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Original poster

Completely lost my sh*t with my toddler. Feeling awful.

55 replies

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 12:01

I'm heavily pregnant, exhausted and struggling.

Took almost-3 year old to dance club this morning, after which she had a very public meltdown because she didn't want to wear her shoes. She was refusing to walk, screaming at the top of her lungs, and kicking me every time I went close. I had several shopping bags and I really can't carry her anymore, I'm going to do myself an injury. In the end, I had no choice and I had to pick her up and carry her. I had to put her down several times on the way back to the car but the tantrum continued, so ended up carrying her the whole way. I've hurt myself.

I started off calm and patient completely, but eventually completely lost my temper. I was rough picking her up (maybe inevitable to a certain extent, when you're trying to pick up a dead-weight, screaming toddler, while heavily pregnant and carrying several bags) and I really yelled at her in the car. Home now, and I can't stop crying. I feel guilty for losing my temper, guilty that I'm still so angry (she's over it now, obviously) and absolutely terrified that in a few weeks, I'm going to have to manage this sort of behaviour but with newborn in tow.

Feeling like a comprehensively shitty mother. God knows what all of our spectators thought, watching that little display. What a mess.

Not sure why I'm posting. Please be gentle.

OP posts:

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HarryPotterFan21 · 15/10/2021 12:06

You are not a shitty mother.
Your a mother who lost her shit because your carrying the whole world on your shoulders today.
Do not feel bad, your daughter will be fine. It doesn't hurt to tell them off when they are misbehaving. Be kind to yourself.

Disenamorada87 · 15/10/2021 12:09

You're not the first and not the last mum to lose her temper. Try to work out what you could have done differently. This is a lesson for the next tantrum!
Start afresh tomorrow and forgive yourself for today.

Mybalconyiscracking · 15/10/2021 12:10

I can absolutely assure you that an incident like this will not affect your daughter long-term.
I have two normal happy teens who were subjected to this sort of stuff as toddlers on a number of occasions.
Sometimes it does them good to realise that you too, can get upset!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Families General parenting General pregnancy

Mischance · 15/10/2021 12:13

Panic not! All is well! We have all done this. You do not suddenly become a saint when you become a parent.

And I think you are right that there will be more of this to come when new baby arrives as she will be wanting to pull your attention away from the new arrival.

It will pass.

Have a cup of coffee and forgive yourself.

TopCatsTopHat · 15/10/2021 12:15

I've just got back from town where I saw a little girl so this to her mother. Mum wasn't pregnant and girl wasn't haven't a massive tantrum... My thought was still 'well done that mum for staying patient' we had eye contact so I smiled and wished her luck.
If I saw you with all that going on, I'd offer to carry your bags but certainly wouldn't be rolling my eyes at you.

PlantDoctor · 15/10/2021 12:24

prettypinkflamingo · 15/10/2021 12:30

"Feeling like a comprehensively shitty mother. God knows what all of our spectators thought, watching that little display. What a mess."

You are not a shitty mother. You are an exhausted, heavily pregnant woman who just reached the end of her tether.
I actually think anyone watching you who judged but did not offer a help with your bags are the shitty ones (thinking of the woman who tutted at me and told me off years ago while i was struggling with bags, a suitcase and a toddler under my arm like an angry sack of potatoes)
Have a hug from me OP xx

Original poster

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 12:37

Thanks everyone so much for being so kind. I've obviously dealt with my fair share of public tantrums, but I've never before felt so temped to just drop her off with my husband and drive off into the sunset.

What the heck do I do when I literally get too big to pick her up? Days like today make me wonder if it's even worth leaving the house.

I've got a coffee now and I'm taking some deep breaths. She's eating her lunch in front of the telly. We're still not talking, but I don't think she's realised...

OP posts:

QuentinBunbury · 15/10/2021 12:38

What do you think you could have done differently? Sounds to me like your options were carry her or leave her there!
In my opinion its ok to lose your sh1t with toddlers occasionally as long as you aren't abusive while doing it. They do it enough to you!
Just forget it and move on.
Hope you aren't still in pain?

Comedycook · 15/10/2021 12:40

Give her a cuddle and forget about it

QuentinBunbury · 15/10/2021 12:41

What the heck do I do when I literally get too big to pick her up? Days like today make me wonder if it's even worth leaving the house
My strategy was walk off then stop not far away but out of their sight - somewhere I could watch them - in a gateway for example
And I had a wrist strap they got tied to if they weren't behaving
Identify high risk situations and have a plan to get through them - I.e. I thought we could go for a cake/buy a toy in the shop/whatever after dancing today, if you can get ready and leave nicely.....
It's hard work though

Original poster

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 12:42

I've just stood up and realised that I've really hurt my back. I think I'm going to take today as a sign that I absolutely can't be carrying her now until the baby is born. I guess if this happens again, I'll just have to leave her outside Costa and hope she makes her own way home..?!

OP posts:

WitchDancer · 15/10/2021 12:42

I think we've all been there and done that so please don't beat yourself up about it.

I have been in the same situation where I couldn't carry DS and he was melting down in the middle of a garden centre. I simply sat on the floor with him and wrapped my arms and legs around him in a big hug/restraint and let him cry it out. I got some tuts and eye rolls but there was nothing else I could do.

Parky04 · 15/10/2021 12:43

I would cancel dance club until after the baby is born. One less thing to worry about!

Annabelle780909 · 15/10/2021 12:44

You’re not a bad mum I’m sure it’s happened to everyone (pregnant or not!)..I can relate as heavily pregnant with a 2 year old who is very angry and wilful at the moment!

I’ve been reading a few books to try get my head round toddler tantrums and prepare for baby 2..vaguely remember something about it being important to apologise if you feel you’ve lost control and to explain to them why you were so upset with their behaviour in the hope that eventually they may develop some empathy and return the favour 😁

Original poster

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 12:48

@QuentinBunbury yes, definitely a good tip - I had no plan for today and not a single chocolate bribe on me. Lesson learned!

As with most badly handled meltdowns, I was already feeling quite stressed and irritable. I try to be mindful of my own mood when I'm out with her and things are getting tricky - I definitely could have handled it better but yes, no doubt this won't be the last time. She doesn't seem remotely bothered by it, so I don't think she's been deeply traumatised.

OP posts:

BooseysMom · 15/10/2021 12:59

i actually think anyone watching you who judged but did not offer a help with your bags are the shitty ones

Absolutely this! I think you acted as anyone would under circumstances. I have to tell you something which will you make you feel considerably better. When DS was a toddler he used to have total melt downs for no apparent reason (they don't know why they do it as they can't work out their emotions and voice them to us) and I know now that I had PND. I just wasn't coping, even with DH there. So the one night I was totally knackered from like less than an hour's sleep and DS was in the floor screaming and I smacked him hard on the leg. I just couldn't control it. I then got away from the situation before anything else happened and he followed me. I said "sorry mummy smacked you" over and over but the guilt of that time never left me. Thank god DS doesn't remember. He's 8 now and a lovely kind boy and when I remember that time, I have to tell myself that wasn't me. It never happened again.
Go easy on yourself..you're doing fine x

Muststopeating · 15/10/2021 12:59

I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and 3 month old. DH works away. And we are doing an extension/refurb so the house is chaos.

My shit is lost more than it is found at the moment. I'm so tired. 2 year old is pushing every boundary there is and his tantrums have become very physical. I used to be sooo patient, but I've found that that patience has depleted exponentially with each additional child.

I have no good advice for you, just solidarity. Also, I found with mine that I never got too big to pick them up. You just manage (because you have to). Obviously avoid it whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't possible.

And if anyone passed judgement then stuff em, I'm sure they were knob head toddlers in their previous lives too.

BrilliantBetty · 15/10/2021 13:03

Try and take it easy. Going out with a toddler and pregnant is hard. A tantruming toddler - torture.

My DC1 played up quite a lot when DC2 was due imminently. It was an uncertain time for DC1 and emotions were high all round. And during new born stage. But it settled down and life went on as normal, but I wish i'd made things easier for myself in late pregnancy by not trying to carry on exactly as before because it wasn't as before, should have stayed home, rested more and accepted help offered don't know why I didn't.

Good luck OP. Dd will be fine.

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/10/2021 13:04

We're still not talking, but I don't think she's realised...

I'm sorry, its sounds like you've had a crappy day....but this really made me laugh

You did what you could in a rubbish situation, and dealing with a tantruming toddler in public is rough even not pregnant, so please don't beat yourself up!

Onestep2021 · 15/10/2021 13:10

I’ve been there. One thing I found when my second son was born was that I felt really guilty and concerned that I shouldn’t let my first born feel left out. So I did a lot with him. Outings etc. And actually it was too soon and hard with a newborn. My 1st son didn’t need a farm trip to feel secure and still loved.

Being at home more than normal is ok. I really hope you can go easy on yourself in terms of what you expect from yoursepf once the baby is born

SeaToSki · 15/10/2021 13:17

If one of mine was tantrumming and I couldnt pick them up, I would just stand next to them and read my phone until they were done. I dint talk to them or make eye contact unless it was to repeat in a boring voice, its time to go home. It only works if you dont have a deadline,it takes some guts as you do get a few stares, but I have also had a couple of nice chats with other women who stopped to commiserate.

My DS who would try and run away had a wrist strap and/or I made sure he wore a coat with a hood and that it was zipped as it was easier to grab if he .made a break for it.

The last thing that I started to do when they were three ish was role play what the day was going to look like and what good behaviour looked like before we went out for the day. Hen as we went through the day they got lots of reminders. So when dance class is finished we are going to go and find the car. Then we will drive home and eat some lunch. You can choose if you want a cheese sandwich or a ham sandwich for lunch. Then as you are leaving dance class ask them how are we going to find the car, can you remember where we parked it? Etc

themuttsnutts · 15/10/2021 13:22

I found it easier managing a toddler and a newborn than a toddler while heavily pregnant

memememememememeplease · 15/10/2021 14:13

My son had a tantrum on the way home from pre school this morning. It was midday and he was hungry, he wanted to go to the park.
I told him we will go after lunch. Nope, that wasn't what he wanted so he screamed at me and refused to walk

I had his baby sister in the pram and I struggle to carry him and push the pram so I just waited next to him whilst he had a tantrum on the pavement 😅 Eventually he calmed down and walked the rest of the way home.

I okay'd his feelings but I held the boundary and he got the message.

I follow Big Little Feelings on Instagram, they're fantastic and their advice has saved me a lot of times!! Have a look.

It's ok that you got upset though, it's happened to most of us and we understand!
Tomorrow is a new day.

RaoulDufysCat · 15/10/2021 14:24

God knows what all of our spectators thought, watching that little display.

Anyone who has ever parented a toddler will have been feeling very sorry for you. We've all been there.

And it's OK that you got upset. Children do actually need to know that you have feelings too and they can go too far.

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