Did anyone have a second child despite hating the baby stage?

[Opus17]

Hi everyone,

Basically due to fertility problems, we're likely going to have to make a decision in the next few months whether or not to have a second child through ICSI (DH's swimmers are only getting worse and worse). DS is 15 months old. I'd rather wait until next summer but we may not have the luxury to wait that long.

I would love a second child but the thought of going through the baby stage again fills me with absolute dread. DS had cmpa, screamed all day for his first 5 weeks then after a trip to osteopath, his screaming decreased to every day for around 3-5 hours until around 14 weeks, and it was just absolutely dreadful. It left me and DH with some issues regarding his crying that took us a long time to get over (DH still worries about waking him now cause when that happened back in the early days, the screaming would start again - obviously this never happens anymore unless he's teething or ill).

We relaxed a lot more at 6 months, then from 9 months old, I finally started enjoying being a parent, and from then on, it's mostly been happy times! As a toddler, he's such a happy, content little boy and I adore this stage, and him, so much. Part of me thinks, I'm so happy now, having another baby would send us back into that awful time, and another part of me thinks but it's such a short time in the grand scheme of things, is it worth it to push through it?

I'm just looking for any advice or any experience. Did you really want a second child but not a second baby? Did you do it anyway? How was it? What's it like now they're older? Do you regret it or are you happy you went through the hard stage to now have your two children?

Thanks everyone

I had a similar experience to you first time around with a very high needs baby. It was a real shock to the system and my mental health really suffered. Like you, I wanted two children but absolutely didn't want a second baby. I really doubted whether I could do it again. DH and I sat down and tried to work through all the things that made it harder than it needed to be the first time (obviously some things like dd's reflux and refusal to sleep we couldn't have changed). For each one we made a plan of how we could make changes the second time around - DH took more paternity leave and a few good friends took a few days leave each for a few weeks after he went back to work, we hired a cleaner, I decided to formula feed (although I actually ended up bf in the end). I felt a lot better prepared and that I had surrounded myself with people who understood I might find it hard mentally, which was a really big change from the first time when I worked hard to hide what a difficult time I was having.

In the end, dd2 was a much much easier baby and I felt less anxious about the small things with her. As others have said, I also knew that the baby stage would pass quickly and I was.more able to notice the nice parts of it and accept that the shit stuff wouldn't last forever. Dd2 has been an amazing addition to the family- watching dd1 become a big sister was wonderful and the two get along really well. I look back now that dd2 is 3 and I can only really remember good things about her baby days.

I didn't enjoy the first year at all with my DD (now 4). She was an easy baby, but I developed postpartum anxieties and I stressed about sleep, milk and food too much. It was just tiring.

I sat on the fence for a while about baby number 2. Eventually we decided to go ahead and try. DD took 1.5 years to conceive, which was a stressful time for us. We agreed we'd try for 12 months max for baby number 2 and then leave it as we were grateful for having DD. We only went and conceived on cycle 2!

Anyway, we now have DS (8 months). I still don't enjoy this first year, but it was agreed with my husband that before we tried for baby 2, he'd be around more (wfh) and we'd get help earlier. So my DH works from home permanently and we have a part time nanny.
I realise not everyone can have these support systems in place but it's helped me a lot so far to not feel alone and dread the days as much!

DS will be starting nursery when he turns 1, which doesn't seem to far away now. And I'm definitely in a much fitter state mentally and physically due to the support we've put in place.

I prefer the age 3 onwards. Absolutely loving spending time with my DD. She's my little friend!

No advice but similar ish start to parenthood with my DD1, re the 4-5 hour crying stints from colic leaving a lasting panic for me and DH. I freeze and get tense still if she even rolls over or makes noise in the night! Plus a difficult start to breastfeeding, very anxiety inducing. Love it now 13 months on but I still have cold sweats thinking about the initial pain and worry

Posting to bookmark as I was having similar thoughts re a second child

Yes. My first was very hard work. Screamed, didn’t sleep, wouldn’t feed, screamed some more.
Second was so different-a textbook content, happy baby.
It was actually a very healing process and I didn’t take any of it for granted!

Dc1 was a non sleeping, constantly upset and requiring attention baby (now diagnosed asd so officially harder than most!).
It took a while and some miscarriages for her to arrive. I assumed it would be the same with dc2. Nope. Turns out it really does only take once.
They are closer than intended, But I honestly think if I’d left the baby stage I wouldn’t have had the courage to return, it was that bad. Now, at 5 and 6, I’m glad for the closeness.

Me!
Hated the first baby stage wiht DC1 - DC was just a bloody miserable baby and I, myself, was an anxious and lonely mum (despite going to all baby groups and stuff) and just felt quite sad a lot fo the time. DC1 has always been quite strong willed, and still is a bit at 5YO but obvs is easier to deal with now he can fully communicate.

Took us years to decide to have another (I had been adamant we wouldn't have another!) and now we have DC2 who is 4months. Honestly, its been easier this time round on the whole. It's still stressful at times and I'm just one of those type A people that like to be able to tick things off a list/ read a book on how to do something. I hate baby stage because theres zero consistency day to day and I find it all pretty boring. I adore my DCs, and do love DC2 baby cuddles... but I need conversation!!! I know toddlers get a bad rep on MN but I actually find it better than, as there is some level of understanding and communication between you and the child by that point.

Overall, I'm so glad we've had another and its not as bad this time round. Knowing that things really are 'just a phase' truly helps. Also, I went into this second time round knowing I probably would be bored and not enjoy it and so I've felt far less guilt about it all. I'm also going back to work earlier this time (6months instead of the full year) as I'm aware that a whole year off with a baby just isn't good for me mentally!

Me! Fairly awful birth with slow recovery, multiple wakes every night until 16 months, probably had PND but didn't see anyone about it. 3 year age gap and DD is a joy and a great sleeper - most of newborn was a haze because I was too busy to really think about it, there's not as much time to sit! Not chancing my arm and having a third though, no chance!

A different opinion- I found the baby stage difficult (reflux, screaming, never ever slept) and it put me off having a second. Now she's eleven, I am glad I can focus on her and her alone- she needs extra support.

Yes.

I found the newborn/early months difficult, mainly due to having a non-sleeper.

The second one has to slot in with the first, so there’s less pressure.

My baby stages weren’t terribly bad as these things go, but I still found them very, very hard and they are absolutely my least favourite period of parenting. But I knew I wanted the children you get out of it so I did it three times. I see that stage as a downpayment on the children you want, put in the hard work and you get something awesome out of it. Being more relaxed each time helps and it all passes much faster second and third time round.

Yes. My first baby didn't sleep - it was like sleep-deprivation torture. She had reflux and colic. She inconsolably cried all evening and half the night. I thought I'd ruined my life - I was so down about it. She turned into an fairly easy toddler and a usually well behaved and very clever child.

I know you don't have this luxury but I waited 4 years to try again as I could not face it. Then it took a while so we have a 6 year gap.

I really didn't need to worry. My second baby sleeps 8-12 hours. No colic or reflux. She is such a happy little baby she makes all our lives better. Her older sister adores her.

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for all your replies! I've read every single one and they're very uplifting. Took me a while to respond as been dealing with DS's first cold and ear infection this week while ill myself.

DH has his test next week so bit nervous what the results will say.. here's hoping it will still allow us the choice

Yes.

Mine are almost 18 and 15 now

DS (elder) was a nightmare baby. Then a difficult toddler. Now a challenging teen. He's actually rather fabulous too. But by god he's been fucking hard work.

DD OTOH, total breeze. Easy birth, great sleeper, non fussy eater, calm and chill.

So glad we persevered and had another - she dilutes DS somewhat and he prevents any diva behaviour from her.

@beth821

I found the newborn stage very very difficult and my mental health suffered massively but we have taken the plunge and our next baby will be with us next week. So I can't tell you how it was and how I coped but were doing it regardless with the view we got through it last time and will so again. Our other child will be 20 months. Wish me luck!

We are the exact same.

This is me!!!!! Baby exactly the same age as yours, 15 months! I'm an older mum so time is ticking as I'm 40+. We need to decide after Christmas but I'm in two minds. My relationship with DH has experienced stress and resentment building up at times as we've no family support or childcare so it's been just us (mainly me) doing everything.

However, I want the older children babies become and my main thoughts are about my DC when they are adults, having a sibling there through life. Less so about my own enjoyment as I really haven't enjoyed being a full time mum to a toddler so far! But as DC gets older I enjoy it much more and I think I'll really enjoy parenting a child above 3 or 4, I think. I'm a teacher and I love teenagers! But I'm just not a baby type of person.

I think (if we can conceive) I might just have to grin and bear it for another few years. But this time round I'd get childcare organised earlier on so I could get more of a break occasionally from the start.

Good luck!

We had the same experience as you with our first, except she was very screamy and ‘difficult’ until about 18 months. She wouldn’t go in the pram or car and it was hell.

We did have a second.. but had twins (no iVF).

I still think going from 1-3 is easier than 0-1 was. One has colic but we just get on with it. You don’t hear the noise as much.

It’s challenging because there’s two but one extra baby would honestly be a breeze!

Oh yes. Second baby was an absolute dream though.

The absolutely best thing about subsequent children is the knowledge

1. this doesn’t last forever
2. being a mother isn’t defined how you feel right now… (When now is with your nipples hanging off on half an hours sleep and a screaming inconsolable baby, or similar…)

People tel you this stuff with the first baby but you don’t realise it.

Yes. I hated the baby stage too but outsourced a lot of it, put DC in nursery pt at four months and went back to work. DC went at five months when he came along 2.5 years later. When the youngest was three it was downhill all the way.
Having a second child and watching the relationship between them has been the single best part of parenting. 18 and 16 now and never a moments regret.

I hated the newborn stage. DD was a very angry baby who had views about things but slept okay. DS (DC2) was much more chilled but didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes for 2 years.

They're now both teenagers and lovely. I think it helps when they're trying to be completely horrible teens that even with the shouting and door slamming they're better than when they were babies!

We are still thinking as I had a traumatic birth and baby stage was so hard (mine cried for 6 hours a day, I actually timed it thinking it must be in my head!) now DD is older I’m still not ready to go back to the baby stage and can’t decide if we will have another. Time is ticking and people have said don’t think of the newborn phase as it is so short, think who do you want around the tree at Christmas and we definitely would see two kids then. Just trying to find the right time to have another.

Just to add to this conversation as well, I think we (women) are often too quiet about how traumatic having a baby can be, in terms of the birth / postnatal / first few weeks and also in terms of our identities as mothers. I felt, and still feel (after 15 months) a sense of loss of who I am. My body has changed so much and whilst I can be proud of the amazing job it did, society doesn't value the way I look anymore. It's hard not to feel down about that when you're wondering what to wear to a first night out in a year or two, or not feeling sexy around my DH anymore. Also I feel I've aged a decade since having my child. My back is ruined and I groan when getting up off the floor.

I spend my days in drudgery picking food off the floor and desperately attempting to keep the place half tidy, and usually failing. It's all a far cry from my previous professional role where I felt creative, inspired, strong and independent.

I love my child dearly and the only thing that gets me through is seeing that it's gradually getting better, the older DC gets and the more they develop a personality and independence. This is the thing I cling to when thinking about trying for another baby. But it's no wonder to me that it's not necessarily an easy snap decision for many of us to make.

Yes.

My first baby was very similar to yours. He was a miserable baby who screamed all of the time. We decided that the worst thing that could happen was that we had another baby who was miserable and screamed all of the time. But we knew we could cope with it and that it would change with time.

I'm glad we had another DS2 was a much easier baby (although that wasn't hard TBH).

Yes, us too. Our DD screamed all the time, it gradually reduced over time. Probably wasn't much better til she was about 9mo-1yr old. But then the tantrums started when she was 1ish and those are still epic at 3. She is 'high needs' 'spirited' whatever they call it. However we have much much preferred parenthood as she got older. I'm pregnant with DC2, actually overdue now. Dreading newborn/baby stage but looking forward to toddlerhood and beyond. We didn't want another baby but we did want another toddler and beyond.

Ds was a nightmare and it took till he was 2 for me to consider a 2nd baby which had always been our plan.
Dd was a totally different baby, she breastfed well, slept well and was just so happy. I would happily have another 10 babies like her. I was all geared up to go through hell again and it didn’t happen!