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Original poster

Completely lost my sh*t with my toddler. Feeling awful.

55 replies

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 12:01

I'm heavily pregnant, exhausted and struggling.

Took almost-3 year old to dance club this morning, after which she had a very public meltdown because she didn't want to wear her shoes. She was refusing to walk, screaming at the top of her lungs, and kicking me every time I went close. I had several shopping bags and I really can't carry her anymore, I'm going to do myself an injury. In the end, I had no choice and I had to pick her up and carry her. I had to put her down several times on the way back to the car but the tantrum continued, so ended up carrying her the whole way. I've hurt myself.

I started off calm and patient completely, but eventually completely lost my temper. I was rough picking her up (maybe inevitable to a certain extent, when you're trying to pick up a dead-weight, screaming toddler, while heavily pregnant and carrying several bags) and I really yelled at her in the car. Home now, and I can't stop crying. I feel guilty for losing my temper, guilty that I'm still so angry (she's over it now, obviously) and absolutely terrified that in a few weeks, I'm going to have to manage this sort of behaviour but with newborn in tow.

Feeling like a comprehensively shitty mother. God knows what all of our spectators thought, watching that little display. What a mess.

Not sure why I'm posting. Please be gentle.

OP posts:

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CasaBonita · 15/10/2021 14:33

Please don't worry! Toddlers are utterly infuriating at times. I lost my shit on a few occasions when mine was that age. It certainly hasn't mentally scarred him in any way!

Sipperskipper · 15/10/2021 14:38

God do not feel bad. We have all been there, many times. My DD is now 4 and out of that phase (thank GOD!) but little DD (14 months) is just heading into it. I forgot how overwhelmingly stressful it can be! Several times with DD1 I had to go into the bathroom alone and scream at the top of my lungs, just to let the rage out.

Original poster

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 14:42

You're all so lovely, I'm feeling infinitely better reading these replies. Thank you.

I'm so tired. I've told my husband that I'm going for a bath and bed at 7pm - counting down the hours now!

OP posts:

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Bumpsadaisie · 15/10/2021 14:48

We've all got one or two incidents like this in the cupboard! Don't beat yourself up too much if it is just one or two incidents.

Be kind to her, try to learn from it next time. You can't be a saint 100% of the time - just do your best. One lapse doesnt wipe out the three years of good parenting you have done for her.

But at the same time, do try not to do it again. Think about how you could avoid getting to that level where you lose it next time. If it happened lots and lots it would be damaging to her - but you know that, that is why you are posting.

Good luck with your new baby. It will all be alright.

Luckytattie · 15/10/2021 14:53

I think it's pretty normal to lose it like you did bit the most concerning part of this for me is:
We're still not talking, but I don't think she's realised
I can't tell if this is a joke but if you are actively thinking of ignoring your toddler then that is wrong.
Lots of people do this in relationships and it's emotional abuse.

Original poster

Mybobowler · 15/10/2021 15:01

@Luckytattie don't worry - it was a joke!! Of course I wouldn't really ignore her

She had a big cuddle when we got home, I said I was sorry for shouting at her in the car, and now she's cheerfully painting her own face. She's fine!

OP posts:

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/10/2021 15:05

I've dragged a tantrumming 4 year old out of Marks and Spencers by the ankle once. Thank god for their highly polished floors. The struggle is real.

Suzi888 · 15/10/2021 15:06

I don’t think you shouting at your toddler was particularly unjustified to be honest. She was having a tantrum, you shouted (maybe a bit more than you would have liked). But it’s done now, toddler will forget it and maybe (but probably not) won’t be so stroppy in future! I second standing there when she’s having a meltdown, everyone’s been there and people can guess what’s happening.

longtompot · 15/10/2021 15:23

As you can see, we've all been there, got the badge. It does pass, but it's difficult when you are so heavily pregnant and they are uncooperative. Could you use a pushchair for these sorts of things? You say she's under 3, so still quite young and probably tired after dancing. I am imaging it was quite close to lunch? so she was also possibly a bit hangry. I used my youngests pushchair for a bit longer than really necessary as we had a rush from preschool to primary school to collect her siblings.

WhatIsThisPlease · 15/10/2021 15:24

Aww OP, don't be so hard on yourself. We've all been there.

I remember once going mad with DS for trying to clean up his poo when he'd had a potty training accident. I came down to the kitchen to find him smearing poo into a brown wooden floor with a dry toy mop. It was everywhere. The stench was unbelievable. My DD was crawling towards it and I really lost it. I went mad at him telling him that was Mummy's job and he should never try to clean it up himself etc etc. It makes my heart hurt to think of it now. He was only trying to help.

He's 17 now and even though I've mentioned it to him often, he doesn't bear a grudge.

He also doesn't clean up after himself any more 😂

Noeuf · 15/10/2021 15:30

Have you tried to let her? Within reason, obviously. ‘We wear shoes because we need to keep our feet warm and safe’ and then just carry the shoes if she refuses. By number four I let them have consequences (obviously not harmful) - wet when raining, hungry when refusing to eat etc etc.

EnidFrighten · 15/10/2021 16:15

Fwiw, I found newborn+toddler easier than pregnant+toddler. At least you can bend!

Could you take the pram out in future so you can hang bags on there and strap her in if she tantrums? Easier than carrying. I very quickly got a double pram when dc2 was born!

I found that over time, I recognised the feeling of being about to lose my temper and could count to ten, take a deep breath or whatever to avoid it.

I also decided not to take DD anywhere near shops until she was older as it wasn't worth the bother!

Maray1967 · 15/10/2021 16:22

I’m sure most of us have been there and we’re all wiser with hindsight.
Best advice- don’t have heavy bags with you. Shop another time. Do use reins so you can keep hold of them easily. Let them set off without shoes on - they’ll normally realise quickly that they want them. Or just sit the tantrum out - my favourite was putting them in the pushchair, firmly strap them in and take them down a quiet side street and letting them face a brick wall until they’d stopped screaming.

firstimemamma · 15/10/2021 16:24

It happens to us all. I lost my temper with my 3 year old a few months ago now and it was shit. You'll feel better soon.

HalzTangz · 15/10/2021 16:51

I got shouted at once when my daughter was two years old. The crime I committed was letting her splash in puddles (she had waterproofs and wellies on, and he was on the other side of the road), so not a case of splashing him as he walked by. Apparently I was an unfit mother for allowing puddle splashing to a girl who was laughing and giggling as she jumped.
I didn't lose any sleep 9ver his comment, but did tell him he needed to go see the 'fun' fairy as he was obviously lacking in that department.

OP don't stress about it, kids have tantrums, parents sometimes shout, as for spectators, who gives a flying toot what they think

Phelicity · 15/10/2021 17:16

I am glad the OP is receiving almost universal support here, quite rightly, whilst another poster in a comparable situation is receiving an awful lot of blame, even condemnation.

I think we need to be very careful with our words in responding to appeals for advice in situations like these, and err on the sympathetic, supportive side, which isn’t always the case. Confidence in parenting can be a very fragile thing.

trilbydoll · 15/10/2021 17:33

I used to grip the top of their arms so tight they couldn't escape and physically drag them if I couldn't carry them. If you march quickly enough their little legs have no choice but to windmill along trying to keep up they both hated it and usually agreed to walk!

I also agree with the pushchair, it is often a lot easier to force them into the pushchair and strap them in. Even if they're screaming, you can keep moving in the right direction.

WhispersOfWickedness · 15/10/2021 17:52

I lost my temper a few times when mine were toddlers, they are now 10 and 11. The other day one of them remarked on a parent of their friend shouting and seemed a bit surprised that this was a 'thing'. I asked if they remembered me shouting when they were younger... no recollection whatsoever, they seemed quite surprised that I might ever have shouted

Wagglerock · 15/10/2021 18:01

I once had to drag 3yo DS through the park by his arm with then 7 week old DD strapped to me (and split a bit of my c section wound reopen while doing so) while he had a huge tantrum. Finally got him back in car, had the biggest shouty rant I've ever done, we all cried, drove home in silence. We both said we were sorry, I spent a long time deep breathing in the kitchen when we got home and that was it.

Sometimes I think it actually works to let them know when they've massively messed it up (as DS had done there) and we're only human. Hope you've had a better afternoon.

Echobelly · 15/10/2021 18:09

If it helps, I once totally lost my shit with DD when she was 3, and it wasn't even her fault. I was angry with her dad about something, and really stressed out that I couldn't find the outdoor sports thing I was supposed to be taking her to. I yelled at he so badly that she wet herself and then couldn't go to the thing and obviously I felt dreadful.

Asked DD last year about it when she was 12 - she has absolutely no recollection of it at all.

If you are a good enough parent the majority of the time, honestly these failings, even a truly shitty one when it's not even remotely your child's fault, do not matter in the long run.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/10/2021 18:18

She got away lightly. In days gone by it would have been a swift smack! We're a lot more civilized now, but I'm not sure that it's a step forward. Lucky my DC are grown up!

CyclingIsNotOuting · 15/10/2021 18:18

Next time strap her into the buggy.
It’s easier to wrestle them in that then carry them. I find a strategically placed knee helps.

PottersParties · 15/10/2021 18:35

for you OP.

As others have said, once baby is here your big ‘un may calm down. I got a side-by-side buggy and they would both go in there.

Strategy-wise, I take crocs/wellies for mine to get into after swimming/dancing - proper shoes seems to be the last straw for all of us in those situations!

Who021 · 15/10/2021 20:00

Have a 3 year old and a 4 month old and definitely relate to what you're coping with! Due to pain issues I couldn't take my toddler to any activities for the last month of my pregnancy, I felt awful at the time but it was just a phase and seems a distant memory now. We just stayed at home in house or garden, watched lots of TV and tried to make life as simple as possible.

My 3 year old's behaviour was pretty awful at that time and until the new baby was 3-4 weeks old. After that things have definitely got much easier. Obviously still tantrums but toddler has accepted the baby is here to stay and I'm so much more physically capable of looking after them both. So don't worry, things will get better!

november90 · 15/10/2021 20:09

As much as many might deny, we've all been there, more then once.
Parenthood is so demanding and these toddlers can just be so unreasonable!!!
You clearly love your daughter so deeply, that's what matters. Be gentle on yourself too ♥️♥️♥️

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