Did anyone have a second child despite hating the baby stage?

[Opus17]

Hi everyone,

Basically due to fertility problems, we're likely going to have to make a decision in the next few months whether or not to have a second child through ICSI (DH's swimmers are only getting worse and worse). DS is 15 months old. I'd rather wait until next summer but we may not have the luxury to wait that long.

I would love a second child but the thought of going through the baby stage again fills me with absolute dread. DS had cmpa, screamed all day for his first 5 weeks then after a trip to osteopath, his screaming decreased to every day for around 3-5 hours until around 14 weeks, and it was just absolutely dreadful. It left me and DH with some issues regarding his crying that took us a long time to get over (DH still worries about waking him now cause when that happened back in the early days, the screaming would start again - obviously this never happens anymore unless he's teething or ill).

We relaxed a lot more at 6 months, then from 9 months old, I finally started enjoying being a parent, and from then on, it's mostly been happy times! As a toddler, he's such a happy, content little boy and I adore this stage, and him, so much. Part of me thinks, I'm so happy now, having another baby would send us back into that awful time, and another part of me thinks but it's such a short time in the grand scheme of things, is it worth it to push through it?

I'm just looking for any advice or any experience. Did you really want a second child but not a second baby? Did you do it anyway? How was it? What's it like now they're older? Do you regret it or are you happy you went through the hard stage to now have your two children?

Thanks everyone

I found the newborn stage very very difficult and my mental health suffered massively but we have taken the plunge and our next baby will be with us next week. So I can't tell you how it was and how I coped but were doing it regardless with the view we got through it last time and will so again. Our other child will be 20 months. Wish me luck!

I too found the newborn bit (well, up to about 4 months) awful. Hated it! Unexpectedly fell pregnant when DD was 10 months and baby is due to arrive in November. I am feeling incredibly nervous about it.
That said, DD is a joy to be with now so I keep telling myself it's just a stage to get through. I hope it'll be worth it in the long run.

Me! Hated the first 1 year of both of mine. Decided I could last a year in order to have two but will definitely not do it again. The second time was easier though in that I felt like I knew what I was in for and that it would get better!

Hated the newborn stage (baby with bad reflux, didn't sleep, multiple food intolerances). I really wanted a second child though and had DC2 when DC1 was 2.5. DC2 had many of the same issues but I knew what to expect and how to access support. I also ended up co-sleeping with DC2, which wasn't what I had planned or would have anticipated I would do but ended up making my life much easier and I was far less sleep-deprived than the first time round. It also seemed to help me keep up breastfeeding which I found challenging with DC1.

I found that I was so much more confident the second time round that even having a toddler to deal with as well it all seemed much more manageable.

Also, you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Me! Literally in this stage now (I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old). Although to be fair I didn't realise how much I dislike the baby stage until having my second, so you've probably got a head start if you know that already!

I'm finding it quite hard again (I don't enjoy the relentless nature of it) but the good thing is that you've done it once so you know it comes to an end - I think with your first, you don't know how long certain phases etc are going to go on for and that makes it difficult.

Ultimately the baby stage is very short so think about whether you want a child, not a baby, if that makes sense? However, finding the baby stage really tough is a perfectly acceptable reason not to have another if you don't want to. I imagine it's a tough one though if you feel like you've got to try sooner than you'd ideally like to.

No advice but I could have written this. Also have a 15 month old and really can’t face the baby stage again. He woke pretty much hourly for almost 6 months. During the day he would only nap during walks in the pram. The rest of the time I could not put him down or he would scream. The exhaustion nearly pushed me over the edge. We made the decision that this was it but he is such a delight now (and sleeps better!) that sometimes I catch myself thinking about a second.

DS is an ivf baby. We have a few more on ice which leaves the door open but we definitely won’t do another full cycle.

I found my first so hard but didn’t want a big gap. Had a two year gap. Second baby was fine. I didn’t get PND second time round, I was a lot less neurotic.

It was a risk but luckily it paid off for us.

Yes I did, and posted exactly the same question u did! I had DD when DS was 25 months. She is a year old next week. Ots been tough but I wanted 2 and I'm glad we've done it. I get twinges of wanting a 3rd and then listen to the videos I made when I was in the darkest moments...

Me. DC1 had CMPA and silent reflux, but we didn't realise until he was 8 months old, and we had a hellish 6-8 weeks of getting his symptoms under control. He was a terrible sleeper, too, and we ended up sleep training (once the allergies and reflux were under control) which was hard but worth it.

I wasn't ready to consider having another until after DC1 turned 2. We have DC2 now and it's a 3.5 year gap. I'm not going to lie, it's been really hard having both, but if we just had DC2 I would find it easier than I found DC1, because even though we had similar issues, I was able to recognise them early on and knew what to do about them.

Also had PND both times but took sertraline second time around, which helped a lot.

Short term pain for long term gain, I think. My advice is to go for it.

I could have written your OP apart from the fertility issues. DS had CMPA and we had a horrible time. We knew we wanted another child and a work situation kind of forced us to make a decision and go for it.

It was nowhere near as much of a shock to the system second time round. Knowing about the allergy issue allowed us to keep an eye out for warning signs.

DD didn't sleep particularly well but wasn't screaming for hours like DS was as we had the allergy thing under control.

She is just gorgeous and delightful. So glad we just went for it.

Me, but I waited until DS1 was about to start school as I don't get paid enough to put two kids through nursery simultaneously.

I hated the bewborn stage, had relationship problems as we both really struggled to adjust to our news roles, I had PND, I really don't do well without sleep, I fucking hated it.

Had another baby 3 years later, still hated the newborn stage, but it was much more manageable. I didn't have the PND, my relationship was better, I was much, much less anxious about the baby.
I am now in a really, really happy place with a 5yo and a 2yo, but fuck me I haven't really enjoyed the last few years.

Me! I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old. I really struggled for the first six months with DS1, but have found that it's just got better and better ever since - so convinced myself it was worth going through it again. To my huge surprise and relief it has been very different with DS2 - he's an easier baby but also I'm so much more confident, and also having DS1 around has made mat leave much less boring - it's busier and harder work, but in a way that's been good for me. I assume my payback will come and DS2 will be a nightmare toddler but for now it's pretty good and I actually understand a bit why some people like the baby stage now (though I still think toddlers are better and more fun!)

I had two more.

Absolutely loathed the bay stage with all three but once they hit 18 months it all got so much easier and much more fun and was definitely worth it

I found the newborn stage on my first very hard but I went on to have two more children. The second child was an absolute breeze, lulled me into a false sense of security. The third newborn stage was very difficult. I love the toddler onwards stage but newborn is very hard. In saying that if I had my time back I’d have a 4th.......

Not the question you asked but have you thought about freezing his sperm? My fiancé is in the midst of a healthy eating push before he freezes some

How's your mental health at the moment? And what kind of support do you have in terms of friends and family? These things can make a big difference.

I hated the newborn stage with my first, she had colic and screamed non stop for months, I also had a traumatic birth and very difficult recovery. I wanted a second but really didn't want to put myself through it again. We unexpectedly got pregnant naturally with baby 2 (baby one was icsi) and it was a totally different experience with him, he was such a content baby and really helped me enjoy motherhood. I went on to have a third and would love a fourth.

@Thenameisweasley

Me! Hated the first 1 year of both of mine. Decided I could last a year in order to have two but will definitely not do it again. The second time was easier though in that I felt like I knew what I was in for and that it would get better!

This! I definitely felt more mentally prepared second time round. There was no shock. My second was a better sleeper which definitely helped. His first year has also gone so much quicker. If you do want a second child I would say go for it. The newborn stage is over so quickly even if it doesn't feel like it at the time .

I had PND and hated the baby stage. I then got pregnant by accident nearly 3 years later. Struggled again BUT this is the best thing that has ever happened to us. DS2 is wonderful an absolute joy. We all agree that DS2 completed our family. The boys love each other to bits and our family would be so less special as a threesome.

First three months with my first were hell. My second was an absolute breeze until 4 month sleep regression, he was sleeping 10 hours a night from 2 weeks old until 3.5months and the newborn phase was incredibly easy.

Me! I DETEST the baby stage. DD1 wasn’t a horrendous baby in that she slept ok at night but she had terrible reflux that had to be medicated until she was 13 months, and managing the constant puke (even though the meds took the pain away from 6 weeks old) was a nightmare. We had to replace our sofa.

She was also a horrendous napper - only did 28 minute stints right from birth, and they had to be forced by rocking her in her buggy while she screamed at the top of her lungs until she was sick. Wouldn’t nap in cot/swing/on us. This was the case for every single nap until she gave up napping at 18 months.

Because of the reflux she didn’t crawl (tummy time = projectile puke), so was angry and frustrated until she walked at 10 months. Couple that with being perpetually overtired and she was essentially the crankiest baby ever.

I was adamant she wasn’t going to be an only child, so we used another frozen embryo and DD2 was born in August. I still hate the baby stage, but this time I know there is an end in sight - and you might not have a hard baby this time. So far (touch wood) DD2 doesn’t have reflux so can be laid down, isn’t terribly grumpy yet and yes is a terrible napper too but doesn’t scream beforehand (just requires the buggy to be in constant motion or wakes instantly). And DD1 has been an utter delight since she learnt to walk and even more so when the nap battles ended, and the knowledge that it’ll get better is incredibly powerful in keeping you sane.

Me. I hatedddd the baby stage with DD1. She had severe reflux, cried a lot. I had PND. I dreaded waking up most mornings. Things got better around 12 months for me.

I’m an only child & I hate it. I had a very happy childhood but I longed for a sibling and I feel that even more acutely as an adult. I was adamant DD1 wasn’t going to be an only.

It took me until DD1 was over two years old before I felt ready. We have a bang on 3 year gap.

DD2 could not have been more different. Easy labour, quick recovery. Zero PND, not even the 3 day blues. I absolutely loved the baby stage! I was astonished! I mean it was really hard at times, DD2 was born 3 days before lockdown number one 😩 but actually, everything was so relaxed because we couldn’t go anywhere. We just chilled, went with the flow. DD2 did have reflux but not quite as severe & I instantly recognised the symptoms. We were on medication far earlier & as such, DD2 was a happy, really baby! I also opted to not breastfeed this time as it was a big contributor to my PND. And it was so much more right for me. We would snuggle on the sofa, feed and cuddle away afterwards. Really lovely bonding experience. With DD1, I used to dread every feed & feel like a failure.

Honestly, you feel so much more relaxed with your second. DD2 is 18 months old now & the light of my life (along with big sis obvs). She’s brilliant. & watching her and DD1 playing & cuddling each other is everything I wanted. I mean they bicker like mad but overall, a lot of love!

3 kids. All so different..... it most likely will be completely different with the next