suggest of a weekday as he would say he would want to bring her home to his and she can stay over (mainly because the driving is so much for him). I just don't know where I stand legally on this! He pays £350 a month, which is what he calculated on the child maintenance calculator. But has no more
Money to pay for childcare (the £1.5k)

OP posts:
Original poster
lilu38 · 16/10/2021 09:27

@PanicBuyingSprouts he worked out he has to pay £350 for child maintenance so that's what he will pay! He won't pay anything towards childcare and I don't think legally he has to! Thanks to the link for rights for women, there is so much online for single dads rights but nothing for women!

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 09:29

Ok so if he's pushing for overnights and says he "knows his rights" take him literally at his word. If he does know his rights he'll have absolutely no problem in applying to the Court for it will he? Even if he's successful, it will be a fairly long process and your DD will be older by then.

If he does get 50/50, which I doubt he will want he won't pay the £350 a month but will have to pay for childcare on the days he has her, although got his can be tricky to sort out.

Again, I think you need to talk this through with Rights of Women Thanks

anunseemlylovefordustin · 16/10/2021 09:29

Please don't have him coming to your house. I made this mistake for the first couple of years and bitterly regret it. I didn't feel at home in my own house, my daughter was confused (he used to turn up sometimes and not other times, sometimes he'd stay for hours and sometimes only 10 minutes). I only did it because my boundaries were very poor when it came to him (even though I'd left him!) We've had about a year and a half now of him not even setting foot inside the door - he had her 9-5 on a Saturday for over a year and that was more than enough for her in terms of upheaval (she's 4) and have just started overnights on a Friday night.

For all his talk of going for full custody, knowing his rights, he was going to take me to court, the first time I ever said calmly to him (in response to more threats about going to court) "ok, go ahead if you feel like you must - I've briefed my solicitor on the situation" all those threats magically stopped. Just my experience and obviously YMMV, but at the least I'd say that having him in your house is not a good idea in terms of healthy boundaries for you.

IggyAce · 16/10/2021 09:30

Given her age and the lack of overnights I start by offering one afternoon/evening during the week where he collects her from nursery and takes her for tea. Also offer one weekend day like suggested Sunday 9-4.
As she gets older from age 2 for example start by adding an overnight for example collects from nursery on a Friday and returns on a Saturday at 4pm plus the week night tea.
Once she is at school the EOW pattern maybe more suitable so collects from school on Friday and returns Sunday afternoon plus a midweek tea each week.
Your daughter needs consistency and I’d stand firm to make sure you achieve this for her. If your reasonable even if he takes you to court you have nothing to worry about.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 09:31

he worked out he has to pay £350 for child maintenance so that's what he will pay!

Have you checked that it's the minimum amount yourself or are you relying on him to be honest? If he's only offering the minimum abs no regular contact it doesn't sound as if he has your DD's best interests at heart.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 16/10/2021 09:36

Given her age and the lack of overnights I start by offering one afternoon/evening during the week where he collects her from nursery and takes her for tea. Also offer one weekend day like suggested Sunday 9-4

No tat the OP has revealed that he's pushing for overnights I wouldn't trust him to bring her back after the teatime contact. In fact at the moment he can keep her as long as he wants and the OP has little redress as she doesn't have a Court Order. If he were to keep the LO, the Courts won't act swiftly unless she is at risk of being in harm abs I'm not sure they'd see being separated from her Mum as harm. Waiting times at the Court are huge as the restructuring brought in had made changes to the way work is processed.

From what the OP has said so far I wouldn't trust a word he says.