Highly competitive parent vs non pushy parent!! Ugly scenes at kids football!! 😬

[PollyDolly88]

So I’m feeling pretty rubbish right now. We’ve just had our second time at Saturday morning football with my four year old and to say it didn’t go well would be an understatement. My husband and I both attended as after his first week there and he absolutely loved it and after seeing him get really stuck in we both were keen to see him play again.

Well, this morning our son decided he didn’t want to play or even attempt to join in so was left on the sidelines with me for most of the training session. This I wasn’t too fussed about as 4 is still very young and after a full week at school then perhaps he just felt a bit tired.

The real problem and issue was mine and my husbands reaction to this. It’s worth pointing out my husband is an ex professional athlete who from his old stories of training had things pretty tough and is of course highly competitive whereas although I’m slightly competitive I never did competitive sport so I don’t have that experience that has ultimately shaped him as a person.

I feel there were expectations put on our son even before he was born and with ever milestone came comparisons to his father. As my son has developed into his own person we have realised he doesn’t share the same passion for sports as his father and is more of a gentle child who loves what my husband would describe as “girly things”. I chose this kids football club as it praises itself on being uncompetitive and all about fun and a few of his friends play so I hoped he would enjoy it however when my son would not join in I saw my husband drag him into the football field screaming and insisting he does and to stop “being soft”. I tried to stop him, which in hindsight, probably made things worse as my son was visibly upset at this point and other parents were looking at us.

I asked my husband to let my son watch for a bit if he was upset after getting hit by a ball only for my husband to snap back he was “too soft” and tell me he “would be bringing him next week on his own” so he could deal with him. We have proceeded to have a quiet argument and exchanged some choice words with him ultimately saying I was the problem and I’m too soft with him and I don’t push him enough so what to we expect after I’ve let him be so clingy to me. I don’t feel this is completely true as although I would never drag my crying child onto a pitch I do encourage massively and said I was disappointed that he didn’t give joining in a go. As ridiculous as this sounds but me having to tell my son I wasn’t very happy that he didn’t at least try really upset me and it affected my son too as since we’ve come home he’s been making me things asking if “I’m happy now with him”. I massively regret saying I wasn’t happy or proud with him but in the heat of the moment I felt I had to show my husband I wasn’t being too softly prove a point. My son and I have an incredibly close bond so the whole situation has just really upset us both.

I honestly don’t know who is right or wrong in this scenario - maybe both of us in our own ways. I am desperate for my son to be involved in some sort of out of school activity but I hoped it would be a positive experience but I am doubting that my “softly softly” approach is the right way to go after today and whether my husband has a point. My mother in law is quite a cold person (no kisses or hugs as a child sort of thing) but a nice person but obviously pushed my husband hard as a child and he went on to achieve great things and saw his success provide him (and now us as a family) a wonderful comfortable life and he constantly thanks his mother’s for being so hard.

This is our first experience where we are seeing big clashes of parenting styles when it comes to sport and generally competitiveness and I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I don’t want a repeat performance of this morning so I need to find a way that both my husband and I can watch our son without it turning ugly. Competitive parent vs non pushy parent?! Tips please!!?!

Your husband is a complete arsehole, shaming his tiny child. What a great way to put him off sport for life. I would be utterly livid if my husband treated my children like that.

You are right. He is wrong.

Sorry .... that wasn't very helpful.

I've been through a rather lesser version of this.
At the end of the day, his approach didn't work and mine gradually did. Probably didn't have the end result DH wanted but at least it got my DC back into sport and enjoying it.

Don't let your husband take him by himself next week, I dread to think what he'll say to your son when you aren't there. Your son is 4, he's just trying things out to see what he enjoys. Being shamed snd shouted at really isn't going to help. You are not being too soft. Your husband is an idiot

As a boy, around the age of four as it happens, I had a very similar reaction to being taken to a football training - I was too scared and shy to go. Even though my father (also an ex pro) very much wanted me to get into football he didn't push it, and I had another go a few years later (around 10) and have played and loved football ever since. So I'm obviously projecting my experience here, but had I been forced to play I very much doubt I would be keen on football now.

The more worrying part of this is that your husband is trying to force your child into specific hobbies based on what he wants. If he wants to do 'girly' hobbies he should be able to, and I think you really need to stand your ground here. Best of luck

Your child is 4!!!! There's plenty of time to be competitive.

I had similar with ex-H and my son and it took some calm, gentle persuasion and a bit of patience to get him to join in.

His father pushing in like that does no one any favours and just marks him out as "that parent" with the coaches.

It so happens Parents in Sport week is coming up.

Here are some resources to share with your husband

thecpsu.org.uk/resource-library/videos/parents-in-sport-videos-for-parents/

Oh gosh. Well I presume your son will no longer enjoy football at all after much more of this. All the other parents feel very sorry for your son and think your husband was a that to him.
I have one son who loves football but wouldn't have been ready for lessons age 4 and one who tried it but preferred collecting ladybugs and playing in the gravel behind the goal instead.
Cancel the football lessons.

Your husband is being awful and a bigot. If he is this bad now when your son is only 4 (a baby!!!) what will he be like if your son doesn’t conform to his standards as he gets older? If he picks art club over football? If he likes dance? What if he comes out? Maybe your son will grow up to be a lads lad rugby player, he is only little of course, but can you really now trust your husband to nurture your son no matter what.

What an awful experience for you and your DS. Your DH needs to remember that firstly, your DS is a four year old child. He is not an extension of your husband, he is an individual with his own personality, likes and dislikes.

He needs to realise that your son is his own person and not a tiny replica of himself. If he carries on like this he’ll push your son away altogether.

My dad was nasty to me, called me names, pushed me to do things I wasn't good at because it was what he was good at. Would shout maths questions at me at the table until I sobbed. Called me stupid, useless, ugly.

I am in my 30s and I am so fucking damaged by it. I have had to have intensive counselling because my inner voice is a constant stream of how shit and stupid and useless I am.

I also don't speak to him either.

There’s a massive difference between being an encouraging parent who, seeing a child’s natural proclivity and interest, gently makes sure they are able to take up a particularly hobby or sport and pursue it to whatever level they want. Maybe that’s what your mother in law did with your husband. Who knows. But what your husband is doing is trying to force a square peg into a round hole: it’s horrible. Maybe one day your son will feel differently and will suddenly enjoy football but no one has ever in the history of mankind loved something they were literally dragged screaming into doing. It has to come from the child; you build on what they are keen on. Sorry/ this is so obvious but it sounds as though your husband might need reminding!! Anyway I think you’re totally right and your DH needs to take a huge step back.

@scoopydoopy

My dad was nasty to me, called me names, pushed me to do things I wasn't good at because it was what he was good at. Would shout maths questions at me at the table until I sobbed. Called me stupid, useless, ugly.

I am in my 30s and I am so fucking damaged by it. I have had to have intensive counselling because my inner voice is a constant stream of how shit and stupid and useless I am.

I also don't speak to him either.

I suffered a very similar experience and am equally damaged by it. I feel absolute solidarity with you @scoopydoopy

As hard as it is, OP, you have to stand up for your child here and address your DH’s behaviour before it escalates any further

@canyoutoleratethis 💜💜💜 thank you and I'm so sorry it happened to you too. It's made me a better parent but I'll never be happy with myself.

You are 100% in the right here. Your son is FOUR for heaven sake and anyway he should be able to decide whether or not he takes part. Your husband behaviour sounds very worrying to me.

He's only 4, ffs. Poor wee thing. Your husband needs to stop projecting onto this little one and support him in whatever he likes to do at this stage. There is time when he's older to talk about being motivated and trying etc.

This is heartbreaking. Your child is just 4 years old! So cruel!

Thank you for all the responses - it’s nice to know that perhaps on this occasion I was right. We have had an afternoon of lots of hugs and kisses whilst my husband has been out so hopefully my son is feeling better about it all. I didn’t know if I was going to get someone post that perhaps forcing them to do something actually helped them in the long run but I guess that’s a fantasy my husband likes to think is true. It’s just left a big nasty bad cloud over us and neither of feel we are in the wrong. I’ve tried and tried to explain to my husband that shouting, shaming and forcing him to do things just makes it all 100% worse but I get the usual tut and “stop being so sensitive” line. This happens in swimming, riding his bike and it’s a sad situation and I find myself trying to do it when he’s out etc which is awful as I feel we both should be helping him. I definitely will never let him take him on his own after today which is equally mortifying to say out loud as I never thought I’d feel like that about his own dad. He is a great dad in other ways but does expect too much from my son. It’s so funny someone mentioned if my son wanted to pursue other things like dancing etc as we have already discussed this and he is unsurprisingly not keen on this as he fears he will get bullied at school. I will admit there is a tiny part of me that perhaps having him repeat this to me over and over scares me to enrol him in any dance classes in case it happens as it will be my fault and I’ll never hear the last of it. It honestly breaks my heart to read other messages of people having bad experiences with their father and I’m so sorry you have gone through this - it’s scary to think how damaging it can be. I never imagined I would be in this position but I will continue to nurture my son and follow my natural instincts and try to shield him from his dads negatively however hard that may be.

I couldn’t stay if my DH was like this with our DCs

I have a ds who loves football and plays in a team, training every week etc. But he only expressed interest around age 8/9.

I cannot imagine my ds aged 4 following any sort of instruction or structured activity like football (no matter how ‘play’ based they make it). School was hard enough!

Your DH is in for a lifetime of disappointment and frustration if he doesn’t sort his shit out and stop projecting his ideals and wants onto his small child.

You are in the right here. He is in the wrong. And like pps have already said, he’s marked himself as the twat parent (of which there are always a few of in the world of DC sports unfortunately).

Your son is being set up to fail in his father's eyes every step of the way. I feel sorry for him. You are right

we have realised he doesn’t share the same passion for sports as his father and is more of a gentle child who loves what my husband would describe as “girly things”.

I wouldn’t say your husband is included in the “we” that realised.

God, I hate toxic masculinity bullshit so much.

Your husband needs to respect the child you have, not the son he thought he’d get.

You’re not wrong. You need to deal with your husband and he needs to talk civilly to you about an approach to encouraging activities that is mutually agreed upon.

Your husband’s reaction is all about himself, not about your son. He needs to deal with that.

You cant make a child into what you want them to be. They can only be themselves. He may never love sport or may grow to love it with maturity but this treatment will only damage him . You are in the right here x

Your poor child. I despise competitive parents.

I didn’t know if I was going to get someone post that perhaps forcing them to do something actually helped them in the long run but I guess that’s a fantasy my husband likes to think is true.

There are stages with children where the practice feels too hard, or boring, or they just fancy staying home that day, when you have to ‘force’ them to go because of commitment and work ethic and resilience and being a team player or whatever. But not at a 4-year-old’s second Saturday football class.