Custody of one year old

[lilu38]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice on what is deemed reasonable custody for my ex over our one year old daughter! I will be going back to work full time in November and she will be in nursery! Since we have split up he has been able to see her whenever he wants (whether he chooses to see her is a different matter). She has never spent a night without me and I have always been her main caregiver, even when we were living together. I was thinking one night a week, after she has settled into nursery, and one day during the weekend (I don't know whether every weekend or every other weekend). And then he is welcome to come over during the weeknight evenings to give her dinner/bath her whenever he likes! Is this reasonable? I want a plan/routine set it stone and something that will give my little girl stability, whilst she is still able to maintain a relationship with her father.

[quote lilu38]@BlibBlabBlob you've written exactly
How I feel! But whenever I say this to
Him I get met with 'she's my daughter too' and 'I want her to stay over.' He choose to move away and has Admitted that it's because he doesn't have to keep driving back and forth! I have asked him to put off starting overnight stays until she is settled in nursery but he thinks it's me being difficult! He can spend as much time as he wants with her, for example this weekend she has two parties to go to but he won't take her to either as he finds it 'too awkward.' [/quote]
There is no reason why he shouldn’t have her for overnights - he’s her father!
The best thing for your dd is to have a regular routine, not have her father dropping by whenever it suits him.

@anunseemlylovefordustin wow, you are describing my situation to a T! I have really
Poor boundaries at the moment! My family and friends say that I have to set the rules (especially because of the way he has treated me in the past) but the way he speaks to me makes me feel anxious and I constantly doubt myself! I wish I could give you a big hug thank you for taking the time to post. I think I will get some legal advice this week so I can feel stronger in my responses to him.

@PanicBuyingSprouts

Given her age and the lack of overnights I start by offering one afternoon/evening during the week where he collects her from nursery and takes her for tea. Also offer one weekend day like suggested Sunday 9-4

No tat the OP has revealed that he's pushing for overnights I wouldn't trust him to bring her back after the teatime contact. In fact at the moment he can keep her as long as he wants and the OP has little redress as she doesn't have a Court Order. If he were to keep the LO, the Courts won't act swiftly unless she is at risk of being in harm abs I'm not sure they'd see being separated from her Mum as harm. Waiting times at the Court are huge as the restructuring brought in had made changes to the way work is processed.

From what the OP has said so far I wouldn't trust a word he says.

Everything you've written here is what I'm terrified of! He wouldn't want her full time, but I do worry about him taking her for the evening and not giving her back! The whole system is ridiculous if you ask me!

for example this weekend she has two parties to go to but he won't take her to either as he finds it 'too awkward.

It doesn't sound as though he's going to want 50/50 custody does it?

A Judge is unlikely to give him half time if he's saying "yeah but not this weekend Judge, who want to take a baby to a party?"

@lilu38 I'd ask @MNHQ to move this over to Relationships, you'll get some experienced MNers in there.

The Legal Section on MN is also useful as some Solicitors often help in that section.

Please do love. I didn't even have a solicitor at the time I said that to him! But something had just sort of clicked inside me. I so wish I'd done it sooner, but I was under the (mistaken) impression that I was doing the right thing for everyone. I wasn't, I was just letting myself be driven by my hatred of confrontation and my anxiety about his reactions to everything.

I've got to the point now where I know clearly that every decision I make is only about her best interests - which means I have no fear about making them and upholding them. His best interests are nothing to do with me, they're his responsibility as a grown ass man. It's a good place to be. I hope you get to that place too (and sooner than I did!)

Everything you've written here is what I'm terrified of! He wouldn't want her full time, but I do worry about him taking her for the evening and not giving her back! The whole system is ridiculous if you ask me!

All the more reason to speak to Rights of Women and tell him to apply through the Court for access.

If he's been abusive and still is, have you kept the messages abs are you applying for a Non-Molestation Order?

Sounds like you've been playing it his way for too long

(To be clear, I did seek legal advice a couple of days after I'd said that to him - and it put my mind so much at ease that, again, I wish I'd done it YEARS earlier). I think speaking to a solicitor would really help to see things clearly - it definitely did for me.

@PanicBuyingSprouts @anunseemlylovefordustin thank you so much for taking the time to respond! It means so much to me! I have had a horrible first year into motherhood, with little support from my ex (who was drinking heavily at the time) it's resulted in some very angry arguments and obviously a split! I've been told time and time again the split is my fault as I would get angry and personal in arguments (never mind he got physical). I've spoken to woman's aid but it's hard to see the wood through the trees! I have never stopped him seeing my little girl, I FaceTime him so he can see her all the time and we even put our differences aside and spent her birthday together! I just feel overnight stays and starting nursery full time all at once is too much! He doesn't seem to get it and thinks I'm being manipulative! It's a real head fuck and I feel I've lost all ability to think rationally or stand my ground xxx your words of support have meant so much

Ok so definitely speak to Women's Aid again again about the violence and drinking. Did you report it to the Police at the time?

I would definitely go for a Non-Mol and I'd be talking to Women's Aid about giving him access at all if he's a violent drinker. If he wants access, abs applies for it, I think I'd be asking for supervised access.

Please please see a solicitor, that way you can decide how this will most likely proceed through court and have a clear head about your decisions.
He is already trying to control you what do you think will happen if you allow him to come over whenever he feels. That basically forces you to never have a life until your dc is older. It's very unlikely care will be 50:50 right now.
I'm sure others will come along to help you but legal advice is a must here and probably court too. I bet he backs off if you even mention it though.

He has now called me demanding he has LG over night and that I can't keep her away from him (I haven't at all, he refuses to take her to birthday parties that I've said he can take her to) and he knew about these two parties for over a week! He screamed down the phone I was a c u next Tuesday and that I'm manipulative and controlling! We had quite a heated discussion (I tried my best to say civil). I then text and said I am going to seek advice from a solicitor before committing to anything. I have also since tried to call him to say LG is awake from nap if he wants to spend time with her but he won't pick up calls! I feel so anxious, he even said he had recorded the phone call we just had! Sorry to vent... I just feel I am being reasonable and the only thing I have put my foot down is to overnight stays until she is settled at nursery!

Parents don't have rights over their children, they only have responsibilities. You have rights to your privacy at home and to a clear routine. He does not have the right to pop in and see her when it suits him. You are not obliged to keep open house for him!

He has an obligation to support his child financially and this is not linked in any way to the contact he has with her.

The quicker you get this on a legal footing the better. He seems to be yanking your chain all over the place!

Please get legal advice, or speak to women's aid. You and your little girl deserve to get everything you are entitled to, and you need to be certain of exactly what is reasonable contact time for her father. He sounds abusive and unreliable.

Honestly, it sounds to me less about him actually wanting to spend time your his dd and more about wanting to be in charge of you.

If he wants his dd, he needs to be independent of you. Not seeing her at your house at a random time of his choosing.

I suppose that he should be focused on building up his relationship with his dd so that she feels comfortable spending the night at his home but that's not your job to facilitate that. Is he having her at any time this weekend after the parties?

@TheWeatherOutside I called him straight after the party today he didn't pick up. I text to say I'd be coming home to put her for a nap and then I'd let him know when he could come and see her! He turned up when she was mid nap and when I told him this he drove off! I then called him and that's when he got angry saying he wanted to see her more than a couple of hours a day and he should have her overnight and I need to stop being controlling (this weekend is an exception as ok NCT babies have their birthdays at same time). I said he could take her to the parties and spend the whole day with her (he didn't want to go as claimed too awkward/he wouldn't know anyone). He then said he would be around at 8am tomorrow to have her for the day. When I asked whether he would be taking her to the second party he said no, and I got angry and said he thinks more about himself than daughter as she loves being around other children! I find he only wants her overnight for convenience. If he genuinely wanted to spend time with LG he has the options! Ahhh so frustrating

You would be quite daft to let him have her all day tomorrow. Turn your phone off and go stay elsewhere if you can. If not I'd still turn phone off, shut curtains and leave him be until you can get legal advice.

Also, you need to take responsibility for your actions here, you are enabling him to do this by jumping everytime he says how high. This is because you are afraid and that's understandable, so turn your phone off and look after your dc until you can sort this out appropriately and with a third party, which won't include texting him at all tbh.

Thanks @purplebooks I think I'm so scared of losing custody I'm trying to appease him so much! Which is causing more tension! I'm worried if the court see I have denied access it will go against me! Totally know I am probably enabling his behaviour

Of course you're scared, that's ok it's your baby but you've been good to your ex and done everything you can and he's being difficult, now you have evidence of this and it could escalate against you if emotions get out of hand and thats what he wants. If you lose it, he is in control and he wants to control you.

Don't let him control you, be strong for your baby you can do this. Some solicitors allow 30 min free to go through your options. Fill your time now researching solicitors in your area.

Don't tell him what you're doing.
Have you got any support in RL you can turn to?

@purplebooks I have told him I'm going to speak to a solicitor for advice over a text message! Other than that I just reiterate how fair I've been and point out that on numerous occasions he has been able to see her but he doesn't want to but it's only for a few hours! He already calls me loon boob, mad and mental! I suffered from PND during the past year, I think mainly due to lack of support and stress of relationship! He even told me he'd called someone about my mental health as he was 'so concerned' but when I asked who he had called he wouldn't tell me abs called me controlling! Xxx thanks for your kind words

Make sure you keep all of the texts, especially the ones where he is abusive.

I don't know if I was clear about Rights of Women earlier, it's free legal advice. I really would call them when they're open.

You won't lose custody of your DD but you do need legal advice and to stop replying to his texts and calling him to offer contact.

Op! I was in the same predicament as you with a controlling ex who wanted to control me when we split. I was helped by my family to buy a house that was mine and not his to get some power back. Like you I thought I would let him visit and have access in my home. It was a total failure resulting in me having to call thePolice because he refused to leave when I asked him. I eventually saw a Lawyer who reassured me straightaway by pointing out all the flaws in his 'legal rights' argument. When he threatened to get full residency of the children I learnt to respond by saying "OK get your lawyer to speak to mine and set a court date!" Surprise he showed his threats were coercive not real. He was also living in his old bedroom at his parents house so was told he could not have the boys overnight until he could provide a separate bedroom for them. My advice to you my lovely is to record everything and document everything. Screenshot his abusive texts keep a diary of when exactly he sees his daughter and for how long. If he is unreliable this diary will show the courts this and prove that no matter what he says he wants for access it is not going to be achievable while he is unreliable. And any time he makes you feel threatened or in danger call the Police on 101 to log it as a complaint or 999 if you need urgent assistance. My ex went into court and acted like dad of the year and pointed out all my flaws to the court welfare officer while I sat there and said nothing ( being polite etc). When it was my turn to speak he started shouting and bawling at me. The welfare officer told him to be quiet and and stop being abusive. It went into her report for the judge. He acted like the big I am in front of the judge who after reading the report told hil that his silver tongue and woe is me look wasn't fooling anybody. After that he behaved himself because he knew I had the backing of the court and the police. Don't let him bully you OP! Stand your ground. You are the main carer and he has to work around you and be reliable. I would still ask the CSA to conduct a review so that you know you are getting the right amount And if he misses payments whether deliberately or not they can garner his wages to make sure the money is paid for your little girl. My ex demanded they start up a trustfund so that the money was held for them until they were 18!!! The CSA laughed at that! That's how idiotic and self-important he was!!! It sounds like a really tough journey to embark on but believe it or not it does make you stronger and there will come a time where you think "whatever did I see in him?" We are all here to support you whether you need advice, to vent or a shoulder!!!! You can do this!!!

@PanicBuyingSprouts thank you so much! I can call then on Monday evening! I think once I get a legal opinion my anxiety might relax a bit! Thanks for all your support! You're an Angel

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea thank
You so much for your reply! It feels comforting I'm not alone! I'm sorry you had to deal with such a shit! Some men really do the rest of them a disservice! I know I need to be strong and once I get legal advice I'll feel much better! It's such a weird place to be in and you think you know someone and then they completely act in a way you'd never expect xxx really appreciate your kind words and support! Be careful what you wish for I might be venting a lot

Just checking in OP, to see how you're doing.

@anunseemlylovefordustin thanks so much for checking in! I spoke to citizens advice, they had no advice other than father is allowed to only pay maintenance and suggested mediation! I'm trying to get hold of Rights of women, but their line seems to be down at the moment. He's pushing to have her stay overnight this Saturday but I'm reluctant before I get legal advice. I've been thinking to suggest to him
1 overnight stay at the weekend
1 day at the weekend
1 afternoon during the week
With one weekend a month I can have her for the whole weekend. (I feel this is only fair as I will be working full time too, paying the majority of the costs etc. I'm worried to suggest it though, in case he wants that too. It's so complicated)! I'm just anxious about the whole thing. Hope you're well too! Really appreciate your kindness xxxx